Sober Curious tattlers support thread (Dry January and beyond!)

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I’ve started reading the unexpected joy of being sober and I’m really enjoying it. It’s not a preachy book at all, I tried reading Russell Brands which was ok, but it had a lot of fancy words in there that didn’t need to be in there!
 
Been there. I was always good at cutting back for a bit but could never stick with moderating. Like you, I had this recurrent feeling I’m not in control of my drinking which made no sense as I’m good at being in control in other areas of life. What changed my mindset is understanding that I’m dealing with addictive substance which messes up my brain chemistry. It’s not so much a case of poor willpower but what alcohol does to any drinker depending on how heavily used. I found reading sobriety books really useful when I had a long break from drinking. Also leaning into other healthy habits like exercising, meditation and eating well. Good luck 🤞
 
I've been watching this thread for a while now, well done to all of you whether sticking it out or struggling you are all an inspiration.

I know I have an issue with alcohol.

I know I don't want to be this way, I want to be healthy, but I cant seem to stop.

I binge drank when I was a teenager, then spent early 20s mostly down the pub. I got pregnant at 23 and stopped with no issue. Slowly alcohol started creeping back in mostly ciders or wine.

But for the past 10 years its been wine I'm talking a bottle a night most nights.

I'm functioning done a degree have a good job its never set me back in that regard.

But my motivation for my own health and wellbeing is gone, I've piled on weight. I wake up most mornings feeling like tit telling myself today is the day I stop. Days go by and that feeling goes and by time evening rolls round i feel fine and start over again.

I never drink in front of my children (except family bbq etc) I'm sensible and never got into a state or embarrassed myself in front friends and family they wouldnt really know I live this life.

I dont gain anything from drinking daily at the time I'm just necking back the wine and before I know it I'm passed out.

I have had bouts of abstinence a month here or there and when pregnant. I never had that I feel so much better feeling.

I'm not a big talker of my own woes so AA seems the worst choice for me. I've considered taking the medication where you simply just cant drink but you also cant wear perfume 🤦‍♀️!

I know I'm not as present for my kids as I could be although we have a good relationship I always go on family days out etc but sometimes resent not being able have as much wine the night before... and I'm not a mum who's up at 7 housework done and seize the day.

In my head I imagine a me 3 stone lighter me, full of energy, glowing hair and skin.. but then I think but I'd prob be miserable even then as that means no wine.

I know I cant cut down I try that and before I know it it creeps up back to full bottles.

I know from my job and seeing the effects of long term alcohol abuse where I'm heading. Yet once this hangover eases I'll be back on the wine later.

I need to do something but I dont know what that is.
 
I can identify with everything you said. If it’s any help the whole ‘I’ll feel so much better’ feeling took a little while to arrive for me. After years of heavy drinking, my body needed time to rest and repair. I slept a lot and felt tired for the first 3 months, then the weight started coming off. This blog is really honest and funny and I learned a lot from it:

Mummy was a Secret Drinker

A blog about how to stop drinking alcohol and stay sober
mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com
 
AH_ said:
In my head I imagine a me 3 stone lighter me, full of energy, glowing hair and skin.. but then I think but I'd prob be miserable even then as that means no wine.
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I felt EXACTLY like that. I love wine, love it. Some of the sober books I read (can't remember which, possibly Annie Grace) talked about how we don't actually like the taste of alcohol, that we learn to because society tells us its fun and exciting and essential and we just learn to like it because of its connotations and whilst I liked the rest of the book I found that frustrating because I really do like it, always have! I'm not a fan of sweet things and so always found it difficult to replace wine with other drinks as everything non alcoholic is so sweet.

If you had asked me a year or so ago if I could cope without wine I'd have laughed in your face. It was my reward, something to look forward to, I thought I couldn't do without. I was also a bottle a night, every night drinker.

