Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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I'm not sure there is anything more I can add to the chorus of please don't meet him, but I really think it's a bad idea.

Men are generally cowards (hence the amount of ghosting that goes on), the fact he wants to meet you though doesn't make me think what a great guy he is, but more he's potentially quite cruel/ spiteful. My concern is he either wants to see you upset which is a pretty mean thing to want to do or else he wants to put you in a situation where you're basically begging him for another chance. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes out with some petty and insignificant reason why he can't keep dating you which he'd never mentioned as an issue before now, purely to get you saying well ok I can do X or Y. Making you feel this is your fault and that you need to change. But even if you did talk him round in that scenario, there'd be a different reason in a few weeks, and so on and so on. He's not a nice man and he's already demonstrated this. Please look after yourself.
 
Bonbon76 said:
So how should you end a relationship? I would feel more insulted if it was over WhatsApp or something.
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You said it was casual, so it wasn’t really a relationship IMO. I say this with kindness, but I don’t believe in “closure.” I believe in allowing people’s actions to do the talking, and then I decide for myself if I want them in my life. Also, is it closure you really want or are you secretly hoping he had some sort of awakening, and you are his soulmate? He has had 12 months to commit to you, and he hasn’t. What is there even to talk about? You are worth much better than this nonsense. You sound lovely, but a little lacking in confidence in yourself. And he knows this too, this is why he has treated you this way. He knows you will allow it. Don’t allow it anymore. Take back your power. Don’t let him chat tit to you over a cheap dinner, and let you down gently. Seriously. He can GTFOH. ❤
 
@Bonbon76 whatever you hope for from this meeting, you're unlikely to get it.

He sounds like my work guy - the withdrawal of time, attention, communication etc but they'll pop back now and then with some breadcrumbs as they want validation and an ego boost.

My work guy treated my awfully in April, met up with him in May and asked for an explanation of what happened, he said "I can't give you one" so that was the end of that conversation lol, there was nothing I could say to that. I asked are we done and he said yes. This didn't make me feel better at all.

In July we met up again and went back to how we were pre-April. He said all the right things and I really thought things would be good again. I've not seen him since!

So I had both potential outcomes from meeting with him and neither were good and neither helped.

Don't expect the person who hurt you be the the one to heal you! Only you can do that with time and getting rid of him.
 
@Bonbon76 whatever you decide to do we will be here. I think only you can make the call on whether it is wise to meet, but go in with the knowledge beforehand and boundaries. Put you first.
I’m finding this whole dating, Male vs female take on dating, ghosting, etc really fascinating. It’s an absolute minefield. Why is it as women we are too emotional, we are overthinking it, we are reading the wrong signals... so it’s our fault? Yet he’s giving mixed signals and zero communication? To spend time in each other’s company surely is a two way street to begin with? Otherwise you wouldn’t meet up in the first instance. Also do men have sex with zero emotional connection? Are they capable of having sex, good sex with zero feelings or emotional connection? Personally I cannot have sex with someone who I have zero connection, attraction or emotional connection with. Hence why I get so attached maybe? I’ve never done flings or one night stands.
But yeah why as women donwe put so much responsibility and blame on ourselves yet men walk away almost with hero status... it’s insane.
(I hope this post makes sense!)
 
My FWB has been acting as if he has feelings, eg leaving nights out with friends to see me, telling me I make him feel so haplg and loved etc etc

Asked him if he is getting feelings because I feel like I'm heading in that direction and he told me in no uncertain terms absolutely not now nor ever. I honestly wanted to cry. He's left his cologne here by accident and I keep smelling it as smells of him 😢

But it has given me renewed motivation for my diet 🤣

Anyway the actual point of this is 2 things:

1/ I'm glad he's been very clear, I feel like this is what's been missing from the other scenario posted here?

2/ tinder makes me want to cry because nobody I find even remotely attractive on tinder likes me back 😢😭💔
 
Thank(space)you said:
My FWB has been acting as if he has feelings, eg leaving nights out with friends to see me, telling me I make him feel so happy and loved etc etc

Asked him if he is getting feelings because I feel like I'm heading in that direction and he told me in no uncertain terms absolutely not now nor ever. I honestly wanted to cry.
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A man leaving his nights out with friends to see you, is not acting as if he has feelings, he is treating you like a booty call.

