Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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Bonbon76 said:
Well, he messaged me. He wants to meet me Saturday. Obviously he's going to ask me to marry him.

Jokes.

I don't really know what he'll have to say, I didn't want to chat over WhatsApp as I need to see him to understand.
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Any update? Did you meet up with him?
 
Stimpii said:
Any update? Did you meet up with him?
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I did (sorry) I did appreciate all the advice and this will probably bite me on the arse again. There had been a small family issue, he's a parent with joint custody and runs his own business and is genuinely busy. He still could have messaged me, I told him the same. I will never understand why he goes quiet but can only believe him when he says he does still want to see me etc. Just can I live with his communication style?

I fully believe anyone can drop a quick message but he just withdrew. From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.
 
Bonbon76 said:
I did (sorry) I did appreciate all the advice and this will probably bite me on the arse again. There had been a small family issue, he's a parent with joint custody and runs his own business and is genuinely busy. He still could have messaged me, I told him the same. I will never understand why he goes quiet but can only believe him when he says he does still want to see me etc. Just can I live with his communication style?

I fully believe anyone can drop a quick message but he just withdrew. From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.
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He loves you? I thought this was a casual thing?
 
Bonbon76 said:
I did (sorry) I did appreciate all the advice and this will probably bite me on the arse again. There had been a small family issue, he's a parent with joint custody and runs his own business and is genuinely busy. He still could have messaged me, I told him the same. I will never understand why he goes quiet but can only believe him when he says he does still want to see me etc. Just can I live with his communication style?

I fully believe anyone can drop a quick message but he just withdrew. From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.
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From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.

This bit above is very gaslighty. Do you mind me asking how old you are and if there's an age gap here? I don't like this man.
 
Bonbon76 said:
I did (sorry) I did appreciate all the advice and this will probably bite me on the arse again. There had been a small family issue, he's a parent with joint custody and runs his own business and is genuinely busy. He still could have messaged me, I told him the same. I will never understand why he goes quiet but can only believe him when he says he does still want to see me etc. Just can I live with his communication style?

I fully believe anyone can drop a quick message but he just withdrew. From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.
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didn’t you say you’d been together for a year? you don’t just go silent on a person you’ve been seeing for 12 months regardless of how busy you are - he could have messaged you and said the stuff about work/custody/family, which are any of those things going away?!?

how you continue from here tbh sends him a big message on what you’re prepared to put up with. the ghosting hurt you, did he acknowledge this or accept that he was in the wrong? it’s not a communication style that works for you, has he said this will change?! or has he just told you he loves you as though that fixes everything?!

how did you leave it with him?
 
Bonbon76 said:
I did (sorry) I did appreciate all the advice and this will probably bite me on the arse again. There had been a small family issue, he's a parent with joint custody and runs his own business and is genuinely busy. He still could have messaged me, I told him the same. I will never understand why he goes quiet but can only believe him when he says he does still want to see me etc. Just can I live with his communication style?

I fully believe anyone can drop a quick message but he just withdrew. From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.
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It takes less than a minute to send a message. I don’t know if it’s just a male thing that even that seems like too much effort sometimes.
 
D2them said:
He loves you? I thought this was a casual thing?
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duck knows at this point! It can't be anymore anyway, we can't up and combine families.
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blueblue said:
From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.

This bit above is very gaslighty. Do you mind me asking how old you are and if there's an age gap here? I don't like this man.
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Oh I'm late 40s, we're the same age. I think (hope) if I sound a bit naive it's because I've not been in the dating game really before.
 
Bonbon76 said:
duck knows at this point! It can't be anymore anyway, we can't up and combine families.
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Oh I'm late 40s, we're the same age. I think (hope) if I sound a bit naive it's because I've not been in the dating game really before.
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This man is wasting your time and saying what he thinks you want to hear. He's treated you terribly. Get out and find someone better. This is not it.
 
Bonbon76 said:
duck knows at this point! It can't be anymore anyway, we can't up and combine families.
---

Oh I'm late 40s, we're the same age. I think (hope) if I sound a bit naive it's because I've not been in the dating game really before.
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I wonder if he was overwhelmed by what was going on around him and therefore stopped communicating down to anxiety or maybe mild depression.

i know this opinion goes against the grind, but I just wanted to throw it out there. We do not know him and some people stop communicating when they feel anxious/stressed/depressed. Still not great to be on the other side of this communication style.
 
