Single by Choice

1
Here for gossip said:
I have been single for 8 years by choice, I love my own company and freedom, but this last while I have been thinking of a guy i dated in my 20s, even to the point of having dreams about him, does this mean something?
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Funny you say that because I have dreams (nightmares really!) where I'm in a relationship with an unknown man and I feel DESPERATE to get out of it and can never work out why I would choose to not be single 😂
 
peachesandcreamz said:
Funny you say that because I have dreams (nightmares really!) where I'm in a relationship with an unknown man and I feel DESPERATE to get out of it and can never work out why I would choose to not be single 😂
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same!!! i literally have a recurring dream where i am getting married (to an unknown man, he never appears) and i keep trying to tell people that i don’t want it to happen but the plans keep going on regardless around me and i get more and more stressed. my/our subconscious is obviously trying to tell me something 🤣
 
Whenever I was in a longer term relationship I'd have a recurring dream of my partner driving off with a new preferred love and I'd be bereft in the dream. Sometimes wake up crying it was so real. Of course being rejected and abandoned is a deep fear I have to this day which is why I prefer the safety of my single state. That and really feeling more mentally stable.
 
Jesus. Does anyone else get paranoid they sound like they are just having themselves on when they explain to people why they are single.
I am so happy to be single , I literally can't think of one thing except a penis a man would bring to my table yet I still have this crippling fear I sound like I am trying to convince myself.

The thought of dating makes me feel numb. I am a joker and probably make too many jokes about sex and being single so then when people genuinely ask me I feel like I sound hollow and false?

Can anyone relate ?
 
@Nurseali I think that shows how deep the conditioning is to be coupled up. No matter how happy we are to be single there's a tiny bit that feels on the outside looking in. Also I personally wonder why I just can't seem to overlook the stuff that often bickering couples tolerate in each other. I can't walk on eggshells of moods & atmospheres yet some people it's like water off a ducks back. 🤔
 
Nurseali said:
Jesus. Does anyone else get paranoid they sound like they are just having themselves on when they explain to people why they are single.
I am so happy to be single , I literally can't think of one thing except a penis a hman would bring to my table yet I still have this crippling fear I sound like I am trying to convince myself.

The thought of dating makes me feel numb. I am a joker and probably make too many jokes about sex and being single so then when people genuinely ask me I feel like I sound hollow and false?

Can anyone relate ?
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This might be a tangent comment but even if you give coupled up people the most sincere, convincing, genuine explanation as to why you prefer being single, they will choose to hear "i'm lying of course, im desperate and miserable please find me a mate" I dramatise but ... is that not basically it?

In seriousness though, I know what you mean. I think the media has a lot to do with this (when it does not when it comes to women?) From when we are little girls, whenever we hear women talk about being happy that they are single, it's usually in films or tv in some "chick flick" where the character is desperately convincing herself and her friends that she's happy being single (because it could never be genuine of course - all of their storylines revolve around finding a man) And none of her friends believe her obviously - even if she was being genuine. The characters friends treat her like she's come down with some virus because she's not focused on men anymore (touches characters' forehead like she has a temperature) or look to fix it by whipping out their cellphones and setting up a date with a a Brad from the office even though he's a loser... any shows ringing any bells? (or cellphones ... heh)

This sounds minor I know but IMO it's not. To sum up my point, we never see women who just happen to be single, it's Single Women. It becomes our identity and then effects literally everything in our lives. It's never women who aren't obsessed with being single or trying not to be single or who aren't even thinking about their relationship status or anything a like.

Bascially, even when we are genuinely happy being single, everybody doubts us, including ourselves.

(now read it again and take a shot everytime I said single)
 
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I have a friend who is very unhappily married and she tells me all her friends are unhappy too. They are however all in very comfortable living situations, big houses, posh cars that kind of thing.
Many many people are just terrified to be alone but for me it's my natural state and denying that has caused me so much grief trying to be like the herd.
Bickering and atmospheres would make me ill.
 
mozzarellagirl said:
Good for you, but I wasn't speaking for everybody. I was replying to the poster above about her self-doubt comment and speaking within that context.
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i think your point was fair tbh! i “doubt” myself in the way that, as your post said, society and other people imply that i should be doubting myself. it isn’t genuine doubt from my own heart but more general just wanting other people to stop commenting on my life (if that makes any sense 🤣)

i do find, as i think i said a few pages back, that a lot of people eventually tell on themselves with what they really feel about long-term singleness and that only amplifies what i feel sometimes. like people will say to my face that it’s great that i’m independent and such but in the next breath will say something catty about another colleague or person we know being single for a while (i even see it with posters here) and it always makes me think okay so what do you truly think?!? are they just paying lip service to make me feel “better”?!

i think everyone’s relationship with it all is different and nuanced and i’ll never understand how or why it’s one of those things that people feel perfectly happy making comments to me about. and it’s gotten so much worse as i’ve gotten older too.
 
