There was a lot to unpack over the last week or so, so put on your finest potato sack overalls, pour yourself an extra large Corkcicle of Vanderpump Rosé, and great ready for the greatest reality show off-Bravo.
Previously, on The Real White Trash of Lake Nona:
Part 1/2
We join our ragtag bunch on Day 2 of their Disney’s Boardwalk Resort staycation, which continues to usher in a new era of austerity for the Tracker clan. Cast out of their ivory tower of Grand Villa opulence, the Trackers are now forced to confront how the other half live: in a ground-floor standard room, subsisting on a Quick-Service Dining Plan. Within the first thirty seconds of the video, Tim complains about the noise caused by Disney’s non-electric “lawn leaf blowers”. The Trackers continue their piss-poor time management and a typically late breakfast at Beach Club is cause for the day’s next barrage of complaints as the straightforward regulations of the dining plan continue to flummox our protagonists. Dim cynically describes the breakfast fare as “typical”, despite choosing the exact same “Bounty Platter” pile of Disneyfied grease he unimaginatively ingests without fail. Jenn the Genius, after first complaining that the more conveniently located Boardwalk Deli only offered a paltry selection of breakfast sandwiches, curiously decides to plump for a sugar-infused “Hotcake Sandwich” after waddling all the way over to Beach Club. This proved to be a fatal mistake as the saccharine calorie bomb did not meet Her Royal Heaviness’ exacting standards, and the unfortunate Cast Member who recommended it was underhandedly blamed throughout the rest of Jenn’s multiple bitching sessions.
After eating their fill (except for Oliver, who was given meagre scraps), the Bojos are finally ready to begin their day at the bright and early hour of 11:30am – nearly lunchtime, a meal which Tim amusingly suggests they might actually skip! Of course, this meant it was already time for Oliver’s first forced nap of the day. The Trackers take a break to again complain about the inconvenient location of their room, whilst Jenn recounts her entitled haranguing of a Cast Member who was unable to provide an adequate list of locations of Coke Freestyle machines when prompted. Dim wonders aloud if Coney Island and the Jersey Shore “are the same thing”. Jenn and Oliver slumber in the pleb room whilst Tim and Jackson hit up the Keister Coaster in the pool area. Tim complains that the slide is not smooth enough for his delicate booty butt, though Jackson’s opinion seems much more positive, given his hand flapping and awkward dancing. An oil slick which rivals the wake of the Exxon Valdez forms after Jenn arrives to degrease herself in the communal pool. Da Baby is quickly handed off to Dim whilst the hippomom gleefully frolics in the chlorinated waters with nary a care in the world. Jackson is placated with a Mickey pretzel and a sugary mocktail but an eagle-eyed Tattler spots a JTech GuestCall IQ pager on the table. Busted! The Trackholes ordered poolside lunch for themselves but sneakily chose to omit this incriminating fact in their voog. The Slackers kill a bit of time by dropping a quick fifty bucks on a DIY tie dye t-shirt experience. Dim reminds us they want to do a Surrey bike, but tempers expectations with the caveat that “it’s getting awfully close to dinner time”.
Back in the room, Dim continues his skilful video tutorial on how to get the least amount of value out of a Disney dining plan as he informs us that the family have opted to splurge out of pocket on a Signature Dining experience at the nearby Flying Fish. The Bojos bless the upscale establishment with a heaping helping of Florida trailer park chic as they decide to forgo the pesky formal dress code and barge in donning their finest 3am-Walmart-run attire. Our greedy grifters gorge themselves on a lavish spread of posh starters, rich mains, and deluxe deserts – Jenn even treats herself to a very cheeky pint which somehow escapes her mention! Unfortunately, Oliver’s carrots were not cooked to Jenn’s precise instructions which casts a cloud of disappointment over proceedings.
The Trackholes next waddle over to the lawn and gawk at the families who have gathered for the showing of a mystery film. Jenn stupidly pontificates on what the secret selection could possibly be, adding that she is “very curious, very invested”. Absolute shocker: they do not return with their children to enjoy the film together as a family. Instead, they do what Clan Tracker does best: put their unbridled gluttony on public display, this time at Boardwalk Ice Cream. In Round 2 of desserts, Jackson is allotted a scoop of mint chocolate chip in a cup whilst Dim springs for a massive Thundering Surf peanut butter sundae. Dim sneaks in one final whinge about the bottleneck around the frustratingly still not yet open Blue Ribbon Corn Dogs. The video ends with the second day in a row of an outro recorded ex post facto, with Dim supplying the dubious line that the whole family “just went straight to sleep” upon entering their room. Of course, the astute viewer knows that without a nanny to pass the dreaded offspring off to, the Trackers are unable to properly control their kids for even the minimal amount of time to force smiles and pretend they had a great day on camera. Jenn sagely advises us that “sometimes when you’re on, like, your long Disney vacation, having resort days are[sic] really important”. Wise words indeed.
Day 3 of the doomed staycation kicks off most appropriately, as Grifter #1 and Grifter #2 show their continued lack of basic parental instincts, force laughing their way through an awkward intro where they announce it’s Mother’s Day and then, realising there is no mother present in the room, quickly drop the topic. At this point, does Jackson a) go through the motions and warmly wish his egg donor a happy Mother’s Day, or b) obnoxiously scream a barely coherent demand for a lollipop? If you’re reading this, you already know the answer.
