New Baby & Post Birth Off Topic #3 Daddy's hiding in the loo, taking 4-6 business days to do a poo.

[Crones884]

Apologies for the long post but just need a rant. OH is gone out today with his work buddies after working 4 12 hour shifts so this is day 5 that he hasnt really been at home (he works 7am to 7pm) and I just feel really alone.

I go back to work in 2 weeks so theres no way of joining classes to make friends and I feel like all my old friends its me who makes the effort to keep in contact with them now and the effort isnt reciprocated especially after they all called in the first few weeks that baby was born, considering thats almost 7 months ago I just gave up being the only one to make the effort. I'd try meet them for coffee or lunch or whatever but most of the time they already have plans.

I know going back to work will help because I do really like my colleagues but I just feel like my OH can come and go as he pleases and because of his shift there's 4 weekends in a row where he's at work too so its just myself and bubs and everyone else is out living their lives and I just miss being able to do what I like when I like

 

[opintionatedperson]

Apologies for the long post but just need a rant. OH is gone out today with his work buddies after working 4 12 hour shifts so this is day 5 that he hasnt really been at home (he works 7am to 7pm) and I just feel really alone.

I go back to work in 2 weeks so theres no way of joining classes to make friends and I feel like all my old friends its me who makes the effort to keep in contact with them now and the effort isnt reciprocated especially after they all called in the first few weeks that baby was born, considering thats almost 7 months ago I just gave up being the only one to make the effort. I'd try meet them for coffee or lunch or whatever but most of the time they already have plans.

I know going back to work will help because I do really like my colleagues but I just feel like my OH can come and go as he pleases and because of his shift there's 4 weekends in a row where he's at work too so its just myself and bubs and everyone else is out living their lives and I just miss being able to do what I like when I like

The resentment is real. Hopefully when you go back to work things may improve.

 

[WeepingCassandra]

She’s not really got a favourite toy, anything I give her she looks cross and shouts NO and throws it over the side. Yesterday she had fun taking her socks and slippers off though. Basically at this age anything I suggest is shit and she’s happy to find something for herself.
It’s a ten minute walk to nursery, then a 15 minute walk to school then a 5 minute walk home. So not undoable but I need to be organised to leave the house on time as after school club closes at 5:30 so it’s a bit pressured. Not keen on getting 6 first as the logistics would be a nightmare as she’d complain all the way!

The best I can offer is "It's not forever". I know that's shite, and I hate that when I'm struggling, but some times there's no solution and we've got to try and bear it. Does it make any difference picking up one or the other if you have snacks? That sounds so tough though.

Has anyone else decided to become a stay at home mammy? Because I have and I absolutely hate it!! I adore my babies, love them to pieces but I do miss my old life? Tried to talk to himself about it and he was shocked by my confession. The man whose life has barely changed was shocked that I miss work and partying?
And also to the mamas gone back to work how I salute you! As much as I miss it I don’t actually know could I cope? Washing machine is on twice a day yet the basket is still over flowing

I thought about it but I really couldn't do it. I definitely couldn't do it with twins! I work 3 days a week now and LittleWC is in childcare 3.5 days. That gives me a bit of a catch up on washing/tidying (I try and have a little lie in, then get up, blitz the house, then relax for a few hours on the day he's in and I'm off work but its never enough time...) and some time to myself. I felt utterly suffocated when it was just the two of us and we had nothing planned. On the one day we're off together we have a class or arrange to see friends unless it's been a very busy week and then we try and just run some errands, chill out playing together, go to the library, that kind of thing.

I think - potentially a controversial opinion and I know not everyone will agree - that we're completely sold a lie as women now, we're told we should have it all; and we can have it all so why aren't we having it all? We can have kids, we can raise them ourselves, we can have a great career, a big house, a nice car, a tidy place to live. But unless you have a huge and very strong support system and are very financially lucky that's not realistic. But also you shouldn't rely on others to raise your kids, if you give your kids to a childcare provider you're letting them down, if you sacrifice your career for them you're letting yourself down, where are they meant to go?

 

[Crones884]

The best I can offer is "It's not forever". I know that's shite, and I hate that when I'm struggling, but some times there's no solution and we've got to try and bear it. Does it make any difference picking up one or the other if you have snacks? That sounds so tough though.


