Narcissistic and toxic parents #3

1
Where do I start. What a few weeks/months it's been. In this thread and previous I mentioned my family occasion where I had to invite NP, little did I know the path that lay ahead. The family event went off without hassle, awkward AF but the day was all in all tolerable. My NP behaved oddly for the day, standing with the caterers & all in all looking and behaving oddly. The day came and went. The come down and energy zapping the day after the event was exhausting and I was only fit for bed.

2 days later my sibling decided suddenly in a tragedy.

The days that followed lead me to being around my NP more than ive been over the past 10 years. But with great support from friends, lots of walks and podcasts I feel I did what I needed to do and got through it & returned to my own home and family.

Now is where the "fun" starts. Somehow, somewhere along the past few weeks, they're trying to(what I feel) is replace the time they would have spent with my sibling with me and my family. Having gone from taking ZERO interest in me, my life, my family they're now asking visit on Day X & spend time. Phonecalls and texts out of no where. I'm sad and I'm disappointed and feel like a player being called from the subs bench.

Friends views are mixed, some feel yes my NP are filling a void for my deceased sibling. While others think maybe their death has opened up my parents eyes. I was on the fence but leaning towards the latter.

Then we had a visit from them at the weekend. Nothing has changed. "Kids have too much. Kids don't have enough of XYZ. What was I doing for Christmas, am I going to their home (I've NEVER been invited!) You'd want to trim shrub, you should decorate. You should get rid of XYZ. Need to cut kids hair. List is endless.

My OH and I are unsure how to proceed with relationship. I'm still dealing with grief and navigating that. Whilst now trying to work through the mind duck games with my NP. OH thinks life is short etc etc etc. I don't think I can cope with them and now conflicted with maintaining a relationship or reverting to no contact that was working so well for me.

Any help or advice appreciated
 
not_influenced said:
Where do I start. What a few weeks/months it's been. In this thread and previous I mentioned my family occasion where I had to invite NP, little did I know the path that lay ahead. The family event went off without hassle, awkward AF but the day was all in all tolerable. My NP behaved oddly for the day, standing with the caterers & all in all looking and behaving oddly. The day came and went. The come down and energy zapping the day after the event was exhausting and I was only fit for bed.

2 days later my sibling decided suddenly in a tragedy.

The days that followed lead me to being around my NP more than ive been over the past 10 years. But with great support from friends, lots of walks and podcasts I feel I did what I needed to do and got through it & returned to my own home and family.

Now is where the "fun" starts. Somehow, somewhere along the past few weeks, they're trying to(what I feel) is replace the time they would have spent with my sibling with me and my family. Having gone from taking ZERO interest in me, my life, my family they're now asking visit on Day X & spend time. Phonecalls and texts out of no where. I'm sad and I'm disappointed and feel like a player being called from the subs bench.

Friends views are mixed, some feel yes my NP are filling a void for my deceased sibling. While others think maybe their death has opened up my parents eyes. I was on the fence but leaning towards the latter.

Then we had a visit from them at the weekend. Nothing has changed. "Kids have too much. Kids don't have enough of XYZ. What was I doing for Christmas, am I going to their home (I've NEVER been invited!) You'd want to trim shrub, you should decorate. You should get rid of XYZ. Need to cut kids hair. List is endless.

My OH and I are unsure how to proceed with relationship. I'm still dealing with grief and navigating that. Whilst now trying to work through the mind duck games with my NP. OH thinks life is short etc etc etc. I don't think I can cope with them and now conflicted with maintaining a relationship or reverting to no contact that was working so well for me.

Any help or advice appreciated
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First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Secondly, you don’t do anything you don’t want to or you’re not comfortable with. You are your own person and not second best. If she was so invested in having a relationship with you then she would have tried before your sibling passing, not just tried to replace them with you.
 
Hey, I don't know if anyone remembers my situation whereby my narc dad was pressuring me to give up my inheritance (money left to me by my grandmother) so that my auntie could have it all? He said there wasn't much left, and that my gran hadn't really wanted me to have it but that she'd not had chance to change her will (no proof of this whatsoever).

Well I received my inheritance and it is a substantial amount. So much so that I can now afford to work part time for thr next couple of years. I don't say that to brag but to make the point that it is life changing for me and my children - and why wouldnt he want that for me, and his grandchildren?

