Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

[IGiveUp22]

I’m not sure if I’ve said before but I suffer with traits of BPD so I struggle with cutting people off who validate me, and I’m not good at saying how I feel…I’m so sorry, I know I’m a doormat I’m just in a bad place now with a credit card bill I didn’t need

I’ve just read your update. I’m really sorry this has happened and I know it’s easier said than done but try not to beat yourself up.

I do however think, and I know you know this, you need to stay away from this man.

He does absolutely nothing for you in terms of emotional support, yes the sex might be “amazing” but is it really? You’re worth more than a transactional exchange with a man that quite frankly, sounds like an absolute waste.

You need to reframe your thinking about how this man and his actions are completely unattractive. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

 

[freezelouise43]

I hope you’re okay!

My narc ex did this so much - he did it once to me after he conveniently had his card stolen the week before we went on holiday so I had no choice but to pay for the hotel upon arrival.

He also did this the multiple girls after we split. On one occasion he even paid it and then hounded the girl for “her half” which wasn’t the agreement.

Please never ever see this person ever again. I would make one attempt to get my money back from him but if no joy, put it down to a financial loss and a hard lesson to learn because you do not want a man like this anywhere near you/your life. It only gets worse

Thank you for sharing I’m so so sorry this has happened to you. I blocked him, not really even sure there was any need he won’t contact me now. I could shame him to my friends that know him, but I’m not really a dramatic person and I don’t want to look stupid
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First thing's first. Are you getting help to live with BPD? Your friend moving is a big thing.

Have you heard from him this week?

I was told in 2017 I met the spectrum for for it, but not the full condition. There are some books on audible that I’ve been listening to to help- DBT. No he hasn’t even texted, I’ve blocked him because I’m too upset to even tell him how I feel. Yes my friend moving really hurt and she texted but she didn’t come and say goodbye or anything xx
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I’ve just read your update. I’m really sorry this has happened and I know it’s easier said than done but try not to beat yourself up.

I do however think, and I know you know this, you need to stay away from this man.

He does absolutely nothing for you in terms of emotional support, yes the sex might be “amazing” but is it really? You’re worth more than a transactional exchange with a man that quite frankly, sounds like an absolute waste.

You need to reframe your thinking about how this man and his actions are completely unattractive. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

Thank you, I think I’m still in shock that it got this bad for me to realise. I feel like I basically paid for sex and that feels awful

 

[IGiveUp22]

@freezelouise43 well done for blocking him, I think that’s the right action to do imo.

I can completely understand how you would feel that way about being paid to have sex. I think there is probably a time in all our lives where we may have all felt similar whether it was feeling like we’ve been “paid” for sex or just purely being completely used for that alone. I know I’ve been there in the past. It’s a horrible feeling and you definitely blame yourself a lot.

As crappy as this might sound, maybe this needed to happen for you to see the writing on the wall. Again, I’m sure a lot of us have been in situations where you put yourself through things/go back until they do something and it just clicks that they’re worth tit.

Please please take some time to yourself to process this, and how you’ve been treated. If you have a therapist, please speak to them too.
And once you have processed this, please never ever speak to him. Forgive in private for your own mental health but never utter another word to him.

 

[freezelouise43]

@freezelouise43 well done for blocking him, I think that’s the right action to do imo.

I can completely understand how you would feel that way about being paid to have sex. I think there is probably a time in all our lives where we may have all felt similar whether it was feeling like we’ve been “paid” for sex or just purely being completely used for that alone. I know I’ve been there in the past. It’s a horrible feeling and you definitely blame yourself a lot.

As crappy as this might sound, maybe this needed to happen for you to see the writing on the wall. Again, I’m sure a lot of us have been in situations where you put yourself through things/go back until they do something and it just clicks that they’re worth tit.

Please please take some time to yourself to process this, and how you’ve been treated. If you have a therapist, please speak to them too.
And once you have processed this, please never ever speak to him. Forgive in private for your own mental health but never utter another word to him.

Thank you I feel so utterly low I blocked him because I couldn’t stand to look at a blank screen because it was constantly reinforcing how worthless I feel. I feel better after blocking him and I stoped lying to my friend I met him through that he paid. I told her I didn’t want it to go any further and she was to not cause any issues or tell anyone but just so she knew what a piece of tit he is xx

 

[qqwertyy]

@freezelouise43 I know it doesn’t help but we’ve all been there doing daft things when it comes to exes, you’re not the first and won’t be the last. It’s easy for an outsider to say but this says more about him than you. I’m currently getting over (trying to ) a situationship, so just offering solidarity even though I have no answers! But I get how bloody hard it is. X

 

[Kitty kat 20]

Sending love to you @freezelouise43 we"re all here for you.

