Tiffany Thinks #10

[Lululime]

If cancer treatment is viewed as a “journey” (which annoys me profoundly but seems all the rage these days) in regards Destination Surgery she’s certainly left her holiday packing till the last moment, not renewed her passport and forgotten the sunscreen! She may yet also miss the bus, but we’ve yet to find out.

 

[AnonyGoss]

"I always say we have to wear the "We Got This" t-shirts every time we come to the hospital".
As soon as she starts that sentence I am insanely angry.

I don't usually criticise her. But I found it weird in her latest vlog, when she said "oh Amma, you didn't have to wear the We Got This top" after saying they must wear it every time they go hospital. Maybe she's had a change of heart? But I'm sure Amma only wears it because Tiff tells her to, so I don't get it.

 

[Avasarala]

I think what frustrates me the most about 'not preparing' is the toxic positivity and blocking out of any awareness that things may not go as planned.

There's never any mention of if it doesn't work out or any complications.

I don't believe there is even any thought about if the worst happens, then her family will be lumped with the shock and planning, won't know any of her wishes / requests.
I would be writing notes to family or making some private videos, writing an advanced decision, a will, my funeral plans, just in case.
I've already done this and I have no health issues, you never know what could happen

 

[KarinaBallerina]

I think what frustrates me the most about 'not preparing' is the toxic positivity and blocking out of any awareness that things may not go as planned.

There's never any mention of if it doesn't work out or any complications.

I don't believe there is even any thought about if the worst happens, then her family will be lumped with the shock and planning, won't know any of her wishes / requests.
I would be writing notes to family or making some private videos, writing an advanced decision, a will, my funeral plans, just in case.
I've already done this and I have no health issues, you never know what could happen

Yes, and even if everything goes as planned, the recovery will still be rough. She seems to think it's one month in hospital, and then she's all done. Recovery takes much longer. I didn't have as extensive a surgery as Tiffany might have, and I was deemed a success story, but I'll tell, the first year was really rough. I wondered if I'd made the right decision and if it would have been better to have just died. Patients with this type of surgery will have major adjustments to make in very basic things, like eating, going to the bathroom, maintaining heart health, healthy circulation, etc. is a full time job. It gets easier as time goes on, but the patient has to do the work. This is something her mother and Matt can't do for her. She must do it. I'm not sure she is up to it.

 

[Turaj]

Yes, and even if everything goes as planned, the recovery will still be rough. She seems to think it's one month in hospital, and then she's all done. Recovery takes much longer. I didn't have as extensive a surgery as Tiffany might have, and I was deemed a success story, but I'll tell, the first year was really rough. I wondered if I'd made the right decision and if it would have been better to have just died. Patients with this type of surgery will have major adjustments to make in very basic things, like eating, going to the bathroom, maintaining heart health, healthy circulation, etc. is a full time job. It gets easier as time goes on, but the patient has to do the work. This is something her mother and Matt can't do for her. She must do it. I'm not sure she is up to it.

i have to think there is someone in that extended family that will make sure that Tiffany has things spelled out legally including a detail health care directive and POA. I think the stark reality she just prefers not not vlog about. Eldoie and her husband don't seem to be those people but maybe her uncle or even cousins. They are a close knit Tamil family. I think as a group they "got this" even if Tiffany does not.

 

[truthspeak]

Here's what I did to focus on my surgery: 1.) My sister's birthday was 4 days after my surgery, so I made sure I had her presents wrapped and someone to deliver them to her on the correct date. I also included a special gift for her to remember me by should I not pull through. 2.) I cleaned my house as best I could. 3.) I stocked my freezer with meals for after-recovery. 4.) I walked every day like the doctors told me to. They said that walking was the best way to get my circulatory system in top shape, something important after any kind of abdominal surgery. 5.)I read a lot, but very little about cancer. I'd already done my research prior. I did do a review of hospital instructions to be sure I knew what was expected of me right after surgery. 6.) I ate as best I could but I couldn't manage much, to be frank. 7.) I packed my hospital bag. 8.) I got in touch with friends and family members to make sure all was good "just in case". 9.) I visited the graves of my parents and loved ones. 10.) I reviewed my will.