My auntie got her share (about £200k).

All of this had nothing to do with him, it was my mum's family and my mum died years ago.
 
Hi guys, my dad died earlier this month and we had his funeral a few days ago. I was estranged from him and so the funeral was awful, there were members of the family who kept away from me, but most people were very nice. We've just had a quick look at his will and it appears he's not left me anything, I'm not surprised. But it just reinforces my belief that I wasn't important to him after all. I'm winded. Devastated.

I know you will understand this predicament, its helpful for me to be able to share it with those who will know what this is like.
 
Bettyboo2475 said:
Hi guys, my dad died earlier this month and we had his funeral a few days ago. I was estranged from him and so the funeral was awful, there were members of the family who kept away from me, but most people were very nice. We've just had a quick look at his will and it appears he's not left me anything, I'm not surprised. But it just reinforces my belief that I wasn't important to him after all. I'm winded. Devastated.

I know you will understand this predicament, its helpful for me to be able to share it with those who will know what this is like.
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I dont feel able to give any worthwhile input. But i just wanted acknowledge your post. I hope you're looking after yourself ❤️
 
Bettyboo2475 said:
Hi guys, my dad died earlier this month and we had his funeral a few days ago. I was estranged from him and so the funeral was awful, there were members of the family who kept away from me, but most people were very nice. We've just had a quick look at his will and it appears he's not left me anything, I'm not surprised. But it just reinforces my belief that I wasn't important to him after all. I'm winded. Devastated.
I know you will understand this predicament, it’s helpful for me to be able to share it with those who will know what this is like.
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I’m so sorry you experienced this. You are better off without him. It’s my narc mother’s funeral next week. Met the celebrant today to give him ideas of what to say. It was an example of “glossing over “ a lot of history.
 
Bettyboo2475 said:
Hi guys, my dad died earlier this month and we had his funeral a few days ago. I was estranged from him and so the funeral was awful, there were members of the family who kept away from me, but most people were very nice. We've just had a quick look at his will and it appears he's not left me anything, I'm not surprised. But it just reinforces my belief that I wasn't important to him after all. I'm winded. Devastated.

I know you will understand this predicament, its helpful for me to be able to share it with those who will know what this is like.
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I’m so sorry. This also happened to me, he did leave money to my siblings though. I have never told anyone outside my family because I don’t think anyone would understand. I don’t know how common it is because I can’t imagine anyone shares stories like this, but I’m sure it’s more common than we think with estranged parents.
 
Readingismyhobby said:
I’m so sorry you experienced this. You are better off without him. It’s my narc mother’s funeral next week. Met the celebrant today to give him ideas of what to say. It was an example of “glossing over “ a lot of history.
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It was hearing my brother and cousins memories of him that were just so different to mine. I hope it goes well for you. I couldn't ever imagine cutting my kids out of my will xx
 
griftalo said:
My mum (who I am no contact with) has come to my house today and put a card through the door for my child’s birthday. I just want to be left alone, and I was just about to go out and now I can’t in case she’s hanging around. I haven’t given my child the card.
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Ah no 😔 they always come out of the woodwork on special occasions. I hope you're not too shaken ❤
 
griftalo said:
My mum (who I am no contact with) has come to my house today and put a card through the door for my child’s birthday. I just want to be left alone, and I was just about to go out and now I can’t in case she’s hanging around. I haven’t given my child the card.
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I would return the card to her in the post. It sends a definite message and gives you control of the situation.
 
My brother called me last night, and subjected me to an hour long conversation about why I'd gone no contact with my parents. Covering all old ground we've covered countless times before. In so much detail that after I felt almost empty. Im so confused as to whether he was genuninely interested in what I was telling him or if he was punishing me by making me recount it all. I know I'm rambling so apologies. I think from my experiences with my parents I am mentally damaged, so I find it hard to deal with these kind of intense conversations. He asked me if I was bipolar, and I said no but I have got PTSD from parental neglect. He had the opposite experience to me, he's the golden child whereas I'm the scapegoat. The phone call left me broken, and suicidal. What is the point of me. I think the less I am in peoples lives the better. He revalidated everything my parents made me feel.
 
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