Narcissistic and toxic parents #3

1
@Meg78
"Hands up if your unhinged parent is doing unhinged things yet again 🙋🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Mine seems to have a habit of finding a way to push me away during big life events, true to form they’ve manufactured a reason for us to argue this week after I announced big news, I tried my best not to rise to it, stayed agreeable, but what they’ve asked me to do is something impossible and they know it, they’ve also overstepped a boundary and know it too. I sent a generic reply and they’ve taken it as a green light to start another war…. I’m just so tired of this."

Oh yes!! It's exhausting!! I started to have saved notes of text responses in my phone. So when a message comes in I'm locked and loaded and ready and it doesn't destroy my day & isn't as draining.

Due to child being in emergency they couldn't come and visit i.e do their theatrical performance of pretending to be the adoring grandparents and then leave and not see my kids for months on end, but could go back to local village and report back and say what was wrong and get the poor them sympathy they were looking for. I set the boundary that the doctors advised- no visitors and my partner and I went in scrubs and high hygiene at all times. Parents kept texting,what's app, what's app calls, voice notes & regular calls. They do this when they are not in loop for fear someone will be told before them and so they can report back and start phoning their siblings.

I kept responding the same message "Doctors are advising against visitors at this time for infection control & for us to rest and recover. Thanks for your understanding". I've just checked the messages and I copied and pasted this 7 times. Each time they would continue to push back. This was so hard as I'd a sick child in a&e and everytime I picked up my phone there was all This tit on it. It was the last thing I needed
It wasn't supportive, helpful, assisting me in situation. It was just all about them? If I'm making any sense??

Just keep pushing back and maintaining the boundary. Definitely suggest having back up messages ready in your notes!!
 
Wow. That's crazy making. I'd be in a full-on fight or flight response for days if a parent was behaving that way. They sound positively psychiatric, sorry you're having to deal with that.

I've become very low contact with my parents for a good few years now, certainly since I started therapy about 5 years ago. It was never conscious, I just became aware of the mental torture of being in communication with them and it felt like self-harm to continue. Therapy and reflection brings up more and more stuff as I heal. Like the fact that it's been this way since I left the family home 20 years ago, I've always been an after-thought. They labelled me "independent" and carried on as if they only have two children, my disabled sibling and their golden child.

It suited them, and didn't stop them from taking credit for my successes and ignoring my challenges over the years. I've always felt as though my mother hated me, judged me, despised her Inability to control me, but I've had decades now of hearing her compliments via third parties. Cousins telling me "your mother says you're so independent / you're so full of integrity just like your father!" She hated my father when I was a kid and told me I was "just like him" as an insult when I'd so something she didn't approve of.

I'm finding a lot of support in Lindsay Gibson's emotionally immature parents books at the moment. Especially in her views on enmeshment and how one kid that displays self sufficiency can be neglected while others become enmeshed.

I relate a lot to the "invisible child" role too. I feel as though I'm invisible now because I've not tried to hold them accountable. If I had a conversation with them about my feelings I'd definitely slide into scapegoat, the angry one who blames her parents for her failures and is living in the past.

Has anyone here confronted a parent about their abuse? I've yet to hear a story of that going well for someone.
 
testingonetwothreefoiur said:
Wow. That's crazy making. I'd be in a full-on fight or flight response for days if a parent was behaving that way. They sound positively psychiatric, sorry you're having to deal with that.

I've become very low contact with my parents for a good few years now, certainly since I started therapy about 5 years ago. It was never conscious, I just became aware of the mental torture of being in communication with them and it felt like self-harm to continue. Therapy and reflection brings up more and more stuff as I heal. Like the fact that it's been this way since I left the family home 20 years ago, I've always been an after-thought. They labelled me "independent" and carried on as if they only have two children, my disabled sibling and their golden child.

It suited them, and didn't stop them from taking credit for my successes and ignoring my challenges over the years. I've always felt as though my mother hated me, judged me, despised her Inability to control me, but I've had decades now of hearing her compliments via third parties. Cousins telling me "your mother says you're so independent / you're so full of integrity just like your father!" She hated my father when I was a kid and told me I was "just like him" as an insult when I'd so something she didn't approve of.

I'm finding a lot of support in Lindsay Gibson's emotionally immature parents books at the moment. Especially in her views on enmeshment and how one kid that displays self sufficiency can be neglected while others become enmeshed.

