Dating after lockdown #37 - One thing men are consistent with is the AUDACITY.

[Jojoo]

Seconding the

He's future faking and his "you haven't told me what you're doing tonight" sounds super controlling wtf. You haven't even been on ONE date????

Nope, I got busy last night so didn’t have a chance to message him again and he text about 10pm ish but I didn’t reply as I fell asleep he messaged this morning saying “morning, (don’t feel you have to apologise for falling asleep)” as much as the red flags I now feel the ick! I’ve messaged this morning and put an end to it, just said it’s been nice to get to know him but I feel like we want different things and wishes him the best.

 

[Rayne]

Nope, I got busy last night so didn’t have a chance to message him again and he text about 10pm ish but I didn’t reply as I fell asleep he messaged this morning saying “morning, (don’t feel you have to apologise for falling asleep)” as much as the red flags I now feel the ick! I’ve messaged this morning and put an end to it, just said it’s been nice to get to know him but I feel like we want different things and wishes him the best.

I think you‘ve done the right thing, his response to that if you get one will also be very telling. I think a lot of these newly divorced men just want a replacement for their wife (who is probably out there now living her best life with her new found freedom from him), and that’s why they are oblivious they’re coming on so strong.

 

[YeahBrackie]

Nope, I got busy last night so didn’t have a chance to message him again and he text about 10pm ish but I didn’t reply as I fell asleep he messaged this morning saying “morning, (don’t feel you have to apologise for falling asleep)” as much as the red flags I now feel the ick! I’ve messaged this morning and put an end to it, just said it’s been nice to get to know him but I feel like we want different things and wishes him the best.

Loads of red flags with this guy. Planning all the things he's going to take you to in future in order to put pressure on you to meet his standards and make sure it works out so you can experience those things, the weird "You haven't told me what you're doing. I suppose you should" which is such a strangely formal way of phrasing it, like you're having to justify yourself to your boss or something (not to mention it's a huge red flag in terms of being possessive and controlling.) Speaking badly of previous partners is also a red flag.

And the whole "Don't feel you have to apologise for falling asleep" is the biggest red flag of all. He's basically calling you out on it, drawing attention to it in a way that's trying to make you feel uncomfortable about it, and trying to pass himself off as an understanding guy whilst at the same time knowing the response to him telling you not to feel like you have to apologise will inevitably be for you to absolutely feel like you have to apologise. I'm glad you've decided to sack him off, or a year or so down the line it would be "Oh, please don't feel like you have to apologise for dressing that way/ embarrassing me in front of my friends/ going out with your friends instead of me"

 

[Jojoo]

Loads of red flags with this guy. Planning all the things he's going to take you to in future in order to put pressure on you to meet his standards and make sure it works out so you can experience those things, the weird "You haven't told me what you're doing. I suppose you should" which is such a strangely formal way of phrasing it, like you're having to justify yourself to your boss or something (not to mention it's a huge red flag in terms of being possessive and controlling.) Speaking badly of previous partners is also a red flag.

And the whole "Don't feel you have to apologise for falling asleep" is the biggest red flag of all. He's basically calling you out on it, drawing attention to it in a way that's trying to make you feel uncomfortable about it, and trying to pass himself off as an understanding guy whilst at the same time knowing the response to him telling you not to feel like you have to apologise will inevitably be for you to absolutely feel like you have to apologise. I'm glad you've decided to sack him off, or a year or so down the line it would be "Oh, please don't feel like you have to apologise for dressing that way/ embarrassing me in front of my friends/ going out with your friends instead of me"

Wow thank you! I didn’t see it like that!!
He replied saying it was a bit of shock but okay and I think maybe blocked me as his photo has gone.
Thank you everyone

 

[Lalla]

I think you've done the right thing in calling time on it, you don't need someone like that.

