Liz Jones #4 Why am I so miserable and can't get a shag? Is it because I smell and am a drunken old hag?

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Why Does It Always Rain on Liz? Is It Because She Had No Horse When She Was Six? Or: The Podcast.

Liz's obsession of the week is Janice Dickinson. She plays Nic a clip of poor old Janice "puking up a lamb's testicles" on I'm a Celebrity. Janice is Liz's favourite 80s supermodel and Liz has had a bit of a girl crush on her since age 11, looked at her Vogue covers for hours or days on end etc. etc. They allegedly met at London Fashion Week and Janice was flattered to hear about Liz's fixation with her. And by flattered, I mean politely making conversation whilst desperately casting around for the nearest exit.

Liz tells Nic to "tag (Janice) in" on Twitter, as if Janice is supposed to know who this nobody is. If not for Janice, Liz never would have had anorexia or worked in fashion. Wasn't the anorexia her sister's fault for telling her not to put jam on toast or something ... as we say on Jack Monroe's threads, WFK (Who bleeping Knows?) She and Janice are JUST LIKE TWINS. Like her and Meghan Markle. And Marie Helvin. So are we up to ... quads now? More than that? The real loves of Liz's life were Janice and horses all along. Totes.

She says some stuff about Edward Enninful's tenure as editor of Vogue and that she loved the recent cover with Ellie Goldstein. What's this? Liz saying something slightly positive? But it doesn't last as she launches into a rant (based on Nic talking about a new book by Joanna Cannon, who used to be a psychologist) about how doctors, nurses, paramedics, etc. shouldn't be allowed to write books and should be out saving lives. Nic talks for a while about the book, which is a collection of people's personal stories about mental health. Nic says that she doesn't have any personal experience with this subject, well she works with Liz. In the words of Fawlty Towers "there's enough material there for an entire conference."

Nic rambles about how AI and filters will harm young women's self-esteem. Liz segues into her archive column, from 2019, about how she went to a Stanley Kubrick exhibition at the Design Museum. This bit's mostly harmless although there's lots of sycophantic "omg, really? No! I never knew that!!!" from Nic, and Liz gets in a dig at "NEPO BABIES."

Once again this ep is short - 10-13 minutes shorter than a normal episode. Time to speedrun this week's column! Dave II: Return of the Dave annoyed Liz by continuing to text her after the date. Liz thinks she should be a food critic and would win awards. She sneers at him for reading her column and saying that he doesn't find her intimidating. She brags that she has "better grammar than anyone in the world!" and HATES MS Word trying to correct her. Dave II asked if she still had feelings for the Dirty Baker, which he totally said, in no way was this an attempt to convince said baker to go crawling back to Liz.

She waxes lyrical about how she DOESN'T FANCY Dave II, she's done with NORMAL people, they have nothing interesting to talk about whereas she has met every celebrity in the world ever. She deserves someone more like Nigel, who can tell stories of meeting ghosts in a Rwandan war zone. Liz thinks David the Baker is still in luuuurve with her given the Tiffany's necklace she swiftly exchanged. She's arranged to view an apartment in Dalston and calls Hackney "a tit hole." She equates her forgetting her way around London with realising you have forgotten what a loved one looked like since they died. A truly genuine, compassionate note on which to end your column.

Fan mail! Carrie is reading The Exmoor Files and believes Liz ran up her enormous debts solely through the cost of caring for her rescue animals. Liz references a review of the book by Private Eye, titled "It's a bit thin, Lizzie." Private Eye "hates her" because "they're a bunch of nepotism, Oxford-educated white men." Still funnier than you'll ever be. Nic launches into a HILARIOUS ANTIDOTE about being a teenager and on a date with some guy who asked her to climb into the footwell of his Ford Capri. It turned out to be because he wanted her to fiddle about with his windscreen wipers, not his willy. Way to blow (pun mostly unintentional) your punchline there, Nic.
 
witchofwestbyfleet said:
Why Does It Always Rain on Liz? Is It Because She Had No Horse When She Was Six? Or: The Podcast.

Liz's obsession of the week is Janice Dickinson. She plays Nic a clip of poor old Janice "puking up a lamb's testicles" on I'm a Celebrity. Janice is Liz's favourite 80s supermodel and Liz has had a bit of a girl crush on her since age 11, looked at her Vogue covers for hours or days on end etc. etc. They allegedly met at London Fashion Week and Janice was flattered to hear about Liz's fixation with her. And by flattered, I mean politely making conversation whilst desperately casting around for the nearest exit.

