Are you implying she's *not* a withered anorexic who can't BEAR being photographed? Btw, I think this pic is 10-15 years old minimum.Don’t hate me but her figure looks great hereI do need more context though, sure we’ll get it in some moany article
Liz Jones #4 Why am I so miserable and can't get a shag? Is it because I smell and am a drunken old hag?
- Thread starter witchofwestbyfleet
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witchofwestbyfleet
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In Which No One Gives a tit or, The Podcast
No music today because Liz starts off talking about the Nottingham attacks. She gets emotional and says it's tragic when young people die. Come off it, Liz. You hate young people! She starts crying and is cut off by the podcast theme tune. Awkward.
Then she moves on to her archive piece which is about emotional support animals. She talks about a woman in Florida who provided therapy dogs to help kids affected by a school shooting; and a teenage survivor of the Manchester bombing whose dog helped her recover. Unfortunately this prompts Liz to start saying the victims in Manchester have been "forgotten" and the same will happen in Nottingham. Well, all dead people are ultimately forgotten (except by their own family and friends) and Manchester is still in pretty recent memory. This bit is distasteful. It's like when she wrote that Joanna Yeates was becoming "another thumbnail on the police website!" when they were still looking for the killer, and caught him shortly afterwards.
Liz says it's OK to abruptly change the subject cuz they do it on This Morning! Now we're talking about Vogue. Liz says Edward Enninful has been "shunted upstairs" implying he was dismissed because of a decline in quality. But she and Nic are delighted that he put Miriam Margolyes on the cover. Nic is shocked that Miriam's brave enough to pose topless in her 80s. Get used to it, love. If Liz lives into her 80s you can bet we'll still be hearing about the Myla Thong. Liz of course starts rambling about her achievements at Marie Claire and how she did it all with a "fat husband" and a salary of just £27,000 a year. That's worth almost £50,000 today, so not as low as she makes it sound.
Nic is grateful that she got a lot of supportive emails over her illness that was mentioned in Liz's last column. Liz of course must piss all over Nic's chips and says that no one famous contacted Nic, whereas Liz got emails from a ROCK STAR and a FILM STAR when Gracie died. I think she means the female "film star" who supposedly wanted to buy her a house. Doesn't matter anyways cuz if Liz did get emails then she sent them herself! Nic talks about how one of Liz's readers gave her a free psychic reading and Liz is all "now you're an influencer! like Kim Kardashian!" What the actual duck? Does Liz think being offered free goods = influencer?
Liz and Nic discuss the show Best Interests, about a couple with a terminally ill child. Liz insults Sharon Hogan and talks about her parents' palliative care. She also talks at excruciating length about how she saw "Alexander Skarsgard ejaculate" in a movie, "unless he had a penis double." Nic is repulsed as she "doesn't do bodily fluids." This week's column: "In Which I Make an Indecent Proposal." Liz texted David asking for phone sex - loudly cuz she's DEAF. Supposedly she told David she was going on a work trip to Switzerland and he replied "can you bring back a brochure for Dignitas?" So Liz worried that he might be a tiny bit upset, and decided to cheer him up with phone sex. Ain't she thoughtful. In the next breath, she gets in swipes about him having bad teeth and not wanting to give him a blowjob.
David politely declined Liz's kind offer because they are not in a relationship. She thinks that since they used to be together, he should be up for a booty call any time she wants it. She gives a long list of various men who rejected her, including "Osama Bin Laden" (Kevin Le Gendre - now she's saying he IS Bin Laden!) and a young French man to whom she gave an internship because she wanted to sleep with him. "I'm turning into Phillip Schofield!" she cries. You said it, not us. David sent her a flirty text saying he had an idea for an "indoor activity", but Liz shut him down and offended him. She'll stick to Alexander Skarsgard and offers to send her fans a link to pirate The Jizz Movie.
