Liz Jones #4 Why am I so miserable and can't get a shag? Is it because I smell and am a drunken old hag?

Status
Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.
1
What duvet covers don’t have buttons? Just tucking them in wouldn’t work because a pillow stays in the same position but a duvet cover is going to move as you sleep, not to mention when you pull it around to make your bed, and at some point will become untucked.
 
The Podcast: Because some cows refuse to be put out to pasture

Liz and Nic hit us with an off-key rendition of "Waterloo." Liz drawls "I was tho in love with Agnetha when she was on Eurovision!" and says her long-suffering mum crocheted her a skullcap like Agnetha's. Nic says it seems like Liz asked her mum to make quite a lot of trendy clothes - probably showing more consideration for mum than Liz herself ever did.

Liz's archive column is from 2016 when she was sent to Stockholm to report on the then-new ABBA restaurant. The column includes "jokes" about suicide, and insulting the settings, food, and performers. The restaurant experience includes a performance of Mamma Mia! The Party and Liz sneers at the lead actress, who she calls "Beryl Cheap." She recalls when she was sent to interview Bjorn at short notice, but couldn't tell him or Benny apart, and had to ask him which one he was. I'm sure he was charmed by that. The column also includes irrelevant rambling about how much she hated her looks when she was a teenager. Liz filed this piece of copy and was then baffled as to why her editor asked her to make it "more cheerful."

After it's time for a round of Why Mothers Are Evil! Liz complains about a news article by a journalist who works reduced hours so she can take care of her kids ("GO TO WOOOOOOOOOOORK!") and another one by a fashion editor struggling with her teenage daughters. It's all your fault, women! Just be grateful you have kids/a husband and don't try to have a career too! If your kids are rude, that's your fault as well, Liz would never have dared be rude to her mum! No, she waited till she was in her 50s and mum had dementia. But it turns out Liz has past enmity with the writer of this article and accuses her of causing eating disorders by Photoshopping covers, while Liz always campaigned for healthy models, etc. etc. Liz doesn't get days off to be with her dogs and that's really what it's all about.

Column: "In Which I Try To Arrange A Getaway." Liz of course invited David 1.0 to Sicily with her. She doesn't like other-Dave's "Ferrari and badminton habit", although he has been "taking flying lessons to impress her." She doesn't have the patience to "break in a new man" and hates it when they want her to be on top during sex. She name-drops being on a yacht in Monaco and meeting Jennifer Lawrence, what does this have to do with the Sicily trip? I'm sure I don't know. Anyways, D-Scrace agreed to go. He asked her to be mindful of the fact he's older and not in great shape, so he cannot power walk all over the island with her.

Liz recycles the story about when she and David supposedly went to interview Donald Trump, only this time she says it was when he was opening a new resort in Scotland, and not as part of his state visit. Thankfully this time she leaves out the bit about David getting her bag blown up by the CIA. She says you must bring a man on a group holiday or you will be treated like a "maiden aunt" and given "a breezeblock bed in an annex." Liz looks different now because of something she was legally compelled not to write about, but NOT FOR MUCH LONGER! She'll reveal all soon, this is also the reason why she can't get work as it has required her to turn down so many writing jobs. Sure, Liz. Sure. However, compared to David in a mobility cart, she'll look like Florence Pugh (exact words) so she's cheered right up again and is happy to go on the holiday.

Jones Moans: Stop mowing yer lawn, it's supposed to be a meadow full of wildflowers! She wishes she were married to Monty Don (who'd just disappear into the long grass and not bother her) or Marcus Wareing (to cook for her.) Fan mail: Lisa feels sorry for Liz after her mental breakdown on the podcast last week. Some dipstick in Canada calls her "a once in a generation writer", which Liz resolves to adopt as her email signature. Nic suspiciously asks if Liz wrote it herself. You know it's bad when even Nic thinks this is excessive arse-kissing! Another reader wrote that Liz makes her laugh "with your dogs and horses and financial problems." We laugh too cuz it's all self-inflicted.
 
Last edited:
witchofwestbyfleet said:
The Podcast: Because some cows refuse to be put out to pasture

Liz and Nic hit us with an off-key rendition of "Waterloo." Liz drawls "I was tho in love with Agnetha when she was on Eurovision!" and says her long-suffering mum crocheted her a skullcap like Agnetha's. Nic says it seems like Liz asked her mum to make quite a lot of trendy clothes - probably showing more consideration for mum than Liz herself ever did.