I thought about it but I really couldn't do it. I definitely couldn't do it with twins! I work 3 days a week now and LittleWC is in childcare 3.5 days. That gives me a bit of a catch up on washing/tidying (I try and have a little lie in, then get up, blitz the house, then relax for a few hours on the day he's in and I'm off work but its never enough time...) and some time to myself. I felt utterly suffocated when it was just the two of us and we had nothing planned. On the one day we're off together we have a class or arrange to see friends unless it's been a very busy week and then we try and just run some errands, chill out playing together, go to the library, that kind of thing.

I think - potentially a controversial opinion and I know not everyone will agree - that we're completely sold a lie as women now, we're told we should have it all; and we can have it all so why aren't we having it all? We can have kids, we can raise them ourselves, we can have a great career, a big house, a nice car, a tidy place to live. But unless you have a huge and very strong support system and are very financially lucky that's not realistic. But also you shouldn't rely on others to raise your kids, if you give your kids to a childcare provider you're letting them down, if you sacrifice your career for them you're letting yourself down, where are they meant to go?

I agree. Im torn between both, my mom was a stay at home mom and did her best for us, but I also have an aunt who has no husband or kids and has a great life - multiple holidays a year, she does what she wants when she wants but has also told us now that we are adults that sometimes she does feel lonely. Now she is like a second mother to us and we are extremely close with her but it just shows that you have to make sacrifices somewhere. At the moment we are in a bit of debt due to college fees a car etc but once as those are paid off i could probably be a sahm but i dont want to. I enjoy my job

 

[justonemorepage]

I take my hat off to sahm. I have one day off a week and if we haven't got plans I'm climbing the walls. My baby has just started walking albeit very unsteady and wobbly so trying to entertain her and keep her safe is beyond stressful and overwhelming. I remember a colleague saying going to work is a break and it actually is even though I'm run off my feet at work and feel guilty I'm not with my baby, at least I get to eat my lunch in peace and have some sanity for a few hours. I love my baby to bits but sometimes she is a LOT. My OH was out for 3-4 hours today and it was raining so I didn't go anywhere and omgggg I was cracking up!

 

[WeepingCassandra]

I agree. Im torn between both, my mom was a stay at home mom and did her best for us, but I also have an aunt who has no husband or kids and has a great life - multiple holidays a year, she does what she wants when she wants but has also told us now that we are adults that sometimes she does feel lonely. Now she is like a second mother to us and we are extremely close with her but it just shows that you have to make sacrifices somewhere. At the moment we are in a bit of debt due to college fees a car etc but once as those are paid off i could probably be a sahm but i dont want to. I enjoy my job

It was a really big adjustment for me and if I'm brutally honest it's only now LO is 19 months old I'm starting to feel more "this was a good choice" moments than "fuck I've fucked it all up" moments. It feels like it's sacrifice after sacrifice some days.

Things seemed a lot easier when I was a toddler from what my parents say. The next door neighbour who had 4 kids of her own was suitable childcare if my Mum wasn't around, there were playgroups everywhere, there was no social media telling you you're doing this wrong or doing that will cause lifelong psychological damage, there was just Sue with her wonderbaby at the playgroup you could avoid by pretending you had a poo-nami to deal with!

 

[opintionatedperson]

Social media is a curse.... I know it's very easy to say don't compare but we do it's natural. I was scrolling earlier and a baby who was born after my baby appeared to be crawling two weeks ago and today he was standing. Meanwhile my baby is nowhere near that and I couldn't help but feel sad .

I'm also jealous of anyone that can be a sahm even though I don't think id cope being one and I earn more than my hubby so it's not going to happen

Moral of the story were never happy, well I'm not

 

[waffleberry]

Just jumping on for a KW rant. I am truly exasperated. Earlier he gave our youngest an oat bath (she has chickenpox a-brewin') and I told him to pop a couple of scoops of oats into a pillowcase so it's easier to clean up and remove from the bath. So what does he do when they're finished? He tips the oats down the toilet and then blasts the remaining bits with shower hose down the plug hole. Wtf did I marry?

 

[Heyguysswipeup]

It’s a challenge any way you go about it, going back to work or being a SAHM - I work 4 days a week and same as mentioned above, we need to have plans out of the house otherwise I’m going crazy. But then days that I’m working it’s a stress and rush getting everyone ready and out of the house then dinner once I’m home etc. I end up feeling guilty for not having much quality time on the days I’m in work! I can’t win haha.

