Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

[Thank(space)you]

I have been tempted to go back on the apps but deep down I know 1/ there's nothing new on there and 2/ (most importantly) i know I'd be going on there for the wrong reasons ie because I feel sad/lonely/old/desperate/unattractive


That being said, I genuinely let out a squeal of excitement when I got home from work today, knowing I can eat what I want watch what I want lounge around in my nice clean home with no man to entertain or look good for nobody's feelings to consider but mine (child's at their dads)

 

[Stimpii]

I wonder how many men are sitting on male dominated forums asking how to find a gf and getting told to work on themselves Why is it down to us to stay busy, make plans, see friends, join a running club, find a new hobby etc? If I hear of one more person who comes out of a long term relationship and within 3 months is in another, I will scream.
On another note… is 16 years too big an age gap with me being older?!? I met someone the other night in the wild. Swapped numbers and got roped into a date. It went well and he seems keen and cute. But part of me feels like I’m a p@edo

Nope I don’t think it is. How old is he? I’ve always gone for younger men.

The last guy I slept with is 13 years younger than me. He likes older women, I like younger men so

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

@holliebollie I’d say it depends on how old he actually is, and what you’re looking for from him. In my experience, younger men won’t necessarily be looking for commitment and some almost fetishise an age gap. Then again, there are men out here in their 40s with “Figuring out my dating goals” in their bio, so clearly that’s something that never improves.

I’d approach with very low expectations (as with everything where there’s a man involved ) and see what happens.

 

[Lalla]

I wonder how many men are sitting on male dominated forums asking how to find a gf and getting told to work on themselves Why is it down to us to stay busy, make plans, see friends, join a running club, find a new hobby etc? If I hear of one more person who comes out of a long term relationship and within 3 months is in another, I will scream.
On another note… is 16 years too big an age gap with me being older?!? I met someone the other night in the wild. Swapped numbers and got roped into a date. It went well and he seems keen and cute. But part of me feels like I’m a p@edo

I couldn't agree more with the first part of your message. Men just tell themselves and each other that it's all 'fussy women' being at fault. There's never any thought of personal responsibility even though I think generally men put far less (ie almost no) effort into dating apps. All those men with 1 photo, or no bio. Yet we're expected to have a whole range of photos and lots of witty anecdotes

I don't think a 16 year age gap is necessarily a dealbreaker, unless you're under 35 that is At 52, I find men my own age all look 60+, so if and when I start dating again I would definitely go younger. I think the only caveat with younger men is that you may be at different life stages, which if you're looking for long term may mean your needs don't align. But if this is more a short term fling then I see no harm. Better that than someone 16 years older (I dated men 20 plus years older when I was in my early 20s, and look back now at what a waste of my youth that was!)

 

[holliebollie]

I’m 39, he’s 23! But to be fair he seems like an old 23 (I had a toddler by his age) and I don’t think I’m an old 39. Couldn’t see it going anywhere long term purely on age but you never know. Just don’t think I could ever tell anyone, or maybe I could tell them he’s a bit older?! I find men my age or older are all just so bloody unattractive, I genuinely feel asexual a lot of the time as no one floats my boat Maybe I’ve been missing out on younger men?!

 

[whoareyouu]

I wonder how many men are sitting on male dominated forums asking how to find a gf and getting told to work on themselves Why is it down to us to stay busy, make plans, see friends, join a running club, find a new hobby etc? If I hear of one more person who comes out of a long term relationship and within 3 months is in another, I will scream.
On another note… is 16 years too big an age gap with me being older?!? I met someone the other night in the wild. Swapped numbers and got roped into a date. It went well and he seems keen and cute. But part of me feels like I’m a p@edo

Men big each other up and tell each other they’ve got more to offer than they actually do.

The age gap, if you’re 32 and them 16 it would be a bit weird but say 46 and 30…not so much!

 

[Lalla]

I would just see how it goes in that case - I had a bit of a flirtation when I was in my late 30s with an early 20s guy, it never went anywhere (because I found out he was the older brother of a friend of my then 10 year old son which was just far too awkward a situation ever to contemplate!) but that experience told me definitely not to rule out younger men. Just to make sure they're not in any way connected to my kids!

 

[whoareyouu]

I’m 39, he’s 23! But to be fair he seems like an old 23 (I had a toddler by his age) and I don’t think I’m an old 39. Couldn’t see it going anywhere long term purely on age but you never know. Just don’t think I could ever tell anyone, or maybe I could tell them he’s a bit older?! I find men my age or older are all just so bloody unattractive, I genuinely feel asexual a lot of the time as no one floats my boat Maybe I’ve been missing out on younger men?!