Jenn has hatched a plan to head to Pop Century in Epcot for breakfast as it’s “on the Skyliner [..] and also they have a lot of options” in a half-assed attempt to at least salvage something from their remaining dining credits. However, the Snackers are powerless to resist the magnetic pull of main lobby Carousel Coffee, slavishly shuffling in whilst Jackson runs amok and fingers the merch like a seasoned pro. Snack credits are redeemed for coffees and a sugary cereal pre-breakfast treat for Jackson. Back in the lobby, Jenn feels the need to address the camera and derides the experience at Carousel as most uncuntierge, as she patronisingly complains that the Cast Member who didn’t get her order right “had to like do it a few times” before it finally met her approval. Dim sheepishly grins like a beta idiot as Jenn instructs her viewers to “go somewhere else”, her fake laughter unable to mask her condensation and disdain.
The Trackers’ precious time having been wasted by the incompetent and inconsiderate Cast Member, the morning now takes a serious turn as Dim warns it’s already 10:10am and Pop Century stops serving breakfast at 11:00. Jenn curtly cuts Dim off, saying 50 minutes is not enough time to make breakfast. Dim suggests that they at least try and see what happens. The possibility of potentially missing a feeding causes Jenn, in a brutally candid moment, to blurt out “WELL, I DON’T WANNA MISS BREAKFAST” in a cold panic which is equal parts revealing and horrifying. Dim, lacking a backbone for 42 years and counting, instantly folds and agrees to yet another mind-numbingly crappy meal at one of the Beach Club/Yacht Club breakfast options they’ve done nothing but complain about since their arrival.
Tim takes an opportunity to Dimsplain that Screendoor is a great DVC shop where you can pick up essentials such as toiletries, a toothbrush.. or bacon. Budley spots a wayward banana on the boardwalk which throws Dim into a PTSD tizzy. Disappointment hangs in the air at the low-quality Yacht Club quick serve breakfast. Jackson vacantly picks at a Mother’s Day croissant and complains that it’s sour. Oh the irony. Timmyboy scarfs down yet another Bounty Platter and roughly handles a greasy breakfast sandwich on a pretzel bun for the camera. We are left to assume this was Jenn’s, but Dim might have been double fisting. The whole fam escape the rain by mindlessly blowing some quick cash in an arcade, and even Ginn gets in on the action, lounging back on a sit-down ride with an unsettling glazed-over look in her eyes as it stutters and vibrates. Dim sneaks a creepshot of Minnie in her Boardwalk outfit at a character dining experience they walk past – sorry Dimster, not this time.
Despite the rain, Jenn finally gets the thumbnail she’s been wanting for the entire trip as the family are press-ganged onto a Surrey bike. Dim, who famously developed a hernia from the strain of riding a stationary bike, is put to work like a pack mule as he is forced to ferry well over 500lbs of dead weight up and down the boardwalk in a pathetic humiliation ritual. In a rather striking bit of symbolism, Jackson, from the front street, constantly reaches around and grabs hold of the steering wheel, attempting to take control and veer the entire family off course. Beta Dim does nothing to correct this behaviour, but just keeps peddling and puffing away.
Jenn and Da Baby retire to the room for the traditional forced nap whilst Dim takes Jackson to the pool to grab some b-roll. Soon the family are reunited for the only reason they exist – food – this time from the infamous Boardwalk Deli. As Dim and Dimmer flaunt their sandwiches, Dim spots an opportunity for more footage: roaming characters. The sandwiches are left behind and the child actor is put to work forthwith, and after providing sufficient footage of instructed hugs and rough punching high-fives, Jackson takes the bait of another paid experience set up on the lawn, this time friendship bracelet making. As the Cast Member sells him on how cool and fun it would be, Dim suggests that they return to their sandwiches. Jackson tells Dim point blank “NO, I WANNA DO DIS NOW”. Beta Dim can only reply “Oh brother” as he folds like an accordion.
The Trashers next head back to the room and get changed for yet more lacklustre pool time, Tim mostly padding out some running time with repetitive shots of Budley riding the Keister Coaster whilst Jenn gets used to the new and unusual sensation of holding Da Baby. Back to the room to regroup for dinner, and Jenn announces that their original plan of dinner at Caribbean Beach is now impossible due to piss-poor time management. That means, surprise surprise, it’s going to have to be Beach Club or Yacht Club. Yet again. You can’t make this tit up.
But first: the Trackholes feel the need to stop off at a firepit and treat Budley to a gigantic pre-dinner Mickey s’more. His appetite sufficiently ruined, the Snackers shuffle around and proffer their expert opinions on the Boardwalk experience. Jenn lets her audience know that the rooms “aren’t anything to write home about”, and the penny has finally dropped for Dim and Dimmer as they are forced to admit that choosing a Quick Service dining plan for the resort with the least number of Quick Service options was probably “a bad idea”. A crappy late QS dinner at Beach Club with what looked like the cold leftovers that were about to thrown out is quickly shown and then never mentioned again.
In an extremely fitting finale to the entire epic Boardwalk misadventure, the family half-heartedly watch the firework display happening at Epcot from a poor viewing angle at a random spot in the resort. Dim hoists Jackson up and turns the camera on him to capture his reaction in an effort to salvage something monetisable from the situation. Jackson keeps repeating that each explosion looks like ‘a big monster truck wheel’, over and over again. His father finds nothing unusual at all about this.
Check-out day has the Trackers leaving the room in their typical pigsty condition. An extremely dishevelled Jenn forces herself to go through the motions, calling it a “great stay” but throwing up her hands in exasperation. The fam had to get packed “as fast as they possibly could” because they are, as always, running late, and Jackson has to be ferried directly to school. A particularly hilarious staged shot of Jenn smelling a flower in the garden brings this whole clusterfuck of a staycation to a merciful and much-needed end.
To be continued...