My ex was the master of the pass-agg putdown. He would say things like 'oh I don't mind that you did XYZ, you don't have to apologise'' - when in fact he did VERY much mind, and it was intended to make me feel bad. Another favourite was to say after the event 'oh I hoped you would have said/ done ABC, but I didn't like to bring it up' - no, in fact he either wasn't that bothered at the time, or was bothered but stored it up to use against me later.
There were lots of positives in our relationship but equally it's things like this that I do not miss one bit, because they would often come out of nowhere and just make me feel tit.

 

[Guyyyyyzzzzzz]

Been chatting to a guy for a few days and a few points I’m not sure about so wanted to see what others thought..

he’s super keen for a date, I gave him the dates I could do next week and he chose a week day and then said if it goes well we got the weekend too for a second one. True but he also knows I have kids so it’s not always that easy.

today he’s invited me for a show in a months time ‘IF next week works out’ just want to tell him to chill out and take it one day at a time. I’ve got a list of about twenty things he’s going to take me too etc it’s just a bit like woah

he got divorced last year and has made a few comments about how his ex daddy stepped in to pay the legal bills, my dads paying my legal bills so feel like he’s being a dick there

Monday night he said you haven’t told me what you’re doing tonight I suppose you should. Why? I didn’t actually reply to that as it made me feel funny

I just don’t know if I’m being

That’s certainly not normal behaviour. Has he started on about why it ended with his ex? I always find that shows who they really are

 

[Jojoo]

That’s certainly not normal behaviour. Has he started on about why it ended with his ex? I always find that shows who they really are

No he never said why it ended and I never asked, just that he checked out but said stuff like his love language was act of service and she would never help with things and also made excuses and she would never sit on him in public which was just a weird comment

 

[boomska]

So, I went away for a week after my first date. And we continued talking while i was away. I got back on Friday, and he came round Friday night and we watched football together with my housemate. We then we went upstairs and went to bed and had sex. I dropped him off at his house an we had a kiss goodbye.

We've been texting on and off today but I'm full of nerves/insecurity that it was too soon, and he's going to go off me and he's just going to see me as a sex toy, and not a relationship (this is due to past "relationships"/grown men acting like little boys!)

Ahhh i hate this! My friends have read our text messages and they all think he's being fine with me but i dunno.....any advice please? I'm not good at dating at all lol

 

[Thank(space)you]

I miss going on dates and having someone to be excited about

 

[boomska]

So, I went away for a week after my first date. And we continued talking while i was away. I got back on Friday, and he came round Friday night and we watched football together with my housemate. We then we went upstairs and went to bed and had sex. I dropped him off at his house this morning and we had a kiss goodbye.

We've been texting on and off today but I'm full of nerves/insecurity that it was too soon, and he's going to go off me and he's just going to see me as a sex toy, and not a relationship (this is due to past "relationships"/grown men acting like little boys!)

Ahhh i hate this! My friends have read our text messages and they all think he's being fine with me but i dunno.....any advice please? I'm not good at dating at all lol

Couldn't change a typo lol

 

[LaBlonde]

I miss going on dates and having someone to be excited about

i miss feeling anything about it all tbh. when i get the notification telling me i have a match, i can’t even summon up the energy to open it. bumble bees have expired without me ever looking at their little hives.

i guess i’m always conscious that time is moving on while i’m just trying to gather together any kind of enthusiasm because i would genuinely like to meet someone on this point but whatever you’re “supposed” to do with dating, i’m just not doing it right

 

[Lalla]

whatever you’re “supposed” to do with dating, i’m just not doing it right

If ever a sentence summed up my romantic/ relationship history, this is it

I blame my lack of interest on being middle aged and menopausal but I think it's also at least in part just not wanting to put myself through all that torture again. I never found any of it fun or enjoyable. It was like a rollercoaster (I hate rollercoasters ).

I do feel a bit like my life is drifting past but then remind myself that many people my age are in pretty lacklustre marriages so I certainly have no illusions that grass is greener. Just wish I could summon some enthusiasm for anything other than looking for my dream house on Rightmove.

