Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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qqwertyy said:
Thank you, I really do need something to stop the ruminating, it’s gonna finish me off. Two months feels like I should be getting better now, but then again I’ve never felt like this about a breakup before so it’s a bit of a shock to the system.
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I don't think there's a hard and fast rule for these things. It takes as long as it takes. I was with my last partner for about six months and it was a terrible relationship. Over 2 years later I'm still not over it, still think about him every day. I'm just hoping one day I'll stop 🤷‍♀️
 
Ah jeez I’m sorry, that’s exactly how I feel though, can’t imagine it not being on my mind. Maybe I’m just trying to rush myself because men in general seem to move on so quickly don’t they.

I cannot switch my brain off and I can’t even ‘find my anger’ or do the whole ‘boy bye’ / ‘thank you, next’ thing as nobody’s in the wrong, it’s just a sad situation.
 
HelloStereo said:
I think they do it so if it doesn't work out they can pick you back up again. I've had it happen before where a guy I was dating didn't tell me he got a girlfriend and then made excuses as to why he couldn't see me etc, then as soon as they broke up he was asking if I wanted to get a drink :rolleyes:
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Yeah I think that too tbh!! It’s such a massive turn off and I know they think they can come back. Nah mate ❌
 
I've had a bit of a tough time mentally lately and I've had a real breakthrough yesterday about how I say I'm doing the work, but tbh lately it's been lip service. I've not been looking after myself and I've realised right now I really need to get out of this desperation energy and focus on me. I'm going to take a break from dating, from casual sex, from all of it and really focus on myself, physically and mentally. I need to put myself first and look after myself rather than desperately seeking someone to look after me and save me from myself.
 
Thank(space)you said:
I've had a bit of a tough time mentally lately and I've had a real breakthrough yesterday about how I say I'm doing the work, but tbh lately it's been lip service. I've not been looking after myself and I've realised right now I really need to get out of this desperation energy and focus on me. I'm going to take a break from dating, from casual sex, from all of it and really focus on myself, physically and mentally. I need to put myself first and look after myself rather than desperately seeking someone to look after me and save me from myself.
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I feel this in my soul. Adele once said in an interview that one way to really know yourself is to stop drinking. I think hook up culture is similarly addictive and distracting. I took a break and really started to understand myself more. I'm loving your journey, loosing weight is tough and also quite stigmatised. Keep at it x
 
qqwertyy said:
Thank you, I really do need something to stop the ruminating, it’s gonna finish me off. Two months feels like I should be getting better now, but then again I’ve never felt like this about a breakup before so it’s a bit of a shock to the system.
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I am going through a break up too and I feel like it’s going to kill me. 6 years with someone who I suspect to be a narcissist yet I still love him and want to be be with him even though it will NEVER work. He’s still living in my house too and I’m having no luck in getting him to leave.
 
whoareyouu said:
I am going through a break up too and I feel like it’s going to kill me. 6 years with someone who I suspect to be a narcissist yet I still love him and want to be be with him even though it will NEVER work. He’s still living in my house too and I’m having no luck in getting him to leave.
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Does he have any rights to remain in your home e.g. tenancy agreement, rent paid to a certain date etc.? If not, you have every right to serve him notice and then change the locks. Your post suggests that he broke up with you so quite frankly he has no right to remain there and it will be much harder to move on if you’re expected to see him every day. CAB will be able to advise you of your rights to remove him.
 
No dates here either, I did try one app for a day or so but quickly deleted myself because my heart wasn't in it, and also because I instantly rejected 99.9% of men in my age bracket who were just so OLD looking!

Meanwhile I've got friends who have only been on a handful of dates over a few weeks/ months and already met their perfect men; it still baffles me how experiences can be so completely varied. It took me 4 years to get past a first date...
 
Lalla said:
Meanwhile I've got friends who have only been on a handful of dates over a few weeks/ months and already met their perfect men; it still baffles me how experiences can be so completely varied. It took me 4 years to get past a first date...
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this this and this! i have four friends/colleagues who went through breakups in feb-april, tried the apps over the summer and are now spending their first christmas with the absolute perfect man who they met on tinder and i’m like WHERE? did i download the wrong app?! is there a magical different tinder that i keep missing?!

i do think, like you say earlier in your post though, that my heart just isn’t in it anymore. i think i’ve accepted that it’s never happening for me at this point 🤦🏼‍♀️
 
I genuinely don’t know how anyone finds anyone on the apps, no one I talk to puts any effort in at all.