I have been on and off (now totally off for a while) with drinking for about a year since I really started to struggle with feeling more and more rough in the morning. It's hard to start with, undoubtedly, but honestly it starts getting easier and easier. I failed again and again because I tried moderating, only drinking at the weekend never worked, then it was only drinking when visiting family or away from home but then when I got home I felt like I needed to carry on.

But when you actually do it and commit to it you really just have to get past the first few weeks and you've done the hardest bit. I do think that it's worth reading some of the sober literature, again Annie Grace talks about having to retrain your brain, that the addictive nature of alcohol is literally changing your brain chemistry so that you 'need' it and that it takes time for all your neural pathways to rewire themselves (btw, I'm no scientist so this is a vague idea, sure I'm using wrong terms and things!!) When they do, it becomes so much easier.

One of the 'exercises' I liked and actually find useful was to imagine a situation that I usually wouldn't ever do without alcohol. Meeting friends in a pub garden perhaps or a wedding. Then imagine myself with a nice elderflower presse. Looking fab and not saying anything daft, not having my lipstick smudged, having a dance but not going too far. Staying up exactly as late as I fancy and then getting up fresh and happy the next day and being able to remember it all! Just resetting my expectations, trying to train my brain into thinking that is more fun than the alternative.

I feel a million times better now, I really do. My husband and I have been re watching a series we've enjoyed and its crazy how little I actually remember of it, it's like watching with new eyes. I think I must have missed so much over the years. I honestly thought that I couldn't get through the day without the promise of that first glass of wine once my son was in bed. Then a few weeks ago I was sitting one evening and realised that I was really looking forward to my morning cup of tea. I realised that I actually like lots of parts of the day now (and lots I don't too, I'm as grumpy as any other parent plenty of the time!), before I was just living to drink.

My general health has improved but also my mental health. I have a few problems (have aspergers) and I think I've been self medicating for a very long time. I've noticed a reduction in my tics. Very importantly I'm sleeping, that also took a while, think I was so used to knocking myself out that it was a big change but a few weeks after stopping I started to sleep all night, for the first time that I can remember. I am lucky enough to have managed to get some counselling recently and if possible (waiting lists are crazy atm aren't they) that may help a bit.

Anyway, sorry for the essay. I feel a bit evangelical about the whole thing as I just never imagined I could feel like this. I really hope you're doing OK and sending lots of positive thoughts your way. It's bloody hard, but it is worthwhile.
 
I gave up drinking about 2 1/2 years ago fairly unintentionally. I’ve always been a drinker - and never really had an off button once I started. Then when life got a bit crappy I was drinking wine every night, often a bottle and more if it was the weekend. I’d panic if I didn’t think I had enough in and it was really starting to affect me. I’d tried moderating over the years and giving myself rules but it was exhausting and could never stick to it - the duck it button was heavily used.
I drank too much one Sunday and sent a text that I wouldn’t have sent if sober, it wasn’t bad but I was ashamed of myself regardless and something just clicked. I decided to have an extended detox and was pretty scared but surprisingly found it really ok. I read Tired of thinking about drinking the first few weeks snd kept a sober diary but stopped dairy soon as got bored with writing still doing fine….
Someone wrote they are a bit evangelical about it and I feel the same, my life is pretty stressful but I find it so much easier to cope without alcohol. I’m stronger calmer more in control - I like myself so much more.
my only disappointment is I never lost any hoped for weight - I developed a wicked sweet tooth once I stopped drinking 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️
Sorry for the essay !!

Edit - so much more I want to say but will pace myself 😃
So many posts are completely relatable too
 
AH_ said:
I've been watching this thread for a while now, well done to all of you whether sticking it out or struggling you are all an inspiration.

I know I have an issue with alcohol.

I know I don't want to be this way, I want to be healthy, but I cant seem to stop.

I binge drank when I was a teenager, then spent early 20s mostly down the pub. I got pregnant at 23 and stopped with no issue. Slowly alcohol started creeping back in mostly ciders or wine.

But for the past 10 years its been wine I'm talking a bottle a night most nights.

I'm functioning done a degree have a good job its never set me back in that regard.

