Friends (or lack of) #2

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gossipqueen_101 said:
Hey, so bit of a random one. I'm 24 and I lost a lot of friends when I went through a violent relationship a few years ago. I have now graduated from uni and feel soo lonely. I made friends on my course, but noone I feel I could meet outside of uni settings. Now I have time on my hands, I've been looking at a range of festivals abroad I would LOVEEEEE to go to but I have noone to go with and it's starting to really make me feel down...
I was just wondering are there any groups or group chats anyone can recommend for others in this situation who want to go away but have noone to go with or do I just go alone and make friends there? I would love to go to festivals like the winter tomorrowland in 2024, looks unreal.

Sorry I probably make no sense and this post is kind of all over the place, I'm just not sure where else to ask without feeling embarrassed
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You make plenty of sense so don’t apologise for anything.

can you rekindle any friendships that you lost? Sometimes (or maybe it’s my mania)when you rekindle with someone you were close to things can be really easy to instigate.

good luck, I hope you get to go to the festivals you want.
 
I’m glad I found this thread as I relate to so much that has been said here and it makes me feel less alone (although I’m sorry you are all feeling lonely too). I never had any trouble making friends, always had a big group of friends through school and uni and stayed close with a lot of people afterwards.

In my early 20s I moved to another country for a few years, and by the time I moved back all my old friends had moved on without me. Tried meeting up with some of them again but it was clear we were at different life stages and didn’t have anything in common any more so those friendships all fizzled out. I feel so much regret for moving away and not holding onto those friendships more closely when I had the chance. I see people who have had the same friend group for years and years and think I could have had that if I hadn’t been so stupid.

I did eventually make some new friends through work, including one really close friend who I ended up renting a flat with for a couple of years. All was going well until lockdown where I think the stress and isolation got to us a bit and we had a massive falling out. Since then, for the first time in my life I’ve found myself with basically no friends. I have a couple of people I know through my boyfriend, but they were his friends first and they’ve known each other for ages, so although we get along well in a group setting, they’re not the kind of friends I’d feel comfortable asking to meet up with one-on-one or coming to them with a problem etc.

Since 2020 I’ve been working fully remote so I don’t have the opportunity to meet people through work anymore. I also feel like my personality completely changed during the covid times, as I used to be quite confident and outgoing whereas now I have a lot of anxiety and I just feel shy, awkward, and out of practice. I’m scared to even try and make friends because I don’t feel like my best self, and I know I’d just come across really weird and put people off. A big part of the fear is, what if they find out I don’t have any other friends and it’s a huge red flag?

I am on a waitlist for counselling and I’m hoping talking to someone will help me to feel a bit more confident again, because I think making friends with myself is the first step. and after that, maybe I’ll feel brave enough to join a class or a hobby group etc where I might have a chance to meet people. Right now the thought of that sounds absolutely terrifying, but you never know 🤞

Thanks if you managed to read to the end, just wanted to get all this off my chest really! Love to everyone who is feeling lonely and I really hope this is just a hard time in our lives that will pass ❤
 
glubby said:
I’m glad I found this thread as I relate to so much that has been said here and it makes me feel less alone (although I’m sorry you are all feeling lonely too). I never had any trouble making friends, always had a big group of friends through school and uni and stayed close with a lot of people afterwards.

In my early 20s I moved to another country for a few years, and by the time I moved back all my old friends had moved on without me. Tried meeting up with some of them again but it was clear we were at different life stages and didn’t have anything in common any more so those friendships all fizzled out. I feel so much regret for moving away and not holding onto those friendships more closely when I had the chance. I see people who have had the same friend group for years and years and think I could have had that if I hadn’t been so stupid.

I did eventually make some new friends through work, including one really close friend who I ended up renting a flat with for a couple of years. All was going well until lockdown where I think the stress and isolation got to us a bit and we had a massive falling out. Since then, for the first time in my life I’ve found myself with basically no friends. I have a couple of people I know through my boyfriend, but they were his friends first and they’ve known each other for ages, so although we get along well in a group setting, they’re not the kind of friends I’d feel comfortable asking to meet up with one-on-one or coming to them with a problem etc.

Since 2020 I’ve been working fully remote so I don’t have the opportunity to meet people through work anymore. I also feel like my personality completely changed during the covid times, as I used to be quite confident and outgoing whereas now I have a lot of anxiety and I just feel shy, awkward, and out of practice. I’m scared to even try and make friends because I don’t feel like my best self, and I know I’d just come across really weird and put people off. A big part of the fear is, what if they find out I don’t have any other friends and it’s a huge red flag?

