Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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Hello

I’m just after a bit of advice here, not sure if it’s the right thread for this or not.

Basically me and my husband separated in August we had been together since we were 18 and only been married 2 years, the relationship was dire from the start of this year to be honest so it was only a matter of time. We both weren’t happy anymore but it was my husband who truly called it which at the time did hurt me. We have a young son together who he really doesn’t go out of his way for since the separation so I’ve seen a different side to him… anyway I thought I’d join the dating apps a few weeks ago just for some light entertainment and out of curiosity more than anything! Anyway I matched with a guy on bumble and we have just connected in so many ways, he has a young daughter who he adores and he asks more about me and my son then I’ve had from my husband in the past few years. We have so much in common and we actually met for a date just this week. The date went very well and it was no different to how we’ve been speaking over messages and FaceTime. Attraction is there too of course so it’s just ticking a lot of boxes. I’m finding myself so nervous about it all though, overthinking and questioning when I don’t need to. Is this something that will just become easier the more I see this guy? I really don’t want to stop speaking to him or seeing him because I do like him but I also don’t want it to be too much too soon either, I feel like it’s all in my mind. To clarify he is not pushy in the slightest about anything and is more than happy to go at my pace. I just feel like I need to shake myself! I want to explore this connection but need to let go of all this anxiety and overthinking about nothing. I suppose it’s normal to feel this way after a separation? I also haven’t been on the dating scene for 12 years!
 
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Gossipgirl993 said:
Hello

I’m just after a bit of advice here, not sure if it’s the right thread for this or not.

Basically me and my husband separated in August we had been together since we were 18 and only been married 2 years, the relationship was dire from the start of this year to be honest so it was only a matter of time. We both weren’t happy anymore but it was my husband who truly called it which at the time did hurt me. We have a young son together who he really doesn’t go out of his way for since the separation so I’ve seen a different side to him… anyway I thought I’d join the dating apps a few weeks ago just for some light entertainment and out of curiosity more than anything! Anyway I matched with a guy on bumble and we have just connected in so many ways, he has a young daughter who he adores and he asks more about me and my son then I’ve had from my husband in the past few years. We have so much in common and we actually met for a date just this week. The date went very well and it was no different to how we’ve been speaking over messages and FaceTime. Attraction is there too of course so it’s just ticking a lot of boxes. I’m finding myself so nervous about it all though, overthinking and questioning when I don’t need to. Is this something that will just become easier the more I see this guy? I really don’t want to stop speaking to him or seeing him because I do like him but I also don’t want it to be too much too soon either, I feel like it’s all in my mind. To clarify he is not pushy in the slightest about anything and is more than happy to go at my pace. I just feel like I need to shake myself! I want to explore this connection but need to let go of all this anxiety and overthinking about nothing. I suppose it’s normal to feel this way after a separation? I also haven’t been on the dating scene for 12 years!
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I was single for 3 years after I split from my Daughters dad, I went through a whole host of dating idiots (as we are aware of on previous threads🤣) and I FINALLY meet my current boyfriend who is amazing, kind and everything I need and I’m so lucky we are together…. Everything felt just right from our first date. I did overthink sooo much and even now I still do it from time to time but it gets easier. He still reassures me a lot over little things and when I’m having a bad anxiety day or overthinking, he is amazing. Give yourself some credit, you’re back in the whacky world of dating after 12 years!! Well done 🥰 you’re bound to feel anxious and a whole heap of other emotions as it’s going from someone who you know, who you’re comfortable around etc to someone who is still a stranger as such. Trust the process and trust your gut 😊
 
Gossipgirl993 said:
Hello

I’m just after a bit of advice here, not sure if it’s the right thread for this or not.

