Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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freezelouise43 said:
thank you everyone for your input. ♥to add some context, I am the child of a violent alcoholic father who really didn’t want to be a dad. I wasn’t born pretty and was bullied horrifically for my looks (I had a big nose and funny teeth). They say BPD can start with a single, invalidating event. My mom did not go to the school and address the daily abuse I got as she thought it would be worse for me. I was spat on, kicked and called names. I felt like I had no one.
When i could afford plastic surgery I changed my entire face, but buying your looks doesn’t heal what’s inside. When I say validation , I still feel like the ugly kid at school who no one picked for PE. Thus, I have sought out emotionally unavailable men and tried to get with them as if I do end up getting someone who won’t commit, I must be ok? Right. I have no real self identity and feel things more intensely than others…I hope this makes sense. I know I’m like it, I just can’t seem to fix it 😭😭
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I'm so sorry if my comment felt like I was invalidating you and your experiences. I really didn't mean it to.

Whatever your diagnosis (and it is valid), I'd like you know that many of us feel similarly, even if we will never understand your pain and experience.

There are some things I can relate to and I'm sure there are things others will. I know what it's like to never feel enough.

I'm sorry again, I was trying to help with useful information.

I'm so sorry I was insensitive.

You don't deserve what happened to you. You seem like a truly decent person. Some people are just wankers.
 
TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo said:
I'm so sorry if my comment felt like I was invalidating you and your experiences. I really didn't mean it to.

Whatever your diagnosis (and it is valid), I'd like you know that many of us feel similarly, even if we will never understand your pain and experience.

There are some things I can relate to and I'm sure there are things others will. I know what it's like to never feel enough.

I'm sorry again, I was trying to help with useful information.

I'm so sorry I was insensitive.

You don't deserve what happened to you. You seem like a truly decent person. Some people are just wankers.
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Honestly please don’t apologise, I value everyone’s input whether it’s tough love or a sympathetic word, or simply a different perspective ♥️🙏🏻
 
freezelouise43 said:
thank you everyone for your input. ♥to add some context, I am the child of a violent alcoholic father who really didn’t want to be a dad. I wasn’t born pretty and was bullied horrifically for my looks (I had a big nose and funny teeth). They say BPD can start with a single, invalidating event. My mom did not go to the school and address the daily abuse I got as she thought it would be worse for me. I was spat on, kicked and called names. I felt like I had no one.
When i could afford plastic surgery I changed my entire face, but buying your looks doesn’t heal what’s inside. When I say validation , I still feel like the ugly kid at school who no one picked for PE. Thus, I have sought out emotionally unavailable men and tried to get with them as if I do end up getting someone who won’t commit, I must be ok? Right. I have no real self identity and feel things more intensely than others…I hope this makes sense. I know I’m like it, I just can’t seem to fix it 😭😭
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Be kind to yourself, I'm so sorry you've had this awful experience. I am having EMDR for childhood trauma to allow my brain to reprocess those memories to see that I am enough as I am. I hope one day soon you'll be able to see you're perfectly enough as you are and have that self validation which is so important.
 
I know this is going to get mixed opinions but my ex has unblocked me on Snapchat and instagram. However my number and Facebook are still blocked. I have created a new Facebook though for a fresh start without all the memories on my previous one.

I still love him. It’s only been a few months that we’ve been apart. Do I wait for him to contact me? Or do I message him?
 
SheMyBestie said:
I know this is going to get mixed opinions but my ex has unblocked me on Snapchat and instagram. However my number and Facebook are still blocked. I have created a new Facebook though for a fresh start without all the memories on my previous one.

I still love him. It’s only been a few months that we’ve been apart. Do I wait for him to contact me? Or do I message him?
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I'd wait. I think some of these apps can auto unblock people, possibly linked to when they update or something so he might not have actively unblocked you.

In the meantime it gives you chance to think about what you might want to gain from speaking with him. Is reconciliation a possibility? How did things end? Did he treat you well etc.
 
TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo said:
I'd wait. I think some of these apps can auto unblock people, possibly linked to when they update or something so he might not have actively unblocked you.

In the meantime it gives you chance to think about what you might want to gain from speaking with him. Is reconciliation a possibility? How did things end? Did he treat you well etc.
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He’s recently just come out of a rebound relationship and has put his Facebook profile to single.

He’s also accepted my friends follow request from the summer the day I noticed he’d unblocked me. So I don’t know if that means something?
 
SheMyBestie said:
I know this is going to get mixed opinions but my ex has unblocked me on Snapchat and instagram. However my number and Facebook are still blocked. I have created a new Facebook though for a fresh start without all the memories on my previous one.

I still love him. It’s only been a few months that we’ve been apart. Do I wait for him to contact me? Or do I message him?
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No you don’t contact him. Block him and stop checking whether he’s blocked you or not. If it’s been a few months it’s time to move on.
 
SheMyBestie said:
He’s recently just come out of a rebound relationship and has put his Facebook profile to single.