I am on a waitlist for counselling and I’m hoping talking to someone will help me to feel a bit more confident again, because I think making friends with myself is the first step. and after that, maybe I’ll feel brave enough to join a class or a hobby group etc where I might have a chance to meet people. Right now the thought of that sounds absolutely terrifying, but you never know 🤞

Thanks if you managed to read to the end, just wanted to get all this off my chest really! Love to everyone who is feeling lonely and I really hope this is just a hard time in our lives that will pass ❤
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Sorry that you’ve been having a tough time, I hope that counselling will help and you can find some nice new friends, from your comment you sound like a kind person.

Funny that you mention covid and feeling like your personality changed due to it. I was thinking about this recently, and feel like lockdown has had such a bad impact on so many people’s lives, especially young people. At the time I totally was all for lockdown, especially working in healthcare and seeing the horrific effects and the people who died of it, even after the vaccines. But I can’t deny that it didn’t have big effects on me and so many others. That level of isolation just isn’t right for people, we are social creatures. And in our younger years which are so important for developing as people, I think this is going to be a big issue in people our age.
 
Thank you ❤
I was all for the lockdowns too, it’s easy to look back and think differently but it was the only option at the time before vaccines etc. But it was a really isolating time for lots of people. I didn’t realise how much I relied on going to the office for socialising and I didn’t really have any friends outside of work. I also realised you need to keep exercising your social skills otherwise you get out of practice!
 
Has anyone reconnected with an old friend and as soon as you meet them you realised why you disappeared?
They don’t respect your time, make small digs purposely not directed at you, put you down for your lifestyle choices again indirectly, doesn’t ask you questions about your life ,competitive behaviour and they always want you to meet them at their desired location.
I feel so stupid reconnecting with this person if I never saw them in town I would have not bothered. I couldn’t really avoid them. I guess I was feeling isolated so thought why not give the friendship another shot.
Now I feel embarrassed as I plan to cut them off again and I wouldn’t want to see them around town again. I feel like I’m going mad. I know since meeting them yesterday I just feel like tit.
What would you do ?
 
alwaysdreaming said:
Has anyone reconnected with an old friend and as soon as you meet them you realised why you disappeared?
They don’t respect your time, make small digs purposely not directed at you, put you down for your lifestyle choices again indirectly, doesn’t ask you questions about your life ,competitive behaviour and they always want you to meet them at their desired location.
I feel so stupid reconnecting with this person if I never saw them in town I would have not bothered. I couldn’t really avoid them. I guess I was feeling isolated so thought why not give the friendship another shot.
Now I feel embarrassed as I plan to cut them off again and I wouldn’t want to see them around town again. I feel like I’m going mad. I know since meeting them yesterday I just feel like tit.
What would you do ?
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Yes I've definitely had this. I suppose it's like why people get together with old boyfriends (nostalgia) and then usually it doesn't work out!

That person sounds like a user, only interested in you to 'take' rather than mutual give and take. If you feel lousy after seeing them, it's a good idea to cut off again.
 
I just wanted to say I also feel very lonely. I have some friends but they all live away so I see them about 3 times a year.

I had one friend I met through school. I have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth and saying the wrong thing. I went to the pub with her and her boyfriend. Made a joke which she didn't like. She said she needs to learn to trust me again. When I have spoken to my husband and my close but faraway friends they are shocked that someone hasn't worked out it's what I do by accident. I don't know what to do. I feel really bad.

Any who. I have joined park run and met some people but most are 'paired up!' My husband sometimes makes little digs at me and I do wonder if we'll make it. We have been together for a long time. Then when I work and have school etc... I feel as though I am out of the loop and this affects my child.

Does anyone else find it so hard to be certain they aren't the problem?
 
@Merrybiscuit Small digs probably just means he is a bit frustrated about something. Could be job, his friends, feeling lonley, something you do. It doesn’t have to mean breakup 🌹😊.
You could talk to him about it and see what’s up. It doesn’t have to be about you.
And that friend, whatever you said, you would always have to tiptoe around her. Maybe the problem is her being too sensitive 🤔
 
Hi all, I’m in my 50s and relate to everything posted so far. I have friends they never actually want to book or go anywhere other than for a coffee and quick catch up. Re meet up - I decided to set up a social group myself as then I could control the events and vet members, it’s a good solution if nothing locally is fitting your needs. I also joined the WI and was pleasantly surprised by the mix of ages and variety of events, they are very welcoming to new members. It’s moving things on from an acquaintance to a real life friend that I struggle with.
 
chelseag said:
Hi all, I’m in my 50s and relate to everything posted so far. I have friends they never actually want to book or go anywhere other than for a coffee and quick catch up. Re meet up - I decided to set up a social group myself as then I could control the events and vet members, it’s a good solution if nothing locally is fitting your needs. I also joined the WI and was pleasantly surprised by the mix of ages and variety of events, they are very welcoming to new members. It’s moving things on from an acquaintance to a real life friend that I struggle with.
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That great to hear your positive experiences with MeetUp and the WI.