 

[justonemorepage]

How much screen time (TV only) do your babies have? My baby is 10 months old and sometimes for me to get anything done I have to strap her in the highchair and put a cartoon on. It's only 2-3 episodes (5-10mins each) but the mum guilt I feel is insane. I'd always said I wouldn't stick her in front of the TV but when she won't play with her toys etc that's the only option I have left.

For reference it isn't too often as she's in nursery and with family 4 days a week and they don't have the TV on for her. It's usually when I make/eat my breakfast and in the evening when I'm cooking. So maybe an hour a day tops. We don't let her near phones (even though she tries to grab them) I always move them away from her. Still, I have intense mum guilt over it all my OH reminds me this is the world we live in now, and my mum used to put me in front of the TV to get chores done (I'd watch the same VHS (remember them?!) for hours on end) and I turned out okay, I think?! Perhaps I'm overthinking it.

 

[Crones884]

How much screen time (TV only) do your babies have? My baby is 10 months old and sometimes for me to get anything done I have to strap her in the highchair and put a cartoon on. It's only 2-3 episodes (5-10mins each) but the mum guilt I feel is insane. I'd always said I wouldn't stick her in front of the TV but when she won't play with her toys etc that's the only option I have left.

For reference it isn't too often as she's in nursery and with family 4 days a week and they don't have the TV on for her. It's usually when I make/eat my breakfast and in the evening when I'm cooking. So maybe an hour a day tops. We don't let her near phones (even though she tries to grab them) I always move them away from her. Still, I have intense mum guilt over it all my OH reminds me this is the world we live in now, and my mum used to put me in front of the TV to get chores done (I'd watch the same VHS (remember them?!) for hours on end) and I turned out okay, I think?! Perhaps I'm overthinking it.

Dont feel guilty. Do what you need to do to get things done. We are 7 months and we've only used dancing fruit but i watch my own programmes sometimes while she plays on the floor and she definitely watches cause she turns when she hears the theme song my biggest aim is to try and not create a dependency on it but also allow it for some peace

 

[Jellycat369]

Not sure if this is the right thread but figured you guys would be able to point me in the right direction. We're looking at affordability for a new house. We have to move as the school we're in the catchment area for is the worst one in the city and my eldest will start August 2026. We would complete on the house July 2026 (it's a new build). FlOur childcare costs are holding us back in terms of the perceived affordability of the mortgage even though costs for our eldest will stop shortly after we move and we'll get our funded hours for our youngest about 9 months later. My OH has suggested he could do compressed hours so five days in four and look after wee man on the day he's not working saving one day of childcare. Has anyone done compressed hours? Is it really hard in the evenings with dinner and bedtimes trying to squeeze in the extra hours? Is it hard to work early if baby hasn't slept well.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

How much screen time (TV only) do your babies have? My baby is 10 months old and sometimes for me to get anything done I have to strap her in the highchair and put a cartoon on. It's only 2-3 episodes (5-10mins each) but the mum guilt I feel is insane. I'd always said I wouldn't stick her in front of the TV but when she won't play with her toys etc that's the only option I have left.

For reference it isn't too often as she's in nursery and with family 4 days a week and they don't have the TV on for her. It's usually when I make/eat my breakfast and in the evening when I'm cooking. So maybe an hour a day tops. We don't let her near phones (even though she tries to grab them) I always move them away from her. Still, I have intense mum guilt over it all my OH reminds me this is the world we live in now, and my mum used to put me in front of the TV to get chores done (I'd watch the same VHS (remember them?!) for hours on end) and I turned out okay, I think?! Perhaps I'm overthinking it.

I told a friend about letting TF watch Hey Duggee cos she woke up demanding it at 5am the other day and she made some snotty little remark - she doesn’t have kids - and I politely told her to go fuck herself (without explicitly telling her to go fuck herself). On that morning I needed a little more sleep, if you need to do a couple of things where you need her to be occupied you shouldn’t feel guilty for it.

my kids watch too much TV, I know that. The other night I said let’s have a no TV night and honestly it was so nice seeing them play but oh my gaaaahhhdddd my poor brain and lack of sanity. Probably where that saying everything in moderation applies tbh.