I know of quite a few ladies who have married men younger than them. I am sure my brothers friend was 30 and his partner is nearer to 50. It seems to work!

 

[Stimpii]

I’m 39, he’s 23! But to be fair he seems like an old 23 (I had a toddler by his age) and I don’t think I’m an old 39. Couldn’t see it going anywhere long term purely on age but you never know. Just don’t think I could ever tell anyone, or maybe I could tell them he’s a bit older?! I find men my age or older are all just so bloody unattractive, I genuinely feel asexual a lot of the time as no one floats my boat Maybe I’ve been missing out on younger men?!

Mine is definitely just a fling/fwb situation but that’s fine with me atm.

I’d go for it and just see where it goes. But still be a bit cautious.

 

[holliebollie]

Thanks everyone. I’m under no illusion he’ll be a husband or anything but I’m not sure I can be bothered with a FWB. I feel less weird anyway so thank you He’s asked to see me again on my next available night and texts back within minutes (a rarity). He definitely seems keen… whether it’s a fetish for someone older or he isn’t jaded by dating yet, who knows

 

[EddyDarling]

How bizarre to assume you know someone's working patterns because they declined a date
His next message is "think I'm being lied to "
I actually say I work in banking as well......

 

[PunkyMonkey]

I think in 2024 it is yeah. I actually feel done with looking for one now, I'm going to go on dates with men but it's very much on a no commitment basis. I'm telling myself off for being sexist already but I really do not feel men deserve commitment anymore. I date women as well but typical bisexual as I am, I never come across quite gay enough for other women to think I'm doing anything other than being nice so I really struggle

I would love to go on a date with you, you sound awesome! Have you tried any of the apps for women? On Bumble I think my male/female profiles are about a hundred to one, i was really surprised, either I'm doing something wrong or the women are smart enough to not be on there.
---

I’m 39, he’s 23! But to be fair he seems like an old 23 (I had a toddler by his age) and I don’t think I’m an old 39. Couldn’t see it going anywhere long term purely on age but you never know. Just don’t think I could ever tell anyone, or maybe I could tell them he’s a bit older?! I find men my age or older are all just so bloody unattractive, I genuinely feel asexual a lot of the time as no one floats my boat Maybe I’ve been missing out on younger men?!

FWIW my sister had a fantastic time dating a couple of men that sort of age for a while, roughly the same age gap as well, they thought she was absolutely incredible. It was an all round win and I like to think she helped steer them into being "better" for future relationships (not physically, although no doubt, ha, but emotionally).

 

[EddyDarling]

I would love to go on a date with you, you sound awesome! Have you tried any of the apps for women? On Bumble I think my male/female profiles are about a hundred to one, i was really surprised, either I'm doing something wrong or the women are smart enough to not be on there.
--

Thank you punky
I haven't no, maybe I should! My bumble and tinder experiences, like you, aren't great. I switch to women occasionally and the profiles are very geared towards men.

 

[PunkyMonkey]

Thank you punky
I haven't no, maybe I should! My bumble and tinder experiences, like you, aren't great. I switch to women occasionally and the profiles are very geared towards men.

Apparently Her is quite good, and I think Zoe has had a few mentions from friends, I've always met women in "real life" but it comes with that weird social awkwardness of trying to work out if someone is a) that way inclined then b) into you

 

[tomato_paste]

Apparently Her is quite good, and I think Zoe has had a few mentions from friends, I've always met women in "real life" but it comes with that weird social awkwardness of trying to work out if someone is a) that way inclined then b) into you

Well Lesbians dating and moving in together and doing coupley things without realising they've been dating isn't a stereotype for nothing...

 

[Loompy]

Gals and pals, I'm a very long time lurker and first time poster! Looking for some advice... (AIATA Reddit style )...

Met a lovely guy a year ago. Generally a very lovely healthy relationship, we're both in our 40s. He's been married before I've not, but had 2 long term relationships across my 20s / 30s.

His marriage ended pre lockkdown because they wanted different things, and he seems mostly to have dealt with, but has made a few uncool comments about the ex... a joke about her after sex once, a bit of resentment that she'd already remarried. Over summer we started conversations about the future, and he's expressed that he'd like to move home (new zealand) - something I'm reluctant to commit to as I've never been / distance from my life here. He drunkenly let slip that him and the ex wife planned to make the move the year before she ended the marriage. I had a lots of feelings about being subbed into his plans with her. We spoke about it ans worked through it and got to a good place.

