Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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freezelouise43 said:
I feel every single thing you’ve said, I’m childless in my 40s and although I hold my head up and crack on I’m so hurt that I’ve given so much of my self and got zero in return . I feel so angry that I got taken for a fool and owed £400 by a man who probably would spend that on someone else. My friends are off busy living their lives and it’s just me and my little dog (who I adore) every man I’ve got talking to just ends up ghosting me. I feel so utterly forgettable and invisible like I walk through life unoticed. Sending you a massive hug and festive love xx
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Sorry you feel this way too....
Sending love and hugs back.
It’s like I look around me and everybody has somebody. I wonder what those quiet coupley moments are like, I wonder how they proposed. (I work in a Male environment). I imagine what it must be like. I go home. I drive down my street and look at all the happy people in their homes and think I wonder how they felt when they got the keys to their own place, being carried over the threshold, choosing furniture and paint colours and dreams of filling rooms with babies...
I’m depressing myself now but yeah, sometimes that internal voice is louder than other times and I’m not sure if it’s the time of year but I’m massively triggered at the moment.

What dog do you have? I’d love a dog but don’t think it’s ideal at the moment for me but maybe in the future when work is better (I work long weird shifts)

Seek comfort in that you are a good person. Is this the guy who you went to the hotel with and he didn’t pay? And earns tit ton of money? What is with these men?
FWB is in a very good salary. I’m not. I had to buy my own morning after pill (and I didn’t have a lot of spare cash) he wouldn’t pay for it. Men are pigs x
 
Good Egg said:
I’m depressing myself now but yeah, sometimes that internal voice is louder than other times and I’m not sure if it’s the time of year but I’m massively triggered at the moment.
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So I was watching a kids movie on netflix with my child & in the film they had this great voice over bit which said (and I'm paraphrasing) that Xmas time is like a magnifying glass for emotions. It amplifies them. If you're already feeling happy and loved you'll feel it even more so. If you're feeling sad and lonely you'll feel those feelings in abundance.

I thought it was very apt
 
Loves, I mean this with nothing but good intention and respect, but being in a relationship will not make you feel better about anything you’re describing. It took me a really long time to realise that. I was single for years and then last year I was feeling all the things you are describing and I thought “right ok, take a chance and maybe things will be better”. So I did, I made a move on someone I’ve known a long time and we started dating. He moved things along very quickly which made me uncomfortable but I said nothing because I wanted it to work so much. Three months in I had a complete and utter breakdown, it was really bad and I realised that forcing myself into a relationship was causing me more stress, so I ended it. Since then I have spent all my time getting myself into a good place, and I can honestly look back now and say that I was not happy in myself so the relationship was never going to work out. Do the things that make you happy and bring you joy, the rest will work itself out. But you are enough on your own please believe that x
 
A good relationship can kind of make things feel better, certainly in my experience. I don't know that working on yourself (which of course is important in a self improvement sense) is the key to meeting someone, or vice versa, because I can list many people who got into relationships (that they are still in) when they were at very low points in their lives. Conversely I've got a friend who has been single for 20 years despite being always very positive and outgoing.

I've had tit relationships which were no better than being single and frankly added nothing positive to my life, I was actually happier without them. I adored my Ex though, and had some of the happiest times in my life with him. I never had anyone I could rely on before him, someone who cared for, cared about me. It was like I'd spent years holding my breath and I could finally let go. I enjoyed feeling romantic love for and from him, I've not had much of that in my life and possibly won't again.

I think most of us here are at peace with our lives as they are at present and making the best of our situations, I know I am, hence I'm not actively trying to meet anyone. However I too can't help wonder how it's so easy for some people and not others, how they met their person at 18, or 21 or 25 and that's it, lifelong relationship - or for others how they bounce from one relationship or marriage to another with barely a gap?

I've asked myself many times what they have that I don't, and I still don't know. Luck plays a part, as does what you're looking for/ are prepared to tolerate, but I don't think there is an answer as such.
 