 

[Good Egg]

I understand how you feel. But are you maybe giving this man too much power?

So he turned out to be a rotten egg, but what are you going to do about it?

You won't change him, no matter how many months you complain about him and how many arguments you raise.

At some stage you have to shift the focus to YOU and your life and your actions. If you want to stay alone (for a while or forever) then go and create a life you enjoy. He is not going to feel bad just because you do.

If you chose to radically accept his actions, simply "let him" and focus on your own life you can get your power back!

I also learned that if I feel bad it makes me feel better to do something for someone else. Maybe volunteer at a charity or walk a dog at your local dog rescue. This might sound daft! But it really helps me to get perspective.

This is really good advice and I’ve taken it on board. Time for me for the foreseeable. I need to figure where I’m going and what I need to achieve and how to do it.

It’s just an awful awful feeling I’m left with. I just can’t describe it. I feel bereft? I don’t know.
I’m focusing on me. I’m trying to sort myself out and be in a good place again.

I saw him today.

How do you let go of the urge and desire to find love, like how do I go back to being single me again? I was happy albeit very lonely in the 17 year men break. It’s like the sex seal has been lifted and I’m craving to be held, like how he held me, craving to be kissed and just to have a connection and yet equally don’t want to feel hurt and pain like this ever again. How do I lose my desire to find a life partner?

I went to the local shopping mall near me yesterday. I felt so different and disconnected from everyone. Couples, families... I spent the entire time pondering why can’t I have that? What is wrong with me?

I’m facing a huge identity crisis. Even with friends at the moment. I can’t stop crying when I’m alone (you know like those tears that drench the pillow). I’m early forties and I feel pathetic. Like some stupid teenager. I don’t know why I’m giving him that much power. I guess he persued this and chased me initially and nobody has done that in quite a while and now he got what he needed he discarded me and it’s bloody cruel to have no closure.

Sorry to keep droning on and depressing this thread. I’m so sorry.

 

[LookyLou]

This is really good advice and I’ve taken it on board. Time for me for the foreseeable. I need to figure where I’m going and what I need to achieve and how to do it.

It’s just an awful awful feeling I’m left with. I just can’t describe it. I feel bereft? I don’t know.
I’m focusing on me. I’m trying to sort myself out and be in a good place again.

I saw him today.

How do you let go of the urge and desire to find love, like how do I go back to being single me again? I was happy albeit very lonely in the 17 year men break. It’s like the sex seal has been lifted and I’m craving to be held, like how he held me, craving to be kissed and just to have a connection and yet equally don’t want to feel hurt and pain like this ever again. How do I lose my desire to find a life partner?

I went to the local shopping mall near me yesterday. I felt so different and disconnected from everyone. Couples, families... I spent the entire time pondering why can’t I have that? What is wrong with me?

I’m facing a huge identity crisis. Even with friends at the moment. I can’t stop crying when I’m alone (you know like those tears that drench the pillow). I’m early forties and I feel pathetic. Like some stupid teenager. I don’t know why I’m giving him that much power. I guess he persued this and chased me initially and nobody has done that in quite a while and now he got what he needed he discarded me and it’s bloody cruel to have no closure.

Sorry to keep droning on and depressing this thread. I’m so sorry.

There's no need to be sorry. You've been dealt a blow that only time can heal.

You're still young. If you want to find someone decent, it can happen.

That rotter is the loser. Forget he exists.

Let things settle, clear your mind and choose your path.

Be extra kind to yourself.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I know it's not the advice thread but I'm struggling a bit in terms of dating atm and feel like you lot on here will give me the reality check I need

I'm 31, been properly single for 4 years, last good date I went on was a year ago. I get matches on the apps but no messages.