I wonder if people have become more anti social since the pandemic, people seem a bit more lazy about making and committing to plans!

I agree that it's hard to move from acquaintance to real life friend. Tbh I think it's about length of time you've known them and how long you've spent in each others company.
 
I think moving from acquaintance to friends depends on both parties feeling that there’s chemistry and the conditions being right.

sometimes it’s easier to make friends at work because you’re in each others company a lot, and slowly but surely day after day you get to know one another better, but sometimes you just meet someone and have an affinity with them straight away so want to spend time with them - and if it’s mutual you can start a friendship.

it’s rare for me to have that though, lovely when it does happen.
 
gossipqueen_101 said:
Hey, so bit of a random one. I'm 24 and I lost a lot of friends when I went through a violent relationship a few years ago. I have now graduated from uni and feel soo lonely. I made friends on my course, but noone I feel I could meet outside of uni settings. Now I have time on my hands, I've been looking at a range of festivals abroad I would LOVEEEEE to go to but I have noone to go with and it's starting to really make me feel down...
I was just wondering are there any groups or group chats anyone can recommend for others in this situation who want to go away but have noone to go with or do I just go alone and make friends there? I would love to go to festivals like the winter tomorrowland in 2024, looks unreal.

Sorry I probably make no sense and this post is kind of all over the place, I'm just not sure where else to ask without feeling embarrassed
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Girl we about the same age and I did Boomtown last year on my own because I did the volunteering. None of my friends wanted to come. Met girls who I'm still friends with. You could do that.

You could also try the Facebook. This group here:

https://m.facebook.com/groups/2285336035886945349/

It won't let me link
Screenshot_20230914_160515_Chrome.jpg
 
it’s not been changed?! said:
Am I petty to phase out a friendship with someone who never wants to do anything, just wants to stay in touch via text?! I could understand if they lived miles away…. She lives 25 mins drive away. I don’t want a penpal, I like do actually do things with people!!
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Maybe phrase it out. Leave it to them
To contact you.
In the past I’ve always been the one to txt 1st
N try and organise days/coffee dates….found once I stopped never heard from these so called friends.
 
Duck Face said:
Does anyone have any ideas or tips on how to respond to negativity? I’m getting a little bit tired of mentioning things to people and being told the worst case scenario will happen. I don’t think it’s very helpful and from one specific person I suspect it can be a bit passive aggressive.
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That sounds really rude of them! Are they saying it in a know-it-all way?

I'd respond something like 'well I'm really hoping that doesn't happen...'
 
Popcornshovel said:
That sounds really rude of them! Are they saying it in a know-it-all way?

I'd respond something like 'well I'm really hoping that doesn't happen...'
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Thank you. I’ll try saying that next time. Maybe I need to be more positive myself to try and ward it off somehow.

I think with one of them she’s just quite a negative person in general so I don’t take it personally although I do find it disheartening. But the potentially passive aggressive person, I told her today that my child wanted to go to bed early tonight so the morning would come quicker because they’re excited about something and instead of saving ‘aww that’s cute’ or whatever, she replied to say that today is a terrible day for an early night because of the clock change. I don’t understand what would possess someone to create a problem where one doesn’t exist like that.
 
I wrote a post a while ago about a friend of mine who stepped down as a bridesmaid because she was pregnant and didn’t want the stress of being a bridesmaid too…. update: she’s completely ghosted me now. We were absolute best friends for about 5 years or so, I text her a few weeks ago asking if she had had the baby yet (I didn’t want to keep asking her if she’d had the baby as I didn’t want to bother her and contact was minimal anyway) and she gave birth weeks ago and didnt share the news with me.
I keep reading through our messages over the past year thinking what have I done wrong, I don’t know whether I’m the asshole in this situation but I sent many messages and wouldn’t get a reply for weeks, or get left on read. I organised to go out a few times and she always cancelled last minute. It’s obvious she doesn’t want me in her life (from lack of information about the baby news)and I also don’t want to get into the whole situation with her as I know she’s not long given birth etc so I think I’m just going to have to take this one as a loss.
it’s just a shame, adult friendships are HARD
 
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