Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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Thank(space)you said:
Well I'm back from the date. I'd asked him about his worst date but it was actually his behaviour on it I found worse than the person on the date (she turned up drunk, was mean to him, he threw her food at her in the restaurant and walked out, leaving her to pay and leaving her stranded there) (he had picked her up, she's from a different town)

He seemed very judgemental towards people who drink alcohol, which I do do.

He mentioned he can't have kids, I do want more should I be so lucky. And he also mentioned he'd put his boss in a chokehold once 😳

Apart from that he was very attractive and seemed nice enough but I can't say I'm excited at the thought of seeing him again.
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I can't believe he admitted all that and you still called him attractive and said he seemed nice enough
 
I am not planning to see him again, even I am not that hopeless to not see the glaring red flags there.

He said the chokehold thing was them messing around but idk, talking about being violent (& offering to show me a chokehold) is just unsettling to me

ETA with regards to the end of my post where I said "I'm not excited at the thought of seeing him again" - I guess I was more thinking out loud and not being clear.

He's asked to see me again, and I felt hopeless and awkward so said I'd have to see when I was avaliable, but I'm gonna send him a message saying he's not for me & then block him on everything
 
Thank(space)you said:
I am not planning to see him again, even I am not that hopeless to not see the glaring red flags there.

He said the chokehold thing was them messing around but idk, talking about being violent (& offering to show me a chokehold) is just unsettling to me

ETA with regards to the end of my post where I said "I'm not excited at the thought of seeing him again" - I guess I was more thinking out loud and not being clear.

He's asked to see me again, and I felt hopeless and awkward so said I'd have to see when I was avaliable, but I'm gonna send him a message saying he's not for me & then block him on everything
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Yeah the chokehold thing would be a hard no from me.

Meant to be out for dinner on a first date this evening. He had a family birthday this afternoon but said he wouldn't be hanging around long and he'd text me when he was done and we'd arrange a time for dinner, we'd already agreed on the place. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking I'd hear from him and got a shower and started getting ready. But it's now 6pm and still nothing? Even if he texts me now I'm not sure we'd get a table where we planned, and idk I just think it's far too late to be leaving it to make plans. So either I've been ghosted or he's gonna text later and that's just not working for me, I assumed he'd been in touch 3/4ish but he's not been online since 12.30.

It's incredibly irritating when I get childcare then end up sat at home alone.
 
Rach472 said:
Yeah the chokehold thing would be a hard no from me.

Meant to be out for dinner on a first date this evening. He had a family birthday this afternoon but said he wouldn't be hanging around long and he'd text me when he was done and we'd arrange a time for dinner, we'd already agreed on the place. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking I'd hear from him and got a shower and started getting ready. But it's now 6pm and still nothing? Even if he texts me now I'm not sure we'd get a table where we planned, and idk I just think it's far too late to be leaving it to make plans. So either I've been ghosted or he's gonna text later and that's just not working for me, I assumed he'd been in touch 3/4ish but he's not been online since 12.30.

It's incredibly irritating when I get childcare then end up sat at home alone.
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That’s incredibly annoying. Especially when you’ve got childcare. Surely he could have known what time he was planning to leave.

Have you got any friends who would be available for a last minute dinner/night out? Then if he texts I’d be like ‘too late now, I’ve made other plans’
 
Well that was an absolutely lovely evening. Found him really attractive, he's smart, good job, 1 daughter who he's v involved with. He was really smartly dressed which was a lovely change to the scruff buckets I usually end up with. We were still in the restaurant when the started turning off lights. He was driving so he gave me a lift home and came in for coffee and met all my animals, I have 7 cats and 1 dog which seems a bit mad to some people but he has 8 dogs so was used to a bit of mayhem. We had a good snog on the sofa then on the doorstep for ages before he left about 15 mins ago saying how much he couldn't wait to see me again. God it really was lovely, he seems to be a grown up!
 
Rach472 said:
Well that was an absolutely lovely evening. Found him really attractive, he's smart, good job, 1 daughter who he's v involved with. He was really smartly dressed which was a lovely change to the scruff buckets I usually end up with. We were still in the restaurant when the started turning off lights. He was driving so he gave me a lift home and came in for coffee and met all my animals, I have 7 cats and 1 dog which seems a bit mad to some people but he has 8 dogs so was used to a bit of mayhem. We had a good snog on the sofa then on the doorstep for ages before he left about 15 mins ago saying how much he couldn't wait to see me again. God it really was lovely, he seems to be a grown up!
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Yas queen. Love this for you. And a guy with 8 dogs is a green green green flag!
 