I just feel like my time is running out, I know I scrub up alright, but I am overweight (am doing something about it though!) (5ft8 size 14) I'm intelligent, yes I have trauma but I've done a lot of therapy and I have coping mechanisms in place, I just don't get why men don't want me? I really want a family unit, a husband and more kids. But my biological clock isn't so much ticking as it is screaming at me I have the opportunity to settle with my ex, who's offering me everything I want, but I know I'm such an advocate to other people not to settle. Yet here I am seriously considering it?

I'm not sure what I'm after for posting really, maybe some reassurance that just because I'm not a skinny 25 year old that there is someone out there for me?

A psychic told me I'd meet someone this year and we're halfway through and nada

Also, unrelated, I saw the guy who's number I got (who then never messaged except once) earlier today when I was reversing out of my road. Thank god I needed to concentrate on driving so I could ignore the fact he was looking at me and smiling at me. He can get in the bin lol

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

This is really good advice and I’ve taken it on board. Time for me for the foreseeable. I need to figure where I’m going and what I need to achieve and how to do it.

It’s just an awful awful feeling I’m left with. I just can’t describe it. I feel bereft? I don’t know.
I’m focusing on me. I’m trying to sort myself out and be in a good place again.

I saw him today.

How do you let go of the urge and desire to find love, like how do I go back to being single me again? I was happy albeit very lonely in the 17 year men break. It’s like the sex seal has been lifted and I’m craving to be held, like how he held me, craving to be kissed and just to have a connection and yet equally don’t want to feel hurt and pain like this ever again. How do I lose my desire to find a life partner?

I went to the local shopping mall near me yesterday. I felt so different and disconnected from everyone. Couples, families... I spent the entire time pondering why can’t I have that? What is wrong with me?

I’m facing a huge identity crisis. Even with friends at the moment. I can’t stop crying when I’m alone (you know like those tears that drench the pillow). I’m early forties and I feel pathetic. Like some stupid teenager. I don’t know why I’m giving him that much power. I guess he persued this and chased me initially and nobody has done that in quite a while and now he got what he needed he discarded me and it’s bloody cruel to have no closure.

Sorry to keep droning on and depressing this thread. I’m so sorry.

He might have (re-) activated an abandonment wound that you have.

Have you read about betrayal trauma and trauma bonding? There are also good videos on YouTube.

It is normal to feel what you feel.

If you like to feel better/different, I would suggest a three-pronged approach:

- Do some "home therapy", "be your own therapist" by reading about betrayal trauma, trauma bonding, attachment styles etc.
Just take some notes and see what applies to you.

- Find a new focus.
Make a list of ten things you like to try / learn and then do them. Something that pushes your comfort zone, like jumping out of a plane, learning Spanish, do a cookery class, paint your living room, go thrifting for new home decor.

- Do something with your body.
Do the Couch to 5K, do YouTube fitness videos, go volunteering (at Oxfam, the local animal shelter -> helps you focus on someone else's poor fortune and you get to know new people)

This is how you get your power back. Be disciplined about it.

 

[freezelouise43]

If ever a sentence summed up my romantic/ relationship history, this is it ❤

I blame my lack of interest on being middle aged and menopausal but I think it's also at least in part just not wanting to put myself through all that torture again. I never found any of it fun or enjoyable. It was like a rollercoaster (I hate rollercoasters ).

I do feel a bit like my life is drifting past but then remind myself that many people my age are in pretty lacklustre marriages so I certainly have no illusions that grass is greener. Just wish I could summon some enthusiasm for anything other than looking for my dream house on Rightmove.

I could have written this myself! I’m you’re agensnv in exactly the same boat. I downloaded tinder (frankly at this point which app are you even meant to use?!) and set my age range to 45-55 and after swiping for a bit, liked about 3 profiles and gave up. I never got any matches years ago the apps were so busy now maybe everyone’s as jaded as each other. Trying to just keep busy with work and friends and remind myself that there’s not actually anyone I fancy so what am I missing?

 

[Good Egg]

He might have (re-) activated an abandonment wound that you have.

