Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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Good Egg said:
You’ve awoken something inside of me. I’ve spent this afternoon planning goals I want to smash in 2025 and beyond. This is unbelievably powerful and speaks so much sense.
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I believe you can achieve every one of those goals. Stay in your lane. But, it’s a mindset shift, and it’s a process. You don’t feel great about it overnight, you will need to shed some deeply ingrained beliefs about your worthiness as a woman. I had to decide whether I want to sit and cry that I don’t have a man who treats me right, or do I want to treat myself right and give myself everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. One option leads to victimhood and feeling helpless, and the other option leads to freedom, and options that go beyond a male gaze.
 
EddyDarling said:
Yeah been getting it for ages and I work full time! I live close to London, feel like that says it all 😆
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Oh. Yes that says it all 😟

I don’t have much for any kind of luxuries but I wasn’t staying in my dead end relationship just to be more financially stable.

I think being single and a parent at this time of the year is so hard. This is my first Christmas being separated.
 
D2them said:
It's the principle I'm my opinion. Why should be get away with it?
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He is in no way reliable and has proved that over and over again. If the OP had wanted to be wined, dined and romanced by him she should have left him to book it all and therefore pay for it all because I seem to remember he’s done something similar before.

Instead she booked the hotel and paid for dinner which immediately put her back at the mercy of his conscience which is non-existent.

There comes a point when you have to take responsibility for your own stupidity. If someone tells you to tit in your own hands and clap you’re not going to make that mistake more than once are you?
 
D2them said:
It's the principle I'm my opinion. Why should be get away with it?
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I think you have to detach and look at what is healthiest and safest for yourself. He isn’t going to pay, you’ll humiliate yourself asking, and he will feel powerful by making you small just like he did that night. Every angry text he will get a little thrill of his effect on you. If you insult him it doesn’t hurt him, he feels powerful.

Treat him as the pathetic termite he is. Block, delete, move on. It is far more hurtful to them and safe for you. Take the lesson

Olgivy said:
My hope for those of you on this thread, who spend so much time wishing and hoping for a man to complete you—is to find your power. Your life will be unrecognisable when you do. You are going to be OK.
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She’s baaaaaack!
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Chaser
 
@freezelouise43 You might think click bait is being harsh and blunt, but I have to agree with that post. There comes a time when principles or asking for fairness from someone who is just not capable of it which this guy has shown over and over again needs to go in the bin!
I left a Cartier love bracelet behind when things ended with an ex and I knew there was NO point unblocking him and asking for it as if he had an decency, he would’ve returned it without me having to ask for it.
Please, please just block him! Take this as an expensive lesson learnt and don’t message him ever again. You seem to be doing financially well, remember money is piece of piss, you can always make it back! You should not be letting this guy disrespect you anymore, any attention is good attention and he will relish on it! It’s not worth it!

Ps- I’m not being insensitive here, I know times are hard and not everyone is in a privilege position to just let go of £400 but I would never expect it to be returned from a guy who has displayed over again that he’s a pos and does nothing but disrespect me.
 
Hi there said:
@freezelouise43 You might think click bait is being harsh and blunt, but I have to agree with that post. There comes a time when principles or asking for fairness from someone who is just not capable of it which this guy has shown over and over again needs to go in the bin!
I left a Cartier love bracelet behind when things ended with an ex and I knew there was NO point unblocking him and asking for it as if he had an decency, he would’ve returned it without me having to ask for it.
Please, please just block him! Take this as an expensive lesson learnt and don’t message him ever again. You seem to be doing financially well, remember money is piece of piss, you can always make it back! You should not be letting this guy disrespect you anymore, any attention is good attention and he will relish on it! It’s not worth it!

Ps- I’m not being insensitive here, I know times are hard and not everyone is in a privilege position to just let go of £400 but I would never expect it to be returned from a guy who has displayed over again that he’s a pos and does nothing but disrespect me.
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Thank you! Yes I gave up asking him for it back 🥰once my treatment is out the way I’ve decided to buy a property and focus on that…I just keep thinking he’s probably out there buying Christmas gifts with not one thought to posing me money and it makes me so mad xx
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Clickbait said:
I’m confused as to why the £400 you spent on the hotel was such an issue then? Obviously you would have liked that man (won’t call him your FWB because time after time he’s proven he is not your friend and there is no benefit to your life of him being in it) to pay but you can clearly afford it so unblocking to ask for the cash seems to have been another way for you to engage with him again, try and appeal to his better nature. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t have one. I really hope you have nothing more to do with him in 2025.
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because that £400 was needed, I will be medical free in a month and able to use my money more freely- yes I buy alot but I pay alot to klarna to be able to do it, it was a lot, just before Christmas. I’m a prideful person abc going cap in hand to someone who already thinks he’s above me status wise was honestly not a way I would ever want to engage- it’s humiliating. My financial situation and what I spend money on doesn’t change the fact that it’s £400 I needed I have a £2k billing coming for the last part of my treatment. For context, the whole procedure has cost just shy of £10k so whilst I might have nice things and take luxury holidays it’s still stretched me. I also work 60 hours a week, I didn’t win the lottery. I didn’t have children because I neither like or wanted them, so I m luckily able to periodise myself.
 
