Dead Parent Club

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thegrumpos said:
I also went to the “first funeral since” last month, it was my husbands grandad, he was naturally very upset and I kept it together for him and not make it about me but wow it was really hard. It wasn’t the same room or even same place / town so no memories as such but the feelings of grief were overwhelming. It’s a really hard thing to do and of course you want to suppress your feelings because you don’t want to take the focus and you want to support others in their grief.
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Yes, I def spent most of it holding back my emotions as I just did not want to lose it and make it all about me. I’m quietly quite proud of how I got through it. Had to pull the car over and have a massive ugly cry meltdown after, but at least I didn’t do that in front of the front row grievers.
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chocolatepanda6 said:
Is anyone else dreading their first Christmas/New Year ? Somehow I feel for me Christmas will be sad but doable with distractions of food and tv but New Years I have always found sad before my dad died and he was always over for a buffet lunch on New Years Day and I am dreading it this year also the thought of going into a New Year and my dads not in it .
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I feel for you, that first year change without your loved one is a tough one. I’m so sorry you have to face it. Will you have someone with you on New Year’s Day? You could have the buffet you love and raise a glass to your dad. Or do something totally different - like go for a walk and get a takeaway - if that feels like it would be better for you. You just have to do what you can to get through it - I promise you will x
 
littlemisssunny said:
I know everyone's grief is different. But just curious to see how long anyone else was off work for following their parents death?
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When my mum died I was still a student. I was off for about a week then had to go back otherwise I would have ended up too far behind with my course. Tbh I don't really remember the first few weeks at all, my mum had been ill but she was only 54 and her death was unexpected.
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With my dad, I took 2 weeks leave. Couldn't take any more time off, no sick pay in those days other than SSP and I had a mortgage to pay. I probably wasn't ready to go back but I had no choice.
 
chocolatepanda6 said:
Is anyone else dreading their first Christmas/New Year ? Somehow I feel for me Christmas will be sad but doable with distractions of food and tv but New Years I have always found sad before my dad died and he was always over for a buffet lunch on New Years Day and I am dreading it this year also the thought of going into a New Year and my dads not in it .
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Yes this. Can't stand the thought of starting a new year without them
 
Another new year hater too. I’ve never been a fan of it but made 100 times worse since losing my mum. I’ve tried to work every one since but the last 2 years I’ve worked kinda self employed so I don’t feel I can put myself down to work it for my daughter although I am grumpy and just want to go to sleep.
 
chocolatepanda6 said:
Is anyone else dreading their first Christmas/New Year ? Somehow I feel for me Christmas will be sad but doable with distractions of food and tv but New Years I have always found sad before my dad died and he was always over for a buffet lunch on New Years Day and I am dreading it this year also the thought of going into a New Year and my dads not in it .
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The first Christmas after my mum's death all I wanted to do was stay in bed with a bottle of baileys, a pack of mince pies and a box of chocolate, and wallow in self pity!! But I needed to host Christmas for my dad, brother and husband - my mum always did Christmas - and with my husband as sous chef we got through it. We have over the years slowly made it ours by adding a few of my husband's traditions and changing the desert (my mum would do Christmas pud and apple pie (she and I liked christmas pud, no one else liked it and she would do applepie for everyone else) . We now have a chocolate yule log with thick cream- everyone likes it.
 
1 year anniversary on Sunday (just gone) and I am absolutely battered from a year of propping up my highly anxious, raw nerve of a mother. I have crashed with exhaustion. Make that a year and a half if you include the pancreatic cancer diagnosis and decline.

What I wasn’t anticipating was that that the new relationship with my Mum would be so very different and actually quite difficult for me. Where I have actively chosen to be sanguine and accepting, to find joy in every daily (more than) memory - she just can’t and doesn’t. Memories make her cry. And I have to absorb that even though I have chosen a different path.

She has every right to her way, and her grief is different from mine but that doesn’t mean I don’t find it extremely difficult to actually be around her.

It’s why I am utterly fucked.

Solidarity to all x
 
And right at the anniversary point I am doing the admin on the tree she wants in the peace garden at the crematorium and what words on the plaque and words in the memorial books and EVERYTHING I would not be choosing to do left to my own devices. I don’t want that place to become a place in my life or in fact that date. It doesn’t have anything to do with his life or our lives. Fucks sake.
 
I guess just keep thinking that it will have to run out eventually. I’m sorry, I know what it’s like to simply not have the bandwidth to deal with your own grief, let alone anyone else’s.
 
I just have to plough on and rely on my resilience, after I stop feeling cooked.

I also feel profound guilt any time I allow myself to give way to saying this stuff “out loud”.
 
Can I ask a question to those of you with parents no longer with us..? I hope you don’t find offensive!

I have a friend who did something v lovely for me recently, she has lost both parents and gifted me something of theirs that she knew I loved/collected.
She talks about her parents often but doesn’t delve into the emotions of it very often and I don’t want to pry. But I want to get her a gift to say Thankyou…

I was thinking of making a small wreath for her parents graves, as a way to say Thankyou to them but also her - is this too emotional/personal? Or would you like the thought?
 
Stillwater said:
1 year anniversary on Sunday (just gone) and I am absolutely battered from a year of propping up my highly anxious, raw nerve of a mother. I have crashed with exhaustion. Make that a year and a half if you include the pancreatic cancer diagnosis and decline.

What I wasn’t anticipating was that that the new relationship with my Mum would be so very different and actually quite difficult for me. Where I have actively chosen to be sanguine and accepting, to find joy in every daily (more than) memory - she just can’t and doesn’t. Memories make her cry. And I have to absorb that even though I have chosen a different path.

She has every right to her way, and her grief is different from mine but that doesn’t mean I don’t find it extremely difficult to actually be around her.

It’s why I am utterly fucked.

Solidarity to all x
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I totally get this, my sister and I have dealt very differently with the grief of losing our mum and while I try to move on with life and enjoy things again, she drags me down with her negativity. Nothing can be happy because mum isn’t here. And it makes me feel like I’m awful for not missing her ‘enough’ you know? But while I do miss her, every day, and I do think of her and how much she’d love to see my kids etc, I also want to live my life and make some happy memories with my family while I have the chance.
My sister lives a complicated life (and she really is the unluckiest person I know, everything goes wrong for her) and our dad is draining so I get that she struggles. But I’m not our mum, I can’t hold her up through it, and I’m battered from trying for nearly 8 years. I honestly think when dad is gone that we won’t have much of a relationship, if any, because it’s just too hard.
 
skronkywildcat said:
We do have a choice… once the first year is over especially. You can choose to live and remember all the happiness and love your parent gave you or you can choose to wallow, to be frank. My mum would be really cross if I wallowed and I’m going to do my best not to.
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I try not to walllow but sometimes I can’t help feeling the overwhelming sadness ..And it knocks me for 6 😩😩
I think why my mum & dad ..I feel so different to people around me most of the time because of it jealous they arnt in my position ….
 
Stillwater said:
Taking on other people’s grief is very difficult but it’s also incredibly hard not to.
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It is really hard. And people don’t really get it; my husband always tells me to let her crack on and not worry about it, but that’s easier said than done when she’s on my case all day every day.
Purple star said:
I try not to walllow but sometimes I can’t help feeling the overwhelming sadness ..And it knocks me for 6 😩😩
I think why my mum & dad ..I feel so different to people around me most of the time because of it jealous they arnt in my position ….
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There’s a difference between wallowing and grieving. You of course will feel overwhelming sadness and jealousy, and anger and denial and heartbreak and happiness and hope and all of the emotions. It’s hard when you feel people don’t understand you, but we get it on here x
 
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