Dating after lockdown #38 midnight messages from the ghost of boyfriends past

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Olgivy said:
He met someone else, that fell through so he pulled out his fallback card, aka you.

Not only did he gaslight you and deflect responsibility by telling you that “you wind yourself up for no reason” he has now set the ball in motion for you to accept this treatment going forward.

You are now in abusive man territory.

Personally, I’d block and never look back. Do you still think you are the exception?
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With respect, you don't know that for certain.

However, I am worried for you Bonbon (a few of us on here are). I'm not sure this relationship will make you happy and you deserve happiness.
 
It sounds quite manipulative. He's apologised (easy to do, and was it an actual apology, or more of a I'm sorry this upset you? Because the latter isn't actually an apology at all) and now expects to continue as though nothing has changed.
Except it has changed because he's now said effectively that this is what he's like, and he's not going to bother to change. So the next time he goes to ground, if you get upset he can just say well, I told you this is how I am 🤷‍♀️ and then he'll make out that you're the one in the wrong for being upset.

I don't like this man at all. No man is better than someone who has plainly demonstrated that he isn't that bothered about how you think or feel.
 
TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo said:
With respect, you don't know that for certain.

However, I am worried for you Bonbon (a few of us on here are). I'm not sure this relationship will make you happy and you deserve happiness.
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You are right, I don’t know his specific circumstances. But what I am 100% certain about, is the male psychology.

My instinct/intuition has never been proven wrong yet.

Men will often use the “I was busy” card when there is another woman somewhere. But men always find the time for what they truly want.
 
Ah thank you, don't worry about me. It's a bit tit but I'll survive.

I either make a decision to end things and take the pain now, or believe him and potentially take the pain later! It all sounds so simple to just cut contact, but it does take some strength to do that.

I'm definitely in a bit of limbo right now.
 
I think there is sometimes a tendency to project the own behaviours onto others, eg "I will withdraw but I let other people know, so everybody will be able to do this". But this isn't the case. I went through a legal process with an employee who could not do it and spoke to his psychologist.
Everyone has their own limitations. There will also people who will say "If I am overwhelmed I get support from my friends and lover, so it does not make sense for other people to withdraw and they should stop doing it."
But everyone is different.

It is fair to say that his behaviour is not great, but Bonbon76 now has the option to let go of this casual relationship if she wants to.
He apologised and at the same time explained that this is what he is like.
So she can consider it and make a decision based on these facts.

People do not need to behave how we want them to. And if we do not like how they behave we can leave.

It is down to him if he wants to change and it is down to BonBon76 to decide what she is willing to tolerate.
 
TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo said:
With respect, you don't know that for certain.

However, I am worried for you Bonbon (a few of us on here are). I'm not sure this relationship will make you happy and you deserve happiness.
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yeah i don’t think it’s helpful to state things like that as absolute fact when we just don’t know.

@Bonbon76 - it is completely your decision. however, my main concern would be that he hasn’t given any indication that this sort of retreating won’t happen again, despite being told how it made you feel. believing him is fine but he doesn’t appear to have taken your feelings on board and i think that’s what is worrying people here.
 
Bonbon76 said:
Ah thank you, don't worry about me. It's a bit tit but I'll survive.

I either make a decision to end things and take the pain now, or believe him and potentially take the pain later! It all sounds so simple to just cut contact, but it does take some strength to do that.

I'm definitely in a bit of limbo right now.
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You will survive, trust me and trust yourself. Clearly you need to decide for yourself but what I've learned is to believe someone by their actions rather than words. If you look at his actions, is he someone you want to be with?
 
I absolutely want to be with him but not sure my nervous system can cope. Last week was horrible. I didn't message him either to be fair, so am I at fault for letting my thoughts run away with me?

Maybe I should have dropped a message and all would have been cleared up.
 
Bonbon76 said:
I absolutely want to be with him but not sure my nervous system can cope. Last week was horrible. I didn't message him either to be fair, so am I at fault for letting my thoughts run away with me?

Maybe I should have dropped a message and all would have been cleared up.
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Ummmm wait what? You said HE ghosted YOU. How has this all been twisted since meeting him so you’re now blaming yourself and saying you should have messaged him AGAIN
 
Bonbon76 said:
I absolutely want to be with him but not sure my nervous system can cope. Last week was horrible. I didn't message him either to be fair, so am I at fault for letting my thoughts run away with me?

Maybe I should have dropped a message and all would have been cleared up.
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What made you think at the time that he had ghosted you?
 
whathastheworldcometo said:
What made you think at the time that he had ghosted you?
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We'd had a couple of brief messages but I could tell he didn't want to chat. We had said we would meet and then just nothing else. I didn't message him because I had sensed from his brief messages that his head was elsewhere. But I didn't say expressly "what's going on?" or "are we meeting?"

He was definitely responding but very brief and shutting all conversation down before silence.
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Rayne said:
Ummmm wait what? You said HE ghosted YOU. How has this all been twisted since meeting him so you’re now blaming yourself and saying you should have messaged him AGAIN
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I don't know how people do this! I like to think I'm quite switched on too.
 
Bonbon76 said:
We'd had a couple of brief messages but I could tell he didn't want to chat. We had said we would meet and then just nothing else. I didn't message him because I had sensed from his brief messages that his head was elsewhere. But I didn't say expressly "what's going on?" or "are we meeting?"

He was definitely responding but very brief and shutting all conversation down before silence.
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Instead of being short with you and making you work out the clues, that was HIS opportunity to say "I'm going through a lot, I might not message for a bit/lets not meet for now. I'll get back in touch".

Evidently, he was still capable of making some conversation, which is quite different from him saying he withdraws.
 
Bonbon76 said:
We'd had a couple of brief messages but I could tell he didn't want to chat. We had said we would meet and then just nothing else. I didn't message him because I had sensed from his brief messages that his head was elsewhere. But I didn't say expressly "what's going on?" or "are we meeting?"

He was definitely responding but very brief and shutting all conversation down before silence.
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I don't know how people do this! I like to think I'm quite switched on too.
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Hm, he most definitely could have told you that he was struggling and needed time to himself. But he didn't / couldn't.
This is now water under the bridge anyway.

You could always ask him to talk about this situation again and tell him what you would have needed and try to suss out if he is capable of providing it.
 
Olgivy said:
This is what happens when a man manipulates a woman. She ends up gaslighting herself. There is nothing anyone can say on this thread to convince her otherwise. She wants to be with him 🤷‍♀️
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Totally. Lots of us have been there, it is clear on the outside. The idea of taking the pain now or later she expressed is SO familiar (see you in a few years when you are emotionally draining and staring at the wasted years)

Bonbon76 said:
I don't know how people do this! I like to think I'm quite switched on too.
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I think you know it is wrong and he is gaslighting you. When you brought up his behaviour, it got twisted into you not badgering him to draw him out. If you had, he would say you were pushing him away and nagging.

whathastheworldcometo said:
You could always ask him to talk about this situation again and tell him what you would have needed and try to suss out if he is capable of providing it.
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She did this already. She said "He did apologise. I said how it had left me feeling. There was definitely no promise that he felt he could change." That is definite. Also, it is not an apology when he says it will happen again.

I say all this with care: saying you are not experienced at dating or need a psychology degree is just a cope/ denial. If a friend said they needed a psychology degree to cope with a partner you would realise it is a giant red flag.

A relationship is something to look forward to, where you feel supported and the exchange is equal.
 
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