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I would also add further that I don’t date, I’m not interested in meeting some idiot on a dating app that’s going to let me down- as everyone here has all already experienced the bar is so low that there’s literally no point. I’m not naive, or a walkover or unable to see how things are. I have never been used for money in my life I’ve unfortunately got myself into a cycle (of my own doing) of trying to “save” a drunk bitter old man who’s incapable of displaying the same kindness to me. The hotel was a mutual agreement to split the cost by him paying off dinner (same price as hotel). I realise now i should have let past behaviour be the best predictor.
Outside of this situation im so busy with my 2 jobs that im not sitting waiting for a man to save me, because none ever has. Im incredibly fussy, which has led me to fixate on him- but I’m
Not interested in a man- I’m incredibly independent. I can turn my hand to pretty much any DIY, and I’m a valued colleague in my jobs. Please don’t get it twisted, I’m not one of these desperate people who would be scammed out of money…it happened, I own it x
 
@freezelouise43 im probably coming at it from a different angle and yes to an extent there is that element of personal responsibility which I can see from your recent post you agree/acknowledge but im also coming from it at another point as when I was with my narc ex, he got me into a lot of debt. When I look back now (and at the time) I did blame myself a lot and I went through all the usual - how could I be so stupid, why did I trust that he’d pay me back, if only I’d not fallen for it, if only I wasn’t as kind, if only I’d of done XYZ so none of this happened. When ultimately, it was him.

He eventually saw me as a walking ATM and although for the final 5 months I stayed purely with the intention to get money back (I did get £1500 at the end btw) but eventually I had to write the rest of it off, including my property that he stole just for my own mental health. I was never going to get the money he owed me. That is a very hard lesson for me to have learnt (among the rest of the abuse) and I will not ever put myself in that situation ever again. At the same time, it has/will make me extremely cautious ever sharing any sort of financial responsibility with another person as this never started out as him taking advantage, it happened slowly.

the fact he has gone on to do the same thing to 5 other women made me feel less stupid if I’m honest (even though I wish he’d not done stuff to them obv).

I agree with the others, you’ve tried to get it back and he clearly won’t so use it as the final nail in the coffin. This man offers you absolutely nothing and takes everything from you - emotionally and now financially. He is a waster and not worth your time, energy or money.

some might say you were stupid or whatever and I probably would have said exactly the same (and I used to say this about others) if I hadn’t found myself in the situation I did with my ex - it could never be me until it was.
 
IGiveUp22 said:
@freezelouise43 im probably coming at it from a different angle and yes to an extent there is that element of personal responsibility which I can see from your recent post you agree/acknowledge but im also coming from it at another point as when I was with my narc ex, he got me into a lot of debt. When I look back now (and at the time) I did blame myself a lot and I went through all the usual - how could I be so stupid, why did I trust that he’d pay me back, if only I’d not fallen for it, if only I wasn’t as kind, if only I’d of done XYZ so none of this happened. When ultimately, it was him.

He eventually saw me as a walking ATM and although for the final 5 months I stayed purely with the intention to get money back (I did get £1500 at the end btw) but eventually I had to write the rest of it off, including my property that he stole just for my own mental health. I was never going to get the money he owed me. That is a very hard lesson for me to have learnt (among the rest of the abuse) and I will not ever put myself in that situation ever again. At the same time, it has/will make me extremely cautious ever sharing any sort of financial responsibility with another person as this never started out as him taking advantage, it happened slowly.

the fact he has gone on to do the same thing to 5 other women made me feel less stupid if I’m honest (even though I wish he’d not done stuff to them obv).

I agree with the others, you’ve tried to get it back and he clearly won’t so use it as the final nail in the coffin. This man offers you absolutely nothing and takes everything from you - emotionally and now financially. He is a waster and not worth your time, energy or money.

some might say you were stupid or whatever and I probably would have said exactly the same (and I used to say this about others) if I hadn’t found myself in the situation I did with my ex - it could never be me until it was.
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Thank you! Yes…I’m so so sorry this happened to you, mine is so so minor compared to what you went through 😪I heard somewhere “telling someone to stop engaging with an abuser is like telling someone to leave a cult” and I felt that….its not till you’re into deep, and it’s gone too far that you realise. You need to wear someone’s shoes to see their journey don’t you xx
 
IGiveUp22 said:
some might say you were stupid or whatever and I probably would have said exactly the same (and I used to say this about others) if I hadn’t found myself in the situation I did with my ex - it could never be me until it was.
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Well said, 100% agree. I've been there too and it's horrible but let's not blame ourselves over and over. It's them who are the idiots, not us. I'll say no more now xx
 
I wonder how many men are sitting on male dominated forums asking how to find a gf and getting told to work on themselves 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why is it down to us to stay busy, make plans, see friends, join a running club, find a new hobby etc? If I hear of one more person who comes out of a long term relationship and within 3 months is in another, I will scream.
On another note… is 16 years too big an age gap with me being older?!? I met someone the other night in the wild. Swapped numbers and got roped into a date. It went well and he seems keen and cute. But part of me feels like I’m a p@edo 😭
 
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