Liz tells Nic to "tag (Janice) in" on Twitter, as if Janice is supposed to know who this nobody is. If not for Janice, Liz never would have had anorexia or worked in fashion. Wasn't the anorexia her sister's fault for telling her not to put jam on toast or something ... as we say on Jack Monroe's threads, WFK (Who bleeping Knows?) She and Janice are JUST LIKE TWINS. Like her and Meghan Markle. And Marie Helvin. So are we up to ... quads now? More than that? The real loves of Liz's life were Janice and horses all along. Totes.

She says some stuff about Edward Enninful's tenure as editor of Vogue and that she loved the recent cover with Ellie Goldstein. What's this? Liz saying something slightly positive? But it doesn't last as she launches into a rant (based on Nic talking about a new book by Joanna Cannon, who used to be a psychologist) about how doctors, nurses, paramedics, etc. shouldn't be allowed to write books and should be out saving lives. Nic talks for a while about the book, which is a collection of people's personal stories about mental health. Nic says that she doesn't have any personal experience with this subject, well she works with Liz. In the words of Fawlty Towers "there's enough material there for an entire conference."

Nic rambles about how AI and filters will harm young women's self-esteem. Liz segues into her archive column, from 2019, about how she went to a Stanley Kubrick exhibition at the Design Museum. This bit's mostly harmless although there's lots of sycophantic "omg, really? No! I never knew that!!!" from Nic, and Liz gets in a dig at "NEPO BABIES."

Once again this ep is short - 10-13 minutes shorter than a normal episode. Time to speedrun this week's column! Dave II: Return of the Dave annoyed Liz by continuing to text her after the date. Liz thinks she should be a food critic and would win awards. She sneers at him for reading her column and saying that he doesn't find her intimidating. She brags that she has "better grammar than anyone in the world!" and HATES MS Word trying to correct her. Dave II asked if she still had feelings for the Dirty Baker, which he totally said, in no way was this an attempt to convince said baker to go crawling back to Liz.

She waxes lyrical about how she DOESN'T FANCY Dave II, she's done with NORMAL people, they have nothing interesting to talk about whereas she has met every celebrity in the world ever. She deserves someone more like Nigel, who can tell stories of meeting ghosts in a Rwandan war zone. Liz thinks David the Baker is still in luuuurve with her given the Tiffany's necklace she swiftly exchanged. She's arranged to view an apartment in Dalston and calls Hackney "a tit hole." She equates her forgetting her way around London with realising you have forgotten what a loved one looked like since they died. A truly genuine, compassionate note on which to end your column.

Fan mail! Carrie is reading The Exmoor Files and believes Liz ran up her enormous debts solely through the cost of caring for her rescue animals. Liz references a review of the book by Private Eye, titled "It's a bit thin, Lizzie." Private Eye "hates her" because "they're a bunch of nepotism, Oxford-educated white men." Still funnier than you'll ever be. Nic launches into a HILARIOUS ANTIDOTE about being a teenager and on a date with some guy who asked her to climb into the footwell of his Ford Capri. It turned out to be because he wanted her to fiddle about with his windscreen wipers, not his willy. Way to blow (pun mostly unintentional) your punchline there, Nic.
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Does she really say she's liked Janice D since she was 11? Because when Liz was 11, Janice (born 1955) was 14.
 
Drear. It's very dreary.
---
witchofwestbyfleet said:
Why Does It Always Rain on Liz? Is It Because She Had No Horse When She Was Six? Or: The Podcast.

Liz's obsession of the week is Janice Dickinson. She plays Nic a clip of poor old Janice "puking up a lamb's testicles" on I'm a Celebrity. Janice is Liz's favourite 80s supermodel and Liz has had a bit of a girl crush on her since age 11, looked at her Vogue covers for hours or days on end etc. etc. They allegedly met at London Fashion Week and Janice was flattered to hear about Liz's fixation with her. And by flattered, I mean politely making conversation whilst desperately casting around for the nearest exit.

Liz tells Nic to "tag (Janice) in" on Twitter, as if Janice is supposed to know who this nobody is. If not for Janice, Liz never would have had anorexia or worked in fashion. Wasn't the anorexia her sister's fault for telling her not to put jam on toast or something ... as we say on Jack Monroe's threads, WFK (Who bleeping Knows?) She and Janice are JUST LIKE TWINS. Like her and Meghan Markle. And Marie Helvin. So are we up to ... quads now? More than that? The real loves of Liz's life were Janice and horses all along. Totes.

