LL Off Topic The Wrong Fellas #14

Morning Twattlers

Today’s Jammy Joke is probably older than I am.

A single women moves into her new apartment.

After settling in, she decides to go grocery shopping.

Since she is single, she only buys one of everything: one apple, one small carton of milk, one chicken breast, etc.

When she gets to the cashier, he scans her groceries 1-by-1, looks at her and says “Ah, you must be single…”

She blushes, and responds “How can you tell, is it because of the contents of my basket?”

“No” he says: “Its because you are bleeping ugly!” 😱😂😂

Half way through the week folks x
 
I thought she was keeping in touch via the pregnancy thread with you @raspberryjuice

Mr2of hasn't been at all well with sciatica. We've bought a grounding sheet for the bed....
She was, and then she blocked everyone and disappeared when she was asked how her pregnancy was going 🤷🏻‍♀️ she did have a new account to read along here (no idea of the username as it wasn’t me who referred her), she was just waiting to be approved to post so she may show up again one day. I suspect like ‘Della’ they’ve moved on though. Shame.

Hope Mr 2of’s sciatica improves soon! It’s awful. I could only get relief from lying on a cold floor when I had it.
 
My older brother was also 9 when he told me the truth about Santa. I was 4. What a bleep. (God rest his soul lol)

What a spoil sport your brother was haha. I had to get my car serviced at the garage today. Mini and I did not like the walk to the bus stop from the garage and back again when it was time to pick the car up. Plus my car needs a new glow plug. That can wait til after Xmas and the honeymoon has been paid
 
Morning Twattlers

Rushing around a bit today but still time to fire off a quick Jammy Joke of the Day:

A group of male coworkers play golf every Sunday. One of them is going to be away for a few weeks and they need a new player to fill his spot. A woman in the office asks if she can join them. “Sure,” says one of the men, “but we get started pretty early.”

“No problem,” says the woman. “I’ll get there at 8 or 8:30.”

Sunday comes around and the woman arrives at 8. She assumes a left-handed stance and aces every hole. The men are so impressed that they invite her back the next week.

“I’d love to,” she says. “I’ll get there at 8 or 8:30.”

Sunday comes around and the woman arrives at 8. This time she assumes a right-handed stance and again aces every hole. Needless to say, the men are blown away by her skill.

One man speaks up. “That was amazing! But how do you know if you’re gonna play lefty or righty?”

“Well,” the woman replies, “if I wake up in the morning and my husband’s penis hangs to the left, I play lefty. If it hangs to the right, I play righty.”

Thinking he’s being clever, one man asks “what if your husband’s penis is standing straight up?”

“Well then I won’t get here until 8:30” 😂😂

Have a good Thursday folks x
 
Good morning Twattlers - how did it get to Friday already!?

Anyway today’s Jammy Joke is this old classic:

A dad is walking through the park with his son. The kid sees a dog on-top of another dog and asks “Dad, what are those dogs doing?”

The dad says, “Well son, they’re trying to make puppies”.
“Cool!” the kid says.

The day goes on and it’s bedtime. The kid gets up and walks into his parent’s room to see daddy on-top of mummy. The son asks, “What are you doing to mummy, daddy?”

The dad says, “Well son, we’re trying to make a baby”.

The kid replies, “Well, turn her over, I’d rather have a puppy.” 😂😂😂

Have a happy Friday everybody x
 
Good morning Twattlers!
Jammy is getting some grandad time today, it’s the wee fella’s birthday ❤️

But before I go here’s the first of the weekend’s Jammy Jokes:

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No tit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How about a little head?'' 😂😂😂

Have a fabby Saturday x
 
Morning Twattlers. Yesterday was brilliant! Hope you all enjoyed the Strictly final last night too ❤️

Here’s Sunday’s Jammy Joke:

Bill called in sick one day and when he came back to work his boss asked him why he was away. “I wasn’t well” said Bill. Bill’s boss said “Listen, Bill. If I’m sick in the morning before work, I make love to my wife for an hour and I go to work feeling great. So, try that next time.”

A few weeks later, Bill arrives late to work. “Bill, why are you late?” “I was sick.” “Ok, but why are you here then?”

Bill explains. “Well, I tried what you suggested and now I feel bleeping great! Nice house you have, by the way”. 😂😂

Have a great day everyone x
 
My older ah sibling got in touch tonight to see what the kids wanted for Xmas... Not spoke to me since August but wants to do Xmas and rub it in she's getting her sterilisation in 2.5wks as she told me she would get done before me like she wanted. Her jabs didn't work as I'm in a much better place than I was then and so much so I've not bitten my nails in 2 months. Ill keep me and my family away like I have done it's been so much less stressful and very peaceful
 
Morning Twattlers

A busy week ahead with office parties etc. my oldest is also home from the USA so it will be good to catch up with him.

Anyway I digress, you’re only here for the Jammy Joke aren’t you? 😂

A man goes to the doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor says “I have some bad news. You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The man says “What do you mean I have to stop masturbating? Why?”

The doctor says “Because I’m trying to check your prostate!” 😂😂

Have a good day everyone x
 
Morning Twattlers

A quick Jammy Joke before I have to start work:

Three girls are sitting in the playground.

The first one says "My mummy called me Petal, because when she was pregnant with me, a petal fell on her tummy and she said it would bring me luck."

The second girl replies "My mummy called me Daisy, because when she was pregnant, a daisy fell on her tummy and she said it would bring me beauty and joy all my life."

The second girl asks the third girl "What's your name?"

"Bweeezebwock" 😂😂

Have a good day folks x
 
My out of office is on and that is me finished until Jan 6th. I am really looking forward to the break.

Hope everyone is doing ok. We are very quiet these days.
What a wonderful feeling that is Mrs.Darcy 🩷🩷

Yes we are quiet.... for me I have a lot going on in my life but I feel I can't share any of it because it's too identifiable 😞

I have been thinking of @Lucyxxxx and hoping she and her family are doing well
 
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