Aunty Pat’s fictional family tree stories. Let those Careless whispers free!

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Mr Krabs said:
Dennis even took Pat on a nice all inclusive package to Turkey with Jet2 and hinted she might want to get some nips and tucks while she’s there. But all she did was drink vermouths and lemonade and buy tat from the shop like this flower crown and this silly fish necklace.

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It was Pat and Dennis’s joint Facebook page profile picture for a while until Pat realised it showed the dirt under her nails from crawling in the bush to try and rescue that stray cat outside the hotel.
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Remember when Uncle Dennis booked Auntie Pat an "experience day" at Nikki'z Nailz on the precinct and Pat went for the "Beverly Hillz Bangerz" set? They were so long, she came a cropper getting her bus fare out of her purse on the way home, but luckily it was Alan driving - you know, Tammy's Alan, off of the Bridge Club at The Legion? So Alan let her off the fare and stopped outside her house, even though it was between stops. It saved Pat a walk too as she was still in flip flops as she'd had the "Daizy Chainz" decal pedicure as well. She gave Nikki a 9 out of 10 review on Facebook!
 
Auntie Pat's having a post-Christmas clearcut and Chantelle, Big Pam's youngest, has introduced her to Vinted. First stop, the cupboard under the stairs and all those terrible caps Dennis accumulated in his Guy Ritchie era.
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Hollaaa said:
Auntie Pat's having a post-Christmas clearcut and Chantelle, Big Pam's youngest, has introduced her to Vinted. First stop, the cupboard under the stairs and all those terrible caps Dennis accumulated in his Guy Ritchie era.
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She also managed to get rid of the load of clothes that got ruined in the wash when Dennis stuck his brand new pair of Next black jeans in with the light colours.

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Not only was Pat’s favourite T-shirt to wear to Pilates in there, she was also doing a load of washing for their eldest, Kevin. Normally his wife does it for him but Pat thinks she doesn’t do it ‘properly’.
 
Hold my beans said:
Ahh, that time in 2001 when Aunty Pat won regional slimmer of the month again for the sixth time that year. Big Pam had a touch of the green-eyed monster and told her she needs to stop and give others a chance

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Big Pam is a right cow. Spread a rumour that Pat had had a gastric band when she was in Turkey. She really didn’t, she was just really strict with the Slimming World. Lived on Mug Shots. Didn’t touch an avocado for a year even when Dennis made his famous prawn cocktails.
 
Mr Krabs said:
Big Pam is a right cow. Spread a rumour that Pat had had a gastric band when she was in Turkey. She really didn’t, she was just really strict with the Slimming World. Lived on Mug Shots. Didn’t touch an avocado for a year even when Dennis made his famous prawn cocktails.
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So true. Word is, Auntie Pat blocked Big Pam on Facebook because of her rumour-mongering, but Pam got her niece, Leanne to stalk Pat as they know each other from yoga-lates. Big Pam was fumin when Pat posted Dennis's famous prawn cocktails for Dennis's mum's Diamond Anniversary tea round at Reenie's conservatory. Not a whisper of avocado in sight. "Syn-free and with a twist!" was Pat's photo caption. Big Pam is seething she can't work out what that twist is, she's dying to make it!

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Big Pam is just jealous. While she did lose some weight on Slimming World, she put it back on again and hasn’t been able to lose it since while Pat has kept it off and is a diamond member. Sandra the consultant blamed it on Pam buying Tesco Value yoghurts instead of Muller Lights, but Alan reckons he saw Pam in the chippy after weigh in getting a Pukka pie AND a battered sausage.

Of course this feud all goes back to when Pat discovered that Dennis went on a date with Pam back in 1984 and fingered her behind Flutters Bingo Hall.
 
Aunty Pat does not know Dennis takes her homemade roasted veg and couscous salad and sugar free date flapjacks to work daily only to empty the tuperware in the bin outside gregs and replace them with a stakebake and iced donut! Aunty Pat is none the wiser as she washes the empty tuperware pots and refills them with love!
 
Mr Krabs said:
That time aunty Pat dressed up all nice for her coach trip to see the Bay City Rollers tribute band at the O2 Birmingham. She popped outside to say goodbye to Dennis who had his grass strimmer out, and well, you can see what happened from the photo. She’s lucky it wasn’t worse, but despite the smile she was fuming.

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Barry the neighbour made it worse by shouting that she was lucky to have her steel toe caps on. His wife Iris was inside pissing herself laughing and gasping why would she wear those shoes with that outfit anyway?
 
griftalo said:
Barry the neighbour made it worse by shouting that she was lucky to have her steel toe caps on. His wife Iris was inside pissing herself laughing and gasping why would she wear those shoes with that outfit anyway?
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Iris hates Pat for getting that hot tub.

Pat has a habit of overdoing the margaritas and serenading the neighbours at 1 am from her tub. If you're lucky, you'll get a chance to hear Pat drunkenly attempt to woo Denis into some watery lovemaking.

Pat doesn't know it but security camera footage from them behind hers from the summer of last year captured a topless Pat falling out of the hot tub and landing in the privet hedge. It's been doing the rounds on the local Facebook page, no, on the one Pat doesn't know about.
 
MediumLoad said:
Iris hates Pat for getting that hot tub.

Pat has a habit of overdoing the margaritas and serenading the neighbours at 1 am from her tub. If you're lucky, you'll get a chance to hear Pat drunkenly attempt to woo Denis into some watery lovemaking.

Pat doesn't know it but security camera footage from them behind hers from the summer of last year captured a topless Pat falling out of the hot tub and landing in the privet hedge. It's been doing the rounds on the local Facebook page, no, on the one Pat doesn't know about.
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Dennis snuck up on her and got a picture.

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Mr Krabs said:
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That's Pat in what should be her finest hour but that fixed smile is hiding her pain.

You see when she decided to lose weight and gain a new career as the poster girl for the "After" pictures, she told Denis that he would be dieting too whether he liked it or not.

Well, after a few weeks of attempting to sneak snack foods into the house and that time he was caught in flagrante in nextdoor's treehouse with a trio of McFlurrys, Denis resigned himself to his fate and ditched the pounds.

The above photo doesn't show that Denis won Male Slimmer of the Year, has just been awarded his prize, and is having his fabulous dad bod admired by all and sundry.

The following week, Pat was binging on takeaways and full-fat ice cream and dieting is a dirty word as far as she's concerned.
 
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