Dating after lockdown #37 - One thing men are consistent with is the AUDACITY.

[Good Egg]

I was single 4 years, i was bit of a serial dater trying to find the one but when i went on a dating banned I met my partner through work and even though we've had our moments we are stronger then ever and we've been together close to 7 months end if this month and been looking at houses together. We've also been on a few little breaks away without the kids but booked our first family holiday for next year.

All I can say is don't give up or try to hard as that was my mistake, once I took a relax approached my friendship with my colleague blossom and we met and fell in love organically

Did this... it didn’t work our friendship grew into more. Still ghosted me! Happy for you though xx
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With the whole being ghosted too I just wanted to add no you were never “too busy” it’s not an acceptable excuse because if you were “too busy” you wouldn’t be scrolling, liking other woman’s posts, commenting on them and also being tagged in things like meet ups etc etc on your FB profile for me to see!

You are never “too busy” to reply ever!! Also this is a professional with a good career and high responsibility job. A man in his 50’s... no my love you weren’t “too busy” because remember before you had me you used to tell me all the things you wanted to do with me? You still had the same job then!!!

<bitter? Me? Never> sorry if it makes me sound vengeful but really?

 

[Beaversabout]

Did this... it didn’t work our friendship grew into more. Still ghosted me! Happy for you though xx
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With the whole being ghosted too I just wanted to add no you were never “too busy” it’s not an acceptable excuse because if you were “too busy” you wouldn’t be scrolling, liking other woman’s posts, commenting on them and also being tagged in things like meet ups etc etc on your FB profile for me to see!

You are never “too busy” to reply ever!! Also this is a professional with a good career and high responsibility job. A man in his 50’s... no my love you weren’t “too busy” because remember before you had me you used to tell me all the things you wanted to do with me? You still had the same job then!!!

<bitter? Me? Never> sorry if it makes me sound vengeful but really?

Yes!! This is so true. No one is ever that busy, especially posting on FB in the meantime and texting others etc. it's wether you are a priority or not. You can always make the time to see someone or do something.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Did this... it didn’t work our friendship grew into more. Still ghosted me! Happy for you though xx
---
With the whole being ghosted too I just wanted to add no you were never “too busy” it’s not an acceptable excuse because if you were “too busy” you wouldn’t be scrolling, liking other woman’s posts, commenting on them and also being tagged in things like meet ups etc etc on your FB profile for me to see!

You are never “too busy” to reply ever!! Also this is a professional with a good career and high responsibility job. A man in his 50’s... no my love you weren’t “too busy” because remember before you had me you used to tell me all the things you wanted to do with me? You still had the same job then!!!

<bitter? Me? Never> sorry if it makes me sound vengeful but really?

I understand how you feel. But are you maybe giving this man too much power?

So he turned out to be a rotten egg, but what are you going to do about it?

You won't change him, no matter how many months you complain about him and how many arguments you raise.

At some stage you have to shift the focus to YOU and your life and your actions. If you want to stay alone (for a while or forever) then go and create a life you enjoy. He is not going to feel bad just because you do.

If you chose to radically accept his actions, simply "let him" and focus on your own life you can get your power back!

I also learned that if I feel bad it makes me feel better to do something for someone else. Maybe volunteer at a charity or walk a dog at your local dog rescue. This might sound daft! But it really helps me to get perspective.

 

[timtams]

Yes!! This is so true. No one is ever that busy, especially posting on FB in the meantime and texting others etc. it's wether you are a priority or not. You can always make the time to see someone or do something.

I needed this. The guy I thought ghosted me messaged me and said sorry I hadn't heard from him and that he'd been sick and grumpy. I'd told him previously that I'm not very confident and wasn't sure if I liked him more than he liked me (at that point he reassured me and also showed me through his actions by WFH so we could catch up on my day off etc). But if someone had told me that and then I was genuinely feeling crappy I would at least message them and say that I wasn't feeling the best and I'd get in touch when I was better but that it was nothing to do with them. Shows his emotional intelligence I guess that he hasn't considered my feelings in just ignoring me for days. I haven't responded.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I needed this. The guy I thought ghosted me messaged me and said sorry I hadn't heard from him and that he'd been sick and grumpy. I'd told him previously that I'm not very confident and wasn't sure if I liked him more than he liked me (at that point he reassured me and also showed me through his actions by WFH so we could catch up on my day off etc). But if someone had told me that and then I was genuinely feeling crappy I would at least message them and say that I wasn't feeling the best and I'd get in touch when I was better but that it was nothing to do with them. Shows his emotional intelligence I guess that he hasn't considered my feelings in just ignoring me for days. I haven't responded.

Could it be that he is a really bad communicator?

Many people withdraw and stop communicating when feeling low. This is not great, but it is their way of coping.