Fan mail: you may remember that Liz was in touch with the mother of a severely disabled young woman, who emailed again this week saying Liz is "an inspiration." In response to Liz's article about aura-reading, Linda bemoans "the facile assessment of your aura by someone who knows bugger all." Linda knows all about auras and openly insults the reader and Claudia Connell (another person featured in the article.) Liz is disgusted that the reader didn't pick up on her grief over losing Gracie, but also that on her way out someone tried to sell her an £80 candle and it wasn't even Diptyque!
Then she moves on to her archive piece which is about emotional support animals. She talks about a woman in Florida who provided therapy dogs to help kids affected by a school shooting; and a teenage survivor of the Manchester bombing whose dog helped her recover. Unfortunately this prompts Liz to start saying the victims in Manchester have been "forgotten" and the same will happen in Nottingham. Well, all dead people are ultimately forgotten (except by their own family and friends) and Manchester is still in pretty recent memory. This bit is distasteful. It's like when she wrote that Joanna Yeates was becoming "another thumbnail on the police website!" when they were still looking for the killer, and caught him shortly afterwards.
Liz says it's OK to abruptly change the subject cuz they do it on This Morning! Now we're talking about Vogue. Liz says Edward Enninful has been "shunted upstairs" implying he was dismissed because of a decline in quality. But she and Nic are delighted that he put Miriam Margolyes on the cover. Nic is shocked that Miriam's brave enough to pose topless in her 80s. Get used to it, love. If Liz lives into her 80s you can bet we'll still be hearing about the Myla Thong. Liz of course starts rambling about her achievements at Marie Claire and how she did it all with a "fat husband" and a salary of just £27,000 a year. That's worth almost £50,000 today, so not as low as she makes it sound.
Nic is grateful that she got a lot of supportive emails over her illness that was mentioned in Liz's last column. Liz of course must piss all over Nic's chips and says that no one famous contacted Nic, whereas Liz got emails from a ROCK STAR and a FILM STAR when Gracie died. I think she means the female "film star" who supposedly wanted to buy her a house. Doesn't matter anyways cuz if Liz did get emails then she sent them herself! Nic talks about how one of Liz's readers gave her a free psychic reading and Liz is all "now you're an influencer! like Kim Kardashian!" What the actual duck? Does Liz think being offered free goods = influencer?
Liz and Nic discuss the show Best Interests, about a couple with a terminally ill child. Liz insults Sharon Hogan and talks about her parents' palliative care. She also talks at excruciating length about how she saw "Alexander Skarsgard ejaculate" in a movie, "unless he had a penis double." Nic is repulsed as she "doesn't do bodily fluids." This week's column: "In Which I Make an Indecent Proposal." Liz texted David asking for phone sex - loudly cuz she's DEAF. Supposedly she told David she was going on a work trip to Switzerland and he replied "can you bring back a brochure for Dignitas?" So Liz worried that he might be a tiny bit upset, and decided to cheer him up with phone sex. Ain't she thoughtful. In the next breath, she gets in swipes about him having bad teeth and not wanting to give him a blowjob.
David politely declined Liz's kind offer because they are not in a relationship. She thinks that since they used to be together, he should be up for a booty call any time she wants it. She gives a long list of various men who rejected her, including "Osama Bin Laden" (Kevin Le Gendre - now she's saying he IS Bin Laden!) and a young French man to whom she gave an internship because she wanted to sleep with him. "I'm turning into Phillip Schofield!" she cries. You said it, not us. David sent her a flirty text saying he had an idea for an "indoor activity", but Liz shut him down and offended him. She'll stick to Alexander Skarsgard and offers to send her fans a link to pirate The Jizz Movie.
