Jack Monroe #593 Just a jumble of pratness

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Marmalade Atkins said:
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HEAL

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BlendedSlop said:
And Then There Was Slop - Chapter 1

Dr Detective Inspector Dr Mack Honrodjicostas woke to the peripatetic, parsimonious sounds of the dawn chorus and the gentle sunlight gently, tentatively, tenderly caressing her flawless skin. Emerging like an ephemeral butterfly from her Rubenesque repose, she painstakingly stretched and made her way over to her dressing table.

She regarded herself in the sentient mirror as she carefully applied a liberal application of her homemade face cream (aquafaba, CHEAP liquid soap, and mixed fish oil). She peered more closely, admiring her reflection in the glass: the bright, expressive eyes, like bottomless pools of wisdom, the dainty button nose, the fulsome lips, naturally plump and with the slight sheen of fresh strawberries after a light rain [note to self - more adjectives needed].

If only they could see her now. All the bullying, mendacious bullies from her past who had sneered she was too intelligent to be a policemanlady, too pretty to be non-binary, too humble to rise through the ranks and become a detective, too kind-hearted to lock people up for a living. She allowed herself a brief smile as she imagined their faces, twisted and indignant at her success despite all the odds. And what odds they'd been.

Another day of hunting evildoers stretched out before her. She was in the midst of a particularly complex serial murder case; technically, the crimes had taken place outside of her jurisdiction, but she'd been transferred onto the case at the personal request of the Chief Constable. "Look, Mack," he'd told her over a glass of homemade salad bag tea shandy, "My officers are keen, but, well, let's just say they're not double-doctors. I need the best of the best on this, and Forces up and down the country are forever talking about all the good you do. So how about helping us nail this bastard?"

She hadn't needed much convincing. This perp [note to self - check with police friends if they actually say that] had a particularly unique and gruesome MO; to date, five victims had been found, all having been force-fed a concoction of prune and bacon porridge to the point of asphyxiation. An unusual calling card, an impractical and filthy antique spoon, had been left next to each body. Even more baffling - and she had kept this to herself for obvious reasons - the recipe used by the killer was her very own, from her previous career as a hugely successful and renowned cookbook author. Curiously, however, said recipe had never actually been published. How did the killer know about it? Were they trying to send her a message? It felt to Mack as though they were taunting her, like so many teachers, careers advisers, employers, fellow cookbook authors, former fiancées...

[note to self - need to rework slightly. Maybe add in Borbora and co as minor antagonists, etc. But first, dino nap.]
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Now. THAT is what I call "fictional novelleting"!*

Chapeau, tenderauthor. Policemanlady chapeau to you.



*In my ignorance I had always thought that a novel, by definition, was fictional - but what do I know? I'm not a double-doctoring non-binary smog pixie with 247 crumbly foot bones . . . .
 
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3 1/2 years ago you went to rehab, guest. But you weren’t gently loved back to anything because you were blatantly fucked off your chump or hungover/coming down on myriad occasions throughout 2022 including, but not limited to:
Here’s the link to the vid. She’s absolutely off her face here.

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If you can’t face the whole thing, @Yel saved the bit where she’s slurring and cackling and hooting maniacally about apples getting smaller.

Jack Monroe #553 Fairytale of No Pork

What would her costume be? A peg? A massive schnozz?
tattle.life

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What she claimed she looked like that month v. What she actually looked like that month
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Then the very next month she’d been Sober for a year
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(April 2024: Went sober over 3 years ago.)
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and all the other 2022 appearances on tv,
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at talks, festivals, radio, maniacal tweet sprees, late shows and no-shows etc etc which suggested that you might not quite be living your BEST SOBER LIFE.

You went AWOL for most of 2023 but your appearances on TV the morning after you were being guest to Dame Kelly Holmes and Emilie Sande in May 2023
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and the utter bleeping shitshow that was your Greenbelt appearance suggests you were…perhaps…not? ❄

❤thanks to all fraus who grabbed the original ss, @Yel for the maniacal apples clip and to @Marmalade Atkins for the nice collages ❤
 
Valiofthedolls said:
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3 1/2 years ago you went to rehab, guest. But you weren’t gently loved back to anything because you were blatantly fucked off your chump or hungover/coming down on myriad occasions throughout 2022 including, but not limited to:
Here’s the link to the vid. She’s absolutely off her face here.

View attachment 3273929 q
If you can’t face the whole thing, @Yel saved the bit where she’s slurring and cackling and hooting maniacally about apples getting smaller.

Jack Monroe #553 Fairytale of No Pork

What would her costume be? A peg? A massive schnozz?
tattle.life

View attachment 3273925 qView attachment 3273926 qView attachment 3273927 qWhat she claimed she looked like that month v. What she actually looked like that month View attachment 3273928 q
View attachment 3273940 qView attachment 3273972 qView attachment 3273942 qView attachment 3273954 q
Then the very next month she’d been Sober for a year
View attachment 3273931 q(April 2024: Went sober over 3 years ago.) View attachment 3273966 q
View attachment 3273967 qView attachment 3273950 qView attachment 3273968 qView attachment 3273952 q
and all the other 2022 appearances on tv, View attachment 3273959 qView attachment 3273962 qView attachment 3273960 qView attachment 3273961 q
at talks, festivals, radio, maniacal tweet sprees, late shows and no-shows etc etc which suggested that you might not quite be living your BEST SOBER LIFE.

You went AWOL for most of 2023 but your appearances on TV the morning after you were being guest to Dame Kelly Holmes and Emilie Sande in May 2023
View attachment 3273947 qView attachment 3273946 q
and the utter bleeping shitshow that was your Greenbelt appearance suggests you were…perhaps…not? ❄

❤thanks to all fraus who grabbed the original ss, @Yel for the maniacal apples clip and to @Marmalade Atkins for the nice collages ❤
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Telling a ten year old in a public Christian gathering that you fell on a cock because you were both high on poppy seeds is not the action of a sober person.
 
Darvos said:
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Tedious ego of it, as per rialto. They did not follow you anywhere, guest. They were there first and have been having a perfectly pleasant time. Now duck off.
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They’ve been healing and having biscuits for months no doubt before #nogranola Jack rocked up.

I wonder what biscuit she’s referring to when she says people should have a biscuit. I reckon she’d have a hobnob.
 
zetta buttons said:
They’ve been healing and having biscuits for months no doubt before #nogranola Jack rocked up.

I wonder what biscuit she’s referring to when she says people should have a biscuit. I reckon she’d have a hobnob.
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She’s no doubt referring to those bleeping disgusting anaemic rancid nut sawdust pucks Mother Hen brought all her best friends at her AA meetings. But yeah, she’d have a hobnob cos no way is she eating this tit.
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Grim bleep
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ss @Boyo (as was) and @Marmalade Atkins

Linky link but be warned that Poetry Jack also lies within

Jack Monroe #344 344%

I was thinking about that poem/this painting last night. Perhaps we’ll be treated to Jack replicating this by sitting in the back garden in an inflatable dinghy that’s covered in all the throws from her sofas, wearing her long flowing wig and wrapped in her William Morris curtain. I for one am...
tattle.life
 
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