New Baby & Post Birth Off Topic #3 Daddy's hiding in the loo, taking 4-6 business days to do a poo.

[aggytha]

Can anyone help me thought it was best posted in this thread.. if you work in HR or similar pls help!!!
So i submitted a flexible working request in April/May time. All approved. I’ll work 3 fixed days a week. I don’t actually return until end of August, my Mat leave finished early July but I have lots of leave to use, so currently on annual leave

about 3 weeks ago a company announcement was made for staff to return to the office 20% of the week, absolutely fine by me.
But
Teams have been allocated office days. My team have been allocated 1 Monday per month, and 1 Friday per month (so for full time staff, it isn’t actually 20%.. more like 10%).

HOWEVER their expectation is for me to come in on that Friday, despite that being my non-working day. Their suggestion is that on the Friday in question I simply just swap from my Thursday to the Friday that week.. great except the nursery doesn’t work like that. Alternatively they want me to change permanently to Fridays, despite them approving my request back in April/may, and I have paid a nursery deposit, and they currently have a long waiting list so I cannot simply just change to Fridays!
They have essentially said if I can’t find a work around that I’ll be issued with a notice of change…

where do I stand here? I love my job. I have no issue going to the office. If they’d said 100% back in, I could do that.. on the days that I work!
I also think it’s unfair that full time staff will only be spending 10% of their time in the office, but I’ll be there 20% of my time? (I know in other teams their part time staff are in half as much as their full time colleagues!)
I also think it’s insane they can force the change given it’s not for the work load and needing more staff in or anything.. it’s purely just so you’re in the office

sorry for the long post, I feel a bit lost and frustrated

I don’t have any advice other than contact Pregnant Then Screwed. They were brilliant when I needed advice regarding work x

 

[WeepingCassandra]

Anyone here dealt with and come out the other side of post natal depression??
My second baby was born premature in January and I’ve felt pretty shit since. Every day just feels like rinse and repeat. I often feel like I’m just existing. I feel removed and detached from almost everything and everyone. I feel like I’m struggling to stay bonded and close with my kids. Very little brings me actual joy. I’ve been referred to mothers4mothers, but the waitlist is a few months. I’m going to contact my dr for an appt tomorrow. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so alone and lonely. Doesn’t help that I’m also estranged from my family (who are shit anyway). none of them have even met my nearly 3 year old… I have a good group of friends, but my current nursery hours aren’t working in a way that allows me freedom to meet up with them lots, so I plan to try and change my eldests nursery hours to work a bit better.
---

I lost my mum years before my little ones came. It’s awful. I feel the huge loss of her from my life every day.

Howdy I never formally got diagnosed with PND/PNA because I went through my health visitor rather than my GP but I struggled for the first 6 months or so with a lot of very weird, very improbable anxious thoughts and trouble bonding with miniWC. 17.5 months down the line and I definitely have bad days/weeks still but generally am a whole lot better. I did a course of CBT and it was did not help unfortunately, I truly think it was time and routine that helped (and being able to get back to exercise, which was a huge part of my life before LO arrived - I'd be in the gym or doing some kind of activity most nights after work and then something else at the weekends).

PANDAs facebook group is really good, lots of similar experiences in there and listening ears (though sometimes some of the posts can be a bit triggering, just FYI).

 

[Fruitgums]

I don’t have any advice other than contact Pregnant Then Screwed. They were brilliant when I needed advice regarding work x

I work in HR but defo agree check in with pregnant then screwed and or your union as they will be able to review your contract, change of hours letter and organisations policies and processes to give the best advice.
High level advice would be it doesn't appear from what you have said they have strong reason to challenge and force a change in working days, it seems more for team interaction. Double check your flexible working confirmation letter and contract to see if they have scope to change your working pattern or hours but they can't force you to. Flexible working reasons shouldn't be taken into consideration when they approve or decline for biased reasons but highlight the need based on childcare and the lack of flexibility around this. If they are still forcing a change and not resolving at the informal discussion stage the next step would be raising a grievance. That can be a hard thing to do and not the nicest of processes but it's the best one and gives you an opportunity to present your case to an informal manager to make a decision or recommendations. Good luck!

