Dating after lockdown #37 - One thing men are consistent with is the AUDACITY.

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So j posted asking for advice the other day. Just wanted to give another update.
He’s been really hot and cold this week & he was talking to me for a bit last night & asked me what his plans were. Im paraphrasing here but He told me “he was having a shower and dressed at his friends house and they’re taking him to a posh restaurant”

So I read this as a date basically. He asked my plans were and asked if I was going to be at this club later, using my chat line that I told him about lol so I said “why you gonna be there? 😉” then I added on “depends on how well your date goes eh…”

he didn’t read it, then wasn’t online at all (I checked lol) and still hasn’t responded. And I am mad if he’s basically told me he’s going on a date. And I have NO clue what he’s doing this weekend when he said “he had a lots on this weekend”

I TRIED to go with the flow but I am not a river!!

so I’ve sent him this message- Hey- I know you said you’ve got a lot on today but I wanted to message because I’m starting to overthink what you said last night & I feel this has started feeling different and if something has changed, I’d rather just know.

He still hasn’t read it but he’s been online 😔🙃

I must sound like a bunny boiler/obsessive but we’ve had sex and he’s been hot and cold and I thought he wouldn’t be like this.
 
boomska said:
So j posted asking for advice the other day. Just wanted to give another update.
He’s been really hot and cold this week & he was talking to me for a bit last night & asked me what his plans were. Im paraphrasing here but He told me “he was having a shower and dressed at his friends house and they’re taking him to a posh restaurant”

So I read this as a date basically. He asked my plans were and asked if I was going to be at this club later, using my chat line that I told him about lol so I said “why you gonna be there? 😉” then I added on “depends on how well your date goes eh…”

he didn’t read it, then wasn’t online at all (I checked lol) and still hasn’t responded. And I am mad if he’s basically told me he’s going on a date. And I have NO clue what he’s doing this weekend when he said “he had a lots on this weekend”

I TRIED to go with the flow but I am not a river!!

so I’ve sent him this message- Hey- I know you said you’ve got a lot on today but I wanted to message because I’m starting to overthink what you said last night & I feel this has started feeling different and if something has changed, I’d rather just know.

He still hasn’t read it but he’s been online 😔🙃

I must sound like a bunny boiler/obsessive but we’ve had sex and he’s been hot and cold and I thought he wouldn’t be like this.
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Actions. Actions. Actions.

He is showing you what he feels about you. There is nothing to question about his behaviour. Look at his actions, and BELIEVE what his actions are telling you about his feelings/intentions towards you. Yes, BELIEVE them even if it feels crappy.

There is no fairytale here. Just a man playing games with you, because he knows he can.

He absolutely read your messages. My phone shows me them on my notifications without having to actually click on it. Yes, he went on a date. Yes he is weighing up his options. Why are you sitting around waiting to be picked?

What has he actually given you, to deserve having sex with you? A few words of validation? I’m assuming that’s what you mean when you say he is blowing hot and cold.

When a man blows hot and cold, the cold is who he really is and the hot is just part of the game plan to manipulate you for his own agenda.

If you know you get like this once you have had sex with a guy, maybe it’s best to wait much, much, longer?

Are you obsessing over texts because you have abandonment wounds? Do you know what your vulnerabilities are? Dating should only be done if you have a strong sense of self. Without it, you are playing with fire.
 
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boomska said:
So j posted asking for advice the other day. Just wanted to give another update.
He’s been really hot and cold this week & he was talking to me for a bit last night & asked me what his plans were. Im paraphrasing here but He told me “he was having a shower and dressed at his friends house and they’re taking him to a posh restaurant”

So I read this as a date basically. He asked my plans were and asked if I was going to be at this club later, using my chat line that I told him about lol so I said “why you gonna be there? 😉” then I added on “depends on how well your date goes eh…”

he didn’t read it, then wasn’t online at all (I checked lol) and still hasn’t responded. And I am mad if he’s basically told me he’s going on a date. And I have NO clue what he’s doing this weekend when he said “he had a lots on this weekend”

I TRIED to go with the flow but I am not a river!!

so I’ve sent him this message- Hey- I know you said you’ve got a lot on today but I wanted to message because I’m starting to overthink what you said last night & I feel this has started feeling different and if something has changed, I’d rather just know.

