What a roller coaster catch up that was. I had to stop reading about page 40 onwards. SH isn't triggering for me but talking about someone unaliving themselves or threatening to is too much for me. I can share this here because I'm basically anonymous.
I have have thoughts about myself everyday, it's called ideation. Sometimes I can ride them out because I know they'll go away but sometimes I'm up all night and they become more elaborate, I would never act upon them, my other half stays awake with me when it's all I think about. But (the whole point of this post) I have 3 beautiful kids, and the thought of them experiencing hurt because of something I did to myself is what keeps me here. They love me because I'm their mum, and I broke the cycle in so far as to say, they have never seen me at my worst, they don't carry a burden about me that I carried with my parents. So Rosie, if you do happen to read this, you have 2 kids who love you, unconditionally for now.That should be enough for you to want to get yourself sorted out IF you really are suffering mentally. But you have to do it now because they are growing up.
If you are just seeking attention, and all this is for show them shame on you. But why don't you try and prove everyone wrong, why don't you try and give your kids the love, security and good memories they deserve, for them not for you and before it's too late.