 

[justonemorepage]

Not sure what to do for the best. Baby woke with a temperature of 38 - gave Calpol and it brought it down but Calpol has worn off and temperature is now 39.3. She cries out, I go in and give the dummy back to her and she's fine again. She doesn't wake fully but should I be waking her to administer another dose of Calpol? I'm 90% sure it's her teeth and she doesn't run a temperature in the day, just the night but this is the second night now. I haven't rang 111 because she's fine in herself. Any advice welcome or if people can just reassure me, trying not to worry but it's hard.

 

[Heyguysswipeup]

Not sure what to do for the best. Baby woke with a temperature of 38 - gave Calpol and it brought it down but Calpol has worn off and temperature is now 39.3. She cries out, I go in and give the dummy back to her and she's fine again. She doesn't wake fully but should I be waking her to administer another dose of Calpol? I'm 90% sure it's her teeth and she doesn't run a temperature in the day, just the night but this is the second night now. I haven't rang 111 because she's fine in herself. Any advice welcome or if people can just reassure me, trying not to worry but it's hard.

As long as the room is cool then I wouldn’t try and give her any calpol if she is comfortable, maybe take a layer off her if you can? My boy refuses to take any meds during the night and screams and ends up chocking or coughing from the meds so it’s not worth it in my opinion. He had a temp for 2 nights a few days ago and I called our Healthline who said if it goes on for more than 3 days then see a gp about it x but you do what your instincts tell you!!

 

[justonemorepage]

As long as the room is cool then I wouldn’t try and give her any calpol if she is comfortable, maybe take a layer off her if you can? My boy refuses to take any meds during the night and screams and ends up chocking or coughing from the meds so it’s not worth it in my opinion. He had a temp for 2 nights a few days ago and I called our Healthline who said if it goes on for more than 3 days then see a gp about it x but you do what your instincts tell you!!

Thank you. She's in a nappy and a 0.5 tog sleeping bag. Her room is 24-25 degrees at the moment. She woke again so I gave Calpol but she wants to contact nap now and won't be put down. I'll see how she is tomorrow and go from there. It's hard to know what to do because if it is teething related there's probably nothing they can do.

 

[Heyguysswipeup]

Thank you. She's in a nappy and a 0.5 tog sleeping bag. Her room is 24-25 degrees at the moment. She woke again so I gave Calpol but she wants to contact nap now and won't be put down. I'll see how she is tomorrow and go from there. It's hard to know what to do because if it is teething related there's probably nothing they can do.

Teething is an absolute bitch! My boy is 13 months and cut 4 teeth in the past 10 days. I still breastfeed so he was hanging off me for comfort but then biting too, I was actually sobbing to my husband to take him in the morning cos I was in so much pain. Just plenty of pain relief, cold things to go in the mouth and teething powder / balm if you have any!!

 

[justonemorepage]

Teething is an absolute bitch! My boy is 13 months and cut 4 teeth in the past 10 days. I still breastfeed so he was hanging off me for comfort but then biting too, I was actually sobbing to my husband to take him in the morning cos I was in so much pain. Just plenty of pain relief, cold things to go in the mouth and teething powder / balm if you have any!!

Aww bless you, that sounds so rough. She seems to have two or three coming through at once. The first one started two weeks ago and didn't bother her at all but it only came through a tiny bit. Now it's properly coming through with others alongside it and it must be torture for her. Fingers crossed it doesn't last much longer for you, especially when breastfeeding too. It must be so exhausting and the pain must be unreal. You are doing amazing though

 

[justonemorepage]

Update: baby's temp has been 37-39 all day and she's been a bit more grizzly than usual. Still think it's her teeth but tonight she's spiked at 40. Given Calpol and we are back down to 38 but she's quite sleepy and feeling sorry for herself. Going to see how she is during the night but is it worth ringing the GP in the morning? Is there anything they can actually do? Apart from being a bit more sleepy than normal she hasn't got any other worrying signs. Plus she hasn't slept properly in two days so that might account for the sleepiness. She's had wet and dirty nappies, is eating fine and drank some water but she's not finishing her bottles. Only had 370ml today. I don't want to be wasting people's time but equally I don't want to ignore anything that could get worse. It's so hard to judge it isn't it? I'm in work tomorrow as well so she'll be with family so not sure how to go about it all. This is the first time she's ever been unwell/spiked a temp. Sorry everyone for going on, just looking for reassurance if others have been through this because it's new territory for me.