I relate a lot to the "invisible child" role too. I feel as though I'm invisible now because I've not tried to hold them accountable. If I had a conversation with them about my feelings I'd definitely slide into scapegoat, the angry one who blames her parents for her failures and is living in the past.

Has anyone here confronted a parent about their abuse? I've yet to hear a story of that going well for someone.
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I can identify with pretty much everything you said from being labelled the ‘independent’ one to hearing lovely things your mum has said about you to 3rd parties. I was thinking today about the amount of minimising my parents have done over the years- from traumatic events I’ve shared with them to successes. My mum is prone to blatantly making stuff up too. Years ago I had a serious health scare and as soon as I got the all-clear she invented a cancer-related thing about my SIL. Was never mentioned again and done simply to minimise what I’d just been through and prevent me from having the limelight or whatever other twisted idea about my position in the family she must have. Another habit mum has is to lament the amount of worrying she has done about me during difficult times after those have ended, which is shared with me with the belief she’s a supportive parent and I am meant to be thankful for. Interestingly enough actual contact and direct support during such times have always been minimal.

I’ve tried to confront my parents on several occasions in the past. Recently I came across an email I’d sent to them explaining exactly how and why I find their treatment compared to my brother who is the GC very difficult and upsetting. Reading the email felt like a lightbulb moment- 12 years down the line nothing has changed. Personally I found this realisation liberating as I no longer hold ideas that me confronting them can change their behaviour. All I’ve achieved is to upset myself for significant periods of time.

Part of me will always grieve the unconditional love and relationship I never got to experience with my parents. One way I’m choosing to channel this is by trying to have the opposite relationship with my child, like experience and give all the things I missed out on with her.
 
Same as you, I've reread emails and gone over texts and conversations that have taken place in the distant past and recent past. At Xmas I warned if things didn't change I would be cutting back in 2024. They didn't change & I've cut back contact. It's sad. But echoing what we've all said on these threads, I'm grieving parents that don't exist and I am living the definition of insanity! Doing the same thing over and over again & expecting them to change! They're not going to change. The only thing I can change is myself & my reaction to them.

And yes @testingonetwothreefoiur I agree. It was such a tough time. You know yourself, anyone (esp kids) sick in hospital it's just go go go of tests, doctors, results, procedures, sleeping on hospital chairs and a diet of coffee and hospital biscuits! I needed my parents to rally around, do a grocery shop, walk the dog, clean the house out on a wash. Not harass me with texts! Luckily great neighbours and friends id be lost without.

Do you all get the less than sympathetic response when there is anything on in your life? You've a cough? Well Donna down the road is dying of cancer? Like no matter what, there is always someone worse or it could be worse response to just utterly invalidate your situation or feeling??
 
Oh wow @AlwaysSummer. Like, what? Do we have the same mother?? It's continuously gob-smacking to me that other people see their own experiences in what I say. I guess that's what a lifetime of isolation, parental neglect and self-gaslighting will do to you. I've taken my parents' treatment of me so personally for so long, it's impacted every single part of my life in the most painful ways. It's so comfortable to be believed and to have others identify. Even though I'd wish the pain of it on nobody.

And oh YEAH to the "constantly worrying about you". Like WTF? My mother "has been praying for me" for decades. I'm not religious, never was. She also tells GC sibling how much she worries about me "because she keeps to herself, whereas with you (GC sibling), you'll tell me what your problems are and I can help". Let's say that's true - why then is GC the only one you spend time with and communicate with, mommy dearest? Where's the active demonstration of this worry, or does it just suit the narrative of the neglect being all my fault?

@not_influenced, yes. Same mother over here. She loves a sob story, she salivates when someone is dying of stage 4 cancer, a neighbour dies of suicide, whatever. Anything painful that's been shared has been met with Maura down the road who's adult kid was killed in a car accident, that and the inane platitudes. I was told to "count my blessings" when I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, and to "be grateful for how strong these things make you" when I tried to talk to her about the trauma of watching my older brother have a psychotic break at 12 years old.
 
testingonetwothreefoiur said:
Oh wow @AlwaysSummer. Like, what? Do we have the same mother?? It's continuously gob-smacking to me that other people see their own experiences in what I say. I guess that's what a lifetime of isolation, parental neglect and self-gaslighting will do to you. I've taken my parents' treatment of me so personally for so long, it's impacted every single part of my life in the most painful ways. It's so comfortable to be believed and to have others identify. Even though I'd wish the pain of it on nobody.