I get what you're saying about Tiffany enjoying herself as much as possible prior to surgery. The thing is, she should be sure to do only things that will aid in recovery, not hinder, in order to have as best a recovery as possible.

This I respect and totally agree with, absolutely mature and responsible. I feel it’s good to talk on here about everything because I know Tiffany will be reading this.
Also well done you for focusing o your surgery, I hope you’re ok and recovering
This is definetly the kind of focus needed for preparation to stay in hospital for any situation.
how helpful would it be to talk her viewers things like what you have listed.
Tiffany needs to add a deeper level of maturity to her content.

 

[Daisychain4]

Yes, and even if everything goes as planned, the recovery will still be rough. She seems to think it's one month in hospital, and then she's all done. Recovery takes much longer. I didn't have as extensive a surgery as Tiffany might have, and I was deemed a success story, but I'll tell, the first year was really rough. I wondered if I'd made the right decision and if it would have been better to have just died. Patients with this type of surgery will have major adjustments to make in very basic things, like eating, going to the bathroom, maintaining heart health, healthy circulation, etc. is a full time job. It gets easier as time goes on, but the patient has to do the work.
This is something her mother and Matt can't do for her. She must do it. I'm not sure she is up to it.

You are absolutely right.
The surgery in itself should proceed without incident given Tiffany is young and otherwise healthy.
Tiffany’s biggest danger period is post operation which will be a whole new entity for her.
Does she have the physical and mental fortitude to get through that long period is the unknown. It certainly does and will take a lot of hard work on her behalf; getting her diet tailored to her nutritional needs and that of her newly formed stoma. Diet will be essential for tissue healing internally and to build her blood cells back up to fight infection which is a real possibility following this surgery. Also she will need regular physical exercise to minimize the likelihood of ‘blood clot’ in her legs and her lungs … all these things need to be given priority in the post op period and Matt / Amma will also need to be strong to encourage her.
As you have reiterated, it’s a long hard road. Indeed it is.
Tiffany and Elodies summation of lying in bed resting, reading, watching tv and sleeping for 6 months while she recovers is beyond laughable … our girl is more like a comedian than a *cancer* influencer!

 

[ginnyw]

Brilliant posts on here at the moment! Sensible, wise stuff about being prepared. Seems most of us are, which is good to hear. I know of somebody whose father 'forgot' to update his will, and the difficulties that have come from that are terrible. Prudent to update wills , leave things organised, clear out fridge, speak to loved ones, keep up with health insurance payments etc. You never know what lies ahead. I hope Tiffany does read all your posts but suspect she would not want to do the adult thing.

 

[Lululime]

My health insurance saved my bacon. It was a low monthly premium, (about 3 Costa coffees) and I got a small lump sum for critical illness or death (which ever came first), but it’s given me peace of mind and a bit of breathing space. Best thing I ever bought tbh.

 

[H&N]

Brilliant posts on here at the moment! Sensible, wise stuff about being prepared. Seems most of us are, which is good to hear. I know of somebody whose father 'forgot' to update his will, and the difficulties that have come from that are terrible. Prudent to update wills , leave things organised, clear out fridge, speak to loved ones, keep up with health insurance payments etc. You never know what lies ahead. I hope Tiffany does read all your posts but suspect she would not want to do the adult thing.

You're right, she should also make sure everything is settled financial. My father had esophagus carcinoma, between the diagnose and his death were exactly 5 weeks. We never talked with him about finances and after he died my mom and I paid a huge amount of taxes that could be prevented if he did made arrangements.

 

[Lolaj]

Well at least I know where not to go, next time I need my eyes checked.
I read Matt's name somewhere as part owner/director of TT's vision business, but I can't remember where. Wonder if that's any insentive for his sticking around?