Fan mail: you may remember that Liz was in touch with the mother of a severely disabled young woman, who emailed again this week saying Liz is "an inspiration." In response to Liz's article about aura-reading, Linda bemoans "the facile assessment of your aura by someone who knows bugger all." Linda knows all about auras and openly insults the reader and Claudia Connell (another person featured in the article.) Liz is disgusted that the reader didn't pick up on her grief over losing Gracie, but also that on her way out someone tried to sell her an £80 candle and it wasn't even Diptyque!
shushablay
Chatty Member
Thanks @witchofwestbyfleet for the recap and @Mediastar for the dreary. Read the podcast, couldn't think of much to say, then started reading the dreary, got to the third para and noped out..WTAF she thinks David wants to kill himself because she is no longer with him..I really don't think so, if anything the thought of spending time with her on holiday is more likely to tip him over the edge, and I just don't believe any of it anyway, it's just a load of deluded tripe.
Will wait til the evening, have a couple of drinks, then read the rest, the alcohol may make me see the funny side, rather than feeling quite sick as I do right now.
Will wait til the evening, have a couple of drinks, then read the rest, the alcohol may make me see the funny side, rather than feeling quite sick as I do right now.
Don't 'bank' on it...
Jumbojet1251
Chatty Member
Tried to enjoy my chocolate twist, came up to the sex part (‘taste you’ I could’ve done well without ever reading), masticated for an hour as my throat constricted. Grim.
Like Sam and Smith in SATC! AS IF!!
Like Sam and Smith in SATC! AS IF!!
House of Tea
VIP Member
Christ, it’s the dregs this week.
sunshine13
Active member
Does she have no pride at all? #rhetoricalquestion
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Excuse my ignorance - wtf is a "ring light?"
witchofwestbyfleet
VIP Member
It's a ring-shaped light that influencers and photographers use to make someone look better in pictures/videos
MavisBeacon
VIP Member
The Ring Light bit is very funny as a zoom sex joke, I wonder if it was intentional? The "dry, I hope not" bit made me boak
It will be unequivocally unintentional.
shushablay
Chatty Member
Nothing short of a full video editing program, including CGI is going to make her look in anyway sexy 
How can you say such a thing? Juggo hitching up the wincyette, artfully lighting her ring, whilst scrubbing away at her billiard ball? Boy howdy, I don't think it gets hotter that that! And don't forget the estuary drone commentary! Any man who doesn't feel a rush of blood to the loins would be a fool! I mean to say, if she looked like this 14 years ago, she'll be in her prime now! Ding dong! So what if she has a wonky nose, half her veneers have fallen off and her eyebrows are transplanted pubes... you can't beat dyed in the wool quality!Nothing short of a full video editing program, including CGI is going to make her look in anyway sexy
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witchofwestbyfleet
VIP Member
She's wearing an ancient thong and her hair is so damaged it no longer reflects light
There's a Black Hole joke here straining to get out!
witchofwestbyfleet
VIP Member
No Party like a Pity Party aka The Podcast
Liz and Nic play the Miami Vice theme and talk about Don Johnson, who was recently in Book Club 2 as the fiance of Jane Fonda's character. She thinks it's ridiculous to have them play a couple because Don is 73 and Jane is 85. Still not as big an age gap as Liz and Nirpal! Liz sneers at Johnson's "stupid daughter" (the actress Dakota Johnson) "getting her nipples out" in the 50 Shades of Grey movies. The clue's in the title, Liz. It's 50 Shades not The Sound of Music. She says she once interviewed Antonio Banderas and he was offended by her asking why Melanie Griffiths would leave Don for him. Gee, I wonder why Antonio got upset?
Liz went shopping for the first time in years. She admits that she's bought clothes online since then but that didn't count because she didn't go into a shop. She has to go away next week on a work trip - "a very high-end story cuz I'm a high-end person." Double "ha" with a hyphen! She went to Zara but their decent clothes are sold in London only, and the store was full of half-naked girls. So poor Liz was forced to go back online and blow hundreds on designer gear. Liz says shopping is the only thing that makes her feel good; therapy doesn't. That would be why she's bankrupt, then. She doesn't like renting clothes and doesn't care if it's eco-friendly - "stop having children, buy clothes!"