And oh YEAH to the "constantly worrying about you". Like WTF? My mother "has been praying for me" for decades. I'm not religious, never was. She also tells GC sibling how much she worries about me "because she keeps to herself, whereas with you (GC sibling), you'll tell me what your problems are and I can help". Let's say that's true - why then is GC the only one you spend time with and communicate with, mommy dearest? Where's the active demonstration of this worry, or does it just suit the narrative of the neglect being all my fault?

@not_influenced, yes. Same mother over here. She loves a sob story, she salivates when someone is dying of stage 4 cancer, a neighbour dies of suicide, whatever. Anything painful that's been shared has been met with Maura down the road who's adult kid was killed in a car accident, that and the inane platitudes. I was told to "count my blessings" when I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, and to "be grateful for how strong these things make you" when I tried to talk to her about the trauma of watching my older brother have a psychotic break at 12 years old.
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She Salivates when someone is dying of stage 4 cancer did make me laugh!!! My aunt once described my mother as being drawn to misery or someone who's dying. It is the oddest and most peculiar behaviour to witness, she could know the name of someone in our village and gave no dealings with them for 40+ years. Then they are on deaths door and shes calling over with apple pies and be friending dieing persons daughter!
For onlookers you'd think isn't she great helping out, but she's then saying how terrible it is & the woman is dying. Comments on how bad the dying woman looks and it becomes the pity party for my mother!
 
LOL. Isn't it just bananas. I think it's the mother martyr obsession. How could this woman be at fault in any way, sure she's mother Theresa in the community.

The apple pies for the dying stranger is unhinged. Though I'm surprised at the effort. My mother just pays lip service to the extreme. I recall a family tragedy in the neighbours a few years ago, my mother talked about it obsessively for weeks, how awful the parents look, how they will never recover blah blah. "Have you called around to offer support to them mum?" "Oh no I wouldn't want to disturb them / too busy/ keep meaning to" never happened. That's my mother to a tee. She told my husband's mother she knew exactly what she was going through when her son died because "I'm still grieving my son" (who's mentally ill but still alive), the woman is batsh1t.

She dined out on that death too until it became old news, couldn't understand what MIL was still upset two years later at a family wedding.

It's like they don't understand how humans work. They are malfunctioning but everyone else has to suffer for it.
 
Does anybody else’s NM call their adult children ‘sick in the head’ or say there must be something wrong with your brain?? It sends my chest spinning and makes me heart race when she says it. She’ll say it to my face or say it to my kids. It’s awful.

We are going through a health emergency at the moment at home involving an emergency hospital referral. Of course, it’s all about Narcissistic mother and nothing about how said person who is unwell is feeling, the drama, the awful snipes, the fact I’m not doing enough or pushing the GP enough 🙄. We have an urgent referral.
I feel totally unsupported and alone and as if it’s my fault? Does that make sense? My concern is my child. But get this - it’s making HER ill. Her life is ruined and nothing is the same. Poor pity NM.

Navigating a sick child and a narcissist is simply soul destroying. Again you don’t get care or support or a listening ear, you get drama, stress.

I’m cutting contact. I’ve had a lot to deal with over the last few months. I’ve come to realise being raised by a narcissist has left me with zero skills to cope with adult life. I’m not like others for sure, people walk over me. I feel like I have no real friends. I feel so isolated. I feel different from the norm I suppose. Brought up terrified.
We will get through this. Just venting here because I know you’ll all understand to some degree what it is like.
 
You are absolutely right. You need to concentrate on your child and yourself. The Narc, as ever, is after drama and public approval (from people who haven't a clue).
Adult Children of Narcs (ACONs) are stronger than we know. We've had to find away of surviving them.
 
