Dead Parent Club

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BonBon27 said:
It is really hard. And people don’t really get it; my husband always tells me to let her crack on and not worry about it, but that’s easier said than done when she’s on my case all day every day.

There’s a difference between wallowing and grieving. You of course will feel overwhelming sadness and jealousy, and anger and denial and heartbreak and happiness and hope and all of the emotions. One day at a time x
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Thank you for ur kind reply 🩷 I really wish I wasn’t jel of others having their parents still I just can’t help it ..But on the other hand I know it wlll happen to them 1 day and I feel for them having to cope with it ..But with grief we all handy it differently
 
skronkywildcat said:
I wasn’t saying anyone here was wallowing. I meant the other posters’ sister and mum.
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My sister is certainly the queen of wallowing 🙄 and it’s sad to see her going through life like that; it’s easy to say but you only get one go round and you need to find a little joy in life.
 
It's coming up to the time of year when Dad was admitted to a hospice and was at his most upsetting stage (couldn't manage pain or symptoms). It's the second year and it's no less raw than last year was - I just stared at his gravestone the other day and couldn't get my head around what's left of him being underneath it. I'm dreading Christmas because the sad truth is that everyone else has moved on - and I don't resent that, I'm glad for them but I feel stuck in motion with it if that makes sense. It feels like the waves are crushing me again and I keep bursting into tears at the slightest thing (which really isn't me). Sigh. It's a bastard, this grief malarkey.
 
Does anyone visit their parents grave/memorial site regularly?

I just can’t bring myself to. Mam was buried and I can’t stand the idea of her being there. Also, for some reason she’s in a part of the cemetery where there are lots of babies and small children buried and it’s just so upsetting I can’t stand it. I think my dad thinks I don’t care because I don’t go, but it just kills me to go there.
 
asunder said:
Does anyone visit their parents grave/memorial site regularly?

I just can’t bring myself to. Mam was buried and I can’t stand the idea of her being there. Also, for some reason she’s in a part of the cemetery where there are lots of babies and small children buried and it’s just so upsetting I can’t stand it. I think my dad thinks I don’t care because I don’t go, but it just kills me to go there.
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We scattered my dad's ashes a couple of months ago and I haven't been back since, and although I'd like to go back at some point I'm not sure when. My mother-in-law asked me the other day if I plan to visit where he's scattered on Christmas Day and I said no, because I don't want to only associate where his ashes are with being close to him - it's important to me that I can feel close to him wherever I am, not just where he last was physically. Please don't feel bad for not visiting, especially with the added upset of the children's memorials so close by (I had to walk past the children's memorials to get to where we scattered my dad and it was really upsetting), you have to do what's right for you. Could you let your dad know how often you think of her/talk to her so he understands that you're close to her in your own way? Sending lots of love ❤️
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rivermonster said:
I have been looking but can't find anything - any forum about Loosing Husband Recently forum or similar.
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I'm not sure if a thread exists but you could start one? Sending you lots of love at what must be an extremely difficult time ❤️
 
asunder said:
Does anyone visit their parents grave/memorial site regularly?

I just can’t bring myself to. Mam was buried and I can’t stand the idea of her being there. Also, for some reason she’s in a part of the cemetery where there are lots of babies and small children buried and it’s just so upsetting I can’t stand it. I think my dad thinks I don’t care because I don’t go, but it just kills me to go there.
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I wish we’d done something with my mum’s ashes so I could have somewhere to go. My MIL’s parents are in a beautiful woodland cemetery but there’s nothing like that local to us. My mum is currently still in an urn in my house and I can’t bear to scatter her. I can’t get away from the idea that it’s like throwing her away ☹️ I’m sort of comforted by the idea of keeping her here until I go and having her buried with me.
 
Dad is now resting in the village where I live (luckily he lived there too in the past, we moved there when I was a child) and he's interred under a maple tree in the old churchyard. It's a lovely quiet place by the river and I "see" him most days because I walk the dogs past the church and along the riverbanks. I'll go in there too with him when the time comes. My sister having created so much fuss about it all hasn't been once :mad: so I'm so glad he's where he is.
 
My mum won't let us scatter Dad's ashes. She wants us to keep them until she dies and then do them both together.

Tbh my family are terrible at sorting out ashes. Nana was being kept in our box room for several years as she had 5 kids living all over the UK, and they never got together and agreed what to do.

When I first started covid WFH the box was sat on the shelf behind me. This continued until restrictions lifted and one of the daughters took them. She would have hated being kept in my boxroom as it is full of old junk, and she was always so fussy about being tidy.
 
Bettyboo2475 said:
How do you cope with the grief, it's absolutely wiping me out. It's not been a month yet, 2 days to go since my dad died. Had the funeral last week, now I'm in a kind of anticlimax sort of feeling of hoping the grief would calm down but it's not going anywhere. Sorry I'd that doesn't make sense. Basically I thought I'd start feeling better by now.
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It's different for everyone but a month is no time at all. I found the first few months horrific - the lowest point was probably at the four month mark. It was six months before I could properly "understand" they were gone and weren't coming back but time is so so strange during the early grieving process. A lot of what you think you know about it is not true and the bullshit platitudes are really unhelpful. Those first twelve months are a blur now. Grief changes you irrevocably and permanently. It will be a long time before you resemble your old self again, and that's ok. For me I didn't feel "better" for three years. It's a really tough road and it's tit. Take care of yourself.
 
asunder said:
Does anyone visit their parents grave/memorial site regularly?

I just can’t bring myself to. Mam was buried and I can’t stand the idea of her being there. Also, for some reason she’s in a part of the cemetery where there are lots of babies and small children buried and it’s just so upsetting I can’t stand it. I think my dad thinks I don’t care because I don’t go, but it just kills me to go there.
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My dad passed away 20 years ago this year. I’ve been to the cemetery about 3/4 times. I can’t bring myself to go, think I’ve switched off to it all so much that I even missed the anniversary of his death and remembered a couple of days later.

My family basically imploded in the early years after, even though technically i’m not an orphan I am.
 
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