Liz's archive column is from 2016 when she was sent to Stockholm to report on the then-new ABBA restaurant. The column includes "jokes" about suicide, and insulting the settings, food, and performers. The restaurant experience includes a performance of Mamma Mia! The Party and Liz sneers at the lead actress, who she calls "Beryl Cheap." She recalls when she was sent to interview Bjorn at short notice, but couldn't tell him or Benny apart, and had to ask him which one he was. I'm sure he was charmed by that. The column also includes irrelevant rambling about how much she hated her looks when she was a teenager. Liz filed this piece of copy and was then baffled as to why her editor asked her to make it "more cheerful."

After it's time for a round of Why Mothers Are Evil! Liz complains about a news article by a journalist who works reduced hours so she can take care of her kids ("GO TO WOOOOOOOOOOORK!") and another one by a fashion editor struggling with her teenage daughters. It's all your fault, women! Just be grateful you have kids/a husband and don't try to have a career too! If your kids are rude, that's your fault as well, Liz would never have dared be rude to her mum! No, she waited till she was in her 50s and mum had dementia. But it turns out Liz has past enmity with the writer of this article and accuses her of causing eating disorders by Photoshopping covers, while Liz always campaigned for healthy models, etc. etc. Liz doesn't get days off to be with her dogs and that's really what it's all about.

Column: "In Which I Try To Arrange A Getaway." Liz of course invited David 1.0 to Sicily with her. She doesn't like other-Dave's "Ferrari and badminton habit", although he has been "taking flying lessons to impress her." She doesn't have the patience to "break in a new man" and hates it when they want her to be on top during sex. She name-drops being on a yacht in Monaco and meeting Jennifer Lawrence, what does this have to do with the Sicily trip? I'm sure I don't know. Anyways, D-Scrace agreed to go. He asked her to be mindful of the fact he's older and not in great shape, so he cannot power walk all over the island with her.

Liz recycles the story about when she and David supposedly went to interview Donald Trump, only this time she says it was when he was opening a new resort in Scotland, and not as part of his state visit. Thankfully this time she leaves out the bit about David getting her bag blown up by the CIA. She says you must bring a man on a group holiday or you will be treated like a "maiden aunt" and given "a breezeblock bed in an annex." Liz looks different now because of something she was legally compelled not to write about, but NOT FOR MUCH LONGER! She'll reveal all soon, this is also the reason why she can't get work as it has required her to turn down so many writing jobs. Sure, Liz. Sure. However, compared to David in a mobility cart, she'll look like Florence Pugh (exact words) so she's cheered right up again and is happy to go on the holiday.

Jones Moans: Stop mowing yer lawn, it's supposed to be a meadow full of wildflowers! She wishes she were married to Monty Don (who'd just disappear into the long grass and not bother her) or Marcus Wareing (to cook for her.) Fan mail: Lisa feels sorry for Liz after her mental breakdown on the podcast last week. Some dipstick in Canada calls her "a once in a generation writer", which Liz resolves to adopt as her email signature. Nic suspiciously asks if Liz wrote it herself. You know it's bad when even Nic thinks this is excessive arse-kissing! Another reader wrote that Liz makes her laugh "with your dogs and horses and financial problems." We laugh too cuz it's all self-inflicted.
Click to expand...
Blimey. Well done for taking one for the team! I'll bet you a shiny shilling Dscrace told her to duck right off and the hol will mysteriously disappear.
---
soph30 said:
I wonder if Liz ever wanted kids? She does seem quite maternal towards the dogs, horses etc. She'd have projected all her issues with men on a boy and her eating issues on a girl, who she wouldn't be able to bear if she was bookish instead of thin and glamorous, and probs be jealous of
Click to expand...
Had she ever bred, the kids would have ended up with their Dad or in Care. She is far to selfish to be a parent.
 
Dreary. I'm calling it as 100% troll-bait for Dscrase. No-one goes through what she's put him through then suddenly pops up speaking like he's escaped from The Bunty...
 

Attachments

  • Screenshot_20230513_102253_PressReader.jpg
    Screenshot_20230513_102253_PressReader.jpg
    111.4 KB · Views: 54
What do we think her DISASTER that she's LEGALLY COMPELLED NOT TO WRITE ABOUT was? She implied on the podcast that the stress has made her look haggard - well I don't think it's just that lol. If anything really did happen my guess is it's to do with Poo Cottage, maybe the new owner got sick of her. She said a couple of weeks back that she was looking at property in London again, even though she's only just arranged with the new owner to stay
 
witchofwestbyfleet said:
What do we think her DISASTER that she's LEGALLY COMPELLED NOT TO WRITE ABOUT was? She implied on the podcast that the stress has made her look haggard - well I don't think it's just that lol. If anything really did happen my guess is it's to do with Poo Cottage, maybe the new owner got sick of her. She said a couple of weeks back that she was looking at property in London again, even though she's only just arranged with the new owner to stay
Click to expand...

My first thought was some cosmetic ‘enhancement’ going wrong.
 
Status
Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.
Back
Top