Jack Monroe #593 Just a jumble of pratness

[Five hundred dogs]

Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if she was Jimmy Nailing it about the puttanesca-for-breakfast just to show how qUirKy and keer-razy she is, it gives me strong Rik from the Young Ones vibes.
Although it’s not really that odd on a global scale. I feel like we’re conditioned to think that bland and/or sweet food are the only acceptable options in the mornings when most of the world tucks into savoury and spicy breakfasts.

 

[rage naan]

If the cash sale had gone through on the fishy fella’s flat, I don’t believe for a second there is any way in the world she’d deign to live in a place like that (no shade on fishy, just a one bedroom flat in a terrace- from her earliest days of RENTing she’s never, ever lived in a one bed although she’s lied and pretended to).

Strongly suspect she was buying fishy’s flat to get on the landlording ladder just like her sainted granddaddy/insufferable sainted daddy, and that she was going to use the rent from tenants in the flat to help pay the rent on her humble three bedroom bungaversailles. She’d have expected saint daddy to sort out all the day to day landlording business for her while she sat on her Mediterranean playing let’s pretend to all her friends on the internet.

Evil Landlady’s going to have to prise her out of that big ol detatched house with a fish-dreg-oiled crappy stick*, cos let’s face it, guest’s not having much luck in finding a wealthy homeowning older partner to actually take her up the aisle and buy her a mansion.

*Or use a giant catapult and fling her sorry arse out of there over the top of the giant eucalyptus and onto the tennis courts before getting the fumigators in.

I am also 100% convinced it was to be let out. she didn't understand leasehold, why would she comprehend things like buying to let having different rules

 

[Valiofthedolls]

I'm coming out in hives at the thought of that rancid grit going anywhere near my skin.

Did someone say…

Spoiler: Slop warning

rancid grit toast, @colouredlines
coy voile rancid grit cake, dipshit’s own.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Did someone say…

Spoiler: Slop warning

View attachment 3269258 qView attachment 3269259 qView attachment 3269261 qrancid grit toast, @colouredlines
coy voile rancid grit cake, dipshit’s own.

By "green bread" she means "mouldy", doesn't she? Look at the state of it.

 

[Clovis]

Did someone say…

Spoiler: Slop warning

View attachment 3269258 qView attachment 3269259 qView attachment 3269261 qrancid grit toast, @colouredlines
coy voile rancid grit cake, dipshit’s own.

I thought, she didn't actually put basil on that "cake", it must be some weird food colouring trompe l'oeil thingy.

Nope, the buffoon did indeed sprinkle basil on a cake. She even has the effrontery to describe it as "subtle" lmao.

Recipes thrice tested by nutritionists, my arse.

 

[Seaford Haggington]

Her baked goods look like festering evil.

 

[MediumLoad]

Her baked goods look like festering evil.

Matches her personality then.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Her baked goods look like festering evil.

Mither: took ages to find that pic cos remember them looking drier than the Sahara and like they’d break all 344 of your teeth, so was searching for rock cakes.

Spoiler: but they’re actually…

probably better to be pelted with those and the ramekin of oily snuff-sprinkled Caramac poo splat than have this fly-blown moist skin graft rubber frisbee, oops! sorry! this delicious-looking cooked-until-golden apple and sultana pancake chucked anywhere in your general direction tho.

A few scant DVD: ladles

Edit to fix spoiler chaos

 

[Funsizes]

Guest must be a pro at puttanesca given her claiming to have been, well, a puttanesca.

 

[griftalo]

It would be like coming full circle, cos that’s (one of her stupid-ass fantasies about) where she got her start.

Guardian, 2014.
View attachment 3269192 qView attachment 3269199 q

Spoiler: Edit: ooops! I stand corrected!

Evening Standard 2015 View attachment 3269202 qView attachment 3269207 q indeeeeeeed. View attachment 3269210 q

Bellendicus extravangantis. I just can’t even put into words how much of a bleeping useless tool she is.
BRB though, off to order sodium laureth sulfate n stuff to make shower gel

 

[HotesTilaire]

Did someone say…

Spoiler: Slop warning

View attachment 3269258 qView attachment 3269259 qView attachment 3269261 qrancid grit toast, @colouredlines
coy voile rancid grit cake, dipshit’s own.