OK, let's go!
Can a narcissistic mother only isolate one of her children and turn everyone against you? Or am I the narcissist?
Long story ahead...
So I'm 1 of 6. 3 girls, 3 boys. I was always the black sheep and never got on with her, but she definitely favoured the boys (and looking back, it was/is so blatant). I was the youngest of the girls and vividly remember being 10 and refusing to go to church (we are not devout christians - she hasn't even been for decades) so she removed the TV from my shared room, which pissed my sister off, and then when she got back, called my friends mum to say I can't go to her birthday party, all because i didn't go to church. I was devastated, and she just stood there with a big grin on her face. I remember starting my period at 11/12 and never had 'the chat' so i had no clue and it was my sister (only 18 months older then me) who explained everything and showed me where her sanitary products were for me to use (she bought her own) It turns out she had had 'the chat' with both sisters. I remember she'd always single me out in front of people, knowing it made me embarrassed and bright red. It's like she got some sort of kick out of it. If a couple of us did something wrong, it was all my fault, and she'd always have to bring it up in a group setting. When I was in year 10, she punched me in the face, causing a nose bleed, because I hadn't done my coursework, due in Friday. It was Tuesday. I started to bunk off school a few times and the only time they noticed, they rung her. I again got punched in the face. She never assaulted my siblings. I confided in a friend, who wanted to take things further but I refused. She could only ever ring the landline (she was worried, so would ring every night) and mum would stand close by so I couldn't really talk. It was very uncomfortable. When I was 18, I was the only child she wanted to pay board. I said my sisters never and she said it's because they went to uni. Fair enough. I moved out instead. Ironically, my brothers also never had to. 1 went to uni but the 2 that didn't, lived there until 26 (before they got him somewhere he pays partial rent for) and one still lives there now at 29. The ones that went to uni, also returned home, for nothing, until mid-late twenties.
She spent over 12k on each of my sisters weddings. I got a 4k contribution and with that, was expected to pay for ALL the families rooms for the night! (I don't want to sound ungrateful, just comparing)
I had my first child at 22. My partner rung to tell her and even though it was out of visiting hours, she insisted on coming to the hospital right away. I was still getting my V stitched up as she walked in with dad. Obviously it was photo galore of her, dad and baby. None of me. She then plastered it on Facebook before we even told anyone else. (Pretty certain she was in the car park, leaving) She instantly started to make nasty comments about how i would dress her. She thought breastfeeding was disgustung, so I'd always remove myself to do it (even in my own home). She never commented to my sisters, when they had babies. We went round for Christmas day and baby was only 10 days old. She cried for hours. We 'ruined' Christmas. She even had us put her in a crib, by the window, in a different room, so we could eat 'in peace'. At the time, we didn't know better. Obviously every time she saw her, it was a photo op for Facebook. I had my second the following year. This time I plucked up the courage to tell her not to post anything. We ended up staying in the hospital for 5 days. They visited twice and each time she barely spoke, only asking if she can put anything on Facebook. Within seconds of me putting one on, she did. She even commented on how many likes she got over mine. I literally didn't care 🤣. She amped it all up. If a sock fell off a foot, she threatened to report me to social services . She came round one day and the bed sheets were in the wash, again 'if social services come round and see no bedsheets, they'll take them off you'. If there was a pile of washing 'social services will take them off you'. She never rung them. To make matters worse, I was always close to my dad. He's a farmer and I always helped him out, even in full time employment and when I had my children. The only of his children to stay helping all their lives. They wanted to expand the business and went for another tenancy, in doing so, they needed someone to live there and dad asked us. Of course we said yes. I remember being dragged to the interview with a 10 month old and pregnant, as it 'will look good'. This is where things changed even more. I worked with dad all the time and we were very close. Even though mum would come up every weekend, she wouldn't come and see the kids. If she did, she posted on Facebook. Obviously all her friends think she's this amazing grany, but the reality was, when she posts, is when she sees them....very rarely. On birthdays I noticed she posts photos I've sent her, as if they are her own pictures, so swiftly stopped sending her any. She doesn't ring or come to see them, just a facebook post for her friends to fawn over. I remember organising a bbq with my brother one afternoon and that afternoon they got wind of it, and kicked off about it, so at the last minute, we had to invite everyone. I took my daughter to watch beauty and the beast at the theatre with my sister, for her late birthday treat, and then got shouted at by my dad for 'how do you think mum feels'. Literally anything I planned with anyone, became an argument with dad, because mum wasn't invited, yet they didn't plan anything themselves. Obviously, there was no issue if it was my 2 sisters just meeting up, only if it was me. I always gave dad the benefit of the doubt because she was his wife and pecked his head about it. I mean the man works 12-14hour days and gets yelled at if her tea isn't on when she comes home or of he hasn't put the washing out on the line. (She works 9-4)