 

[opintionatedperson]

Update: baby's temp has been 37-39 all day and she's been a bit more grizzly than usual. Still think it's her teeth but tonight she's spiked at 40. Given Calpol and we are back down to 38 but she's quite sleepy and feeling sorry for herself. Going to see how she is during the night but is it worth ringing the GP in the morning? Is there anything they can actually do? Apart from being a bit more sleepy than normal she hasn't got any other worrying signs. Plus she hasn't slept properly in two days so that might account for the sleepiness. She's had wet and dirty nappies, is eating fine and drank some water but she's not finishing her bottles. Only had 370ml today. I don't want to be wasting people's time but equally I don't want to ignore anything that could get worse. It's so hard to judge it isn't it? I'm in work tomorrow as well so she'll be with family so not sure how to go about it all. This is the first time she's ever been unwell/spiked a temp. Sorry everyone for going on, just looking for reassurance if others have been through this because it's new territory for me.

Peace of mind is worth ringing the GP. No GP will refuse or give out when it's relating to a baby. I'd get it checked out just for your own peace of mind .

 

[WeepingCassandra]

We've been having problems getting miniWC down recently - not sure if it's teething, 18 month regression or something else - and he's still awake now (normally asleep by half 7). I got in from the gym, OH said he won't go down. I said ok, I'll go and shower and try it again, give him some more milk. No dice. OH cooks our dinner so I said he'll have to wait ten minutes whilst I eat and I'll go back. He then stomps out and then decides that he should go in his room and turn the fucking light on because that'll help him sleep. Hasn't eaten his own dinner, it's sitting next to me going cold. I can't be arsed to look after two fucking babies tonight.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Update: baby's temp has been 37-39 all day and she's been a bit more grizzly than usual. Still think it's her teeth but tonight she's spiked at 40. Given Calpol and we are back down to 38 but she's quite sleepy and feeling sorry for herself. Going to see how she is during the night but is it worth ringing the GP in the morning? Is there anything they can actually do? Apart from being a bit more sleepy than normal she hasn't got any other worrying signs. Plus she hasn't slept properly in two days so that might account for the sleepiness. She's had wet and dirty nappies, is eating fine and drank some water but she's not finishing her bottles. Only had 370ml today. I don't want to be wasting people's time but equally I don't want to ignore anything that could get worse. It's so hard to judge it isn't it? I'm in work tomorrow as well so she'll be with family so not sure how to go about it all. This is the first time she's ever been unwell/spiked a temp. Sorry everyone for going on, just looking for reassurance if others have been through this because it's new territory for me.

It's definitely worth speaking to someone for advice - even if not the GP, you could speak to a pharmacist just to see what they think. A couple of months ago baby bandit had a high temperature and was out of sorts for 2-3 days but it passed on its own with just Calpol etc but then last month he had another temperature and was out of sorts, and it came and went over 4-5 days so I took him to the GP and it was tonsillitis. It's so hard to tell exactly what's going on, so always best to call just to check I hope she feels better soon!

 

[justonemorepage]

It's definitely worth speaking to someone for advice - even if not the GP, you could speak to a pharmacist just to see what they think. A couple of months ago baby bandit had a high temperature and was out of sorts for 2-3 days but it passed on its own with just Calpol etc but then last month he had another temperature and was out of sorts, and it came and went over 4-5 days so I took him to the GP and it was tonsillitis. It's so hard to tell exactly what's going on, so always best to call just to check I hope she feels better soon!

Thank you. I spoke to 111 last night and they suggested that I take her to a GP today. Her temp is steadily going up so it's 40.1 this morning and this has been going on for three nights now. Calpol brings it down but only for a few hours.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Thank you. I spoke to 111 last night and they suggested that I take her to a GP today. Her temp is steadily going up so it's 40.1 this morning and this has been going on for three nights now. Calpol brings it down but only for a few hours.