As we know the quality of men on them is awful and I used to think not one single woman would date some of these men. That is until I joined the are we dating the same guy groups, and these absolute creatures are not only dating multiple women, they are also treating these women like tit. An eye opener for sure
 
I think it’s also really important to take a step back sometimes and think, yes your friends may have found some decent guys (which is lovely if they have) but surface level information doesn’t always give you a full picture and it might be that even though they’re nice enough, they wouldn’t be (nor would their relationships be) something you would want/strive for.

A lot of people do settle.
 
@LaBlonde yes it's the same with my friends, even down to the Christmas plans.

One of them honestly met so many good quality men - ones who were polite, well mannered, with 'proper' grown up jobs (medical professional, accountant, headteacher etc) that if I didn't know her so well I would think she was making it up. I never encountered anyone with a degree, let alone a professional role! Tbh most of the men who I exchanged messages with seemed to be borderline illiterate. So wherever the stock surplus of all these intelligent, decent men is, it's not in South East London!

I think it's also a good point that people settle (I know many others who are in awful relationships, despite putting on smiles to the outside world) but also how do some people using dating apps just have a string of great dates, and only positive experiences? How do they never get ghosted or stood up, or verbally abused (or worse)?
 
Lalla said:
@LaBlonde yes it's the same with my friends, even down to the Christmas plans.

One of them honestly met so many good quality men - ones who were polite, well mannered, with 'proper' grown up jobs (medical professional, accountant, headteacher etc) that if I didn't know her so well I would think she was making it up. I never encountered anyone with a degree, let alone a professional role! Tbh most of the men who I exchanged messages with seemed to be borderline illiterate. So wherever the stock surplus of all these intelligent, decent men is, it's not in South East London!

I think it's also a good point that people settle (I know many others who are in awful relationships, despite putting on smiles to the outside world) but also how do some people using dating apps just have a string of great dates, and only positive experiences? How do they never get ghosted or stood up, or verbally abused (or worse)?
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same on all counts! i mean, i think both things can be true at once: a lot of people settle, a lot of people however don’t and sometimes those types of connections are things i want. and i think it’s completely valid for you (and me!) to sometimes wonder how other peoples’ dating experiences can be so different from your own, especially when you’re in the same dating pool age and location wise. but then peoples’ dating experiences have been different from mine my whole life so i am nothing if not consistent 🤣

i will say that the friends i talked about did also treat the apps like a second job which i just don’t have the energy or the mental strength for 🫠
 
Lalla said:
@LaBlonde

I think it's also a good point that people settle (I know many others who are in awful relationships, despite putting on smiles to the outside world) but also how do some people using dating apps just have a string of great dates, and only positive experiences? How do they never get ghosted or stood up, or verbally abused (or worse)?
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I think it is a mixture of luck and skill, tbh

Luck: the numbers game means some people will meet someone they are better matched with quicker and some slower entirely due to chance

BUT (without victim blaming) I think there is probably a bit of skill and strategy: a profile which attracts people who are looking for genuine interaction, being very clear in your priorities, cutting lose mediocre interactions quick, pausing dating when feeling burnt out (pushing through doesn't work - I think that might be why people are often successful early), being on the right app for your needs, being on more than one app. I think photos matter quite a bit - but more in looking like you are normal/presentable/have interests/not vain/ have friends than displays of wealth/being generically sexy.

Some things might factor in which are not in your control or affect matching: time of year, if you have kids, if you are religious or not, certain jobs

Were these people dating offline too? I think increasingly people are looking offline and that helps the tone around app dating too
 
al255 said:
I felt like I was going round in circles with the apps and men then I downloaded Facebook dating… the algorithm algorithm’d and I’ve nearly been with my partner for a year after 3 years of being single! There is hope 😅
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It was Facebook dating I joined. Not a great result here to be honest.

I am however, very glad it's all worked out for you ❤️
 
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