She says some stuff about Edward Enninful's tenure as editor of Vogue and that she loved the recent cover with Ellie Goldstein. What's this? Liz saying something slightly positive? But it doesn't last as she launches into a rant (based on Nic talking about a new book by Joanna Cannon, who used to be a psychologist) about how doctors, nurses, paramedics, etc. shouldn't be allowed to write books and should be out saving lives. Nic talks for a while about the book, which is a collection of people's personal stories about mental health. Nic says that she doesn't have any personal experience with this subject, well she works with Liz. In the words of Fawlty Towers "there's enough material there for an entire conference."

Nic rambles about how AI and filters will harm young women's self-esteem. Liz segues into her archive column, from 2019, about how she went to a Stanley Kubrick exhibition at the Design Museum. This bit's mostly harmless although there's lots of sycophantic "omg, really? No! I never knew that!!!" from Nic, and Liz gets in a dig at "NEPO BABIES."

Once again this ep is short - 10-13 minutes shorter than a normal episode. Time to speedrun this week's column! Dave II: Return of the Dave annoyed Liz by continuing to text her after the date. Liz thinks she should be a food critic and would win awards. She sneers at him for reading her column and saying that he doesn't find her intimidating. She brags that she has "better grammar than anyone in the world!" and HATES MS Word trying to correct her. Dave II asked if she still had feelings for the Dirty Baker, which he totally said, in no way was this an attempt to convince said baker to go crawling back to Liz.

She waxes lyrical about how she DOESN'T FANCY Dave II, she's done with NORMAL people, they have nothing interesting to talk about whereas she has met every celebrity in the world ever. She deserves someone more like Nigel, who can tell stories of meeting ghosts in a Rwandan war zone. Liz thinks David the Baker is still in luuuurve with her given the Tiffany's necklace she swiftly exchanged. She's arranged to view an apartment in Dalston and calls Hackney "a tit hole." She equates her forgetting her way around London with realising you have forgotten what a loved one looked like since they died. A truly genuine, compassionate note on which to end your column.

Fan mail! Carrie is reading The Exmoor Files and believes Liz ran up her enormous debts solely through the cost of caring for her rescue animals. Liz references a review of the book by Private Eye, titled "It's a bit thin, Lizzie." Private Eye "hates her" because "they're a bunch of nepotism, Oxford-educated white men." Still funnier than you'll ever be. Nic launches into a HILARIOUS ANTIDOTE about being a teenager and on a date with some guy who asked her to climb into the footwell of his Ford Capri. It turned out to be because he wanted her to fiddle about with his windscreen wipers, not his willy. Way to blow (pun mostly unintentional) your punchline there, Nic.
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I presume she didn't 'get' the Thin Lizzy pun?
 

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from the woman who was insisting she took her bath from her rental when it was up for sale. Also she is usually the horrible person in the nice house that she doesn't deserve.

As for the therapy, here is a tiger, what a load of shite, didn't happen

p.s. David 1.0...run for the hills mate, she's going to email you
 
shushablay said:
from the woman who was insisting she took her bath from her rental when it was up for sale. Also she is usually the horrible person in the nice house that she doesn't deserve.

As for the therapy, here is a tiger, what a load of shite, didn't happen

p.s. David 1.0...run for the hills mate, she's going to email you
Click to expand...
She's trolling him, desperately trying to get a response.
 
I think you're right, she has mentioned him numerous times in the last few dreary's. I highly doubt he sent her a pearl necklace in the first place, and now to have David 2.0 proclaiming that David 1.0 must still love her. Does she honestly think he's going to contact her and say "well I have no idea who sent the necklace but it wasn't me" and then she can say In Which I Receive a Text From David 1.0. It won't matter if she lies about the content of the text, just that HE texted HER! Hopefully he and his friends are sitting having a laugh about the desperation and the lies.
 
She says things about normal people being boring just to get people riled. She is boring herself with her image stuck in the past, her droning voice, her repetitive column. If she does actually believe she is more interesting than most, she is deluded. It’s always the ones that are on the margins of fame who are the most cringing awestruck by fame. The name dropping is tacky.
 
Fountains of Pain AKA The Podcast. Warning: it's a doozy this week.