I feel everything everyone of you have said above ❤️

But... let's remember, no matter what we think others have, for many, it's all a lie or they have awful partners and wish they were single.

I look back on this year and the men I've met and they've all been toads!

Scottish man - girlfriend and kids
Manchester man - girlfriend and kids
Work guy - married and now think's he's gay. Left me in an anxious mess and it's so peaceful now to not have those feelings.
Other work guy - pretty certain he has a girlfriend

I'm sure I wasn't the first person these men played away with and won't be the last yet they're all probably playing happy families. Staying single is the best thing we could probably do!
 
Good Egg said:
Sorry you feel this way too....
Sending love and hugs back.
It’s like I look around me and everybody has somebody. I wonder what those quiet coupley moments are like, I wonder how they proposed. (I work in a Male environment). I imagine what it must be like. I go home. I drive down my street and look at all the happy people in their homes and think I wonder how they felt when they got the keys to their own place, being carried over the threshold, choosing furniture and paint colours and dreams of filling rooms with babies...
I’m depressing myself now but yeah, sometimes that internal voice is louder than other times and I’m not sure if it’s the time of year but I’m massively triggered at the moment.

What dog do you have? I’d love a dog but don’t think it’s ideal at the moment for me but maybe in the future when work is better (I work long weird shifts)

Seek comfort in that you are a good person. Is this the guy who you went to the hotel with and he didn’t pay? And earns tit ton of money? What is with these men?
FWB is in a very good salary. I’m not. I had to buy my own morning after pill (and I didn’t have a lot of spare cash) he wouldn’t pay for it. Men are pigs x
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Thank you, and you are a very good person to take the time to write such a lovely post 😘
It’s weird isn’t it, I can’t imagine what it must be like to sleep next to a person every night, or have a taxi ride home after a night out that wasn’t alone. Where did all the years go to? How did we arrive here? If you’re anything like me you’ll have wondered that, and known that you never turned down anyone amazing- so where is our person? I’m so sorry you’ve been in a very similar position to me…it’s so so tit isn’t it? I keep thinking about all the Christmas presents he’s probably buying for family abc not one seconds thought about doing the decent thing and paying me back…they are indeed pigs!
I have a little Pomeranian, she’s a ball of drama and emotion so we have something in common! Xx
 
Please don’t get me wrong, my life is happy and fulfilled. I do lots of things, hobbies, I started a course at college. It just feels like a missing piece.

Don’t get me started on married men. I’ve had offers there too... it does make you think wow! Toads indeed
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freezelouise43 said:
Thank you, and you are a very good person to take the time to write such a lovely post 😘
It’s weird isn’t it, I can’t imagine what it must be like to sleep next to a person every night, or have a taxi ride home after a night out that wasn’t alone. Where did all the years go to? How did we arrive here? If you’re anything like me you’ll have wondered that, and known that you never turned down anyone amazing- so where is our person? I’m so sorry you’ve been in a very similar position to me…it’s so so tit isn’t it? I keep thinking about all the Christmas presents he’s probably buying for family abc not one seconds thought about doing the decent thing and paying me back…they are indeed pigs!
I have a little Pomeranian, she’s a ball of drama and emotion so we have something in common! Xx
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Awww a little Pom - so cute 🥰

I think you should treat yourself to something special for Christmas. I’m going to.

That’s another thing. I feel like I wasted my ‘prime’ my 30’s I spent raising my child and didn’t date at all. I was celibate. I do worry those days are behind me and I’m getting older and losing my way... 😬

But I know I’ve still got it, I have transferable skills from FWB guy 😉. I’m certain if the right person came along I’d be able to upskill IYKWIM.

I do have things to be happy about. Hopefully we will both find our missing piece.
 
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Good Egg said:
Please don’t get me wrong, my life is happy and fulfilled. I do lots of things, hobbies, I started a course at college. It just feels like a missing piece.

