Growing up in poverty was tough at times but I feel more damage was done by being the scapegoat for my narc mum. I can really relate to binge eating as when young I wouldn’t know when my next meal would come. I was so skinny as a kid that I was probably malnourished and often the only things that kept me going was calling into my nans before school so she would give me breakfast and free school meals. Yes we were in poverty but my mum always had money to go out on the town every weekend. I too am a binge eater and hoarder. I feel super anxious if I get down to the last loo roll, shower gel etc and I’m currently trying not to hyper focus on the fact that my petrol is low. When I say low I mean just less than half a tank and I have money in the bank to buy more but until it’s full it will keep being a nagging worry in the back of my brain. That is what it’s like to live with the ongoing effects of poverty guset you vile, cos-playing, sideboard hoarding, spenny watch wearing, cnut
This was my experience too although with my father not my mother. He was/is a narc and violent abuser. I panic about food running low too. I'm a binge eater, everyone says I inhale my food. They think it's funny but they don't know why I do it. I couldn't eat slowly if I tried either, I can't help it. He always spent the money on drink or designer clothes for himself. We were not even allow Kwik Save chocolate. We never had any fresh food beyond carrots, peas, cabbage and apples. It was very much a meat and two veg household. When I tried peppers and tomatoes for the first time, I could not believe the flavours. Thanks to some really good friends I got try all sorts of meals like curries, pasta and stir fry (vegan versions) which blew my taste buds. I love stir fry especially and I batch cook three different ones on rotation. I have some digestives issues now and am sadly intolerant to tomatoes and very spicy foods but can still manage a mild korma. We were poor and living on one wage on and off, often cash jobs. It was bleak and cold a lot of the time. We lived in a flat with bare walls and no heating. It was full of mould. I can't stand mould now. But fortunately I only see it occasionally on the bathroom ceiling.
The other think that stresses me is mess. The house had to be immaculate for him although he never lifted a finger. When he whistled, we jumped, if he didn't like something or it was done to his exacting standards then he was violent with us. Ive got to clean and tidy as soon as I see mess.
I collect blankets too. I never want to feel as cold as I did in my childhood.
I'll never forgive him for what he did to my siblings, me but most of all my poor mother. He took advantage of her, she barely spoke English and was a decade younger than him. He isolated her from her her friends and family, everytime she wanted to go back he would threaten suicide. He subjected her to misery and torture and took her best years from her. The anxiety that develops from that is immense and all consuming. Its hard to relax or stop looking over my shoulder even though he is currently residing at one of HRH's residences. My husband wants to batter the shite out of him for what he did to us. Poverty and abuse have far reaching effects and it can affect those who were not directly involved. We have had therapy but it's not cured things. My brother really sufferers with depression and suicidal thoughts to this day despite anti D's and having a therapist. I really worry about it and it never would have come to this if he had not been abused as a child.
Guest has no idea, none whatsoever. My experience of the narc makes me worry for SB and I have always feared she has been violent with him based in post on her own admittance to violence but also my personal experience. I truly hope not though. I must admit that when I was a teen, I resented my mother for not getting us out and away from him sooner. As an adult though I understand why she couldn't. But children do start to question these things. I have no doubt that SB will be think similar things in a few years. I just hope that he has at least one reliable relative he can lean on. My grandparents were my rocks, They gave us rare bright spots and warmth. Once they found out what had been happening, they contacted the police and rescued us. I'll never forget what they did for us. I love them so much and I miss them so bad, I still cry when I think about them. SB needs someone like that.
) to her fragile mental state, how the music starts softly and calmly but quickly becomes noisy and trips over itself and interrupts itself, just like her mad smol pixie brain. FFS.
Then they end up talking about her kitchen and she makes the point that NOBODY is allowed in there and that it’s very organised. Yes, organised. My honourable friends, I present below Exhibit A; please note I have applied squiggling, for the benefit of those of you who are sensitive to snaggle-teeth, periods zits, exhausted eyes and blatant and candid shots of big love (
WFK):
www.lakeland.co.uk
for years I played it down, felt other people have had it worse. But talking to the police and my therapist put it into context. Him getting convicted validated my experience. He gas lit us a lot, I didn't know what was real sometimes. He could be charming which was confusing. Having irrefutable evidence made it clear what kind of person he was and we found out he had other victims. Now we know for definite, it wasn't anything we did, it was always him, there is something fundamentally wrong with him. He was abused by his father too, there is a long cycle of abuse in his family history. But thankfully we have broken it. There is relief but I'm still haunted at times. Even when he is dead, I will still have flashbacks, of that I am sure. I'm scared of retaliation too when he comes out albeit he will be quite old by then. But mostly, we are all just getting on with life. And I'm trying to positive things. My children always come first but I love animals, especially bunnies so I help in different ways. I can't fathom how some people can live in a toxic state 100% of the time and inflict pain on others and act like they're is nothing wrong with that. I couldn't do that but then I have a conscience and I want to be kind. Not to bad people though. My kindness won't stretch to them.