Liz and Nic discuss Married at First Sight Australia. The final two episodes of the current series have not aired in the UK yet, but Liz and Nic have watched them on "an illicit website." This is serious stuff, people. Liz is on, like, the dark web or something. She talks about Duncan going to Alyssa's family home in "some godawful place in Australia. God, I hate Australia." Oh good, so you won't be going over there to bother Nigel then? She also sneers at Alyssa wanting Duncan to visit only at certain agreed times, because she's "got a chiiiiiild!" Liz saying this in whiny, mimicking tones. The fact that she doesn't understand why a mother is cautious about letting a potential stepfather into her child's life is a perfect illustration of why Liz should not be around children.

Nic simpers like a schoolgirl over Duncan: "he's emotionally sensitive and he's just loooovely!" Liz insults Alyssa, Cam, and Lyndall, but the real important issue here is that she's decided she needs no man. She doesn't want conflict and stress, she is so over wanting a relationship. Yes, this week's column is about dating and which of the two Davids she should choose. What makes you ask? She babbles about something or other she read somewhere: "people don't change, so if they don't add value to your life, just get rid of them." Liz really does think the sun shines from out the Hollywood-waxed area beneath her Myla thong.

She reads out some stuff from various press articles about how loneliness is believed to be as much of a risk to health as smoking or obesity. Then refers to a recent Times article about it, and people leaving comments saying they were lonely because e.g. their children had left home. Liz screams "YOU'RE NOT LONELYYYYY! YOU'RE MIDDLE CLASS TWATS!" at the top of her voice. She sounds truly unhinged at this point, even more so than usual. She rants about how you only ever hear from the "chattering classes" in the media, and real loneliness comes from poverty and not being able to afford to participate in society. There might be a germ of a reasonable argument here, but then Liz says she knows all about this because she doesn't have a nice home to invite people to, and her mother spent her entire life caring for others and never had fun. Who refused to be with your mother at the end of her life, Liz? Whose fault is it that your cottage is a disgusting hovel full of dog tit?

I'm going to copy the next bit verbatim. It's impossible to make fun of, she's done it for us: "My problems have come purely with other people preying on me and attacking me and taking advantage of my generosity. THAT is why I'm on my own, because people prey on me and they take advantage of me and they take money from me and all people want from me is my fame, my glitter, my Miranda Priestly sparkle, and they don't give anything back!" Yeah. Just let that sink in. Nic makes some relevant and thoughtful comments about how there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Liz cuts in: "people are just leeches, they're just bloodsuckers, they're not interesting, they're not funny!" Neither is she, so same difference, I guess.

Liz makes jibes at Alyssa (how dare this woman give a tit about her own child amirite?) and Nirpal. Nic tries to speak but is again cut off by Liz: "the Times should have an article by meeeeee about duck OFF other people, you're just leeches, I'm better off without you!" A bit optimistic to think she could pitch this and they'd commission and pay her, rather than call someone to section her. Liz says that Nic should stop putting up with men who don't care about her, Nic says that she lacks self-esteem and fears she won't get anyone else. Rather than show any kind of compassion, Liz returns to the subject of herself: "watching this series upset me because I'm grieving my old life." She used to have a beautiful home in London, a husband, designer clothes, etc. but now would "feel like a failure" if she brought a man home. Just criticise him endlessly and make him feel like the failure, Liz. Isn't that how you usually deal with it?

Nic blows smoke up Liz's arse: she's worked so hard, she's battled through, look what she's achieved in her career, etc. etc. Liz sniffs and wails and says she's "at the end of my tether! I have been struggling since 2006-2007! I have not taken one day off!" Hinting that there are lots of things she can't reveal yet for "legal readings" (?) but she will, just wait!

On to the column: "In Which I Ponder a Sunshine Break." What's that about never having a day off? Liz makes Nic read out the column this time. Liz texted David to ask him to go on a trip to Sicily with her, all expenses to be paid by her. It's supposed to be ambiguous to the reader as to which David she means, but Nic has already given away that it was the Dirty Baker. A friend who lives in Sicily supposedly invited her, but there will be a big group of people, so at least Liz won't have to speak to whichever David she deigns to bring. She wants a whole new wardrobe styled after Amanda Holden and will, no doubt, plead poverty the following week.

She meanders at length about how no one actually bothers to wear an eye mask or put on face cream when sitting in economy class. Then makes a lengthy list of complaints about men and why she doesn't like going on holiday with them. There is much name-dropping of Louis Vuitton luggage, 5-star hotels, and seeing Angelina Jolie at a famous hotel in St Tropez. This develops into her listing selfish or unreasonable things she thinks David would do if she took him to Sicily. I'm genuinely surprised she didn't get in a "Oi! Scrace! NO!" at this point. She ends by saying that she won't reveal yet which David was "lucky" enough to be invited. They'd probably be more grateful not to be expected to go to Sicily with the selfish, self-absorbed, whining old witch.

