xoxogossip_girl
VIP Member
What I would say is don’t talk to someone for weeks. It creates a false sense of intimacy with that person. If they wanted to meet you they’d arrange it within a week. Otherwise you’re a penpal to them and nothing more
Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past
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Rach472
Chatty Member
Yes you have absolutely hit the nail on the head there thank you!
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Omg it's getting worse, he likes Trump. Who is this person
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freezelouise43
Chatty Member
Some of that is my side too though with my availability, I only get Friday and Saturday night off so if they happen to have plans things tend to get delayed. But as my previous post said it’s a bit of a catch 22 situation- I changed my shifts and got flaked on so I’m reluctant to change my working hours just have to see if schedules align I guess
You weren't replying to me but I feel like this applies to me too
What do you do after a week though? Ghost them? Or initiate the meeting up? I know it's 2024 and women can do that but I don't always want to be the one doing the chasing. And at the same time I try and be empathetic and think maybe they're nervous or just don't have time at atm. It's tricky too because I don't like to rush in to things either. It takes me a couple of weeks to feel comfortable enough to consider meeting someone. Definitely at that point I start getting restless though.
freezelouise43
Chatty Member
I feel the sameYou weren't replying to me but I feel like this applies to me too
It's tricky too because I don't like to rush in to things either. It takes me a couple of weeks to feel comfortable enough to consider meeting someone. Definitely at that point I start getting restless though.
I feel like it’s so hard to connect with people, like no one says, “fancy meeting up” and you tend to just sidestep around the question and end up feeling awkward asking, I don’t want to do the chasing either! Feels like it should be the easiest thing in the world to ask too
monepierce
Well-known member
I feel the same
I quit dating apps over a year and a half ago and I’ve used them on off for about 8/9 years prior. I have NEVER once been asked on a date or to meet up, just countless talking stages and conversations that fizzled out and guys asking for my Instagram (not even my number) and then never speaking to me again but never missing my stories. why do men.
xoxogossip_girl
VIP Member
Oh I totally get that. I’ll just give you an example from my own life. I talked to a guy for ages probably a month all told. We lived a few hours from each other and worked different schedules so of course it wasn’t going to be easy to meet up. Eventually after literal weeks of talking he just says “I don’t know when I’ll have time off next to be able to see you” even though I was happy to travel to him, so I just left it there.You weren't replying to me but I feel like this applies to me too
It's tricky too because I don't like to rush in to things either. It takes me a couple of weeks to feel comfortable enough to consider meeting someone. Definitely at that point I start getting restless though.
If these men like you they will travel and make the effort, if they don’t they’ll make excuses. A date takes an hour or two tops. Men don’t put any effort into getting ready, they don’t even make reservations most of the the time. So if you can’t or won’t spare two hours for you now, when will he? I know it’s tough because it feels like there’s less options now and everyone worries theyre running out of time.
I always stop and ask myself “would my future husband/partner etc do this?” And if the answers no. I move on. dont feel bad for ghosting either. Controversially I don’t consider it ghosting if we haven’t met yet, we’re strangers and if I stop talking to you I don’t have to justify it, especially if you’re wasting my time.
LaBlonde
VIP Member
i absolutely agree with all of this and, honestly, with your comment on ghosting too. i think we kind of start thinking about ghosting the moment you’re emotionally invested in someone but, like you say, you’re strangers until you meet and owe each other nothing really. if the behaviour starts annoying or frustrating you then
i think you’ve explained really well why these long drawn out penpal interactions help no one. i always seem to get caught in them and they’re exhausting: it’s impossible to build a connection with someone who is so passive about wanting to take things off screen. i’ll allow a month at maximum if there are good reasons but no one is that busy that they can’t spare a few hours for a coffee/drinks/whatever. if they wanted to meet you, they would.
freezelouise43
Chatty Member
Thank you for sharing- it’s good to know it’s part of a wider issue we are all experiencing- I’m yet to actually be asked to meet! Often they want to start with the filth 4 messages in, like anyone is ok with that and when you try and steer them off topic they unmatch you
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Thank you for sharing yes! I wonder if society has made us so addicted to our little screens and the dopamine fix we get, that somehow the real life interaction doesn’t give you the same high?
