Aunty Pat’s fictional family tree stories. Let those Careless whispers free!

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Auntie Pat was thrilled to be the first person in the cul-de-sac to get a 'net book, but less thrilled to hear its sketchy provenance from a well-oiled and slightly sheepish Denis. Apparently it cost the price of a bar tab by way of the Cactus and that Long Distance Len, who used to knock about with Kath, stopping off in town on one of his intercontinental runs.

Anyway he assured Denis that it was all wiped and the language reset to English and perfectly fine for looking up recipes, or the Ceefax, or really anything without a picture, to be on the safe side. Cheryl says she can't understand anyone who'd have a computer in their house when you spend all day going square-eyed at them in the office, but Pat reckons she's more green-eyed than square-eyed. And who wouldn't be?
 
Young Kieron’s coming round to look at Pat’s boiler later, you know Donna’s lad, the one that did the NVQVC’s at the college? He’s just moved in with Ann’s daughter and they've got a lickle one on the way, exciting times! Pat’s getting a brew on for the both of them and she might talk downstairs loo plans to young Kieron while he’s here.
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It's New Year, New You for Auntie Pat.

She's currently not on speaking terms with her Slimming World pal, Big Pam though, you know - Big Pam who works afternoons at The Spar next to the Estate Agent's on the High Street? That's how Big Pam knew how filthy The Harris's bungalow was when it went up for sale after their Postcode Lottery win in 2019.

Shame Pat and Big Pam fell out over who was doing the table decorations for Sheila and Frank's anniversary do down at The Legion. Something to do with Big Pam saying all over Facebook how Pat's crystal napkin rings looked like they'd been vajazzled. Pat was fumin as she'd told Big Pam never to tell anyone about how she'd surprised Dennis after watching Towie that time...
 
The existence of this thread is amazing. Who'd have thought guest could spawn such a wealth of stories. 😂 😂

Aunty Pat's looking for a nodding dog to go in her brother Graham's Ford Fiesta. He had to get rid of the fuzzy dice after she got her earrings caught in them and Sandra called the AA to cut her out. The burly AA men weren't too happy about it, but Aunty Pat and Sandra had a great time rating the lads out of 10!
 
Hollaaa said:
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Auntie Pat was thrilled to be the first person in the cul-de-sac to get a 'net book, but less thrilled to hear its sketchy provenance from a well-oiled and slightly sheepish Denis. Apparently it cost the price of a bar tab by way of the Cactus and that Long Distance Len, who used to knock about with Kath, stopping off in town on one of his intercontinental runs.

Anyway he assured Denis that it was all wiped and the language reset to English and perfectly fine for looking up recipes, or the Ceefax, or really anything without a picture, to be on the safe side. Cheryl says she can't understand anyone who'd have a computer in their house when you spend all day going square-eyed at them in the office, but Pat reckons she's more green-eyed than square-eyed. And who wouldn't be?
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Pat definitely has a laptop case like this:

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And a phone case like this:

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She’s quite good at the computers though because she has to use them when she works part time as a GP receptionist. She likes Facebook because of the funny Baby Yoda memes about liking coffee (although she’s not seen Star Wars) and Pinterest is good because she’s got some ideas for decorating the living room (dark blue with yellow curtains and gold accents to replace the grey which Pat now considers passé).
 
That time Auntie Pat and the girls went to Blackpool for Big Pam's youngest, Chantelle's, hen-do. Last thing she remembers from the Friday night was dancing on a table in Funny Girls stripped to her sports bra and pants. She felt rough AF here on the Saturday morning, couldn't even face her full breakfast

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Oooh, speaking of wild weekends, you know Pat was back at The Cactus on Saturday night?

She only went because she knew that Matt wouldn’t be there, he was off celebrating his birthday, it falls around Christmas so he always celebrates it the following week… that’s what I said, it still basically clashes with New Years!

ANYWAY, she was up doing karakoke, that Mark Morrisons, but she changed it to …. “Return Of The Pat”! I KNOW! Not letting her live that down any time soon!!
 
Am going to borrow @Hold my beans photo for this one.

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This was back when Pat had bunion surgery, but her and Dennis were still living in the old terraced house with a spiral staircase. Council wouldn’t rehouse her so she kicked up a right stink with the local papers. Borrowed a wheelchair from Big Sandra and the photographer from the Southend Echo came round to pose next to the awkward stairs. Luckily they got a swap with a nice bungalow now.

Behind Pat you’ll see Steph, her middle daughter who is a bit of a funny arty one, and Lesley who is Pat’s Slimming World consultant. She tried to get a mention of the SW group in the article to promote it but they weren’t having it. She lost seven stone you know.
 
aunty pat invited herself to harold's youngest's birthday party in the guise of "helping to entertain the littluns"

things went very wrong when aunty pat commandeered the pin the tail on the donkey pin and now there's 6 kids waiting in a+e for tetanus jabs

denis is fielding calls from furious parents
 
I showed this to Auntie Pat, and after putting her glasses on and saying “who’s that then?”, she gave me the evils.

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But then she burst out laughing and said, “first of all, I’m not your mum, and secondly, he was a restaurant manager, not a waiter!

Where‘d you get this anyway?… I’m putting it on Facebook“
 
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Look at the despair in Pat’s eyes today. Denis told her things like Botox and hair dye still exist you know. Frank the bank down the dog n duck’s wife got those turkey teeth done and a whole face package. She rang Sandra which she never does. Sandra said tell him to stick turkey teeth up his arse, but that she’d bang a box dye on for her from under the stairs, cheer her up, she’d put a few sandwiches on and maybe she’d like a look at the lady’s companion toy catalogue now??
 
griftalo said:
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Look at the despair in Pat’s eyes today. Denis told her things like Botox and hair dye still exist you know. Frank the bank down the dog n duck’s wife got those turkey teeth done and a whole face package. She rang Sandra which she never does. Sandra said tell him to stick turkey teeth up his arse, but that she’d bang a box dye on for her from under the stairs, cheer her up, she’d put a few sandwiches on and maybe she’d like a look at the lady’s companion toy catalogue now??
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Dennis even took Pat on a nice all inclusive package to Turkey with Jet2 and hinted she might want to get some nips and tucks while she’s there. But all she did was drink vermouths and lemonade and buy tat from the shop like this flower crown and this silly fish necklace.

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It was Pat and Dennis’s joint Facebook page profile picture for a while until Pat realised it showed the dirt under her nails from crawling in the bush to try and rescue that stray cat outside the hotel.
 
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