 

[Burrito88]

Not sure if this is the right thread but figured you guys would be able to point me in the right direction. We're looking at affordability for a new house. We have to move as the school we're in the catchment area for is the worst one in the city and my eldest will start August 2026. We would complete on the house July 2026 (it's a new build). FlOur childcare costs are holding us back in terms of the perceived affordability of the mortgage even though costs for our eldest will stop shortly after we move and we'll get our funded hours for our youngest about 9 months later. My OH has suggested he could do compressed hours so five days in four and look after wee man on the day he's not working saving one day of childcare. Has anyone done compressed hours? Is it really hard in the evenings with dinner and bedtimes trying to squeeze in the extra hours? Is it hard to work early if baby hasn't slept well.

I’d say you have a lot less flexibility with compressed hours as if you have to finish early then there’s no time to make up the hours (if your employer requires this).
do you mean the 15 hours funded for your youngest? This starts at 9 months now so you might get it earlier than you think?

 

[Jellycat369]

I’d say you have a lot less flexibility with compressed hours as if you have to finish early then there’s no time to make up the hours (if your employer requires this).
do you mean the 15 hours funded for your youngest? This starts at 9 months now so you might get it earlier than you think?

We're in Scotland so the 9 months funding isn't available here yet The funded hours we would get would be when he turns 3 in 2027. Long way off I know but we need a mortgage offer to reserve in July 2025.

 

[raspberryjuice]

Not sure if this is the right thread but figured you guys would be able to point me in the right direction. We're looking at affordability for a new house. We have to move as the school we're in the catchment area for is the worst one in the city and my eldest will start August 2026. We would complete on the house July 2026 (it's a new build). FlOur childcare costs are holding us back in terms of the perceived affordability of the mortgage even though costs for our eldest will stop shortly after we move and we'll get our funded hours for our youngest about 9 months later. My OH has suggested he could do compressed hours so five days in four and look after wee man on the day he's not working saving one day of childcare. Has anyone done compressed hours? Is it really hard in the evenings with dinner and bedtimes trying to squeeze in the extra hours? Is it hard to work early if baby hasn't slept well.

Me and Mr R both do compressed hours and have for around 2 years now (before Nubs obviously). We do nights but Mr R does find the balance difficult with time to see Nubs on days he’s working because his working day is so long. It sounds silly because we only really do an extra 2 hours a day (1 at the start and 1 at the end) but it makes the day feel so much longer so by the time we get home we’re knackered.

Could Mr Jelly try it for a few weeks to see how he gets on?

 

[Jellycat369]

Me and Mr R both do compressed hours and have for around 2 years now (before Nubs obviously). We do nights but Mr R does find the balance difficult with time to see Nubs on days he’s working because his working day is so long. It sounds silly because we only really do an extra 2 hours a day (1 at the start and 1 at the end) but it makes the day feel so much longer so by the time we get home we’re knackered.

Could Mr Jelly try it for a few weeks to see how he gets on?

That's what I thought and I'm also not entirely convinced him not being in nursery one day a week will make much of an impact. I'm also not entirely sure my OH would be able to cope with a whole day of him by himself. He's taking some time off next week so that'll be a good test, reckon it might put him off lol!

 

[WeepingCassandra]

How much screen time (TV only) do your babies have? My baby is 10 months old and sometimes for me to get anything done I have to strap her in the highchair and put a cartoon on. It's only 2-3 episodes (5-10mins each) but the mum guilt I feel is insane. I'd always said I wouldn't stick her in front of the TV but when she won't play with her toys etc that's the only option I have left.

For reference it isn't too often as she's in nursery and with family 4 days a week and they don't have the TV on for her. It's usually when I make/eat my breakfast and in the evening when I'm cooking. So maybe an hour a day tops. We don't let her near phones (even though she tries to grab them) I always move them away from her. Still, I have intense mum guilt over it all my OH reminds me this is the world we live in now, and my mum used to put me in front of the TV to get chores done (I'd watch the same VHS (remember them?!) for hours on end) and I turned out okay, I think?! Perhaps I'm overthinking it.

I was quite staunchly against screen time of any sort, in a 'if he doesn't know about it he won't want it' camp. He got a little bit at the childminder but from what I understand didn't really pay it much attention.