Liz wrote a "one-woman play" at Easter "because I don't need chocolate." It's about a woman who performs on stage with a hologram of a dead star, based on this recently being done with Paul McCartney and John Lennon at Glastonbury. She's convinced the play will be a hit and make Liz's fortune, just like The Turtle's Head, and the movie script, and ... Liz rambles for a bit about Jennifer Aniston's knickers and Patrick Demarchelier's photography. Nic is reading Yellowface by RF Kuang, in which a white woman passes off a Chinese person's literary manuscript as her own work. Nic gives intelligent and thoughtful commentary on the book. Liz isn't sharp enough to keep up with this and just grumbles about, "in my books, men are ABSOLUTE BASTARDS!" Being of Chinese descent myself, I'm pretty relieved she didn't try to weigh in any further.
This week's column: "In Which I Grieve For My Former Self." This one's even more incoherent than usual. Liz had Botox and bought designer clothes online (as mentioned earlier.) She talks about a friend burned by the mortgage crisis. Liz feels she's had "no life at all." All the five-star travel and interviewing celebrities doesn't count. She is having therapy but it doesn't help. Liz is estranged from her eeeeeevil sister Sue and still has nightmares about Sue bullying her. I'd bully my sister too if she spoke about me like this on her podcast. Liz was there for her nephew's first iPod, his first Hermes sneakers, his first driving lesson in an expensive car, yet now she hasn't seen him for years and knows nothing about him. Liz: do you think the fact you view his life in terms of consumer goods explains why you're no longer part of it?
She compares being separated from her nephew to parents losing custody battles, without a hint of awareness of how offensive this is. She has come down so far in the world that she now has no car (sold to pay Gracie's vet bills, remember?) and her mortgage-burdened friend suggested Liz buy a Volvo instead of a Land Rover. She says she's not just grieving for her nephew, or her London house, or Gracie, but for "the person I used to be: dynamic, successful, happy, high-end, optimistic." Now she's a peasant, like everyone else. A Volvo person. "I fear Next and Per Una are beckoning like an open grave!"
She's angry because someone "ruined her life" and she's had "no recompense!" Who's it this time, Liz? Sue? The stalker? Nirpal? Anything to avoid taking responsibility. She says her psychotherapist didn't believe a highly paid columnist in a national newspaper could be in such dire straits until Liz had a nervous breakdown live on Zoom because someone rang her doorbell. Nic says some sensitive and touching words about the impact of hidden disability that go, again, far over the head of High-End Lizbot.
Archive column: is from 2021 about Liz's alcoholism and finally giving up drinking. This is the one where she goes into graphic, intrusive detail about her sister and sister-in-law's alcoholism including naming both women. The rest is pity-me stuff about how she started drinking because Evil Sue bullied her, all the other women at Marie Claire were younger and had boyfriends, etc. etc. etc. Urgh. Feel like I might need to go and rub myself with salt to get clean again.
Fan mail: Diane offers advice on "Mini Puppy's" crumbling teeth. Alex suggests Liz visit a psychic for guidance, as if there aren't a dozen or more past columns/articles about Liz consulting a psychic. Liz says that a clairvoyant advised her to move to Exmoor and told her it would be a "sanctuary." Not for long, Liz says! Nic tells her to blame Sue and we thankfully end there.
Liz went shopping for the first time in years. She admits that she's bought clothes online since then but that didn't count because she didn't go into a shop. She has to go away next week on a work trip - "a very high-end story cuz I'm a high-end person." Double "ha" with a hyphen! She went to Zara but their decent clothes are sold in London only, and the store was full of half-naked girls. So poor Liz was forced to go back online and blow hundreds on designer gear. Liz says shopping is the only thing that makes her feel good; therapy doesn't. That would be why she's bankrupt, then. She doesn't like renting clothes and doesn't care if it's eco-friendly - "stop having children, buy clothes!"