Basically me and my husband separated in August we had been together since we were 18 and only been married 2 years, the relationship was dire from the start of this year to be honest so it was only a matter of time. We both weren’t happy anymore but it was my husband who truly called it which at the time did hurt me. We have a young son together who he really doesn’t go out of his way for since the separation so I’ve seen a different side to him… anyway I thought I’d join the dating apps a few weeks ago just for some light entertainment and out of curiosity more than anything! Anyway I matched with a guy on bumble and we have just connected in so many ways, he has a young daughter who he adores and he asks more about me and my son then I’ve had from my husband in the past few years. We have so much in common and we actually met for a date just this week. The date went very well and it was no different to how we’ve been speaking over messages and FaceTime. Attraction is there too of course so it’s just ticking a lot of boxes. I’m finding myself so nervous about it all though, overthinking and questioning when I don’t need to. Is this something that will just become easier the more I see this guy? I really don’t want to stop speaking to him or seeing him because I do like him but I also don’t want it to be too much too soon either, I feel like it’s all in my mind. To clarify he is not pushy in the slightest about anything and is more than happy to go at my pace. I just feel like I need to shake myself! I want to explore this connection but need to let go of all this anxiety and overthinking about nothing. I suppose it’s normal to feel this way after a separation? I also haven’t been on the dating scene for 12 years!
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Agree with @al255. It's coming up to 3 months with my guy and the only thing I can do is to let things happen! There's no amount of waiting or healing that'll prepare you for the real thing.

You will have anxieties but try not to unfairly put that on the person you're seeing, which is easier said than done.

From my own experience so far, it doesn't get easier but you sort of learn to shut that doubtful voice up every time the person you're seeing proves your anxieties wrong.

Try to enjoy it, if you feel comfortable letting him know you have these anxieties then do that, but just take everything as it is and don't let that annoying voice of doubt ruin things. 🧡
 
al255 said:
@EddyDarling how are you doing?! Any more updates from Mr Tinder? X
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He's paid up for another couple of months the absolute scoundrel. I mentioned that my daughter wanted a backpack like Wednesday's Addams (netflix series wednesday) and he's bought it for her. He doesn't want me to say it's from him either so he didn't do it for the glory. Actually he also does all of the initiating etc now. I didn't realise all it would take is mentally dumping him for him to see the light. I literally leave him on read for days now. It's like he's the chick and I'm the dude.
 
I’ll just leave this here. The passive agression, the push/pull of asking to see me then messing me around, then insulting me. I’ve not even kissed this guy- I’m done 🙈
 

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I’m going to go one step further and say that I feel ghosting in this situation is appropriate. This man has pursued me to meet and I really wasn’t all that fussed about him, but when he asked me to go to dinner on Sunday lunch I started to warm to him, and I swapped my shift do I didn’t have to rush back for work Sunday night. I was opening up to giving him a chance. To then act flippant as if now I’m just an option and he’s made better plans that mean he will be hungover Sunday…nah.first message is the last message in the screenshot- I haven’t replied nor will I. Let that be as frustrating as if probably is I owe him
Nothing 😃 I don’t want to get involved with someone who has a push/ pull side to them it’s the worst type of behaviour for my mental heslth
 

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freezelouise43 said:
I’m going to go one step further and say that I feel ghosting in this situation is appropriate. This man has pursued me to meet and I really wasn’t all that fussed about him, but when he asked me to go to dinner on Sunday lunch I started to warm to him, and I swapped my shift do I didn’t have to rush back for work Sunday night. I was opening up to giving him a chance. To then act flippant as if now I’m just an option and he’s made better plans that mean he will be hungover Sunday…nah.first message is the last message in the screenshot- I haven’t replied nor will I. Let that be as frustrating as if probably is I owe him
Nothing 😃 I don’t want to get involved with someone who has a push/ pull side to them it’s the worst type of behaviour for my mental heslth
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I agree with you!! Why would anyone go on a first meet when they’re hungover, he strikes me as the type to only message at 4am when he wants a shag 🤣
 