Sooooo @WeHadFunRight and a few other things had me thinking about this over the last couple of weeks. [LittleWC is 19 months now for reference]. If I want to relax after a hard day at work, what do I do? I go to the gym, I watch some TV or youtube, maybe I paint or do something creative, some times I play a game on my Switch or computer. Up to a point, play is work for kids. Yes, it's fun and yes it's best for their development but ultimately it's their job. So a little bit of mindless Thomas once in a while isn't a bad thing.

We don't let him have phones, or our ipad and we don't let him use it outside the house (we have a bag of toys and books for restaurants etc.). Absolutely won't start with that, no matter what. He doesn't get it every day, or for more than about 45 minutes, but it's been really useful when I'm home alone with him and need to fix dinner as he'll sit on the sofa for 10 - 15 minutes watching something without me worrying what he's up to. Generally he'll sit and watch 10 - 15 minutes, then get up and come find me or start playing with his toys again. I'd say we put it on twice a week and maybe for an hour or two at the weekend (but mainly because we're trying to get out with him more).

We're quite curated with what he watches. He loves cars so we put NASCAR and Goodwood replays on (honestly... his favourite thing ), old school Thomas the Tank Engine and Fireman Sam, Bluey and occasionally Tractor Ted (but there's only three episodes of that on Amazon). No Peppa Pig, Paw Patrol or Bing!

 

[justonemorepage]

I was quite staunchly against screen time of any sort, in a 'if he doesn't know about it he won't want it' camp. He got a little bit at the childminder but from what I understand didn't really pay it much attention.

Sooooo @WeHadFunRight and a few other things had me thinking about this over the last couple of weeks. [LittleWC is 19 months now for reference]. If I want to relax after a hard day at work, what do I do? I go to the gym, I watch some TV or youtube, maybe I paint or do something creative, some times I play a game on my Switch or computer. Up to a point, play is work for kids. Yes, it's fun and yes it's best for their development but ultimately it's their job. So a little bit of mindless Thomas once in a while isn't a bad thing.

We don't let him have phones, or our ipad and we don't let him use it outside the house (we have a bag of toys and books for restaurants etc.). Absolutely won't start with that, no matter what. He doesn't get it every day, or for more than about 45 minutes, but it's been really useful when I'm home alone with him and need to fix dinner as he'll sit on the sofa for 10 - 15 minutes watching something without me worrying what he's up to. Generally he'll sit and watch 10 - 15 minutes, then get up and come find me or start playing with his toys again. I'd say we put it on twice a week and maybe for an hour or two at the weekend (but mainly because we're trying to get out with him more).

We're quite curated with what he watches. He loves cars so we put NASCAR and Goodwood replays on (honestly... his favourite thing ), old school Thomas the Tank Engine and Fireman Sam, Bluey and occasionally Tractor Ted (but there's only three episodes of that on Amazon). No Peppa Pig, Paw Patrol or Bing!

Yeh I was one of those people before having kids who said "my kids definitely won't be sat in front of the TV" but since going back to work I find it so hard to get anything done, especially when I need to cook dinner. I usually put it on after she's played with her toys and has gotten fed up. She will only watch two shows so we alternate between them she likes music too so I play Spotify Disney songs for her haha. I'm strict with phones and iPads though. I really don't want her having either at all but I feel like I can control that more than the TV (for the moment anyway).

 

[Burrito88]

How much screen time (TV only) do your babies have? My baby is 10 months old and sometimes for me to get anything done I have to strap her in the highchair and put a cartoon on. It's only 2-3 episodes (5-10mins each) but the mum guilt I feel is insane. I'd always said I wouldn't stick her in front of the TV but when she won't play with her toys etc that's the only option I have left.

For reference it isn't too often as she's in nursery and with family 4 days a week and they don't have the TV on for her. It's usually when I make/eat my breakfast and in the evening when I'm cooking. So maybe an hour a day tops. We don't let her near phones (even though she tries to grab them) I always move them away from her. Still, I have intense mum guilt over it all my OH reminds me this is the world we live in now, and my mum used to put me in front of the TV to get chores done (I'd watch the same VHS (remember them?!) for hours on end) and I turned out okay, I think?! Perhaps I'm overthinking it.

We put it on the tv in the kitchen while he’s in his high chair, either while we’re preparing meals or cleaning up, so 2-3 times per day at around 10-15 mins each. It’s always Ms Rachel because he loves her. at least it’s educational