He still hasn’t read it but he’s been online 😔🙃

I must sound like a bunny boiler/obsessive but we’ve had sex and he’s been hot and cold and I thought he wouldn’t be like this.
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Have you seen him since? Did you ask outright if he had another date?

Sorry if your suspicions have turned out to be correct.

The most you can do is wait a bit longer to have sex with the next person you're with. You seemed anxious before it was obvious he'd gone cold (though this could have been your intuition) so it's probably best you hold off until you're a little more sure about a guy.

Tbh there's no real protection against someone who wants to use you except to take it slow and allow them to reveal themselves and learn how to quickly recover if it does happen.
 
Olgivy said:
Actions. Actions. Actions.

He is showing you what he feels about you. There is nothing to question about his behaviour. Look at his actions, and BELIEVE what his actions are telling you about his feelings/intentions towards you. Yes, BELIEVE them even if it feels crappy.

There is no fairytale here. Just a man playing games with you, because he knows he can.

He absolutely read your messages. My phone shows me them on my notifications without having to actually click on it. Yes, he went on a date. Yes he is weighing up his options. Why are you sitting around waiting to be picked?

What has he actually given you, to deserve having sex with you? A few words of validation? I’m assuming that’s what you mean when you say he is blowing hot and cold.

When a man blows hot and cold, the cold is who he really is and the hot is just part of the game plan to manipulate you for his own agenda.

If you know you get like this once you have had sex with a guy, maybe it’s best to wait much, much, longer?

Are you obsessing over texts because you have abandonment wounds? Do you know what your vulnerabilities are? Dating should only be done if you have a strong sense of self. Without it, you are playing with fire.
Click to expand...

Yeah you’re absolutely right! His actions are telling me everything & I need to stop denying myself & listen to them!

his hot snd cold is basically the bare minimum for me- conversation/clear communication!!

I’m going to on the next one, don’t worry! I tried to not have sex with this man because he didn’t look that nice in his pictures 😂 but he looked so much better in person!! And he was a great kisser…and oops!!

I definitely have abandonment wounds and it’s something I’ve worked In 5 years of therapy! And met up with my dad who I haven’t spoken to in 18 years lol (I’m 33)

thing is I don’t really date 😭😂 I was On a couple of sites to get used to talking to men but this one was a bit of a underdog!

This has definitely highlighted I’ve still got my work to do!
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Blueblue123 said:
Have you seen him since? Did you ask outright if he had another date?

Sorry if your suspicions have turned out to be correct.

The most you can do is wait a bit longer to have sex with the next person you're with. You seemed anxious before it was obvious he'd gone cold (though this could have been your intuition) so it's probably best you hold off until you're a little more sure about a guy.

Tbh there's no real protection against someone who wants to use you except to take it slow and allow them to reveal themselves and learn how to quickly recover if it does happen.
Click to expand...

were meant to be meeting on Monday which he is half arsed about obviously 🙄😒 don’t we will now with my messages!

I didn’t ask him outright because I was told it was too soon to even hint at that. I’m annoyed he might’ve been going on a date but more annoyed he might’ve told me!
Yeah that’s very true, thank you xx
 
boomska said:
Yeah you’re absolutely right! His actions are telling me everything & I need to stop denying myself & listen to them!

his hot snd cold is basically the bare minimum for me- conversation/clear communication!!

I’m going to on the next one, don’t worry! I tried to not have sex with this man because he didn’t look that nice in his pictures 😂 but he looked so much better in person!! And he was a great kisser…and oops!!

I definitely have abandonment wounds and it’s something I’ve worked In 5 years of therapy! And met up with my dad who I haven’t spoken to in 18 years lol (I’m 33)

thing is I don’t really date 😭😂 I was On a couple of sites to get used to talking to men but this one was a bit of a underdog!

This has definitely highlighted I’ve still got my work to do!
---


were meant to be meeting on Monday which he is half arsed about obviously 🙄😒 don’t we will now with my messages!

I didn’t ask him outright because I was told it was too soon to even hint at that. I’m annoyed he might’ve been going on a date but more annoyed he might’ve told me!
Yeah that’s very true, thank you xx
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In the early stages of dating, you want to stay as unemotional as possible. You want to stay logical. Sex can make us VERY emotional, and then we aren’t thinking straight. We end up making up all kinds of stories in our head about the guy, that aren’t even rooted in reality.