But my motivation for my own health and wellbeing is gone, I've piled on weight. I wake up most mornings feeling like tit telling myself today is the day I stop. Days go by and that feeling goes and by time evening rolls round i feel fine and start over again.

I never drink in front of my children (except family bbq etc) I'm sensible and never got into a state or embarrassed myself in front friends and family they wouldnt really know I live this life.

I dont gain anything from drinking daily at the time I'm just necking back the wine and before I know it I'm passed out.

I have had bouts of abstinence a month here or there and when pregnant. I never had that I feel so much better feeling.

I'm not a big talker of my own woes so AA seems the worst choice for me. I've considered taking the medication where you simply just cant drink but you also cant wear perfume 🤦‍♀️!

I know I'm not as present for my kids as I could be although we have a good relationship I always go on family days out etc but sometimes resent not being able have as much wine the night before... and I'm not a mum who's up at 7 housework done and seize the day.

In my head I imagine a me 3 stone lighter me, full of energy, glowing hair and skin.. but then I think but I'd prob be miserable even then as that means no wine.

I know I cant cut down I try that and before I know it it creeps up back to full bottles.

I know from my job and seeing the effects of long term alcohol abuse where I'm heading. Yet once this hangover eases I'll be back on the wine later.

I need to do something but I dont know what that is.
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Your post really resonated with me. I was stuck in that cycle of going "today's the day" then 6pm rolls around and I would be on the wine. If I only had half a bottle in the fridge I would pick up an extra one on the way home so I knew I had a full bottle.
You obviously want to change so I hope you find something that works for you.The hardest bit is getting over the first few weeks. After 1 month it hasn't felt hard at all. So the battle isn't a permanent one. I can only suggest to find something to replace it with in the short term and then after a few months you will start to feel the benefits. I haven't lost weight or got glowing skin but I wake up feeling better, I feel more in control of my life, I am kinder to myself rather than telling myself I am a useless failure.
For me what helped in the evenings was replacing my drink with an AF alternative e.g having a nice Fentimans with ice & lemons and limes, or a beer or M&S AF Rose is passable ultra chilled. Have a shower and brush your teeth & get into your PJ's early if you can. I also got into the habit of an evening walk.
Luckily my boyfriend is doing this with me. Do you have a friend or someone who would do it with you for solidarity? Or maybe a support group? I know that sounds extreme but it's harder when you aren't alone & have a buddy.
 
For me in the beginning I was astounded at how much free time I seemed to have and didn’t know what to do with myself - i tidied and organised lots of drawers and cupboards and had lots of showers. Although I didn’t do my diary for long, it does help to write things down and get your feelings out even if you delete it after typing or just post on here - am happy to be anyone’s sober cheerleader👍🏼

The website I looked at also advocated giving yourself treats in the early days - a fancy AF free drink but not alcohol dupes some flowers a book or some posh bubble bath. Be kind to yourself x
 
Some fab advice here, not sure I can add anything else!

@AH_ you have us here and there are some great books and online resources. Try a month off, then two months, then three and keep going. You have so much to gain! If you are on tiktok there is a fab account called no_more_wasted_days which gives a particular insight to being a mum who doesn't drink. It's hard though as it feels everything is pushing us to have that wine!
 
Reading back I saw someone said I’d be miserable as there’d be no wine - this was me. I thought my life would be empty and dull without wine in it, but it honestly isn’t. It’s almost like a relief when you say right no more, you stop having this huge internal battle over whether to drink or not and then how much, when can you pour the first one etc. Take alcohol out of your life and watch just how much more you smile, you won’t be miserable at all I promise !!
 
coconut_escape said:
Do you know what it might be that’s stopping you ?
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Alcoholism…at least at a very functional level. I just love wine and the high of getting drunk. I still maintain a life with a good job and family but I’m often hungover and it affects so much of my life. Ive put on weight and I can’t lose it because I drink a lot of calories in wine then binge on food, then cant face the gym as I’m hungover. It’s definitely a vicious cycle.