He’s also accepted my friends follow request from the summer the day I noticed he’d unblocked me. So I don’t know if that means something?
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It means you need to be really careful and very level headed. I know nothing about your situation obviously but it just seems an odd way for him to go about things. He should just contact you if he feels it was a mistake splitting up etc.
 
God, I'm feeling rejected by men at the moment.
This lad that I went on a first date with, saw each other briefly hasn't texted me back since Friday night which isn't like him. He had a funeral on Thursday and he said it was a rough day. I'm not one into games, or tit for tat like oh I messaged first last time, he's got to message. But part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt for not messaging due the funeral BUT I can't help but think lack of messages is due to him going to call it off soon.
Then someone i thought i had a friendship with, isn't messaging me back either.
 
whathastheworldcometo said:
I think another factor to consider is that emotionally it is always easier for the person that is leaving rather than the person staying behind.

On the other hand, you told him what you were looking for (more exchange beyond one-word phrases).

Maybe you could set up a FaceTime or Skype call and talk to him about it if you want to give him a chance to explain his feelings and to change his communication style.

Also, telling someone once might not be sufficient. A change management rule says that communication needs to be repeated seven times before it is fully understood, whilst this sounds extreme, it might be that just telling him once is not enough for him to understand your frustration.
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There’ve been a few heart to hearts, talk of him wanting to see me again and of him taking time off work so we could have a proper holiday together, improved communication (although not back to the standard it started at) and I even felt partly responsible for how bad it had gotten (I had pulled away in response to what I deemed to be his lacklustre effort).

Tonight he put another woman’s name in my message 😂😂😂 “I mispelled your name because l’m tired” …. and it just magically turned into another woman’s name with barely a shared vowel 😂😂😂

None of them are worth a carrot
 
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Por Que? said:
There’ve been a few heart to hearts, talk of him wanting to see me again and of him taking time off work so we could have a proper holiday together, improved communication (although not back to the standard it started at) and I even felt partly responsible for how bad it had gotten (I had pulled away in response to what I deemed to be his lacklustre effort).

Tonight he put another woman’s name in my message 😂😂😂 “I mispelled your name because l’m tired” …. and it just magically turned into another woman’s name with barely a shared vowel 😂😂😂

None of them are worth a carrot
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‘If he wanted to, he would’ springs to mind. Men like this are just looking for an ego boost, which your messages deliver without him having to make much effort. And him calling you by another woman’s name is not funny, it’s so disrespectful and instead of laughing it off you’d be better served ignoring him.
 
Por Que? said:
There’ve been a few heart to hearts, talk of him wanting to see me again and of him taking time off work so we could have a proper holiday together, improved communication (although not back to the standard it started at) and I even felt partly responsible for how bad it had gotten (I had pulled away in response to what I deemed to be his lacklustre effort).

Tonight he put another woman’s name in my message 😂😂😂 “I mispelled your name because l’m tired” …. and it just magically turned into another woman’s name with barely a shared vowel 😂😂😂

None of them are worth a carrot
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Wow, what a bleep move. I am glad it sounds like you recognise he is just insulting you to your face (both the name and the wet lie afterwards)

Please block, delete and move on
 
Ohnoshebettadont said:
‘If he wanted to, he would’ springs to mind. Men like this are just looking for an ego boost, which your messages deliver without him having to make much effort. And him calling you by another woman’s name is not funny, it’s so disrespectful and instead of laughing it off you’d be better served ignoring him.
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You’ve misunderstood, I’m not laughing it off, he is being ignored
 
Saw this comment on a tiktok of someone who was ghosted after one date and thought I'd share.

Screenshot_20241125_232440_TikTok.jpg


Also Shawnda is a good follow. She gives helpful relationship and female empowerment commentary without sounding bitter or unreasonable.
 
freezelouise43 said:
Is anyone else just…done? Like mentally checked out, can’t be bothered anymore? The hurt and the disrespect might have stopped (because I stopped it) but I feel numb like I’m just going from day to day feeling nothing
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A little. I try and see the current phase I am as 'healing and safe', even if it is a little detached.

I feel jealous of those who have good steady relationships, even exes I know are terrible, abusive people. Some elements of this life are still difficult (making plans for holiday, affording things). I try and take off knowing what is tricky I also have control of

Being single is still very stigmatised. I think the chances of finding a good healthy relationship are lower with age, and the men left are often addicts/liars/cheaters/abusive.
 
smartalec said:
A little. I try and see the current phase I am as 'healing and safe', even if it is a little detached.

I feel jealous of those who have good steady relationships, even exes I know are terrible, abusive people. Some elements of this life are still difficult (making plans for holiday, affording things). I try and take off knowing what is tricky I also have control of

Being single is still very stigmatised. I think the chances of finding a good healthy relationship are lower with age, and the men left are often addicts/liars/cheaters/abusive.
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♥️ totally agree, I think as we go into the Christmas period it can feel very isolating as well…I am totally skint after the last disaster 😂😂xx
 
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