Support for anyone that needs to vent #4

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It feels like such a first world problem compared to most things but it honestly fills me with dread seeing them now because this is getting more common. And tbh, im sure she isn't enjoying this either!

Will bring it up with my other half later and see how he wants to handle things because I really don't want to make things awkward between him and his best mate but I also just want a grip on before it gets worse!
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Kim Mild said:
Sounds like she thinks you have an abundance of money and she is jealous. Although, I would rather have the supportive family ( my support network of my parents have both passed) because that is priceless.
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1 million percent! Luckily my family are all still around but they do live in another country so I'd love to have them nearby. I think she underestimates the non-money value in that sort of thing
 
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Forallthoseasking said:
God I'm exhausted today so need a vent because I can't vent to my partner on this topic.

We went to see his best friend and wife today. I'm going to call her Laura.

Laura and I get along but we don't have much in common, just very different people, nothing bad. However things always get a bit awkward on anything to do with money.

Basically, fiance and I make good money. I probably make what both Laura and her husband do combined. However they have loads of supportive family nearby who do 80% of the childcare for their little boy for free and her stepdad paid for half their wedding. They may not make much but they get support! My fiance and I do not have that sort of support so every expense is paid for by us and usually we end up having to prop up family in emergencies.

I got laid off in early 2023 and was out of work for most of the year so my savings took a hit and our wedding plans got scaled back as much as they could, mostly on things like invites. Rather than go to a stationer, we got a Vistaprint black Friday deal for example. No matter how much money you make, having 9 months with no pay and a wedding to plan/pay for is stressful.

Laura will make comments like "oh I didn't think YOU would even think of something like Vistaprint for your wedding?" or "surely you'll want the Instagram vibe £1000 cake" which I usually just brush off to not cause a scene.

Today though, general talk turns to kids in future and she was saying about how tough money was over mat leave. I'm empathetically nodding along as I'm also worried about that in future when my time comes. My fiance then says something about how I have been saying the same and one thing I was sad about being laid off was that my old company had a great maternity package but that is no more. Laura then turns to me and says, in a pretty aggressive tone, "well you don't need to worry about stuff like that do you? With the amount you two are on??".

Bear in mind, she doesn't actually know how much we make unless she has researched how much our sort of jobs pay.

I was pretty stunned because it felt like she wanted a fight or to prove a point? I said nothing and her husband moved the chat along quickly. We then left not long after.

I just feel like the more time I spend with this girl, the more comments like this come up and the less I like her. Its not like I'm walking in wearing designer clothes or flashing a set of Ferrari keys or something when I see her 😂 I don't know what to do because she is the wife of the guy who will be my future husbands best man so she's gonna be about for a long time!
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I’ve been in the same position and at some point you will need to say something.
After the last passive aggresive comment like that I got I just said “I don’t know why people think we are rolling in it. People don’t know our situation”
Something to that affect and it was never brought up again. Or alternatively ask Mr F to speak to his best friend about the comments. I’m sure if it’s his best friend he probably knows things aren’t all sunshine and roses.
 
OnlyHereForTheLolz said:
I’ve been in the same position and at some point you will need to say something.
After the last passive aggresive comment like that I got I just said “I don’t know why people think we are rolling in it. People don’t know our situation”
Something to that affect and it was never brought up again. Or alternatively ask Mr F to speak to his best friend about the comments. I’m sure if it’s his best friend he probably knows things aren’t all sunshine and roses.
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I may take that line and keep it in my back pocket!

But yeah, on the getting the Mr's to chat - I had a chat with my other half about it today and he completely agreed it was out of order yesterday and was going to bring it up with me that he wanted to speak to his mate. He said he didn't think much of previous comments before because he figured it was just in jest or a bit of piss taking but yesterday was a new level.

We kind of analyzed things and came to our conclusion that it has gotten worse since we bought our house as that was probably the realization point for her that we had more money. When they owned a house and we were broke in our tiny rental in Manchester, she probably assumed we were on the same as her. Instead we were just saving to get out of the city!
 
My family dog died on Saturday morning. I am completely devastated, but mostly worried about my mum as she is in bits and can barely function. I am currently already trying to cope with the loss of my best friend and only went back to work last week. My organisation is incredibly supportive but the way my boss has handled my return to work has not been ideal (talks of changing my role on my 2nd day back!) I know my rights regarding changes to roles when someone is absent (big no no). He is also quite a cold person so I know he won't care about the dog dying.
 
MacPishFlaps said:
My family dog died on Saturday morning. I am completely devastated, but mostly worried about my mum as she is in bits and can barely function. I am currently already trying to cope with the loss of my best friend and only went back to work last week. My organisation is incredibly supportive but the way my boss has handled my return to work has not been ideal (talks of changing my role on my 2nd day back!) I know my rights regarding changes to roles when someone is absent (big no no). He is also quite a cold person so I know he won't care about the dog dying.
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Im so sorry for your losses and having to be there for your poor mum while still in early grief over your friend.