 

[freezelouise43]

Thank you everyone it means such a lot I think what I’m struggling with most, is that this isn’t someone who’s been dragged up with no manners, it’s basic human decency to offer to pay your share- you wouldn’t go into a pub with colleagues and let them buy everything all night- you’d worry what they thought. So the crux of the upset is that I’m not even afforded that courtesy. Like he could have said “give me your bank details I’ll transfer you my share” and left the room and not bothered with me again. It would have been a disappointment, but at least he’d done the right thing. He knows I’m working 2 jobs to pay dental bills and ok I have a nice car and nice things but surely something inside you thinks “she doesn’t deserve this”?
That’s were it’s worse because baseline fears with BPD are being unlovable and unworthy xx

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I am sorry you feel so bad, but maybe you could reframe the situation as an opportunity.

i think the best thing you could spend your money on right now is good therapy. You previously said that you like nice things, like business class flights and cosmetics, but the best investment is in your own growth.

If you find a good therapist you could get to the root of your low self-worth and find a way to improve it. By next summer you might be a new person

 

[freezelouise43]

I am sorry you feel so bad, but maybe you could reframe the situation as an opportunity.

i think the best thing you could spend your money on right now is good therapy. You previously said that you like nice things, like business class flights and cosmetics, but the best investment is in your own growth.

If you find a good therapist you could get to the root of your low self-worth and find a way to improve it. By next summer you might be a new person

I have had therapy after my previous attempts n my life, then I seem to be ok for a few years abc then I hit rock bottom, I need DBT which I can look at paying for after I’ve finished my teeth xx

 

[HelloStereo]

Thank you ♥ I feel so utterly low I blocked him because I couldn’t stand to look at a blank screen because it was constantly reinforcing how worthless I feel. I feel better after blocking him and I stoped lying to my friend I met him through that he paid. I told her I didn’t want it to go any further and she was to not cause any issues or tell anyone but just so she knew what a piece of tit he is xx

Your worth isn't dependent on what other people think of you or how they treat you. This man doesn't sound very nice and from your post it does not sound like you found very much of the evening spent together enjoyable. It doesn't sound like the date ended with you getting any sense of fulfilment from it - and why would you want to spend precious moments of your life with someone who doesn't at all make you happy.

I know how hurtful it can be to make an effort with dressing up, conversation etc and feel like the other person has completely checked out. One time I went on a date with a guy I knew quite well and I was so looking forward to it. I made all the dinner bookings, and booked a table at a wine bar I knew he'd love. He spent the entire date glued to his mobile phone, showing me screenshots of conversations he was having with his female "friends". I was so hurt that someone I was making a lot of effort for was not matching my energy.

In the end you can't force someone to be a certain way or treat you a certain way, no matter how you treat them or who you are, and that's no reflection on you. It might be cliche but eventually you do tire of it and end up wondering to yourself why you made so much of an effort and expended so much emotional energy in the first place.

 

[freezelouise43]

Your worth isn't dependent on what other people think of you or how they treat you. This man doesn't sound very nice and from your post it does not sound like you found very much of the evening spent together enjoyable. It doesn't sound like the date ended with you getting any sense of fulfilment from it - and why would you want to spend precious moments of your life with someone who doesn't at all make you happy.

I know how hurtful it can be to make an effort with dressing up, conversation etc and feel like the other person has completely checked out. One time I went on a date with a guy I knew quite well and I was so looking forward to it. I made all the dinner bookings, and booked a table at a wine bar I knew he'd love. He spent the entire date glued to his mobile phone, showing me screenshots of conversations he was having with his female "friends". I was so hurt that someone I was making a lot of effort for was not matching my energy.

In the end you can't force someone to be a certain way or treat you a certain way, no matter how you treat them or who you are, and that's no reflection on you. It might be cliche but eventually you do tire of it and end up wondering to yourself why you made so much of an effort and expended so much emotional energy in the first place.

That’s horrible that he did that, I’m so sorry it feels awful doesn’t it? It’s my own fault also, I put so much expectation into being the perfect companion for that evening that he would magically wake up in love with me- that was 100% my biggest mistake. He’s messed around with my head a lot, he has never told me he’s not interested he’s sat on the fence which has caused me to “work harder” to win some sort of prize. He also told me about the girl he was seeing previously and unfortunately I know who she is and she’s gorgeous…that made the evening even worse. I think I’ll just be happy with my little dog. With BPD it’s quite hard to have a healthy relationship as we tend to push good people away, in a test to see if they really like us. Hopefully one day I’ll not feel this way but plenty of self healing needed- I can do it, I’ve done it before

 

[HelloStereo]