I experienced this with someone in my twenties, and the whole push and pull dynamic was like an addiction. I even started to think the guy was a vampire, because he never saw me in daylight. 😩

So what he is telling you is that he is happy to enjoy all of the trappings of being treated like a boyfriend, without actually having to be one.

Why on earth would you accept this? No man’s dick is worth this level of disrespect. Look, if a woman wants casual sex, have casual sex. I’m not shaming anyone if that is what brings them happiness. But that’s the thing, it’s meant to make you happy. If it causes you to cry, then there is an imbalance there. What he said to you—- Im just going to call it what it is, it’s bleeping degrading.

You are another lovely one on this thread, that continually accepts poor treatment from men. Why? What will it take for you to realise you don’t need to accept this kind of treatment?

I know you all think I’m bitter on this thread, but I’ll say it again, if have low self esteem, you should NOT be dating. You are literally throwing yourself to the wolves.

I get it, loneliness. But the loneliness you will feel, attaching yourself to a man who isn’t worthy of you is beyond anything I can describe.

It’s not worth it, it really isn’t. Being lonely in a relationship changes you.

WhatsApp messages, cheap words of affirmation is not even the bare minimum a man should be providing you. I’m sure he is enjoying you loving on him, who wouldn’t? You are fab. But does he deserve it? Why is the bar set so low?
 
Olgivy said:
A man leaving his nights out with friends to see you, is not acting as if he has feelings, he is treating you like a booty call.

I experienced this with someone in my twenties, and the whole push and pull dynamic was like an addiction. I even started to think the guy was a vampire, because he never saw me in daylight. 😩

So what he is telling you is that he is happy to enjoy all of the trappings of being treated like a boyfriend, without actually having to be one.

Why on earth would you accept this? No man’s dick is worth this level of disrespect. Look, if a woman wants casual sex, have casual sex. I’m not shaming anyone if that is what brings them happiness. But that’s the thing, it’s meant to make you happy. If it causes you to cry, then there is an imbalance there. What he said to you—- Im just going to call it what it is, it’s bleeping degrading.

You are another lovely one on this thread, that continually accepts poor treatment from men. Why? What will it take for you to realise you don’t need to accept this kind of treatment?

I know you all think I’m bitter on this thread, but I’ll say it again, if have low self esteem, you should NOT be dating. You are literally throwing yourself to the wolves.

I get it, loneliness. But the loneliness you will feel, attaching yourself to a man who isn’t worthy of you is beyond anything I can describe.

It’s not worth it, it really isn’t. Being lonely in a relationship changes you.

WhatsApp messages, cheap words of affirmation is not even the bare minimum a man should be providing you. I’m sure he is enjoying you loving on him, who wouldn’t? You are fab. But does he deserve it? Why is the bar set so low?
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Oh yeah I'm not going to see him again, I thought I could handle casual like I did in my wayward youth but I'm not that person any more.

He would hang out with me too even if we weren't having sex etc

But 🔺️ the thing that cemented it for me was after he said about no way ever gonna have feelings for me, he messaged someone he'd saved as "booty call" - whilst he was in my bed (wasn't snooping, he wasn't hiding it and I'd turned to talk to him)
 
Quite a while ago I posted saying a work colleague and I were getting along really well, we were super close, a little flirting and banter here and there, to the point where everyone was convinced that we were together but nothing came of it. Said colleague in the past month or so has started seeing a new colleague. The relationship is having an impact on his work and everyone is telling me to talk to him about it but I really don’t feel like it’s my place to do so. I am happy for him but it’s kind of hard seeing him with someone else every day, and becoming a completely different person, when I thought there was something there
 
Thank(space)you said:
But 🔺️ the thing that cemented it for me was after he said about no way ever gonna have feelings for me, he messaged someone he'd saved as "booty call" - whilst he was in my bed (wasn't snooping, he wasn't hiding it and I'd turned to talk to him)
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This would come under the category of “duck around and find out.” for me.

I would have kicked his ass out my house so fast, he would have certainly FOUND OUT.

I hope you never talk to him again.
 