 

[Saydee]

My husband had a high risk operation with a high mortality rate, his tumor had grown out of his kidney and attached itself to the inferior vena cava (our body's largest vein) invaded the IVC and the tumor thrombus had snaked all the way up the IVC and was sat in his lower heart chamber. His bowel was stuck to the tumor on the outside of his kidney. His surgery involved putting him on heart bypass and clamping his other healthy kidney and resectioning his bowel.
We knew the risks and accepted them risks. Without the surgery, he wouldn't have lived very long. Surgery wouldn't cure him, but it would reduce tumor burden and buy him more time.
The surgery date only came after he had his preop. Preop is what decides if the patient is strong enough for surgery. Only then will T be given a surgery date.
Regarding making a will etc. My husband didn't make a will, visit loved ones or prepare for it if he didn't make it through surgery. In fact, we did the opposite, we lived life to the max and made happy memories leading up to his surgery. If he had focused or even considered he might not pull through surgery, I don't think he would have gone through with the surgery.
We all deal with things differently. If T enjoys focusing on Christmas and distracting herself, good on her. Her love of Christmas is strange to many, its strange to me (especially for a 30-year-old woman without children), but looking through her old videos, it's obvious that this isn't out of the ordinary for her.

 

[Daisychain4]

Well at least I know where not to go, next time I need my eyes checked.
I read Matt's name somewhere as part owner/director of TT's vision business, but I can't remember where. Wonder if that's any insentive for his sticking around?

Yes you would certainly be worried if you went to have your eyes tested with either of them because you were having trouble seeing, received the hectic flurry of … only to get hit by the on the way home !

 

[Turaj]

Well at least I know where not to go, next time I need my eyes checked.
I read Matt's name somewhere as part owner/director of TT's vision business, but I can't remember where. Wonder if that's any insentive for his sticking around?

Honestly I don't think so. My theory on his still being there is he genuinely cares about her...they had maybe one year of their kind of fun and then all hell broke loose. It all changed and he really did not know how to get out. He is in a real "box" now living there. He will see the surgery and worst part of recovery thru...I don't think she could take his leaving anytime in the next couple of months. But I think as time goes along we may see less and less of him. If her "darling" is gone I expect her to stop vlogs for some time like she did after the last breakup. She is really going to need her family and I am sure they will be there for her. Imagine going thru this surgery with no family support?

 

[truthspeak]

Another thing that annoys me is everyone she she uses an item that was a gift she has to remind us about who bought it and when. She loooooves presents. I’ve never seen anyone get so obsessed over gifts before.

I used to love buying gifts for myself or dreaming of recieving gifts when my life was empty, I was in a very unhappy relationship, I didn’t have a hobby or a community of people I could relate to.
I’m still introvert but I would go to work and just love being at home waiting for my eBay orders and Amazon and other delivery drivers I knew by first names.
My life turned around after lockdown losing my job and just finding myself and removing negative friends and relatives and my now ex out of my life. I started a hobby and found my tribe and I can’t remember the last time I bought anything of eBay and I don’t get the same pleasure from buying gifts nor do I long to receive them. I don’t buy things unnecessarily. I get joy from simple things and walks in nature and travelling and spending time with my loving partner.
Tbh I’m not even materialistic, I wasn’t I was just lonely and not being true to myself.

I think Tiffany does not spend deep time alone by herself with her own thoughts and when she does she cries and scolds herself for crying. Or it’s for her vlogs. Or maybe I’m wrong ?!
She needs personal therapy or counselling and it would be so good if she had a weekend alone by herself in a nice hotel or home alone and just managed herself by herself. She can do it! She could cry into a world of tissues and just assess her own independence and strength and fears. Many people are scared of being on their own with their private thoughts and fears and that’s understandable but I think at this stage it will help with any denial she may have and she can truly grieve her life as she previously knew it. I’m not saying life after surgery won’t be ok but she’s got to get a deeper reality check and I know that will be really hard.

 

[Daisychain4]

My husband had a high risk operation with a high mortality rate, his tumor had grown out of his kidney and attached itself to the inferior vena cava (our body's largest vein) invaded the IVC and the tumor thrombus had snaked all the way up the IVC and was sat in his lower heart chamber. His bowel was stuck to the tumor on the outside of his kidney. His surgery involved putting him on heart bypass and clamping his other healthy kidney and resectioning his bowel.
We knew the risks and accepted them risks. Without the surgery, he wouldn't have lived very long. Surgery wouldn't cure him, but it would reduce tumor burden and buy him more time.
The surgery date only came after he had his preop. Preop is what decides if the patient is strong enough for surgery. Only then will T be given a surgery date.
Regarding making a will etc. My husband didn't make a will, visit loved ones or prepare for it if he didn't make it through surgery. In fact, we did the opposite, we lived life to the max and made happy memories leading up to his surgery. If he had focused or even considered he might not pull through surgery, I don't think he would have gone through with the surgery.
We all deal with things differently. If T enjoys focusing on Christmas and distracting herself, good on her. Her love of Christmas is strange to many, its strange to me (especially for a 30-year-old woman without children), but looking through her old videos, it's obvious that this isn't out of the ordinary for her.