Girl, same with the abandonment trauma. But with self awareness, we can do better. We can catch ourselves when we think we are losing ourselves, you know?

If I was you, I’d be busy on Monday. I suspect he will contact you, they always do when they sense you are indifferent. But, do you really want this guy? What does he have to offer you? I’m getting broke assed vibes.
 
Olgivy said:
In the early stages of dating, you want to stay as unemotional as possible. You want to stay logical. Sex can make us VERY emotional, and then we aren’t thinking straight. We end up making up all kinds of stories in our head about the guy, that aren’t even rooted in reality.

Girl, same with the abandonment trauma. But with self awareness, we can do better. We can catch ourselves when we think we are losing ourselves, you know?

If I was you, I’d be busy on Monday. I suspect he will contact you, they always do when they sense you are indifferent. But, do you really want this guy? What does he have to offer you? I’m getting broke assed vibes.
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Yeah you’re absolutely right about being logical!! I was very logical and was half arsed about him until we had sex and he’s everything I can think about now 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

yeah that’s very good point. I’ve started reading a new book about being anxious attached and I’m sitting with these feelings to work out what my inner voice is telling me so I can work on it. I also Inside out 2 today and could’ve cried because they explained belief systems very well and I realised I haven’t been living my authentic self.

I think you’re right, I do think he will contact me at the end of the weekend when he’s not so busy doing whatever he’s doing! And will miss the attention I gave him.

Well, I do want him but not like this. No thank you! I don’t want a pen pal, I want someone who wants to make plans with me! X
 
Right, I don’t really post on here but I do read it religiously. Thank duck I’ve managed to avoid the siren call of online dating, thus far, but my experience with real life encounters is proving much the same. Question I have is, is that due to that current state of play? Or, is it simply because I’m now in my late forties, not my twenties?

The change in men is palpable but is it just because I iz auld? Or are the youngsters amongst us struggling too?
 
Villanelly said:
Right, I don’t really post on here but I do read it religiously. Thank duck I’ve managed to avoid the siren call of online dating, thus far, but my experience with real life encounters is proving much the same. Question I have is, is that due to that current state of play? Or, is it simply because I’m now in my late forties, not my twenties?

The change in men is palpable but is it just because I iz auld? Or are the youngsters amongst us struggling too?
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I’m your age and I agree meeting people IRL hasn’t really resulted in any better ending for me. I’ve recently dipped my toe back into the apps and it’s goddam awful!! So far I have my number to someone who I didn’t realise till I zoomed in on his pic was married, I’ve been asked what my “flaps are like” and this is only 4 days in 😂
 
Villanelly said:
Right, I don’t really post on here but I do read it religiously. Thank duck I’ve managed to avoid the siren call of online dating, thus far, but my experience with real life encounters is proving much the same. Question I have is, is that due to that current state of play? Or, is it simply because I’m now in my late forties, not my twenties?

The change in men is palpable but is it just because I iz auld? Or are the youngsters amongst us struggling too?
Click to expand...
My friend once told me the older you are the more difficult you are to manipulate, so it could be your age but for a good reason not a negative one
 
Villanelly said:
Right, I don’t really post on here but I do read it religiously. Thank duck I’ve managed to avoid the siren call of online dating, thus far, but my experience with real life encounters is proving much the same. Question I have is, is that due to that current state of play? Or, is it simply because I’m now in my late forties, not my twenties?

The change in men is palpable but is it just because I iz auld? Or are the youngsters amongst us struggling too?
Click to expand...

Everyone is struggling tbf
 
Villanelly said:
Right, I don’t really post on here but I do read it religiously. Thank duck I’ve managed to avoid the siren call of online dating, thus far, but my experience with real life encounters is proving much the same. Question I have is, is that due to that current state of play? Or, is it simply because I’m now in my late forties, not my twenties?

The change in men is palpable but is it just because I iz auld? Or are the youngsters amongst us struggling too?
Click to expand...

I’ll never do online dating again. But 90% of my previous partners were found through a dating app. It’s rough out there, even if you are 20, or 50. They ALL want sex upfront with little investment but ONLY IF YOU ALLOW IT.