This week's Liz Jones Moans: The White Company duvet covers (the buttons come off and ruin her Miele washing machine), people who carry on talking after she tells them he's DEAF, Harrison on MAFS Australia. Archive column is about when Liz met Bruce Oldfield, who designed Camilla's outfit for the coronation. Liz puffs up with pride at having interviewed the man who "dressed the future Queen." Camilla already is Queen; the future Queen is Kate. Liz found Bruce interesting but somewhat rude, she of course has to get in there that he has dressed Marie Helvin who is Liz's eternal twin and etc. etc. etc. Liz simpers "I'm so worried about Marie, she should be rolling in money by now but she's broke and renting ..." But does she have Liz's debt and history of tax-dodging? She also makes a crack about Camilla's weight, yes, really.

Fan mail: "Pauline" wants to read The Turtle's Head and asks Liz to self-publish. So did Nic send this one or did Liz actually send it to herself this time? Nic reiterates that this book will blow your mind, you've never read sex in fiction like it! Katrina from Epsom wants Liz to tell a "secret" just for the podcast listeners - hardly a secret then is it. Liz repeats that there are things she's "not allowed" to write about yet but will soon. Nic rummages for a secret of her own and the best she can come up with is "my horse knocked two of my teeth out." The fate of The Turtle's Head still not disclosed, so we won't get in our Bad Sex in Fiction Awards nomination just yet.
 
witchofwestbyfleet said:
Fountains of Pain AKA The Podcast. Warning: it's a doozy this week.

Liz and Nic discuss Married at First Sight Australia. The final two episodes of the current series have not aired in the UK yet, but Liz and Nic have watched them on "an illicit website." This is serious stuff, people. Liz is on, like, the dark web or something. She talks about Duncan going to Alyssa's family home in "some godawful place in Australia. God, I hate Australia." Oh good, so you won't be going over there to bother Nigel then? She also sneers at Alyssa wanting Duncan to visit only at certain agreed times, because she's "got a chiiiiiild!" Liz saying this in whiny, mimicking tones. The fact that she doesn't understand why a mother is cautious about letting a potential stepfather into her child's life is a perfect illustration of why Liz should not be around children.

Nic simpers like a schoolgirl over Duncan: "he's emotionally sensitive and he's just loooovely!" Liz insults Alyssa, Cam, and Lyndall, but the real important issue here is that she's decided she needs no man. She doesn't want conflict and stress, she is so over wanting a relationship. Yes, this week's column is about dating and which of the two Davids she should choose. What makes you ask? She babbles about something or other she read somewhere: "people don't change, so if they don't add value to your life, just get rid of them." Liz really does think the sun shines from out the Hollywood-waxed area beneath her Myla thong.

She reads out some stuff from various press articles about how loneliness is believed to be as much of a risk to health as smoking or obesity. Then refers to a recent Times article about it, and people leaving comments saying they were lonely because e.g. their children had left home. Liz screams "YOU'RE NOT LONELYYYYY! YOU'RE MIDDLE CLASS TWATS!" at the top of her voice. She sounds truly unhinged at this point, even more so than usual. She rants about how you only ever hear from the "chattering classes" in the media, and real loneliness comes from poverty and not being able to afford to participate in society. There might be a germ of a reasonable argument here, but then Liz says she knows all about this because she doesn't have a nice home to invite people to, and her mother spent her entire life caring for others and never had fun. Who refused to be with your mother at the end of her life, Liz? Whose fault is it that your cottage is a disgusting hovel full of dog tit?

I'm going to copy the next bit verbatim. It's impossible to make fun of, she's done it for us: "My problems have come purely with other people preying on me and attacking me and taking advantage of my generosity. THAT is why I'm on my own, because people prey on me and they take advantage of me and they take money from me and all people want from me is my fame, my glitter, my Miranda Priestly sparkle, and they don't give anything back!" Yeah. Just let that sink in. Nic makes some relevant and thoughtful comments about how there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Liz cuts in: "people are just leeches, they're just bloodsuckers, they're not interesting, they're not funny!" Neither is she, so same difference, I guess.