I have an example of this…whenever I was drunk I’d text my FWB and we would have some pointless flirtatious convo that would end when I went to bed. I used the see the little number 1 in “archived” on WhatsApp and that would be such a high. Compared to when I actually saw him which was usually an anxiety ridden toxic mess. It was safe from the real life interaction and the consequences of that. I wonder if that’s how life has got these days?
if anyone’s interested, how I broke that cycle was screenshot WhatsApp with that little 1. So whenever I needed to feel ok I’d look at the screenshot rather than message him. It was the placebo effect- same result!
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-So the idiot from the lad from the weekend has blocked me.
- I made out with a guy yesterday in car lol felt like a teenager all over again.
-and now I’m going on a first date tonight!
Honestly, not putting all your eggs in the one basket and going with the flow is the best way
- I made out with a guy yesterday in car lol felt like a teenager all over again.
-and now I’m going on a first date tonight!
Honestly, not putting all your eggs in the one basket and going with the flow is the best way
I’ve had an extended holiday romance over a couple of trips with the kindest, sweetest, most caring man I’ve ever met. Despite this he wasn’t at all simpy, he was also very manly and I’ve never felt so looked after, it was such a breath of fresh air. I don’t think they make them like this in Blighty. We navigated the language barrier extremely well when we were together and I’ve not had so much fun in a long while. In-between trips his communication was top tier with absolutely no prompting or expectations from me. I came home wishing I could spend more time with him but obviously knowing it was done. I wondered if he would match his communication from the last time for a little while or if it would just fizzle straight out. Turns out he’s going with option no 3, message multiple times a day whilst also being unwilling to enter into an actual conversation. I’ve told him a couple of times it’s pointless wishing me good morning, afternoon, night etc every day if he doesn’t want to actually chat with me but it continues. I was putting it down to lost in translation but then I remember it wasn’t like this just a few weeks ago. So he’s either lazy but thinks he can keep me on side with high frequency low effort messages (for what reason I don’t know since he can’t just pop round when he’s bored) and/or he’s not playing with a full deck and I couldn’t tell because of the language barrier I’ve no doubt he’d still be the same wonderful man in person but sweet child of mine how hard is it to compute that he should stop messaging or be willing to have at least a brief back and forth if he does message. If someone told me he’d been commissioned by my mortal enemy to give me the rage it would make more sense than any theories I can come up with
I’ve no doubt he’d still be the same wonderful man in person but sweet child of mine how hard is it to compute that he should stop messaging or be willing to have at least a brief back and forth if he does message. If someone told me he’d been commissioned by my mortal enemy to give me the rage it would make more sense than any theories I can come up with
whathastheworldcometo
VIP Member
I’ve had an extended holiday romance over a couple of trips with the kindest, sweetest, most caring man I’ve ever met. Despite this he wasn’t at all simpy, he was also very manly and I’ve never felt so looked after, it was such a breath of fresh air. I don’t think they make them like this in Blighty. We navigated the language barrier extremely well when we were together and I’ve not had so much fun in a long while. In-between trips his communication was top tier with absolutely no prompting or expectations from me. I came home wishing I could spend more time with him but obviously knowing it was done. I wondered if he would match his communication from the last time for a little while or if it would just fizzle straight out. Turns out he’s going with option no 3, message multiple times a day whilst also being unwilling to enter into an actual conversation. I’ve told him a couple of times it’s pointless wishing me good morning, afternoon, night etc every day if he doesn’t want to actually chat with me but it continues. I was putting it down to lost in translation but then I remember it wasn’t like this just a few weeks ago. So he’s either lazy but thinks he can keep me on side with high frequency low effort messages (for what reason I don’t know since he can’t just pop round when he’s bored) and/or he’s not playing with a full deck and I couldn’t tell because of the language barrier
This is interesting.