All was going well until today, he's going back to NZ for Christmas for a few weeks and had our Christmas today. We spoke about an engagement, and how it was something we both wanted. He mentioned that in addition to my engagement ring (I'd want something antique and not necessarily a diamond), there is a diamond he'd give to me that was his grandma's. But had spent some time with his ex wife - didnt actually think to ask if it was the engagement ring, or just something that he wanted her to have.

I lost my cool a little over it. He didn't seem to understand why. Even though he seems to have already discussed it with the girls from work, which he let slip, and they predicted my reaction.

I'd really welcome thoughts, opinions, challenges on this because right now I'm feel like he's totally living with ghosts and trying to live out his narrative, just with me instead of her. Help!

 

[SheMyBestie]

Just want to say Merry Christmas everyone

So, a ex-parent from the nursery I worked at has slid into my dms. He added me on Facebook. And has messaged me wanting to get to know me. We’ve been chatting for a few weeks and are going to meet up in the new year. He’s not who I would normally go for, but he seems like a good guy the only thing is I still have feelings for my ex

 

[blueblue]

Gals and pals, I'm a very long time lurker and first time poster! Looking for some advice... (AIATA Reddit style )...

Met a lovely guy a year ago. Generally a very lovely healthy relationship, we're both in our 40s. He's been married before I've not, but had 2 long term relationships across my 20s / 30s.

His marriage ended pre lockkdown because they wanted different things, and he seems mostly to have dealt with, but has made a few uncool comments about the ex... a joke about her after sex once, a bit of resentment that she'd already remarried. Over summer we started conversations about the future, and he's expressed that he'd like to move home (new zealand) - something I'm reluctant to commit to as I've never been / distance from my life here. He drunkenly let slip that him and the ex wife planned to make the move the year before she ended the marriage. I had a lots of feelings about being subbed into his plans with her. We spoke about it ans worked through it and got to a good place.

All was going well until today, he's going back to NZ for Christmas for a few weeks and had our Christmas today. We spoke about an engagement, and how it was something we both wanted. He mentioned that in addition to my engagement ring (I'd want something antique and not necessarily a diamond), there is a diamond he'd give to me that was his grandma's. But had spent some time with his ex wife - didnt actually think to ask if it was the engagement ring, or just something that he wanted her to have.

I lost my cool a little over it. He didn't seem to understand why. Even though he seems to have already discussed it with the girls from work, which he let slip, and they predicted my reaction.

I'd really welcome thoughts, opinions, challenges on this because right now I'm feel like he's totally living with ghosts and trying to live out his narrative, just with me instead of her. Help!

It sounds like he sees himself living in nz eventually. And you don't. X

 

[IGiveUp22]

@Loompy I would be pissed off by this and also thinking the same thing if I’m honest. I get it, everyone has a past and you’re never going to get away from that and there will likely always be things that your partner planned/wanted to do with their ex…I think the annoying thing about your situation is that it’s come up more than once and also this latest thing is quite big and yes, it does come across that this is his plan/life and you’re expected to just slip into her place.

Having said all of that, if he’s always wanted to move back to NZ then that’s nothing to do with his ex. Yes the plan might have been for them to go together, but ultimately, this sounds like this is/has always been his end goal. If you’re not prepared/up for that, I think that’s potentially a larger issue in the relationship.

 

[Loompy]

@Loompy I would be pissed off by this and also thinking the same thing if I’m honest. I get it, everyone has a past and you’re never going to get away from that and there will likely always be things that your partner planned/wanted to do with their ex…I think the annoying thing about your situation is that it’s come up more than once and also this latest thing is quite big and yes, it does come across that this is his plan/life and you’re expected to just slip into her place.

Having said all of that, if he’s always wanted to move back to NZ then that’s nothing to do with his ex. Yes the plan might have been for them to go together, but ultimately, this sounds like this is/has always been his end goal. If you’re not prepared/up for that, I think that’s potentially a larger issue in the relationship.

Thank you @IGiveUp22 - I needed to hear that. NZ itself isn't a problem, i think it could be cool - but once I've been and seen it, met his family etc. The rest of it is a headache.

I think I just needed the assurance that I haven't kicked off prematurely/ over nothing.