LaBlonde said:
didn’t you say you’d been together for a year? you don’t just go silent on a person you’ve been seeing for 12 months regardless of how busy you are - he could have messaged you and said the stuff about work/custody/family, which are any of those things going away?!?

how you continue from here tbh sends him a big message on what you’re prepared to put up with. the ghosting hurt you, did he acknowledge this or accept that he was in the wrong? it’s not a communication style that works for you, has he said this will change?! or has he just told you he loves you as though that fixes everything?!

how did you leave it with him?
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He did apologise. I said how it had left me feeling. There was definitely no promise that he felt he could change.
 
Bonbon76 said:
He did apologise. I said how it had left me feeling. There was definitely no promise that he felt he could change.
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You know, people that have that tendency (to withdraw when they are overwhelmed) will find it very hard to change this. It is their coping mechanism.

If he is introverted and used to handling things on his own then it is more likely that this is his tendency, than if he is extroverted and usually has people around him.
 
Kitty kat 20 said:
I do exactly as above. It's just the way I am but the only thing I will let people know when I need to.
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I agree, when I'm overwhelmed a simple text seems like a monumental effort, especially the thought of the other person replying and having to reply to that and so on... but I think if a relationship with someone I cared about could be put in jeopardy I could manage a quick message, even if it was just to say I won't be available for a while and not to expect a response.
 
Sprezza said:
I agree, when I'm overwhelmed a simple text seems like a monumental effort, especially the thought of the other person replying and having to reply to that and so on... but I think if a relationship with someone I cared about could be put in jeopardy I could manage a quick message, even if it was just to say I won't be available for a while and not to expect a response.
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Yes, that would be ideal, but not everyone is capable of that IF they have an anxiety disorder for example.

I am just speculating, and of course it can be argued that relationships should be a priority, but this type of behaviour is not unheard of.

In my former job I dealt with employees that were unable to respond to my emails whilst being absent as they felt so overwhelmed, some of them failed to notify their health insurance as they felt unable to do so. This caused them more problems, but they were simply not able to do do it.
 
Bonbon76 said:
He did apologise. I said how it had left me feeling. There was definitely no promise that he felt he could change.
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I’m struggling to follow your situation, maybe that reflects your confusion or ambivelance

He disappeared, when it was convenient to him to reappear he told you he was busy and might behave that way in future (despite you stating your distress). But he used some words (says he loved you).

I think you are being manipulated and he will carry on like this. You are settling because you think you can’t have more. Do you have a history of settling? Are you afraid you can’t do better?
 
Kitty kat 20 said:
I do exactly as above. It's just the way I am but the only thing I will let people know when I need to.
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same. i have (sometimes chronic) ocd and anxiety, i frequently retreat to avoid things. however i will always tell my close friends that i might be off grid as such so they don’t worry. i would do the same with any boyfriend or partner, especially a partner of a year like in this scenario. the fact that he doesn’t appear to have really reflected on how it made OP feel is also worrying to me.
 
Bonbon76 said:
I will never understand why he goes quiet but can only believe him when he says he does still want to see me etc. Just can I live with his communication style?

I fully believe anyone can drop a quick message but he just withdrew. From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.
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No one's perfect but your feelings matter too. It's not fair for him to try and draw you in more by proclaiming love, while telling you to accept his not so great coping methods, which as we've seen, negatively affect your mood and anxiety... and he dismissed that by suggesting you should just message him as normal. Not sure how that works when he's admitted he withdraws and stops communicating. There needs to be some compromise on his part.

Bonbon76 said:
Just can I live with his communication style?
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Based on your posts, I'm going to assume no, unless you readjust your expectations and swallow your feelings. But is that the relationship you want?
 
Bonbon76 said:
I did (sorry) I did appreciate all the advice and this will probably bite me on the arse again. There had been a small family issue, he's a parent with joint custody and runs his own business and is genuinely busy. He still could have messaged me, I told him the same. I will never understand why he goes quiet but can only believe him when he says he does still want to see me etc. Just can I live with his communication style?

I fully believe anyone can drop a quick message but he just withdrew. From his point of view, he has told me he loves me, I could message him and I wind myself up for no reason.
Click to expand...

He met someone else, that fell through so he pulled out his fallback card, aka you.

Not only did he gaslight you and deflect responsibility by telling you that “you wind yourself up for no reason” he has now set the ball in motion for you to accept this treatment going forward.

You are now in abusive man territory.

Personally, I’d block and never look back. Do you still think you are the exception?
.
 
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