The gruesome twosome blare "Just Like a Prayer" but Nic warns that they won't be releasing an album because everyone hates their singing except a fan on Twitter named Pat. Who we promise is real. They've been watching the controversial
The Idol starring Lily-Rose Depp. Liz says she would "slap" Lily-Rose for appearing in this if she were Lily-Rose's mother. Bold of her to assume Lily-Rose wouldn't have gone non-contact at age 18 to get away from her hateful mum. Liz doesn't like the show because it's PORN and EXPLOITATION and also features a woman masturbating, shock horror! Classy ladies don't jerk off; they jump on the dick of the first man in their DMs and write about it for their weekly column in the MoS.
Liz and Nic talk about porn and sexual violence and actually make some half decent points for once, although I do think
The Idol's intended audience can distinguish fantasy from reality and won't necessarily want to be strangled during sex because a fictional character does it. Liz says without a trace of self awareness that she loves
Last Tango in Paris but that's OK because it's artistic and wasn't shown on Sky. Onto the more innocent subject of
Love Island for a bit and Nic explaining what "Turkey Teeth" are. Then they talk about
This Morning and Holly Willoughby at length. Liz is a huge fan of Holly now apparently, despite having previously called her disgraceful for not wearing makeup.
Nic defends Phillip Schofield, pulling the consenting adults card and saying "he's not exactly Rolf Harris." No, he's not, but that's beside the point. Overlooking grooming and abuse of power is how we get to the situation where someone like Rolf can openly abuse victims. Incidentally, Nic
tweeted not long ago indicating she and her boyfriend got together when he was 17 and she was 42; then, when the maths were pointed to her, said in fact he was 20. For legal reasons, I will not speculate on whether her sympathy for Phil has anything to do with their shared penchant for much younger partners. Liz is actually the reasonable one for a moment and says it's wrong to sexually exploit your employees. Don't worry, she blows it 30 seconds later by saying people should have spat at Nirpal in the street for cheating on her.
Column: "In Which Liz Reaches Her Boiling Point." Liz's life was "a seamless glide" in London, apart from NIRPS, but then she made the monumental mistake of moving to the countryside. Now, "every day is a pitched battle." She claims she has just £100 in her business account and again hints at something she can't talk about because she "has been threatened by a legal letter." Again saying it had quite a profound impact on her looks, so Tattle's guess of botched cosmetic treatment is probably right. She repeats accusations from past columns such as the Official Receiver refusing to believe work trips weren't her personal holidays, or that vandals shot at her letterbox when she lived in Exmoor. She's also annoyed at David making "demands" on her, yet still refers to him as her boyfriend. You wish, Jonesy; he went out into the Midnight Storm long ago, never to return.
"Trolls attack me every day and run a forum discussing me!" Hi, Liz!
But it's all good because she knows just how her idol Meghan feels. She threatens her plumber with violence. Then says "my downfall is entirely the fault of other people!" including her sister Sue, and Nirps. Self-awareness? Humility? What are those? "ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH!" she shrieks in tones straight out of
The Exorcist. Archive column is a rehash of last year's missive about her no-fault eviction from Poo Cottage. Liz proudly informs us that it was the third most read article in the
Mail that week! Yes this is the one where she says she spent £59,000 on renovating a
rented house.
Fan mail: a couple of letters expressing sympathy over Gracie, then someone offering to be "David 3.0" even though his name is Graham. "I could compromise on that!" he hopefully interjects. That'll work, I'm sure. The Myla Thong will be hanging from his light fitting in no time.
dates then picking a fight so she's got an excuse to back out of them 
.