You ‘made happy memories’ … how beautiful Saydee! That’s lovely to read and I’m so happy the outcome from surgery was positive in that it’s afforded you both more precious time together

Preparedness is very important though, especially for Tiffany and yes, the anaesthetic team (spelling is Australian) will most certainly have the final say as to if surgery will go ahead for the surgeons proposed time/date. It is that team who give the all clear or if they have concerns, surgery is delayed until they have all the info they require. I would think her pre op anaesthetic consult must be very close … I’m sure she would have those appointment dates by now.
You would think physio and allied health (social worker / mental health) teams would also have pre op consults with her? Is that routine with NHS?

 

[Saydee]

For posterity.

View attachment 1759690 q

That's not 'making out'. Matts like a wet lettuce. Always touching her. When she was in hospital he was laid on her bed? Matt gives me the creeps.
In T's shoes and if I was diagnosed, I wouldn't have agreed to Matt moving in. She said in one of her first videos that he moved in "to look after her".Other patients have chemo, radiotherapy, surgery etc and don't need 2 adults moving in to be "looked after".

You ‘made happy memories’ … how beautiful Saydee! That’s lovely to read and I’m so happy the outcome from surgery was positive in that it’s afforded you both more precious time together ❤

Preparedness is very important though, especially for Tiffany and yes, the anaesthetic team (spelling is Australian) will most certainly have the final say as to if surgery will go ahead for the surgeons proposed time/date. It is that team who give the all clear or if they have concerns, surgery is delayed until they have all the info they require. I would think her pre op anaesthetic consult must be very close … I’m sure she would have those appointment dates by now.
You would think physio and allied health (social worker / mental health) teams would also have pre op consults with her? Is that routine with NHS?

You ‘made happy memories’ … how beautiful Saydee! That’s lovely to read and I’m so happy the outcome from surgery was positive in that it’s afforded you both more precious time together ❤

Preparedness is very important though, especially for Tiffany and yes, the anaesthetic team (spelling is Australian) will most certainly have the final say as to if surgery will go ahead for the surgeons proposed time/date. It is that team who give the all clear or if they have concerns, surgery is delayed until they have all the info they require. I would think her pre op anaesthetic consult must be very close … I’m sure she would have those appointment dates by now.
You would think physio and allied health (social worker / mental health) teams would also have pre op consults with her? Is that routine with NHS?

Hi Daisy
It's heartbreaking that he was incurable from diagnosis, but his team have def extended his life for us. For that I am truly happy.
From memory my husbands surgeon was eager to get going because my husbands tumour was pushing against the IVC and causing bradycardia. He kept passing out because his heart was dropping low and pausing. He also would sit on the toilet for hours trying to go to the toilet, but couldn't. Ct scan showed the bowel was stuck to the tumour, hence why he was struggling with the toilet issue. His surgeon felt with the right team in place, that her could extend my husbands life and give us extra years. He explained in depth 2 things
a) he would remove everything he could physically see (cancer wise) but there would be microscopic spread, therefore he would still be 'incurable'
b) it was a high risk mortality surgery and how he would reduce that risk would be to abort surgery if needed. We was warned that he may make the cut from upper chest to groin, have a look around, feel it is too much of a risk and proceed to stitch him up. Skin grafting the IVC was where the risk was. Thankfully my husband recovered very well (he needed 12 weeks of dialysis and did have a temp stoma bag fitted).
We had an eager surgeon, but it wasn't smooth sailing. At the preop they did a ECG and his heart rate wasn't stable enough. His case got passed on to the anaesthetist and he wasn't happy to proceed. To cut a long story short, they got around it by fitting a pacemaker but it needed to be a MRI safe pacemaker. Lots of problems, but it eventually took place and my husband survived it. Unfortunately though (bear in mind we was warned!) at the 3 monthly CT scan, his results showed that while he was recovering from surgery, his disease had free reign His 3 monthly scan showed his disease had been busy building new homes in different places. Still..... we have no regrets It bought us some time.
T's pre op will be very quick. There wont be much of a wait for it. There she will fill in 50,000 sheets (exaggerating haha but its like a book!) about her diet, mobility, medications and most importantly, next of kin and t's situation at home. If she has stairs to climb, access to a toilet etc. T won't be allowed home until she climb stairs.
Mental health isn't really discussed Daisy. I don't know if its a nationwide thing, but patients don't appear to get offered support. A while ago I made a comment to his support nurse that it was strange that we both saved for pensions and to pay our mortgage off quickly, and the reality is that my husband won't live anywhere near 40, nevermind pension age! And that we both regretted throwing overpayments at our mortgage, because with what we know now, we could have travelled and lived life more than we did (holidays etc). His support nurse listened and gave me a leaflet. She said we could contact 'psycho-oncology' if we felt we needed to talk? Also mentioned Maggies centres where patients can access support.
I don't think its routinely offered as such, but I do know there is a service available. I do hope T & her family access support because it was one of the best things me and my husband ever did!