freezelouise43 said:
Yes! It’s a second date but still 200% yes!!! He’s texted and texted and I was starting to think he might be ok and was looking forward to Sunday….hes spoilt that now and I’ll be cancelling my shift swap xx
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Ooohhhhh! Sorry must’ve missed that part 🤣 even though I think he’s a “text you at 4am” kinda guy, maybe he didn’t think fully about his message and it came out the wrong way .. as in worst case scenario if he’s really hungover you can go for dinner rather than lunch .. but even so … turning up to a date hungover? No thanks! I once went on a first date with someone who was hungover and it was awful, I left after an hour cos the chat was rubbish and he made 0 effort
 
al255 said:
Ooohhhhh! Sorry must’ve missed that part 🤣 even though I think he’s a “text you at 4am” kinda guy, maybe he didn’t think fully about his message and it came out the wrong way .. as in worst case scenario if he’s really hungover you can go for dinner rather than lunch .. but even so … turning up to a date hungover? No thanks! I once went on a first date with someone who was hungover and it was awful, I left after an hour cos the chat was rubbish and he made 0 effort
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Yes I kind of feel like he’s subtly trying to hurt me by letting me know I’m not a priority? Originally we had plans sat night and he said he was doing something with his friends instead so settled on Sunday, so then he starts messing me around over Sunday too. It’s weird it just seems to be an aspect of his personality that’s crept in? Disappointed because my FWB used to flake on my all the time and I’ve got a bit of anxiety over people letting me down…
 
freezelouise43 said:
I’m going to go one step further and say that I feel ghosting in this situation is appropriate. This man has pursued me to meet and I really wasn’t all that fussed about him, but when he asked me to go to dinner on Sunday lunch I started to warm to him, and I swapped my shift do I didn’t have to rush back for work Sunday night. I was opening up to giving him a chance. To then act flippant as if now I’m just an option and he’s made better plans that mean he will be hungover Sunday…nah.first message is the last message in the screenshot- I haven’t replied nor will I. Let that be as frustrating as if probably is I owe him
Nothing 😃 I don’t want to get involved with someone who has a push/ pull side to them it’s the worst type of behaviour for my mental heslth
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Honestly you've done the right thing walking away! If this is his best behavior, it isn't good enough.
 
Thank(space)you said:
Honestly you've done the right thing walking away! If this is his best behavior, it isn't good enough.
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Yes! Who wouldn’t have read those messages and been insulted 😂😂like you pursued me? You text me all day every day ? Not the other way round…I tried to keep my responses short now he’s getting left on read, permanently xx
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better than saying nothing (which implies I’m hurt) or blocking (which implies I’m angry) this is my final word on the matter 😃
 

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freezelouise43 said:
Yes! Who wouldn’t have read those messages and been insulted 😂😂like you pursued me? You text me all day every day ? Not the other way round…I tried to keep my responses short now he’s getting left on read, permanently xx
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better than saying nothing (which implies I’m hurt) or blocking (which implies I’m angry) this is my final word on the matter 😃
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You could've cropped out his name and pic from your screenshots
 
Bianca Del Rio said:
@freezelouise43 Oh this is all kinds of nope. I can see from an absolute mile away that if the date stayed in the diary for Sunday, he would either go silent from Saturday onwards or cancel on you an hour before. Delete, archive, thank you next. 🗑🙅🏻‍♀️
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Exactly! It’s very sad being this flaky! I don’t know where men get the confidence to behave like this 😂😂 it was very easy to tell him I don’t care because as I mentioned I wasn’t that keen to begin with, more rudeness than anything else- he’s not even good looking but then it’s always the less attractive ones xx
 
D2them said:
I'm sure you'd see it differently if the shoe was on the other foot. He seems relatively harmless in the grand scheme of things
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Harmless yes, but not a good standard of man, or one I’m willing to settle for, as other posters have said. I don’t mess people around to be fair and always treat people with kindness so I’d have no problem with anything I say in any message, being shared
 
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