Oh bless her, hopefully the GP can find the cause of it and give antibiotics if it's some sort of infection. If you can't get a GP appointment you can call 111 back and they'll be able to book her in for you instead, as GPs give 111 a certain number of slots for urgent cases. Good luck!

 

[eppingforestbambi]

Baby’s “4 month sleep regression” is still going strong at almost 5 months. He’s currently waking up EIGHT times a night to breastfeed. He was originally down to just one wake up per night, and almost sleeping through.

I feel like I’m losing mind. I’m hoping it goes back to normal soon.

 

[WeepingCassandra]

Having an awful day. LO has always had quite loose BMs, and quite frequent ones, all his life. He's been sent home from nursery today for having 3 in one hour that were loose (tbf, I probably should be less annoyed about that). But OH has been home with him since 10:30 and he's had no more, he's napping now granted but is teething really badly atm so that's probably the reason. OH only has 3 days of annual leave before the end of the calendar year and whilst I have something like 12 days left (all fun holiday booked until the end of the year) I have to cover Christmas with that and my leave year runs until June 2025. So potentially if that happens again two - three more times before June next year I'll have no more annual leave left.

Spoiler: Whiny MH bit

My friend (who's very child free, never wants kids and has never wanted them) was saying the other day about how a woman in her office makes kids seem like the worst experience ever and I have to say these last few weeks I have to agree. My little one is adorable, very sweet and he gives the best hugs but in discussion with her I concluded that I would be just as happy if not maybe more happy if we'd never had kids. I've been sick for the last two weeks, constantly. If LO does have a stomach bug, I'll be getting it next and missing more work. He's also brewing a cold, so that'll be passed on too. I am fed up

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Having an awful day. LO has always had quite loose BMs, and quite frequent ones, all his life. He's been sent home from nursery today for having 3 in one hour that were loose (tbf, I probably should be less annoyed about that). But OH has been home with him since 10:30 and he's had no more, he's napping now granted but is teething really badly atm so that's probably the reason. OH only has 3 days of annual leave before the end of the calendar year and whilst I have something like 12 days left (all fun holiday booked until the end of the year) I have to cover Christmas with that and my leave year runs until June 2025. So potentially if that happens again two - three more times before June next year I'll have no more annual leave left.

Spoiler: Whiny MH bit

My friend (who's very child free, never wants kids and has never wanted them) was saying the other day about how a woman in her office makes kids seem like the worst experience ever and I have to say these last few weeks I have to agree. My little one is adorable, very sweet and he gives the best hugs but in discussion with her I concluded that I would be just as happy if not maybe more happy if we'd never had kids. I've been sick for the last two weeks, constantly. If LO does have a stomach bug, I'll be getting it next and missing more work. He's also brewing a cold, so that'll be passed on too. I am fed up

I'm so sorry things are so tough at the moment can you look into accessing more support for your mental health? I know the CBT didn't help but there are other options and also medication, that might help lift you out of how you're feeling and help you find more balance?

About taking time off when LO is ill - look into your work's family absence policy. I'm not sure if it's a legal requirement or just something most organisations do, but you can take unpaid dependents leave when you need to have a day off at short notice due to a child or close family member being ill and needing you to look after them. Also some organisations have parental leave as well, I think it's unpaid but until your child is 18 you're entitled to book a set number of weeks off work to help with childcare etc, but that one has to be booked in advance and in blocks of a full week I think. Obviously unpaid isn't great but it gives you flexibility to spend more time with your child, whatever the reason

 

[jolly_parsley]