I’ve found it helpful to go to work and try for short periods to ‘switch off’ deep sadnesses, make sure to allow yourself plenty of other space and time to feel your feelings though. Perhaps work can be where you really show up for yourself and your role?

Take detailed verbatim notes about whatever your boss says in case you need it in future. Might be worth questioning it in email after he’s said it out loud as if he’s breaking any legislation he’ll quickly backtrack.

sending hugs. Xx
 
Just when I think things are looking up…

I get weighed by my nurse and I’m 3 stone heavier than I thought and officially obese and the guy I was texting who seemed so lovely and hopeful has now gone quiet

I want to bury myself in a hole and starve myself for a few months.

work to do though. Have to keep carrying on

just don’t know how to stop crying and feel like I’ll never meet anyone
 
Jadejones9596 said:
Just when I think things are looking up…

I get weighed by my nurse and I’m 3 stone heavier than I thought and officially obese and the guy I was texting who seemed so lovely and hopeful has now gone quiet

I want to bury myself in a hole and starve myself for a few months.

work to do though. Have to keep carrying on

just don’t know how to stop crying and feel like I’ll never meet anyone
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jade i was thinking of you recently - i’m so sorry to hear that you’re in such a low place right now :(

all i can say is to please please avoid making men, or finding someone, the centrepoint of your happiness or self-worth. that can only come from you and should be for yourself not with the hopes of being able to attract a man. the dating world is so fickle right now that i worry that continually sets you up for disappointment.
 
LaBlonde said:
jade i was thinking of you recently - i’m so sorry to hear that you’re in such a low place right now :(

all i can say is to please please avoid making men, or finding someone, the centrepoint of your happiness or self-worth. that can only come from you and should be for yourself not with the hopes of being able to attract a man. the dating world is so fickle right now that i worry that continually sets you up for disappointment.
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It’s so nice to hear from you lovely! I went lower and lower after when I used to speak to you all on the dating thread. I thought I was ready to go back on the apps but clearly not! I’m really trying to focus on my self worth and being good enough for me, but I don’t really know how sometimes!
Hope you’re doing well? So nice to hear from you x
 
Jadejones9596 said:
It’s so nice to hear from you lovely! I went lower and lower after when I used to speak to you all on the dating thread. I thought I was ready to go back on the apps but clearly not! I’m really trying to focus on my self worth and being good enough for me, but I don’t really know how sometimes!
Hope you’re doing well? So nice to hear from you x
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honestly love, come off the apps. they are brutal and i don’t think you’re in the right space emotionally for it right now. men are not the prize, YOU’RE the prize. prioritise yourself over these blokes that can’t even fill a bio out half the time.

it’s hard being long-term single. i hear you on that completely, but just be careful of making it the main goal or thing that’s going to make you happy. date yourself and treat yourself well, you’re the most important relationship you’re going to ever have.
 
LaBlonde said:
honestly love, come off the apps. they are brutal and i don’t think you’re in the right space emotionally for it right now. men are not the prize, YOU’RE the prize. prioritise yourself over these blokes that can’t even fill a bio out half the time.

it’s hard being long-term single. i hear you on that completely, but just be careful of making it the main goal or thing that’s going to make you happy. date yourself and treat yourself well, you’re the most important relationship you’re going to ever have.
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Thank you my love, your advice is amazing as ever! I’m defo coming off again. The trouble is you tell people you’d like to meet someone and all they say is “have you tried the apps?” And then you get the story of their mothers dads hamster who met the love of their life on there 🙄 thank you appreciate that x
 
really_whythough said:
Im so sorry for your losses and having to be there for your poor mum while still in early grief over your friend.

I’ve found it helpful to go to work and try for short periods to ‘switch off’ deep sadnesses, make sure to allow yourself plenty of other space and time to feel your feelings though. Perhaps work can be where you really show up for yourself and your role?

Take detailed verbatim notes about whatever your boss says in case you need it in future. Might be worth questioning it in email after he’s said it out loud as if he’s breaking any legislation he’ll quickly backtrack.

sending hugs. Xx
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Thank you so much. Today was pretty awful at work, one half of the office is avoiding me as they don't know what to say re my friend dying and my boss didn't speak a word to me!

You are absolutely right though, work is where I thrive and I have carved out an excellent career over 24 years in the same sector. Anything my boss suggests, he will be advised to put it in writing. You can't change someone's role while they are signed off and also, a bit of compassion wouldn't go a miss. Maybe let me get my feet in the door before you start talking about job changes!
 
Just stopping by to scream into the void about how utterly tit builders are. Completely take the piss, act like they’re god’s gift, they might do a halfway decent job after you literally provided everything they need and LITERAL instructions or they might completely duck it up and then not admit it for week. Swearing at us, wanting over 95% of the money when not even 80% of the work is done. Where the hell do they get off?!?!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgh.




Thanks I needed that.
 
I have worked for the same company for nearly three years now, with two of those years being in a secretarial role and the last six months having moved over to a professional service role which involves studying for exams and gaining a qualification which is really different to what I've done before, but has great progression opportunities once I've spent three years doing those exams.