Bonbon76 said:
Thank you everyone for being so lovely. I really do think there's someone else. Trying not to torture myself about her being slimmer/younger/prettier etc. I know I'll come out of this in the end.

It really is a lesson that you never believe this person could do it to you. YOUR person. Who seemed lovely, mature, able to communicate etc. How is this the best way for anyone?
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Frame it this way: there is always, in the world, someone who is x-quality more than you. And everyone ages. The point is building a relationship - which is full of history and bonding and valuing that. The type of person looking to upgrade isn't the one who holds your hand during chemo, supports you through bereavement, carries the household if someone loses their job.

Without seeming mean, was he really your person if it was casual? I can't tell if you are saying he cheated/against a rule set out

But I get the disappointment someone isn't what you thought. Someone I really thought I loved turned out to be a abusive (emotionally, physically) cheating alcoholic, and in the final breakdown had no qualms in threatening me/smashing my flat up/lying to my face with actual evidence of cheating. Brutal to realise, but he probably never cared. But I also know he will treat every woman like that (he enjoys lying and abusing women). And the 'other woman' was very much a downgrade because he couldn't handle a partner with anything he was insecure about (better job, strong family etc) instead of not competing within a relationship
 
smartalec said:
Frame it this way: there is always, in the world, someone who is x-quality more than you. And everyone ages. The point is building a relationship - which is full of history and bonding and valuing that. The type of person looking to upgrade isn't the one who holds your hand during chemo, supports you through bereavement, carries the household if someone loses their job.

Without seeming mean, was he really your person if it was casual? I can't tell if you are saying he cheated/against a rule set out

But I get the disappointment someone isn't what you thought. Someone I really thought I loved turned out to be a abusive (emotionally, physically) cheating alcoholic, and in the final breakdown had no qualms in threatening me/smashing my flat up/lying to my face with actual evidence of cheating. Brutal to realise, but he probably never cared. But I also know he will treat every woman like that (he enjoys lying and abusing women). And the 'other woman' was very much a downgrade because he couldn't handle a partner with anything he was insecure about (better job, strong family etc) instead of not competing within a relationship
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Thank you. It was never meant to be anything serious, neither of us are in the position for that. I'm not sure that helps now though as he clearly couldn't even make the effort for that low effort arrangement. Not for me anyway. I don't know that he is seeing someone else, that's what my spidey senses are telling me. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me, I don't feel too logical right now!

I'm so sorry that happened to you.
 
Bonbon76 said:
Thank you. It was never meant to be anything serious, neither of us are in the position for that. I'm not sure that helps now though as he clearly couldn't even make the effort for that low effort arrangement. Not for me anyway. I don't know that he is seeing someone else, that's what my spidey senses are telling me. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me, I don't feel too logical right now!

I'm so sorry that happened to you.
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Another frame is: this man doesn't communicate, this doesn't meet my needs. You are choosing better.

Don't gaslight yourself! Trust your feelings and your instincts, it is how to guard against escalating hurt.

Maybe if you caught feelings a bit you might want to examine whether you do want something more in general, and what might be in the way (internally/externally).
 
I just want to send one tiny message, just one little message. I don't know how else to make myself feel better. Even if he tells me he wants nothing to do with me anymore, at least I'll know.
 
Bonbon76 said:
I just want to send one tiny message, just one little message. I don't know how else to make myself feel better. Even if he tells me he wants nothing to do with me anymore, at least I'll know.
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don’t do it. i know you WANT to (as someone who has actually sent that tiny message myself on more than one occasion) but you won’t get the answer you want and it will only cause more upset. as said above, he’s already shown you and already answered you. it won’t make you feel better 💙
 
LaBlonde said:
don’t do it. i know you WANT to (as someone who has actually sent that tiny message myself on more than one occasion) but you won’t get the answer you want and it will only cause more upset. as said above, he’s already shown you and already answered you. it won’t make you feel better 💙
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Totally agree with this. I never know when to stop sending messages and the feeling after you press send is awful.
 
Bonbon76 said:
I just want to send one tiny message, just one little message. I don't know how else to make myself feel better. Even if he tells me he wants nothing to do with me anymore, at least I'll know.
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He’s already ghosted you once, why give him the opportunity to do it again? Take your power back and never message him again.

As the saying goes “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”
 
Bonbon76 said:
I just want to send one tiny message, just one little message. I don't know how else to make myself feel better. Even if he tells me he wants nothing to do with me anymore, at least I'll know.
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Agree with everyone above. There is unlikely to be something which gets an explanation. He might do it when it suits him but he has shown you what he is.

This might seem cruel but… You know men who do this sometimes - not always - but sometimes _enjoy_ those sad desperate messages. They show them to their friends and laugh. They get a little ego boost then move on.
 
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