Don’t get me started on married men. I’ve had offers there too... it does make you think wow! Toads indeed
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Awww a little Pom - so cute 🥰

I think you should treat yourself to something special for Christmas. I’m going to.

That’s another thing. I feel like I wasted my ‘prime’ my 30’s I spent raising my child and didn’t date at all. I was celibate. I do worry those days are behind me and I’m getting older and losing my way... 😬

But I know I’ve still got it, I have transferable skills from FWB guy 😉. I’m certain if the right person came along I’d be able to upskill IYKWIM.

I do have things to be happy about. Hopefully we will both find our missing piece.
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I spend my life treating myself I’m 3 coach bags down this month…I have a wardrobe that is crammed full of gorgeous things I don’t go anywhere to wear 😂I’m lucky I earn very good money and can pretty much afford whatever I want but it doesn’t stop me being lonely
 
I’m more of a lurker on this thread now, because I have no intention of dating. If a man finds me, he will find me, but I’ll never search for a man. I refuse to put myself through the torture of dating apps ever again, but each to their own. Also, the type of man I want is RARE so rather than sitting around wishing and hoping for this magical unicorn to land on my doorstep, I’ve reframed my singlehood. My whole life is now focused on me. My dreams, my goals, my ambitions. I am unapologetically selfish in the pursuit of levelling up my life, and I will not settle for a man who “will do.” I’d rather be on my own.

This decision to forget men even exist, has been the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I recently bought my second home, all by myself, and I’ve decorated my entire house in luxe pink and gold. When I said, I am focused on my desires, I really meant it. Pink fridge anyone? 😆 I’ve turned my house into a proper girly palace, and I bleeping love it.

My house is always immaculate too.


The way my life is just getting better and better, all because I’m forging my own path, and not waiting around for someone else to validate me—wish I did this years ago.

I do have one man in my life though. He has a furry backside, is highly food motivated and is completely unbothered that he sleeps on pink sheets every night.

While I empathise with those of you who feel lonely, I can’t truly identify with the concept of loneliness outside a relationship. Because the only loneliness I’ve ever felt was IN a relationship. I spent years and years diminishing myself, and putting in so much emotional labour for not a lot in return. The cost to me was great, but I’m now reclaiming everything that was taken from me.

My hope for those of you on this thread, who spend so much time wishing and hoping for a man to complete you—is to find your power. Your life will be unrecognisable when you do. You are going to be OK.
 
Olgivy said:
I’m more of a lurker on this thread now, because I have no intention of dating. If a man finds me, he will find me, but I’ll never search for a man. I refuse to put myself through the torture of dating apps ever again, but each to their own. Also, the type of man I want is RARE so rather than sitting around wishing and hoping for this magical unicorn to land on my doorstep, I’ve reframed my singlehood. My whole life is now focused on me. My dreams, my goals, my ambitions. I am unapologetically selfish in the pursuit of levelling up my life, and I will not settle for a man who “will do.” I’d rather be on my own.

This decision to forget men even exist, has been the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I recently bought my second home, all by myself, and I’ve decorated my entire house in luxe pink and gold. When I said, I am focused on my desires, I really meant it. Pink fridge anyone? 😆 I’ve turned my house into a proper girly palace, and I bleeping love it.

My house is always immaculate too.


The way my life is just getting better and better, all because I’m forging my own path, and not waiting around for someone else to validate me—wish I did this years ago.

I do have one man in my life though. He has a furry backside, is highly food motivated and is completely unbothered that he sleeps on pink sheets every night.

While I empathise with those of you who feel lonely, I can’t truly identify with the concept of loneliness outside a relationship. Because the only loneliness I’ve ever felt was IN a relationship. I spent years and years diminishing myself, and putting in so much emotional labour for not a lot in return. The cost to me was great, but I’m now reclaiming everything that was taken from me.

My hope for those of you on this thread, who spend so much time wishing and hoping for a man to complete you—is to find your power. Your life will be unrecognisable when you do. You are going to be OK.
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What a beautiful way of putting things. Thank you.
 