That’s horrible that he did that, I’m so sorry it feels awful doesn’t it? It’s my own fault also, I put so much expectation into being the perfect companion for that evening that he would magically wake up in love with me- that was 100% my biggest mistake. He’s messed around with my head a lot, he has never told me he’s not interested he’s sat on the fence which has caused me to “work harder” to win some sort of prize. He also told me about the girl he was seeing previously and unfortunately I know who she is and she’s gorgeous…that made the evening even worse. I think I’ll just be happy with my little dog. With BPD it’s quite hard to have a healthy relationship as we tend to push good people away, in a test to see if they really like us. Hopefully one day I’ll not feel this way but plenty of self healing needed- I can do it, I’ve done it before

100% I can relate. Sometimes you live in your own head about what you think the relationship will be like or present them how you want them to act instead of focusing on what's actually happening and how they're really treating you. People being honest with you either way is a kindness, him being ambiguous about how he feels is not for your benefit. He does it because he knows you will stay around.

Wishing you all the strength with your self healing x

 

[Olgivy]

That’s horrible that he did that, I’m so sorry it feels awful doesn’t it? It’s my own fault also, I put so much expectation into being the perfect companion for that evening that he would magically wake up in love with me- that was 100% my biggest mistake. He’s messed around with my head a lot, he has never told me he’s not interested he’s sat on the fence which has caused me to “work harder” to win some sort of prize. He also told me about the girl he was seeing previously and unfortunately I know who she is and she’s gorgeous…that made the evening even worse. I think I’ll just be happy with my little dog. With BPD it’s quite hard to have a healthy relationship as we tend to push good people away, in a test to see if they really like us. Hopefully one day I’ll not feel this way but plenty of self healing needed- I can do it, I’ve done it before

Everyone will no doubt disagree, but I don’t really believe in BPD as a disorder. The vast majority of people being diagnosed with it are women (funny that), and the symptoms of it are literally a rebranded version of “hysteria” there is so much controversy around it, as well as DBT as a therapeutic modality. I don’t say this to invalidate you, but rather to reassure you that you don’t deserve this treatment. I don’t know you obviously, but I doubt very much there is anything wrong with your personality. You sound like you just want to be loved, and there is nothing wrong with that. But, you are looking for it in the wrong places. You are going to keep getting hurt like this, if you don’t take a break, and focus on yourself.


FWIW, I also thought there was something wrong with my personality at one point, only to find out all of my “erratic behaviours” disappeared when I made a commitment to myself, that I wouldn’t tolerate toxic people in my life anymore. Literally overnight, I started feeling more balanced, less up and down, more peaceful, significantly less inclined to lose my tit. I know you know. As soon as I engage with toxic family members (rarely), I find myself ruminating again, raising my voice, ready to “explain.” It’s almost instantaneous. I’m not telling you who you are, only you know yourself. But just thought I’d throw this out there…

What are you going to do differently next time? He is going to keep treating you with more and more disrespect, until you are completely drained. He is not going to suddenly have an epiphany and think you are his soulmate. Let him go. Seriously.

I also think you need to sit with this belief that you can’t let people go who validate you. What’s your definition of validation? Because I can’t see how he has validated you here. In fact all I see is the complete opposite.

 

[blueblue]

Everyone will no doubt disagree, but I don’t really believe in BPD as a disorder. The vast majority of people being diagnosed with it are women (funny that), and the symptoms of it are literally a rebranded version of “hysteria” there is so much controversy around it, as well as DBT as a therapeutic modality. I don’t say this to invalidate you, but rather to reassure you that you don’t deserve this treatment. I don’t know you obviously, but I doubt very much there is anything wrong with your personality. You sound like you just want to be loved, and there is nothing wrong with that. But, you are looking for it in the wrong places. You are going to keep getting hurt like this, if you don’t take a break, and focus on yourself.


FWIW, I also thought there was something wrong with my personality at one point, only to find out all of my “erratic behaviours” disappeared when I made a commitment to myself, that I wouldn’t tolerate toxic people in my life anymore. Literally overnight, I started feeling more balanced, less up and down, more peaceful, significantly less inclined to lose my tit. I know you know. As soon as I engage with toxic family members (rarely), I find myself ruminating again, raising my voice, ready to “explain.” It’s almost instantaneous. I’m not telling you who you are, only you know yourself. But just thought I’d throw this out there…

What are you going to do differently next time? He is going to keep treating you with more and more disrespect, until you are completely drained. He is not going to suddenly have an epiphany and think you are his soulmate. Let him go. Seriously.

I also think you need to sit with this belief that you can’t let people go who validate you. What’s your definition of validation? Because I can’t see how he has validated you here. In fact all I see is the complete opposite.