Liz makes jibes at Alyssa (how dare this woman give a tit about her own child amirite?) and Nirpal. Nic tries to speak but is again cut off by Liz: "the Times should have an article by meeeeee about duck OFF other people, you're just leeches, I'm better off without you!" A bit optimistic to think she could pitch this and they'd commission and pay her, rather than call someone to section her. Liz says that Nic should stop putting up with men who don't care about her, Nic says that she lacks self-esteem and fears she won't get anyone else. Rather than show any kind of compassion, Liz returns to the subject of herself: "watching this series upset me because I'm grieving my old life." She used to have a beautiful home in London, a husband, designer clothes, etc. but now would "feel like a failure" if she brought a man home. Just criticise him endlessly and make him feel like the failure, Liz. Isn't that how you usually deal with it?

Nic blows smoke up Liz's arse: she's worked so hard, she's battled through, look what she's achieved in her career, etc. etc. Liz sniffs and wails and says she's "at the end of my tether! I have been struggling since 2006-2007! I have not taken one day off!" Hinting that there are lots of things she can't reveal yet for "legal readings" (?) but she will, just wait!

On to the column: "In Which I Ponder a Sunshine Break." What's that about never having a day off? Liz makes Nic read out the column this time. Liz texted David to ask him to go on a trip to Sicily with her, all expenses to be paid by her. It's supposed to be ambiguous to the reader as to which David she means, but Nic has already given away that it was the Dirty Baker. A friend who lives in Sicily supposedly invited her, but there will be a big group of people, so at least Liz won't have to speak to whichever David she deigns to bring. She wants a whole new wardrobe styled after Amanda Holden and will, no doubt, plead poverty the following week.

She meanders at length about how no one actually bothers to wear an eye mask or put on face cream when sitting in economy class. Then makes a lengthy list of complaints about men and why she doesn't like going on holiday with them. There is much name-dropping of Louis Vuitton luggage, 5-star hotels, and seeing Angelina Jolie at a famous hotel in St Tropez. This develops into her listing selfish or unreasonable things she thinks David would do if she took him to Sicily. I'm genuinely surprised she didn't get in a "Oi! Scrace! NO!" at this point. She ends by saying that she won't reveal yet which David was "lucky" enough to be invited. They'd probably be more grateful not to be expected to go to Sicily with the selfish, self-absorbed, whining old witch.

This week's Liz Jones Moans: The White Company duvet covers (the buttons come off and ruin her Miele washing machine), people who carry on talking after she tells them he's DEAF, Harrison on MAFS Australia. Archive column is about when Liz met Bruce Oldfield, who designed Camilla's outfit for the coronation. Liz puffs up with pride at having interviewed the man who "dressed the future Queen." Camilla already is Queen; the future Queen is Kate. Liz found Bruce interesting but somewhat rude, she of course has to get in there that he has dressed Marie Helvin who is Liz's eternal twin and etc. etc. etc. Liz simpers "I'm so worried about Marie, she should be rolling in money by now but she's broke and renting ..." But does she have Liz's debt and history of tax-dodging? She also makes a crack about Camilla's weight, yes, really.

Fan mail: "Pauline" wants to read The Turtle's Head and asks Liz to self-publish. So did Nic send this one or did Liz actually send it to herself this time? Nic reiterates that this book will blow your mind, you've never read sex in fiction like it! Katrina from Epsom wants Liz to tell a "secret" just for the podcast listeners - hardly a secret then is it. Liz repeats that there are things she's "not allowed" to write about yet but will soon. Nic rummages for a secret of her own and the best she can come up with is "my horse knocked two of my teeth out." The fate of The Turtle's Head still not disclosed, so we won't get in our Bad Sex in Fiction Awards nomination just yet.
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I really enjoy your round ups. Thanks so much for taking one for the team!
 
She’s going to base herself on Amanda Holden? Apart from they both hold themselves in high regard, Amanda is happily married, has a loving family, she is successful, rich, her hair doesn’t look like a witches crown, she’s popular and she is about 12 years younger than Lizard. What part of that is LJ going to emulate.
 
I cannot believe she has started a David saga again, David #1 is gone, hopefully never to return and I doubt David #2 even exists. Unless she thinks that as she managed to bullshit her way through a story with the fake rock star, she can just make up nonsense about David, without really inferring which one, she'll be just as nasty and mean about him and it will go on and on, til she loses the column or dies or whatever, So boring I doubt I'll bother with it if she goes that route, time is precious and having spent a lovely day with my daughter yesterday, I know what is important, jug ears definitely is not. In fact had to force myself to read that today, and I usually feel deflated after reading, wondering how can a person who has so much, be so unpleasant and toxic. Then there are a few times that what she writes is so ridiculous, it makes me laugh..not with her...at her.
 
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