See, she reckons her friends (just out of shot, you don’t know them they go to a different school etc) give her all these nicknames like Wednesday or Perky Blinder or Shelby, but actually Rancid Grit does suit her.

What’s old Rancid Grit been up to now? Still pretending to use excel?

 

[griftalo]

View attachment 3269305 qView attachment 3269320 qMither: took ages to find these cos remember them looking drier than the Sahara and like they’d break all 344 of your teeth, so was searching for rock cakes.

Spoiler: but they’re actually…

View attachment 3269309 qprobably better to be pelted with those than have this fly-blown moist rubber frisbee, oops! sorry! this delicious-looking cooked-until-golden apple and sultana pancake chucked anywhere in your general direction tho.

View attachment 3269323 q
A few scant DVD: ladlesView attachment 3269333 q

Edit to fix spoiler chaos

My kids, while grateful for my home baking, would honestly say to me “what on earth is that?” if I were to hand these dentally injurous pebbles over for school lunch boxes. A muffin you say?!! A muffin that is meant to be moist and soft and lovely to eat? Had she ever eaten a muffin before? These look like something you take on a picnic to scare off seagulls with

 

[ForgettyBetty]

I hadn't noticed the muffins before, they look like rock cakes.
I don't think she'd have had any success with vlogs even with editing, as this and the various yorkshires, the facetuning etc shows that she has no idea what things are supposed to be like or look like at the end.

 

[Seaford Haggington]

Those "pancake" items look congealed.

 

[MavisBeacon]

Imagine her committing to film her idea of nicely creamed butter and sugar, or her triumphant cracking yorkies. She'd be even more of a laughing stock than she already is.

 

[nothanksbabes]

Did someone say…

Spoiler: Slop warning

View attachment 3269258 qView attachment 3269259 qView attachment 3269261 qrancid grit toast, @colouredlines
coy voile rancid grit cake, dipshit’s own.

"Whisked excessively"... but what was whisked? Because it you overwork the mix after you put the flour in, you activate the gluten and end up with a rubbery cake. Something she'd know, if she could cook.

 

[BeardyBap]

Oh nothing babe, just off on an Agatha Christie Cream Goblet Fishing Gig to stock up on fresh anchovies.

 

[griftalo]

View attachment 3269305 qView attachment 3269320 qMither: took ages to find that pic cos remember them looking drier than the Sahara and like they’d break all 344 of your teeth, so was searching for rock cakes.

Spoiler: but they’re actually…

View attachment 3269309 qprobably better to be pelted with those and the ramekin of oily snuff-sprinkled Caramac poo splat than have this fly-blown moist skin graft rubber frisbee, oops! sorry! this delicious-looking cooked-until-golden apple and sultana pancake chucked anywhere in your general direction tho.

View attachment 3269323 q
A few scant DVD: ladlesView attachment 3269333 q

Edit to fix spoiler chaos

Just realised it looks like sliced chestnut mushroom on the pancakes, which adds an extra layer of yuk to the thought of them.

 

[SouthendRealEstate]

Get a bleeping grip and grow the duck up, you Tragic fantasist twit. You’re almost 40.

In an alternate universe, where swearies are allowed, this is the next thread title.

 

[Darvos]

View attachment 3269305 qView attachment 3269320 qMither: took ages to find that pic cos remember them looking drier than the Sahara and like they’d break all 344 of your teeth, so was searching for rock cakes.

Spoiler: but they’re actually…

View attachment 3269309 qprobably better to be pelted with those and the ramekin of oily snuff-sprinkled Caramac poo splat than have this fly-blown moist skin graft rubber frisbee, oops! sorry! this delicious-looking cooked-until-golden apple and sultana pancake chucked anywhere in your general direction tho.

View attachment 3269323 q
A few scant DVD: ladlesView attachment 3269333 q

Edit to fix spoiler chaos

[Vom Gathering/Vom/Diarrhea Forthcoming]

All the stages of a guest feast. Can’t say we weren’t WARNED