I am really, really struggling. I'm trying my hardest not to get into the mindset of hating my job, but at the moment it seems to be going that way. I don't like how much the pressure has increased and I don't particularly enjoy what I do. I also have to fund my own qualification which is proving to be really expensive (work would usually pay for this, but it would have meant taking a considerable pay cut of around £8k a year which we can't afford) so either way it's sort of lose-lose.

I would love my old job role back but it isn't possible as we have rehired for it, so I think my only option would really be to go elsewhere. I do have a great partner of the firm who wants to see us all succeed and she had said before that if this didn't work out for me, she'd find somewhere else for me to go in the firm but my old job role is already overstaffed as we have one poor secretary in the pool that is just basically a spare part already (and shes only part time compared to my full). I have an appraisal due around the end of March in which I get to discuss everything with the partner then, but I'm now wondering if I should stick it out and see the outcome of my appraisal, or if I should begin to apply for other roles and update my CV and see if I can have a back-up option available for if things really don't get better. I love my firm but it can be archaic, with little benefits for things like maternity or parental leave, no sick pay, etc and my new role just isn't really what I expected it to be whatsoever, with loads of external pressure as I can't study for my exams during the working day etc and so find myself with just zero free time.

I find some of the people I work with to be quite draining too as I definitely don't gel with one of the people who I share an office with as I find his opinions really misogynistic, racist and generally bigoted.

I would normally sit down and discuss this kind of thing with my partner but he has recently experienced a bereavement which is really affecting him and I had the revelation of just how much I dislike my job at the same time as this bereavement. I don't then want to hassle him with my issues when it's so fresh for him, so wondered if anyone here has been through the same or similar and what worked best for them.
 
jojida said:
I have worked for the same company for nearly three years now, with two of those years being in a secretarial role and the last six months having moved over to a professional service role which involves studying for exams and gaining a qualification which is really different to what I've done before, but has great progression opportunities once I've spent three years doing those exams.

I am really, really struggling. I'm trying my hardest not to get into the mindset of hating my job, but at the moment it seems to be going that way. I don't like how much the pressure has increased and I don't particularly enjoy what I do. I also have to fund my own qualification which is proving to be really expensive (work would usually pay for this, but it would have meant taking a considerable pay cut of around £8k a year which we can't afford) so either way it's sort of lose-lose.

I would love my old job role back but it isn't possible as we have rehired for it, so I think my only option would really be to go elsewhere. I do have a great partner of the firm who wants to see us all succeed and she had said before that if this didn't work out for me, she'd find somewhere else for me to go in the firm but my old job role is already overstaffed as we have one poor secretary in the pool that is just basically a spare part already (and shes only part time compared to my full). I have an appraisal due around the end of March in which I get to discuss everything with the partner then, but I'm now wondering if I should stick it out and see the outcome of my appraisal, or if I should begin to apply for other roles and update my CV and see if I can have a back-up option available for if things really don't get better. I love my firm but it can be archaic, with little benefits for things like maternity or parental leave, no sick pay, etc and my new role just isn't really what I expected it to be whatsoever, with loads of external pressure as I can't study for my exams during the working day etc and so find myself with just zero free time.

I find some of the people I work with to be quite draining too as I definitely don't gel with one of the people who I share an office with as I find his opinions really misogynistic, racist and generally bigoted.

I would normally sit down and discuss this kind of thing with my partner but he has recently experienced a bereavement which is really affecting him and I had the revelation of just how much I dislike my job at the same time as this bereavement. I don't then want to hassle him with my issues when it's so fresh for him, so wondered if anyone here has been through the same or similar and what worked best for them.
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Sorry to hear you are going through all that. I’m afraid I don’t have experience to share as I’m self-employed but if I were you. I’d use the March review date as a sort of fork in the road…

Use this time to prepare yourself to raise the issues with your employer and to be ready to go down one path if they improve things as you need them to or another if they don’t.


Updating your CV and getting in the right mindset for a career move is great to do whether you end up moving or not. It will help you assess your own worth and achievements and stand you in good stead to negotiate.


If someone in the office is expressing views that are racist/bigoted/etc keep a thorough log of this as they need to act to stop that, for everyone’s sake.

Sending you strength!
 
Posted on other threads but I also need to let it out as I can’t talk to friends or family about this
Hi, seeking advice as I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with my partner for a long time, he lost his job back in July, said he was going to start his own business, I supported him and said I would hold the fort for bills etc for the first few months. fast forward to now. He half heartedly tried, nothing came to fruition. He had told me for months he applies for jobs but 8 months down the line and he hasn’t even been for an interview so I’m really starting to doubt that. He hasn’t contributed towards bills, childcare food. I pay for everything, the small bit of UC he does receive is gone 3 days later and I haven’t seen any of it. Everytime I try to discuss it it ends up in an argument that he thinks I’m implying he’s a tit dad and I’d be better off without him. Truth is I really am starting to think I would be better off. Definitely financially anyway. We’re together but I’ve never felt so sad about our relationship and I just don’t know what to do to approach it.
 
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