Also socialising in UK culture is very drink orientated. My social circle all drink and socialise with alcohol. I can’t imagine how I would survive social events without drinking. However that doesn’t excuse my at home drinking, my mid week drinking. It’s that I need to tackle urgently.
 
I relate to everything you’ve said and agree - but although it’s a horrible cliche, you really can be and do all that without drinking.
Something I’ve seen here and in blogs a lot is that moderation doesn’t work for many of us, it has to be all or nothing and that’s a really scary thought - at least it was for me. Scared to try life without alcohol because it will be miserable scared to try in case you can’t do it - they were the sort of things I had in my mind.
 
Hey all, I'm new to the thread! Been dry since NYD after years of binge drinking, getting into states and regretting it and awful hangovers. Havent missed it once not even when the pubs reopened, ive been twice and had diet cokes 😆 Ive saved money, lost weight and feel super strong about my will power. I orginally said i would do it for a year BUT i tbink thats me for life now. Recently passed my driving test so Im happy to be designated driver and was very proud of ferrying drunk relatives home after a funeral last month.

My partner is an alcoholic, a good day for him is a bottle of white and 4 beers, which probably doesnt sound a lot but it all adds up money and health wise, so another part of my decision was to support him too. We are saving for a house atm and I feel everytime he drinks he has throwing away our future 😪
 
Kmacg said:
Hey all, I'm new to the thread! Been dry since NYD after years of binge drinking, getting into states and regretting it and awful hangovers. Havent missed it once not even when the pubs reopened, ive been twice and had diet cokes 😆 Ive saved money, lost weight and feel super strong about my will power. I orginally said i would do it for a year BUT i tbink thats me for life now. Recently passed my driving test so Im happy to be designated driver and was very proud of ferrying drunk relatives home after a funeral last month.

My partner is an alcoholic, a good day for him is a bottle of white and 4 beers, which probably doesnt sound a lot but it all adds up money and health wise, so another part of my decision was to support him too. We are saving for a house atm and I feel everytime he drinks he has throwing away our future 😪
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Goodness I don't know how you can be sober witb an alcoholic partner. Sounds like a constant battle.
 
I poured myself a glass of wine last night (after a bit of a stressful day). And I … didn’t drink it. Ended up pouring it back into the bottle. I stil drank too much last week, the midweek was fine - I had a glass on Tuesday and a glass on Thursday, but then I binged Friday nIght and drank over a bottle. Saturday again was ok-ish, two glasses watching a film.
I was a functioning alcoholic for years during my mid-20s to mid-30s. I still find it hard to moderate but I struggle to stop completely. Another poster said how they love the taste of wine, me too. What I don’t like is the crappy hangovers that now knock me out completely and make me waste days. We can do this.

Prgirl_cesca said:
Goodness I don't know how you can be sober witb an alcoholic partner. Sounds like a constant battle.
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That makes in much harder. In my 20s/early 30s my then partner was also an alcoholic, and times I did try to cut down/give up were difficult because they would still come home with wine/beers and I hated being the sober one.
 
coconut_escape said:
Something I’ve seen here and in blogs a lot is that moderation doesn’t work for many of us, it has to be all or nothing and that’s a really scary thought - at least it was for me. Scared to try life without alcohol because it will be miserable scared to try in case you
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Yeah, it is a scary thought, I totally agree. I also found moderation impossible, far too easy to keep going, or to find a reason each day to 'just have one.' It was useful to me to read the reasons behind that and realise that it wasn't just because I'm rubbish at moderation but because that's what alcohol does, it's addictive, just like cigarettes or drugs. The other helpful thing I read about the reason it's so much easier to stop outright was that if you're moderating then you have to think about alcohol all the time. What am I going to drink? How many? What's the best thing to drink so that I don't keep going? What time am I going to stop? Are people going to buy me another? All of that thought and energy still going into alcohol. If you're not drinking at all then you don't have to think about it. You can just get your non alcoholic drink and get on with having a nice time!
 
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