I am not interested in looking for men right now, as I’m focusing on building up my own assets. I’m focusing on prioritising me. But I do think the smartest thing a woman can do, is to be strategic or have a game plan when it comes to men. It requires being intentional about what we wear. What we say. What we choose to divulge about our past. How well we manage our emotions around them. Where we go to find a certain calibre of man, and what time of day we go. How much contact we allow them to have with us. All things to consider. It requires a lot of ruthlessness, self awareness, a deep understanding of male psychology and a type of de-programming oneself of societal conditioning. Because thinking like this will bring up all kinds of feelings such as shame and guilt. You will want to go back to believing in the fairytale and/or just giving up because this seems like too much work and “why is it so hard to be loved?” But that’s the wrong question IMO. “Are men capable of loving you the way you want to be loved?” Look at the evidence of your experiences. This is a much better question. And if your answer is no, what can you live with? Which leads me to my next point.

Don’t entertain any broke assed men, who are below average in every way. Just don’t even let them come onto your radar. You need to be selfish. Men feel no guilt about being selfish to YOU. So rid that guilt from your psyche. Look at men through the lens of benefits. Bonuses. Opportunities to make your life easier. Otherwise, why have them in your life?

The elephant in the room, is that being transactional with a man can make us feel “off,” like we belong in the red light district. But the fact is, men have been transacting us since the beginning of time, they have very successfully sold us this story about “falling in love” so they can get what they want. They know that women want to be chosen. But have you ever heard a man your age tell you “he is looking to find a woman he can love deeply?” (Let’s exclude the 75 year olds on POF 😉) I certainly haven’t. It’s the deep love I want, yes. But do men truly have the capacity for that? My experience tells me no. And lack of youth has nothing to do with it. In my twenties, I had it all. The looks, the body, the fertility. Made no difference. Sure, I felt cared for at times. But deep love, the type we all want, the kind that we see in the romance novels and rom coms. Complete fantasy.
 
boomska said:
Yeah you’re absolutely right about being logical!! I was very logical and was half arsed about him until we had sex and he’s everything I can think about now 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

yeah that’s very good point. I’ve started reading a new book about being anxious attached and I’m sitting with these feelings to work out what my inner voice is telling me so I can work on it. I also Inside out 2 today and could’ve cried because they explained belief systems very well and I realised I haven’t been living my authentic self.

I think you’re right, I do think he will contact me at the end of the weekend when he’s not so busy doing whatever he’s doing! And will miss the attention I gave him.

Well, I do want him but not like this. No thank you! I don’t want a pen pal, I want someone who wants to make plans with me! X
Click to expand...

Did he initiate the sex?

How soon after matching online did you meet up?
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Villanelly said:
Right, I don’t really post on here but I do read it religiously. Thank duck I’ve managed to avoid the siren call of online dating, thus far, but my experience with real life encounters is proving much the same. Question I have is, is that due to that current state of play? Or, is it simply because I’m now in my late forties, not my twenties?

The change in men is palpable but is it just because I iz auld? Or are the youngsters amongst us struggling too?
Click to expand...

I think that there are two conflicting developments as people (men) get older:

A) The pool of "good men" gets smaller, as they tend to stay in long-term relationships longer than the immature losers
B) The pool of "good men" gets bigger as they learn and mature from the mistakes of their youth.

I think that development A) outweighs B) and therefore the overall pool of good men gets smaller over time.

It is still not uncommon to stay with your partner for decades and it is usually the emotionally mature people that remain with their partners for a long time. So ones those men have been "snatched up" they are non from the available pool of good men.
 
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whathastheworldcometo said:
Did he initiate the sex?

How soon after matching online did you meet up?
---


I think that there are two conflicting developments as people (men) get older:

A) The pool of "good men" gets smaller, as they tend to stay in long-term relationships longer than the immature losers
B) The pool of "good men" gets bigger as they learn and mature from the mistakes of their youth.

I think that development A) outweighs B) and therefore the overall pool of good men gets smaller over time.

It is still not uncommon to stay with your partner for decades and it is usually the emotionally mature people that remain with their partners for a long time. So ones those men have been "snatched up" they are non from the available pool of good men.
Click to expand...

Errr it was mutual tbh 🤷‍♀️

oh god I can’t remember. I would say minimum about a week?
 
boomska said:
Errr it was mutual tbh 🤷‍♀️

oh god I can’t remember. I would say minimum about a week?
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Yes, I see what the other posters are saying. It is not a lot of time to get to know someone.

It is easy to be well-behaved for a couple of weeks, but eventually their real personality will show.

Look after yourself and do something nice that you enjoy today.
 
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