Lilu22 said:
Quite a while ago I posted saying a work colleague and I were getting along really well, we were super close, a little flirting and banter here and there, to the point where everyone was convinced that we were together but nothing came of it. Said colleague in the past month or so has started seeing a new colleague. The relationship is having an impact on his work and everyone is telling me to talk to him about it but I really don’t feel like it’s my place to do so. I am happy for him but it’s kind of hard seeing him with someone else every day, and becoming a completely different person, when I thought there was something there
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Trust me when i say shagging someone who you also work with is like shitting on your own door step. Messy as duck and you have to face it every.single.day.
 
Good Egg said:
Trust me when i say shagging someone who you also work with is like shitting on your own door step. Messy as duck and you have to face it every.single.day.
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Honestly that’s one thing that I did always say, I did like him but if the relationship didn’t work up, it’d be so awkward having to work with him and also everyone else knowing our business
 
Lilu22 said:
Quite a while ago I posted saying a work colleague and I were getting along really well, we were super close, a little flirting and banter here and there, to the point where everyone was convinced that we were together but nothing came of it. Said colleague in the past month or so has started seeing a new colleague. The relationship is having an impact on his work and everyone is telling me to talk to him about it but I really don’t feel like it’s my place to do so. I am happy for him but it’s kind of hard seeing him with someone else every day, and becoming a completely different person, when I thought there was something there
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Are you his boss at work? If not, why do you need to talk to him? You aren’t his mummy. Let him dig his own grave.

You mentioned “new colleague” is this someone who has recently started at your work? If so, the guy sounds like “he saw someone better” and decided to go full steam ahead, which is a HUGE BLESSING in disguise, even if it feels crappy. His rejection is your protection. Thank God, you found out now that his head is easily turned, and his intentions are fickle. He has saved you from a lot of pain.

Work relationships are a no go anyway. But she will have to learn that the hard way. Thankfully it’s not your lesson to learn.
 
Olgivy said:
Are you his boss at work? If not, why do you need to talk to him? You aren’t his mummy. Let him dig his own grave.

You mentioned “new colleague” is this someone who has recently started at your work? If so, the guy sounds like “he saw someone better” and decided to go full steam ahead, which is a HUGE BLESSING in disguise, even if it feels crappy. His rejection is your protection. Thank God, you found out now that his head is easily turned, and his intentions are fickle. He has saved you from a lot of pain.

Work relationships are a no go anyway. But she will have to learn that the hard way. Thankfully it’s not your lesson to learn.
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I can only assume people told me to talk to him because of how close we used to be but since he started dating her, we very rarely talk now. She did start fairly recently and within about 3 weeks, they were dating. It did make me wonder why wasn’t I good enough for him but I know now that I’m better off without him and the drama of a work relationship. It does make me laugh when I get paired up with him to work because I know she absolutely hates me working with him🙈
 
Thank(space)you said:
My FWB has been acting as if he has feelings, eg leaving nights out with friends to see me, telling me I make him feel so haplg and loved etc etc

Asked him if he is getting feelings because I feel like I'm heading in that direction and he told me in no uncertain terms absolutely not now nor ever. I honestly wanted to cry. He's left his cologne here by accident and I keep smelling it as smells of him 😢

But it has given me renewed motivation for my diet 🤣

Anyway the actual point of this is 2 things:

1/ I'm glad he's been very clear, I feel like this is what's been missing from the other scenario posted here?

2/ tinder makes me want to cry because nobody I find even remotely attractive on tinder likes me back 😢😭💔
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What is the correlation between this and your diet? It sounds like you get a lot of validation and self esteem from men, which is not good.
leaving a night out to come see you sounds like he didn’t pull but knows he can get something round at yours with no effort. Block and get into therapy please, these men will not heal you.
 
Ohnoshebettadont said:
What is the correlation between this and your diet? It sounds like you get a lot of validation and self esteem from men, which is not good.
leaving a night out to come see you sounds like he didn’t pull but knows he can get something round at yours with no effort. Block and get into therapy please, these men will not heal you.
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Because I want to focus on myself and not him so it's making me more disciplined 🙏🏽

ETA I am in therapy 😅
 
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