Olgivy said:
I’m more of a lurker on this thread now, because I have no intention of dating. If a man finds me, he will find me, but I’ll never search for a man. I refuse to put myself through the torture of dating apps ever again, but each to their own. Also, the type of man I want is RARE so rather than sitting around wishing and hoping for this magical unicorn to land on my doorstep, I’ve reframed my singlehood. My whole life is now focused on me. My dreams, my goals, my ambitions. I am unapologetically selfish in the pursuit of levelling up my life, and I will not settle for a man who “will do.” I’d rather be on my own.

This decision to forget men even exist, has been the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I recently bought my second home, all by myself, and I’ve decorated my entire house in luxe pink and gold. When I said, I am focused on my desires, I really meant it. Pink fridge anyone? 😆 I’ve turned my house into a proper girly palace, and I bleeping love it.

My house is always immaculate too.


The way my life is just getting better and better, all because I’m forging my own path, and not waiting around for someone else to validate me—wish I did this years ago.

I do have one man in my life though. He has a furry backside, is highly food motivated and is completely unbothered that he sleeps on pink sheets every night.

While I empathise with those of you who feel lonely, I can’t truly identify with the concept of loneliness outside a relationship. Because the only loneliness I’ve ever felt was IN a relationship. I spent years and years diminishing myself, and putting in so much emotional labour for not a lot in return. The cost to me was great, but I’m now reclaiming everything that was taken from me.

My hope for those of you on this thread, who spend so much time wishing and hoping for a man to complete you—is to find your power. Your life will be unrecognisable when you do. You are going to be OK.
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I really love your posts ❤️ Your home sounds fabulous. When my ex moved out I immediately changed a lot of my home and made it 100% mine. I love coming home and can’t bear the thought of a man ever being in my house again!
 
Olgivy said:
I’m more of a lurker on this thread now, because I have no intention of dating. If a man finds me, he will find me, but I’ll never search for a man. I refuse to put myself through the torture of dating apps ever again, but each to their own. Also, the type of man I want is RARE so rather than sitting around wishing and hoping for this magical unicorn to land on my doorstep, I’ve reframed my singlehood. My whole life is now focused on me. My dreams, my goals, my ambitions. I am unapologetically selfish in the pursuit of levelling up my life, and I will not settle for a man who “will do.” I’d rather be on my own.

This decision to forget men even exist, has been the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I recently bought my second home, all by myself, and I’ve decorated my entire house in luxe pink and gold. When I said, I am focused on my desires, I really meant it. Pink fridge anyone? 😆 I’ve turned my house into a proper girly palace, and I bleeping love it.

My house is always immaculate too.


The way my life is just getting better and better, all because I’m forging my own path, and not waiting around for someone else to validate me—wish I did this years ago.

I do have one man in my life though. He has a furry backside, is highly food motivated and is completely unbothered that he sleeps on pink sheets every night.

While I empathise with those of you who feel lonely, I can’t truly identify with the concept of loneliness outside a relationship. Because the only loneliness I’ve ever felt was IN a relationship. I spent years and years diminishing myself, and putting in so much emotional labour for not a lot in return. The cost to me was great, but I’m now reclaiming everything that was taken from me.

My hope for those of you on this thread, who spend so much time wishing and hoping for a man to complete you—is to find your power. Your life will be unrecognisable when you do. You are going to be OK.
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I am a lurker here too and have always loved your no nonsense posts. Life is for living, with or without a man and if you can afford to go it alone, live the best life you can. The men I have had relationships with, and there have been a few, have never really been worth the time I spent on them. I too am single, have been for 5 years now and am the happiest I have ever been. Life is much simpler without the angst men seem to induce. There seems to be such a big divide between men and women and, as women are becoming more financially independent I often wonder what will happen to men in the future.
 