 

[timtams]

Could it be that he is a really bad communicator?

Many people withdraw and stop communicating when feeling low. This is not great, but it is their way of coping.

Absolutely, I get like that myself, I wouldn't say that I'm a bad communicator but if I'm feeling down I do withdraw. It's just that if I was still in the early stages of getting to know someone and they didn't know that about me, and they'd expressed their insecurities, I'd force myself to send a brief text explaining it's not them it's me and I'm sorry and I'll be in touch, so that they weren't left wondering. Especially if I'd been non-stop messaging them several times a day every day since meeting (he was always quicker to respond) and setting up the next date immediately as soon as one ended. It also coincided with him going away for the weekend, and he was sick a few weeks ago (we took ages to kiss because of it), so it's odd that he's sick again...

 

[harveydean]

I think it’s fair to say that if you explain to him the sort of communication you need / expect, and he’s unable or unwilling to give that to you, then it’s not going to work.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Absolutely, I get like that myself, I wouldn't say that I'm a bad communicator but if I'm feeling down I do withdraw. It's just that if I was still in the early stages of getting to know someone and they didn't know that about me, and they'd expressed their insecurities, I'd force myself to send a brief text explaining it's not them it's me and I'm sorry and I'll be in touch, so that they weren't left wondering. Especially if I'd been non-stop messaging them several times a day every day since meeting (he was always quicker to respond) and setting up the next date immediately as soon as one ended. It also coincided with him going away for the weekend, and he was sick a few weeks ago (we took ages to kiss because of it), so it's odd that he's sick again...

You can either have a full and frank conversation with him and then decide what to do or call it quits now. You don't seem to be happy with him.

I would just ssay thaat it appears as if they did not want to upset you on purpose, although it is of course very clumsy to withdraw in the early stages of dating.
If this is how a relationship will be it might be best not to pursue one with this person?

 

[Rayne]

Absolutely, I get like that myself, I wouldn't say that I'm a bad communicator but if I'm feeling down I do withdraw. It's just that if I was still in the early stages of getting to know someone and they didn't know that about me, and they'd expressed their insecurities, I'd force myself to send a brief text explaining it's not them it's me and I'm sorry and I'll be in touch, so that they weren't left wondering. Especially if I'd been non-stop messaging them several times a day every day since meeting (he was always quicker to respond) and setting up the next date immediately as soon as one ended. It also coincided with him going away for the weekend, and he was sick a few weeks ago (we took ages to kiss because of it), so it's odd that he's sick again...

If he’s done it once to you at this early stage he will 100% do it again in future

 

[timtams]

You can either have a full and frank conversation with him and then decide what to do or call it quits now. You don't seem to be happy with him.

I would just ssay thaat it appears as if they did not want to upset you on purpose, although it is of course very clumsy to withdraw in the early stages of dating.
If this is how a relationship will be it might be best not to pursue one with this person?

Yeah you're right, thank you. I was happy before this and felt we had potential, but the last time we saw each other we had our first kiss and I was also vulnerable in sharing some things that had happened with an abusive ex. So then for him to go uncharacteristically quiet two days after that I just think is a little bit poor on his part. I definitely don't want a relationship where communication is lacking and someone can't consider my feelings.

I'll have a think about whether to talk to him about it or just end it. I really appreciate the responses here so thank you.

 

[harveydean]

Yeah you're right, thank you. I was happy before this and felt we had potential, but the last time we saw each other we had our first kiss and I was also vulnerable in sharing some things that had happened with an abusive ex. So then for him to go uncharacteristically quiet two days after that I just think is a little bit poor on his part. I definitely don't want a relationship where communication is lacking and someone can't consider my feelings.

I'll have a think about whether to talk to him about it or just end it. I really appreciate the responses here so thank you.

From experience I’d save your breath. Men like this won’t take responsibility- they may apologise it do you even need that?

Keep the power in your court.

 

[timtams]

From experience I’d save your breath. Men like this won’t take responsibility- they may apologise it do you even need that?

Keep the power in your court.

Yeah that makes sense. I don't need an apology, I'd come round to the idea that he'd ghosted me and I had nothing to gain by contacting him, and that it said more about him than it did about me.

Ironically I just remembered when we were first messaging and I said what I did for work (a helping profession) he said he could never do it because he's "too empathetic" lol

 

[harveydean]

Yeah that makes sense. I don't need an apology, I'd come round to the idea that he'd ghosted me and I had nothing to gain by contacting him, and that it said more about him than it did about me.

Ironically I just remembered when we were first messaging and I said what I did for work (a helping profession) he said he could never do it because he's "too empathetic" lol

Honestly the shite men come out with.

Big hug. Just think this is his best behaviour too.