Ugh I’m losing the will. My husband has suddenly started doing nappies looser and is then surprised when we’re having more nappy leaks and then today went and bought the follow on milk instead of from birth (Baby Parsley is 4 months old). I don’t know what’s going on he’s been a great hands on dad and done perfect nappy changes and always bought the proper formula and now in the last couple of days he’s just doing this I feel like I can’t complain because he does so much around the house so I can focus on Baby Parsley during the day and then he does the one night feed that Baby Parsley has. When he’s not doing stuff around the house he watches tv shows on his laptop and so I never get a break from baby duty except for when I shower/use the bathroom/Baby Parsley naps. I’ve had one episode left of Bridgerton to watch since the end of June but haven’t managed to finish it but he’s managed to watch the new series of HotD in a week I tried hinting that I wanted a break this evening saying how tired I was at like 8 and he was just like “Why don’t you take Baby Parsley up with you and he can hang out in bed with you?” uhhh because he was wide awake and nowhere near ready for bed, unlike me. Anyway bedtime was a hassle in the end and he just lay in bed on his phone while I dealt with it all while our baby was punching me in the neck. What a terrific day.

I adore lil Parsley so much he absolutely makes my life but it is so exhausting being the primary caregiver and default parent. It’s like he’s babysitting his own child, he’ll play with him or hold him for a few minutes and then he hands him back to me and goes back to his screens with his earphones in so if I need his attention I have to shout.

 

[WeepingCassandra]

I'm so sorry things are so tough at the moment ❤ can you look into accessing more support for your mental health? I know the CBT didn't help but there are other options and also medication, that might help lift you out of how you're feeling and help you find more balance?

About taking time off when LO is ill - look into your work's family absence policy. I'm not sure if it's a legal requirement or just something most organisations do, but you can take unpaid dependents leave when you need to have a day off at short notice due to a child or close family member being ill and needing you to look after them. Also some organisations have parental leave as well, I think it's unpaid but until your child is 18 you're entitled to book a set number of weeks off work to help with childcare etc, but that one has to be booked in advance and in blocks of a full week I think. Obviously unpaid isn't great but it gives you flexibility to spend more time with your child, whatever the reason

Thank you, you're so kind on this thread! It's basically CBT, medication (which made me suicidal when I tried it in my 20s) or nothing on the NHS here. I work in an area that often sees MH patients in crisis come through our ward and the support is non-existent. It's awful really. We're also trying to get life insurance atm and they keep asking questions about my MH and because I've had CBT in the last 4 years with the PND they're talking about it being more expensive etc. All just added stress.

I had a meeting with my manager the other day as well about how I'm getting on in the new team, there's been some tensions between me and junior staff and they've gone ahead and complained to her despite them largely instigating it all. Just all keeps going back to how my life before LittleWC was easy and I was so much fitter and happier in myself, in a career that I enjoyed and I had chosen, I could go out when I wanted, gym when I wanted, date nights with OH when we wanted, my annual leave was for holidays and fun things... We've both got some time off together next week when LO is in nursery for my OHs birthday but if he still has an upset stomach we'll have to cancel that (he hasn't pooped yet today though so fingers crossed we're over that) and it'll be another wasted annual leave day.

My work doesn't do that, we get 1 day a year as emergency carers leave which I've already used when we had to take him to A+E about 6 weeks back and then rest either has to be annual leave, unpaid only if you've used up all your annual leave!

 

[storminaDcup]

My husband is absolutely doing my head in this morning. He’s taking our 7 month old out for a walk and lunch with his sister and packing the baby bag for this trip and getting him ready to go seems to be blowing his mind.

He was gonna send our little boy out in just a short sleeved vest and I pointed out that he may want to put some shorts on with the vest so it’s more of an outfit.

Anyway there was this whole drama of him not being able to find shorts that matched this vest that he had on. The navy ones he wanted to put him on weren’t anywhere to be seen (probably because they’re in the wash pile or he hasn’t checked the drawers upstairs properly). Then he had a go at me as apparently all his clothes are ‘everywhere’ which really fucked me off as it isnt true at all, they are all in his nursery drawers, which is sorted into the divider compartments etc and there is a pile also on the floor in the nursery I haven’t been able to put away yet since they were only washed the other day.

he literally has 0 day to day involvement in buying any of the baby clothes / the constant managing of the baby wardrobe and sorting through and putting aside the stuff he doesn’t fit in anymore / washing them or putting them away. And he starts giving me shit like that, am I right to be annoyed at this?

I told him in the end just to put our baby in the grey shorts as it wasn’t a fashion show and just went upstairs and now we’re not speaking.