freezelouise43 said:
I spend my life treating myself I’m 3 coach bags down this month…I have a wardrobe that is crammed full of gorgeous things I don’t go anywhere to wear 😂I’m lucky I earn very good money and can pretty much afford whatever I want but it doesn’t stop me being lonely
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I’m confused as to why the £400 you spent on the hotel was such an issue then? Obviously you would have liked that man (won’t call him your FWB because time after time he’s proven he is not your friend and there is no benefit to your life of him being in it) to pay but you can clearly afford it so unblocking to ask for the cash seems to have been another way for you to engage with him again, try and appeal to his better nature. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t have one. I really hope you have nothing more to do with him in 2025.
 
Clickbait said:
I’m confused as to why the £400 you spent on the hotel was such an issue then? Obviously you would have liked that man (won’t call him your FWB because time after time he’s proven he is not your friend and there is no benefit to your life of him being in it) to pay but you can clearly afford it so unblocking to ask for the cash seems to have been another way for you to engage with him again, try and appeal to his better nature. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t have one. I really hope you have nothing more to do with him in 2025.
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It's the principle I'm my opinion. Why should be get away with it?
 
Lac1985 said:
I really love your posts ❤️ Your home sounds fabulous. When my ex moved out I immediately changed a lot of my home and made it 100% mine. I love coming home and can’t bear the thought of a man ever being in my house again!
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The thought of cleaning up after a man who wants to go 50/50 on bills. 😩
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Sofie said:
I am a lurker here too and have always loved your no nonsense posts. Life is for living, with or without a man and if you can afford to go it alone, live the best life you can. The men I have had relationships with, and there have been a few, have never really been worth the time I spent on them. I too am single, have been for 5 years now and am the happiest I have ever been. Life is much simpler without the angst men seem to induce. There seems to be such a big divide between men and women and, as women are becoming more financially independent I often wonder what will happen to men in the future.
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Sadly, there will always be women who will settle for a mediocre man because she fears being alone. Men know this. But boy, the peace—it is unrivalled isn’t it? The average man is simply not worth the energy expenditure, and they are wholly unprepared for an adult, emotionally intertwined relationship. Thankfully more and more women are waking up to this fact, and are choosing to centre themselves, and I’m so here for it. It’s about time. ❤️
 
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Olgivy said:
I’m more of a lurker on this thread now, because I have no intention of dating. If a man finds me, he will find me, but I’ll never search for a man. I refuse to put myself through the torture of dating apps ever again, but each to their own. Also, the type of man I want is RARE so rather than sitting around wishing and hoping for this magical unicorn to land on my doorstep, I’ve reframed my singlehood. My whole life is now focused on me. My dreams, my goals, my ambitions. I am unapologetically selfish in the pursuit of levelling up my life, and I will not settle for a man who “will do.” I’d rather be on my own.

This decision to forget men even exist, has been the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I recently bought my second home, all by myself, and I’ve decorated my entire house in luxe pink and gold. When I said, I am focused on my desires, I really meant it. Pink fridge anyone? 😆 I’ve turned my house into a proper girly palace, and I bleeping love it.

My house is always immaculate too.


The way my life is just getting better and better, all because I’m forging my own path, and not waiting around for someone else to validate me—wish I did this years ago.

I do have one man in my life though. He has a furry backside, is highly food motivated and is completely unbothered that he sleeps on pink sheets every night.

While I empathise with those of you who feel lonely, I can’t truly identify with the concept of loneliness outside a relationship. Because the only loneliness I’ve ever felt was IN a relationship. I spent years and years diminishing myself, and putting in so much emotional labour for not a lot in return. The cost to me was great, but I’m now reclaiming everything that was taken from me.

My hope for those of you on this thread, who spend so much time wishing and hoping for a man to complete you—is to find your power. Your life will be unrecognisable when you do. You are going to be OK.
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You’ve awoken something inside of me. I’ve spent this afternoon planning goals I want to smash in 2025 and beyond. This is unbelievably powerful and speaks so much sense.
 
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