 

[Jojoo]

Been chatting to a guy for a few days and a few points I’m not sure about so wanted to see what others thought..

he’s super keen for a date, I gave him the dates I could do next week and he chose a week day and then said if it goes well we got the weekend too for a second one. True but he also knows I have kids so it’s not always that easy.

today he’s invited me for a show in a months time ‘IF next week works out’ just want to tell him to chill out and take it one day at a time. I’ve got a list of about twenty things he’s going to take me too etc it’s just a bit like woah

he got divorced last year and has made a few comments about how his ex daddy stepped in to pay the legal bills, my dads paying my legal bills so feel like he’s being a dick there

Monday night he said you haven’t told me what you’re doing tonight I suppose you should. Why? I didn’t actually reply to that as it made me feel funny

I just don’t know if I’m being

 

[Rayne]

Been chatting to a guy for a few days and a few points I’m not sure about so wanted to see what others thought..

he’s super keen for a date, I gave him the dates I could do next week and he chose a week day and then said if it goes well we got the weekend too for a second one. True but he also knows I have kids so it’s not always that easy.

today he’s invited me for a show in a months time ‘IF next week works out’ just want to tell him to chill out and take it one day at a time. I’ve got a list of about twenty things he’s going to take me too etc it’s just a bit like woah

he got divorced last year and has made a few comments about how his ex daddy stepped in to pay the legal bills, my dads paying my legal bills so feel like he’s being a dick there

Monday night he said you haven’t told me what you’re doing tonight I suppose you should. Why? I didn’t actually reply to that as it made me feel funny

I just don’t know if I’m being

Sorry but he sounds like a knob

 

[harveydean]

Been chatting to a guy for a few days and a few points I’m not sure about so wanted to see what others thought..

he’s super keen for a date, I gave him the dates I could do next week and he chose a week day and then said if it goes well we got the weekend too for a second one. True but he also knows I have kids so it’s not always that easy.

today he’s invited me for a show in a months time ‘IF next week works out’ just want to tell him to chill out and take it one day at a time. I’ve got a list of about twenty things he’s going to take me too etc it’s just a bit like woah

he got divorced last year and has made a few comments about how his ex daddy stepped in to pay the legal bills, my dads paying my legal bills so feel like he’s being a dick there

Monday night he said you haven’t told me what you’re doing tonight I suppose you should. Why? I didn’t actually reply to that as it made me feel funny

I just don’t know if I’m being

Weird. I wouldn’t like it.

 

[Jojoo]

Weird. I wouldn’t like it.

Sorry but he sounds like a knob

thank you both, I didn’t know if I was being too picky and finding faults but it was adding up
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thank you both, I didn’t know if I was being too picky and finding faults but it was adding up

Quoting myself but i just remembered the first thing that made me doubt him. He said he had been divorced a year but checked out the marriage a few years previously. Just felt so cold. I’ll text him in a bit and say thanks but I’m not feeling it

 

[timtams]

thank you both, I didn’t know if I was being too picky and finding faults but it was adding up
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Quoting myself but i just remembered the first thing that made me doubt him. He said he had been divorced a year but checked out the marriage a few years previously. Just felt so cold. I’ll text him in a bit and say thanks but I’m not feeling it

At best he's clueless because he's been out of the dating game so long but I feel like that's a 1% chance. I would like the thought behind let's do a weeknight so the weekends free if it goes well (I have my son 11 nights/fortnight so dating is hard!) but in my experience most guys keep that thought to themselves initially. The planning a month in advance and asking what you're doing on a particular day that you weren't free for him is gross. I feel like all divorced guys do the "it was over for a long time before that" or that they'd checked out, as though they're trying to make it sound like they've been single for longer.

 

[MollyMalone]

Been chatting to a guy for a few days and a few points I’m not sure about so wanted to see what others thought..

he’s super keen for a date, I gave him the dates I could do next week and he chose a week day and then said if it goes well we got the weekend too for a second one. True but he also knows I have kids so it’s not always that easy.

today he’s invited me for a show in a months time ‘IF next week works out’ just want to tell him to chill out and take it one day at a time. I’ve got a list of about twenty things he’s going to take me too etc it’s just a bit like woah

he got divorced last year and has made a few comments about how his ex daddy stepped in to pay the legal bills, my dads paying my legal bills so feel like he’s being a dick there

Monday night he said you haven’t told me what you’re doing tonight I suppose you should. Why? I didn’t actually reply to that as it made me feel funny

I just don’t know if I’m being

Big NOPE to this man. Sounds like someone likely to be co-dependent and clingy.

Suggesting future plans when you've not even met yet

 

[tomato_paste]

Big NOPE to this man. Sounds like someone likely to be co-dependent and clingy.

Suggesting future plans when you've not even met yet

Seconding the

He's future faking and his "you haven't told me what you're doing tonight" sounds super controlling wtf. You haven't even been on ONE date????