Liz wrote a "one-woman play" at Easter "because I don't need chocolate." It's about a woman who performs on stage with a hologram of a dead star, based on this recently being done with Paul McCartney and John Lennon at Glastonbury. She's convinced the play will be a hit and make Liz's fortune, just like The Turtle's Head, and the movie script, and ... Liz rambles for a bit about Jennifer Aniston's knickers and Patrick Demarchelier's photography. Nic is reading Yellowface by RF Kuang, in which a white woman passes off a Chinese person's literary manuscript as her own work. Nic gives intelligent and thoughtful commentary on the book. Liz isn't sharp enough to keep up with this and just grumbles about, "in my books, men are ABSOLUTE BASTARDS!" Being of Chinese descent myself, I'm pretty relieved she didn't try to weigh in any further.
This week's column: "In Which I Grieve For My Former Self." This one's even more incoherent than usual. Liz had Botox and bought designer clothes online (as mentioned earlier.) She talks about a friend burned by the mortgage crisis. Liz feels she's had "no life at all." All the five-star travel and interviewing celebrities doesn't count. She is having therapy but it doesn't help. Liz is estranged from her eeeeeevil sister Sue and still has nightmares about Sue bullying her. I'd bully my sister too if she spoke about me like this on her podcast. Liz was there for her nephew's first iPod, his first Hermes sneakers, his first driving lesson in an expensive car, yet now she hasn't seen him for years and knows nothing about him. Liz: do you think the fact you view his life in terms of consumer goods explains why you're no longer part of it?
She compares being separated from her nephew to parents losing custody battles, without a hint of awareness of how offensive this is. She has come down so far in the world that she now has no car (sold to pay Gracie's vet bills, remember?) and her mortgage-burdened friend suggested Liz buy a Volvo instead of a Land Rover. She says she's not just grieving for her nephew, or her London house, or Gracie, but for "the person I used to be: dynamic, successful, happy, high-end, optimistic." Now she's a peasant, like everyone else. A Volvo person. "I fear Next and Per Una are beckoning like an open grave!"
She's angry because someone "ruined her life" and she's had "no recompense!" Who's it this time, Liz? Sue? The stalker? Nirpal? Anything to avoid taking responsibility. She says her psychotherapist didn't believe a highly paid columnist in a national newspaper could be in such dire straits until Liz had a nervous breakdown live on Zoom because someone rang her doorbell. Nic says some sensitive and touching words about the impact of hidden disability that go, again, far over the head of High-End Lizbot.
Archive column: is from 2021 about Liz's alcoholism and finally giving up drinking. This is the one where she goes into graphic, intrusive detail about her sister and sister-in-law's alcoholism including naming both women. The rest is pity-me stuff about how she started drinking because Evil Sue bullied her, all the other women at Marie Claire were younger and had boyfriends, etc. etc. etc. Urgh. Feel like I might need to go and rub myself with salt to get clean again.
Fan mail: Diane offers advice on "Mini Puppy's" crumbling teeth. Alex suggests Liz visit a psychic for guidance, as if there aren't a dozen or more past columns/articles about Liz consulting a psychic. Liz says that a clairvoyant advised her to move to Exmoor and told her it would be a "sanctuary." Not for long, Liz says! Nic tells her to blame Sue and we thankfully end there.
MacPishFlaps
Active member
https://www.12ft.io/https://www.dai...are-Kate-Middleton-Princess-Diana-sexist.html
Sigh. Why do the DM continue to employ this woman
Dreary. Another 'friend' pops up from nowhere still paying a mortgage in her 60's, which seems unlikely! Otherwise it's the usual absurd "poor me". Why does she want a Defender? She never does anything or goes anywhere...
And what of the amazing Disappearing Holiday on a Yacht?
Who cares, eh?
And what of the amazing Disappearing Holiday on a Yacht?
Who cares, eh?
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Belgian Bun
Chatty Member
Oh bleeping please. As a 61 year old in rented accommodation, no car (ok, by choice, but I can't really justify running one), not a single designer thread, no partner, and no family nearby, I have zero sympathy, or empathy for this woman. She can take her high-end aspirations and shove them up her botoxed flat arse.
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