When she would see the kids briefly, she'd say horrible things to their faces about their looks and how they're going to be bullied because my then 4 year old couldn't read or write very well. I actually started to keep a list of dates of when she visited and what she said! My daughter would always ask if she could go for a sleepover, and she'd say yes, but never do it. My daughter stopped asking. She never got a sleepover.
It all came to a head last year when my husband was struggling with his mental health. He was suicidal but we were getting help from his GP and the crisis team. This wasn't good enough for her. She demanded he told his parents, who couldn't help anyway because they live in Portugal. He didn't want to worry them but I persuaded him just to let them know and when I messaged to tell her, she had already told them !!!!! She also then rung and told his brother , who he hasn't spoken to in over a decade !!! She openly told me she'd discussed it with her friends at school (she's a TA) We were gobsmacked, but that still wasn't the end. About 6 weeks later, I get a call from the safeguarding team. Straight away I tell them I know exactly who's done it, as she's threatened to, ever since the kids were little. She'd told them I was being physically abused (lie) and the children were being emotionally abused (lie). The woman was actually really nice as I explained everything, but she did say she'd have to contact the kids schools...something else mum wanted us to do but we didn't see the need. The case was closed within 24 hours. We were so happy. Mother, not so much. She'd tell my sister (and no doubt her friends) how useless social services are and how they don't take things seriously as they 'apparently' closed it within 24 hours. Safe to say I informed my dad I would no longer work for them. We still wanted to farm though. Our relationship was now non existant, only pleasantries with dad. We discussed potentially moving off the farm, as it was now uncomfortbale and dad always said that (basically hinting, imo, and i felt guilty). He verbally agreed to buy my livestock, at an agreed price, in March. With still no payment, he arranged a sit down meeting with mum in June. She comes round, all nice as pie, but once sat, quickly changed. She'd sit there with this creepy smile spread across her face. She looked me square in the face and said how she can get me out this house, she can have the locks changed etc (bare in mind, her grandchildren lived there aswell) I said fine, but I want my money. Still smiling, 'what money? You can't prove they were yours to begin with'. Obviously, I was fuming. Dad then said, of course we'll pay, and she went off saying i owed her xyz for bills. Bills that we were never allowed to see and weren't allowed to set up in our own names. (2 years prior, they got my brother another tenanted farm and he paid them no bills, only partial rent.) I thought duck it, sent them over 2 grand they demanded for 'bills', with no agreement on what they'd now pay me for the livestock, baring in mind this was the deposit we needed to move out. They paid 5 grand less then verbally agreed! On top of the 2 i sent them, we were now 7 000 short. They still don't know I voice recorded the 'meeting' and when I mentioned anything said to dad, he denied it was even said! Everytime I then saw him, it was, have you found a house. Eventually we rushed and did. It's not what or where we wanted, but it got us out. And I had zero intentions of telling them where. She came to the house the last day, and the kids were ignoring her. She made a whole song and dance about how disgusting they were, and she may aswell go home if they're not going to talk to her. She didn't. She said we need to decide if we still want to be part of the family and when I asked why, she said so she knows if to buy them Christmas presents 🤯 Dad then came and cried. I felt guilty, so typed our new address in his phone. I wish i never. He then went over to my husbands van, shouting at him, that it's all his fault. We left.
Still not the end. She now keeps msging me, 8 months later, to which I don't reply, (dad never texts or calls). I swear it's so she can show people that she's tried. She turns up to the house unannounced - more than what she's ever done in the last 9 years! We got a ring door bell, just so we know who's here. Sometimes we just hide inside. None of us want to see her. She came with Easter eggs from the family, and refused to leave them because we weren't in 🤣 my relationships are now pretty strained with all my siblings, even though they know her for what she is. Noone even thought the need to tell us we were getting a new nephew. It was just 'oh, I thought someone told you'. Obviously, it became a talking point in the village when we left and I know for a fact dad tells people it was just a falling out. Even her family friends I've told the truth to , seem to empathise with her? Extended family no longer talk to me, so I assume there's a made up story somewhere I don't know about.
But yeah, there's my fucked up little life. Sometimes I think have I over reacted? I even questionend, am I the narcissist? But one thing for certain, we are so happy to not be in that situation anymore. I do miss dad but then remember how he treated us. He's like her little puppet. Never did i think he'd betray us like that. We havent been able to celebrate his 60th with him, which still makes me sad and I wonder if he reflects on it too. I doubt it.
We now just need her to stop turning up at the house - I don't think she ever will. We've even joked about putting a sold sign up, haha.
Sorry for the essay.
 