LaBlonde said:
i think your point was fair tbh! i “doubt” myself in the way that, as your post said, society and other people imply that i should be doubting myself. it isn’t genuine doubt from my own heart but more general just wanting other people to stop commenting on my life (if that makes any sense 🤣)

i do find, as i think i said a few pages back, that a lot of people eventually tell on themselves with what they really feel about long-term singleness and that only amplifies what i feel sometimes. like people will say to my face that it’s great that i’m independent and such but in the next breath will say something catty about another colleague or person we know being single for a while (i even see it with posters here) and it always makes me think okay so what do you truly think?!? are they just paying lip service to make me feel “better”?!

i think everyone’s relationship with it all is different and nuanced and i’ll never understand how or why it’s one of those things that people feel perfectly happy making comments to me about. and it’s gotten so much worse as i’ve gotten older too.
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older woman who's happy being single? one the biggest crimes a woman can commit...

to the dungeons!!!
 
LaBlonde said:
same!!! i literally have a recurring dream where i am getting married (to an unknown man, he never appears) and i keep trying to tell people that i don’t want it to happen but the plans keep going on regardless around me and i get more and more stressed. my/our subconscious is obviously trying to tell me something 🤣
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Holy duck I had this dream a few nights ago, I walked down the aisle to the groom, I was stressed out getting closer, shaking and telling myself to get out of it because the stress of kids and divorce would be 100x worse than the embarrassment of quitting now ... finally I couldn't take it anymore so I turned and ran away ... I found myself sitting outside & the groom came and sat beside me and said it's okay if you're not ready.

The groom?
My bloody manager! 😵😵😵
 
I was out for a meal yesterday with my Dad and we were chatting away, eating our chicken, pondering the big questions of life (like what's the most commonly sold item in petrol stations), and we looked around and saw so many couples just GLUED to their phones. Sure you can order via the app at that place, but it doesn't stop there. One couple had their phones in one hand and fork in the other the WHOLE meal - I think he showed her something on his screen once but otherwise not a word was spoken between them.

Are these the "relationships" I should so envy??? So bored of each other's company that you can't stand to look each other in the eye over lunch? This isn't unusual either, you see it all the time. I have a much better time going out with my parents, my friends - hell, even my work colleagues are more engaging!

Truly cannot see what a partner would add to my life.
 
I am having a wahey look at how far you have come.moment.

My ex husband was so controlling I wasn't allowed contact lenses and had curfews set when I wanted to go out. Many many rules.

This weekend I am going away with 20 friends to celebrate a birthday.
I would never have been "allowed" when I was with him. I wouldn't have even asked. Just been shopping for bits for it and wanted to cry at how much my life has changed in two years. Like literally started welling up in Superdrug 🥴
Everything I thought was a reason I couldn't leave has just not been the issue I expected. It's been so easy that the two years have flown.
 
Nurseali said:
I am having a wahey look at how far you have come.moment.

My ex husband was so controlling I wasn't allowed contact lenses and had curfews set when I wanted to go out. Many many rules.

This weekend I am going away with 20 friends to celebrate a birthday.
I would never have been "allowed" when I was with him. I wouldn't have even asked. Just been shopping for bits for it and wanted to cry at how much my life has changed in two years. Like literally started welling up in Superdrug 🥴
Everything I thought was a reason I couldn't leave has just not been the issue I expected. It's been so easy that the two years have flown.
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Ah thats so lovely and honestly so inspiring - have the most fabulous weekend! ❤️❤️❤️
 
Nurseali said:
I am having a wahey look at how far you have come.moment.

My ex husband was so controlling I wasn't allowed contact lenses and had curfews set when I wanted to go out. Many many rules.

This weekend I am going away with 20 friends to celebrate a birthday.
I would never have been "allowed" when I was with him. I wouldn't have even asked. Just been shopping for bits for it and wanted to cry at how much my life has changed in two years. Like literally started welling up in Superdrug 🥴
Everything I thought was a reason I couldn't leave has just not been the issue I expected. It's been so easy that the two years have flown.
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I’m so happy for you, you are free 🕊
 
This is not me wanting a partner (or kids for that matter!). But does anyone who lives alone get lonely? I love being alone but sometimes when I get home after work, or when I go to bed I do feel it. I know this is probably totally normal but is there anything people do to make them feel less so?

I spend all week at work with people and see people at weekends. In fact I don’t feel lonely at weekends even if I don’t. It’s just those specific times where I think about how other people come home to partners or families.

I tend to have background noise on a lot (tv or podcasts). But any things you do when you get home to an empty house?
 
newtoyou said:
This is not me wanting a partner (or kids for that matter!). But does anyone who lives alone get lonely? I love being alone but sometimes when I get home after work, or when I go to bed I do feel it. I know this is probably totally normal but is there anything people do to make them feel less so?

I spend all week at work with people and see people at weekends. In fact I don’t feel lonely at weekends even if I don’t. It’s just those specific times where I think about how other people come home to partners or families.

I tend to have background noise on a lot (tv or podcasts). But any things you do when you get home to an empty house?
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Happens occasionally to me but then I counteract that feeling with the thought of having to explain my day to someone, work out their mood, decide what to cook with them for dinner etc etc and it honestly sound exhausting
 
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