Maybe it comes down to his values, and he feels that it would be wrong to cut contact completely and/or wants to maintain a connection, but finds it to difficult to communicate via text only when there is no other form of contact (maybe also due to the language barrier).
Or maybe he feels the pain of the separation, so wants to protect himself by putting up a barrier but cannot let go of the connection completely.
It is interesting! It’s also interesting to see your interpretation which is kinder than mine! I think frustration took over from kindness/rationalisation! Thank you for your reply.
I’ve given him many opportunities to cut contact without him being the instigator (thus not compromising his values) because I got so fed up of his one word, conversation ending replies that I just leave him on read now. If anything that encourages him to text again. I want to chat to him but you can’t do all the work on your own.
He definitely does want to maintain a connection but given the lack of effort I question the motive behind that now. In theory we can see each other again but that’s definitely not going to happen based on the current state of play. Like you, I did put it down to difficulty with texting specifically because of the language barrier but then I remember how it was the first time and it’s literally worlds apart. The first time he didn’t know I would be back to his country very soon but he was talking about wanting to see me next year if it was possible and was full of compliments. He was delighted when I then told him I’d be back so we could see each other again. If the messages had been how they are now I probably wouldn’t have told him I was coming back.
He does say he misses me but I now reply by telling him that I’ve had to put my barriers up because I found it painful to go from how we were to how we are now. He doesn’t seem willing or able to improve the communication though.
It’s the stark contrast that’s throwing me. This time around in isolation I’d be thinking that was nice while it lasted, the communication will fizzle out before long. Last time around he impressed me so much I couldn’t wait to see him again even though I’d come away thinking that would never be the case.
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If this style of communication isn't matching yours, or what you need, then cut him off. You don't sound very happy with the current state of play, so why carry on? Life is short!
whathastheworldcometo
VIP Member
I think another factor to consider is that emotionally it is always easier for the person that is leaving rather than the person staying behind.
On the other hand, you told him what you were looking for (more exchange beyond one-word phrases).
Maybe you could set up a FaceTime or Skype call and talk to him about it if you want to give him a chance to explain his feelings and to change his communication style.
Also, telling someone once might not be sufficient. A change management rule says that communication needs to be repeated seven times before it is fully understood, whilst this sounds extreme, it might be that just telling him once is not enough for him to understand your frustration.
al255
VIP Member
You weren't replying to me but I feel like this applies to me too
It's tricky too because I don't like to rush in to things either. It takes me a couple of weeks to feel comfortable enough to consider meeting someone. Definitely at that point I start getting restless though.
my general rule was 2 weeks MAX of talking if our schedules didn’t align, I’ve got a child so not always able to meet that weekend/short notice.
My bf we went on a date after 2 weeks of talking but we spoke on the phone and we only didn’t meet that first weekend was cos I had plans with my mates. He did ask me out though.
There's been times when I’ve spoke to men and there’s been a lot of whatsapping etc and it’s not gone anywhere after a week, after talking for a week you should be making plans to meet or else it’s just a pen pal situation!!
I’m sorry. How long were you seeing them?
As much as it hurts, the person you thought they were would not ghost. Sometimes you love someone who doesn’t exist, just a mirage.
It doesn’t make your feelings not real but it does mean that they are intending to hurt you and you should not give them any opportunity to do so anymore
Right so I've still been in regular contact with my ginger. Hadn't seen him since we split up until Saturday he invited me over. Lovely night, we had sex, I didn't stay. So that's all grand, been chatting away and not stressing. But omg girls tell me I'm not being insane but I just found out he's an anti vaxxer and it's given me mad ick
Daft prick x
Bonbon76
VIP Member
Thank you. Almost 12 months in a lovely, casual arrangement. I'm a dick. Such a cliché. Trying to hard not to torture myself over what I've done wrong.