Have you read about betrayal trauma and trauma bonding? There are also good videos on YouTube.

It is normal to feel what you feel.

If you like to feel better/different, I would suggest a three-pronged approach:

- Do some "home therapy", "be your own therapist" by reading about betrayal trauma, trauma bonding, attachment styles etc.
Just take some notes and see what applies to you.

- Find a new focus.
Make a list of ten things you like to try / learn and then do them. Something that pushes your comfort zone, like jumping out of a plane, learning Spanish, do a cookery class, paint your living room, go thrifting for new home decor.

- Do something with your body.
Do the Couch to 5K, do YouTube fitness videos, go volunteering (at Oxfam, the local animal shelter -> helps you focus on someone else's poor fortune and you get to know new people)

This is how you get your power back. Be disciplined about it.

Thank you. This is really useful. I will take a look. Thank you again.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Thank you. This is really useful. I will take a look. Thank you again.

I do not want to sound harsh, but "taking a look" won't do anything. Just write the list, set aside 1-2 hours every day and tick of one item after the other.

Taking positive action is the antidote to feeling bad.

I promise you: if you follow through with this you will feel so much better by the end of the summer. You will post here saying that you had many different experiences, learned so much and feel better in your day-to-day.

 

[monepierce]

I know it's not the advice thread but I'm struggling a bit in terms of dating atm and feel like you lot on here will give me the reality check I need

I'm 31, been properly single for 4 years, last good date I went on was a year ago. I get matches on the apps but no messages.

I just feel like my time is running out, I know I scrub up alright, but I am overweight (am doing something about it though!) (5ft8 size 14) I'm intelligent, yes I have trauma but I've done a lot of therapy and I have coping mechanisms in place, I just don't get why men don't want me? I really want a family unit, a husband and more kids. But my biological clock isn't so much ticking as it is screaming at me I have the opportunity to settle with my ex, who's offering me everything I want, but I know I'm such an advocate to other people not to settle. Yet here I am seriously considering it?

I'm not sure what I'm after for posting really, maybe some reassurance that just because I'm not a skinny 25 year old that there is someone out there for me?

A psychic told me I'd meet someone this year and we're halfway through and nada

Also, unrelated, I saw the guy who's number I got (who then never messaged except once) earlier today when I was reversing out of my road. Thank god I needed to concentrate on driving so I could ignore the fact he was looking at me and smiling at me. He can get in the bin lol

I’m experiencing something similar.

I’m 29 and I’ve been off the dating apps over a year and I have no interest in downloading them ever again, because I’ve been using them on off for 10 years and I’ve never gotten asked out on an actual date. Just countless talking stages that resulted in ghosting and guys who bullied me in school super liking me and messaging me.

I have a very specific genre of men I’m attracted to and it’s nonexistent other than online. and the rare times I do have a crush on someone I’m invisible to them, they have a girlfriend or immediately get one straight away

on a daily basis I’m nothing much to look at because I don’t wear makeup every day and I love my comfy casual clothes but when I do get dressed up and have makeup on and I know I look good I still don’t receive that much attention, and if I do it’s from guys I’m not attracted to or they’re already in relationships. I’m tall (5ft 9) and thin and people tell me guys stare at me all the time but I don’t notice it, and they never make it known. I’m also neurodivergent so I’m very socially awkward and I think people find me off putting for that reason when it’s not my intention.

I’m beginning to panic because my 20s are nearly over and I never had the relationship experience, people my age are already getting married and having babies and I never even got to experience the excitement of being on a first date. I feel so behind. I’m not in a hurry for any of those things, I’d just love the experience of a relationship and some romance in my life

I also went to a psychic last year and she said I’ll meet my person this year, but there’s no sign, I’m very close to giving up if it doesn’t

(also if everyone could please refrain from saying I don’t love myself, it’ll happen when you least expect it etc, I’ve heard every cliche in the book so I’d rather not listen to them, thank you)