https://www.leedsth.nhs.uk/a-z-of-services/clinical-and-health-psychology/clinical-psycho-oncology-team/

 

[Blue skies]

Regarding preparations, I think she also needs to do the foll:

-Home modification. At least get a comfortable day bed, so she won’t have to climb the stairs or lie on the sofa.

- As Amma suggested, she should cut her hair, maybe to shoulder length so it is manageable by Amma when she’s recovering. Her hair can grow back, save her life first.

-I think the person she trusts the most is Amma. She should give her YT password to her as well, just in case. Amma can then give it to Elodie n hubby if needed. Not to Matt. He’s still an outsider. She has 300 plus videos and is getting lots of views and revenue from YT. IMO, Amma should be the beneficiary of this coz she’s her mother, a widow and her primary caregiver.

-Hiring of equipment e.g. walking frame or even wheelchair to assist with her mobility while recovering.

So much to do in so little time. Hope we get to see some practical preps being undertaken by her and family, instead of more Christmas merry making stuff in her next video.

 

[truthspeak]

Regarding preparations, I think she also needs to do the foll:

-Home modification. At least get a comfortable day bed, so she won’t have to climb the stairs or lie on the sofa.

- As Amma suggested, she should cut her hair, maybe to shoulder length so it is manageable by Amma when she’s recovering. Her hair can grow back, save her life first.

-I think the person she trusts the most is Amma. She should give her YT password to her as well, just in case. Amma can then give it to Elodie n hubby if needed. Not to Matt. He’s still an outsider. She has 300 plus videos and is getting lots of views and revenue from YT. IMO, Amma should be the beneficiary of this coz she’s her mother, a widow and her primary caregiver.

-Hiring of equipment e.g. walking frame or even wheelchair to assist with her mobility while recovering.

So much to do in so little time. Hope we get to see some practical preps being undertaken by her and family, instead of more Christmas merry making stuff in her next video.

Wow blue skies this is really well thought out great ideas many can learn from too.
Hi Tiffany,
If you’re reading this,I know everything is so hard to absorb and accept right now. This is a tough love, no nonsense , dark humour, b*tchy chat group at times but I do feel we want you to win.
This suggestion is so amazing, as well as so many others shared on this forum!
I know the majority of us really care. I felt it when I read this.
So thoughtful, good advice please take it! Share it! So many watch and learn from you too x

 

[square_spoon]

I haven’t watched Tiffany in a while as I couldn’t take the increasingly harrowing click-baity titles of her videos every time they popped up on my feed. I don’t think there’s many people out there these days whose lives are untouched by cancer, either their own or a that of a loved one and tbh I found them a bit tough. I popped into this thread to see how she’s doing but also to say that the variety and quality of cancer supports differ greatly depending on where you live/are being treated and I doubt very much that these haven’t been offered to her. If she’s not availing of them I’d imagine it’s because she doesn’t want to.