With love and respect, it's a clinically diagnosed illness with a significant criteria threshold. You wouldn't really say to someone with lived experience of schizophrenia that you "don't believe in it" would you?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Everyone will no doubt disagree, but I don’t really believe in BPD as a disorder. The vast majority of people being diagnosed with it are women (funny that), and the symptoms of it are literally a rebranded version of “hysteria” there is so much controversy around it, as well as DBT as a therapeutic modality. I don’t say this to invalidate you, but rather to reassure you that you don’t deserve this treatment. I don’t know you obviously, but I doubt very much there is anything wrong with your personality. You sound like you just want to be loved, and there is nothing wrong with that. But, you are looking for it in the wrong places. You are going to keep getting hurt like this, if you don’t take a break, and focus on yourself.


FWIW, I also thought there was something wrong with my personality at one point, only to find out all of my “erratic behaviours” disappeared when I made a commitment to myself, that I wouldn’t tolerate toxic people in my life anymore. Literally overnight, I started feeling more balanced, less up and down, more peaceful, significantly less inclined to lose my tit. I know you know. As soon as I engage with toxic family members (rarely), I find myself ruminating again, raising my voice, ready to “explain.” It’s almost instantaneous. I’m not telling you who you are, only you know yourself. But just thought I’d throw this out there…

What are you going to do differently next time? He is going to keep treating you with more and more disrespect, until you are completely drained. He is not going to suddenly have an epiphany and think you are his soulmate. Let him go. Seriously.

I also think you need to sit with this belief that you can’t let people go who validate you. What’s your definition of validation? Because I can’t see how he has validated you here. In fact all I see is the complete opposite.

I'd like to add to your first paragraph...

A large majority of BPD diagnoses in women are incorrect and they are instead neurodivergent; autistic usually but with co-morbid adhd amongst other things. There's a lot of research online available to support this if anyone was interested or felt it resonated with them etc.

ETA: Like everything, this won't apply to everyone but it might be helpful to know about.

 

[LaBlonde]

With love and respect, it's a clinically diagnosed illness with a significant criteria threshold. You wouldn't really say to someone with lived experience of schizophrenia that you "don't believe in it" would you?

wholeheartedly agree. guys, respectfully, can we not go down this route?! it’s not fair to the OP (who has already had a horrible experience) at all and is genuinely getting into uncomfortable territory.

 

[Olgivy]

With love and respect, it's a clinically diagnosed illness with a significant criteria threshold. You wouldn't really say to someone with lived experience of schizophrenia that you "don't believe in it" would you?

I am not convinced it has a significant criteria threshold based on how common it’s misdiagnosed. People are not being misdiagnosed as schizophrenic frequently, as far as I am aware? Without outing myself, I’ve worked in the field of psychiatry/psychology and the amount of people who were diagnosed this, and then diagnosed something else months/years later is what caused me to not believe in the validity of the disorder…

Being misdiagnosed this can also be very detrimental to women long term, especially women who are just simply accessing primary care services afterwards. It’s almost as if the “BPD” label acts like a negative marker on someone’s medical history, which can sometimes make it difficult to get concerns taken seriously too.

I knew people would disagree with my stance on this, and that’s fine. But I did say in my post, that only Freezelouise knows herself, and I was just throwing something out there for her to consider. She can take what applies to her, and disregard the rest. We are all adults here.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Well rather than feeling sorry for myself I'm spending an evening on my lonesome I'm reminding myself that I don't want any of the relationships my friends are in

Also, has anyone tried or is in the burn the haystack method/group?

 

[Olgivy]

I'd like to add to your first paragraph...

A large majority of BPD diagnoses in women are incorrect and they are instead neurodivergent; autistic usually but with co-morbid adhd amongst other things. There's a lot of research online available to support this if anyone was interested or felt it resonated with them etc.

ETA: Like everything, this won't apply to everyone but it might be helpful to know about.

Yes. This matches what I’ve researched and experienced too.

 

[freezelouise43]

thank you everyone for your input. to add some context, I am the child of a violent alcoholic father who really didn’t want to be a dad. I wasn’t born pretty and was bullied horrifically for my looks (I had a big nose and funny teeth). They say BPD can start with a single, invalidating event. My mom did not go to the school and address the daily abuse I got as she thought it would be worse for me. I was spat on, kicked and called names. I felt like I had no one.
When i could afford plastic surgery I changed my entire face, but buying your looks doesn’t heal what’s inside. When I say validation , I still feel like the ugly kid at school who no one picked for PE. Thus, I have sought out emotionally unavailable men and tried to get with them as if I do end up getting someone who won’t commit, I must be ok? Right. I have no real self identity and feel things more intensely than others…I hope this makes sense. I know I’m like it, I just can’t seem to fix it