Good Egg said:
Does anybody else’s NM call their adult children ‘sick in the head’ or say there must be something wrong with your brain?? It sends my chest spinning and makes me heart race when she says it. She’ll say it to my face or say it to my kids. It’s awful.
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Yes, NF would say all the time that I must be sick in the head. In fact when I was in my early teens, he even took me to a psychiatrist to try get me on medication because I disagreed with him on something. I try not to think about these things because it's so bonkers no one would ever believe me if I told them.
 
FairySparkles said:
OK, let's go!
Can a narcissistic mother only isolate one of her children and turn everyone against you? Or am I the narcissist?
Long story ahead...
So I'm 1 of 6. 3 girls, 3 boys. I was always the black sheep and never got on with her, but she definitely favoured the boys (and looking back, it was/is so blatant). I was the youngest of the girls and vividly remember being 10 and refusing to go to church (we are not devout christians - she hasn't even been for decades) so she removed the TV from my shared room, which pissed my sister off, and then when she got back, called my friends mum to say I can't go to her birthday party, all because i didn't go to church. I was devastated, and she just stood there with a big grin on her face. I remember starting my period at 11/12 and never had 'the chat' so i had no clue and it was my sister (only 18 months older then me) who explained everything and showed me where her sanitary products were for me to use (she bought her own) It turns out she had had 'the chat' with both sisters. I remember she'd always single me out in front of people, knowing it made me embarrassed and bright red. It's like she got some sort of kick out of it. If a couple of us did something wrong, it was all my fault, and she'd always have to bring it up in a group setting. When I was in year 10, she punched me in the face, causing a nose bleed, because I hadn't done my coursework, due in Friday. It was Tuesday. I started to bunk off school a few times and the only time they noticed, they rung her. I again got punched in the face. She never assaulted my siblings. I confided in a friend, who wanted to take things further but I refused. She could only ever ring the landline (she was worried, so would ring every night) and mum would stand close by so I couldn't really talk. It was very uncomfortable. When I was 18, I was the only child she wanted to pay board. I said my sisters never and she said it's because they went to uni. Fair enough. I moved out instead. Ironically, my brothers also never had to. 1 went to uni but the 2 that didn't, lived there until 26 (before they got him somewhere he pays partial rent for) and one still lives there now at 29. The ones that went to uni, also returned home, for nothing, until mid-late twenties.
She spent over 12k on each of my sisters weddings. I got a 4k contribution and with that, was expected to pay for ALL the families rooms for the night! (I don't want to sound ungrateful, just comparing)
I had my first child at 22. My partner rung to tell her and even though it was out of visiting hours, she insisted on coming to the hospital right away. I was still getting my V stitched up as she walked in with dad. Obviously it was photo galore of her, dad and baby. None of me. She then plastered it on Facebook before we even told anyone else. (Pretty certain she was in the car park, leaving) She instantly started to make nasty comments about how i would dress her. She thought breastfeeding was disgustung, so I'd always remove myself to do it (even in my own home). She never commented to my sisters, when they had babies. We went round for Christmas day and baby was only 10 days old. She cried for hours. We 'ruined' Christmas. She even had us put her in a crib, by the window, in a different room, so we could eat 'in peace'. At the time, we didn't know better. Obviously every time she saw her, it was a photo op for Facebook. I had my second the following year. This time I plucked up the courage to tell her not to post anything. We ended up staying in the hospital for 5 days. They visited twice and each time she barely spoke, only asking if she can put anything on Facebook. Within seconds of me putting one on, she did. She even commented on how many likes she got over mine. I literally didn't care 🤣. She amped it all up. If a sock fell off a foot, she threatened to report me to social services . She came round one day and the bed sheets were in the wash, again 'if social services come round and see no bedsheets, they'll take them off you'. If there was a pile of washing 'social services will take them off you'. She never rung them. To make matters worse, I was always close to my dad. He's a farmer and I always helped him out, even in full time employment and when I had my children. The only of his children to stay helping all their lives. They wanted to expand the business and went for another tenancy, in doing so, they needed someone to live there and dad asked us. Of course we said yes. I remember being dragged to the interview with a 10 month old and pregnant, as it 'will look good'. This is where things changed even more. I worked with dad all the time and we were very close. Even though mum would come up every weekend, she wouldn't come and see the kids. If she did, she posted on Facebook. Obviously all her friends think she's this amazing grany, but the reality was, when she posts, is when she sees them....very rarely. On birthdays I noticed she posts photos I've sent her, as if they are her own pictures, so swiftly stopped sending her any. She doesn't ring or come to see them, just a facebook post for her friends to fawn over. I remember organising a bbq with my brother one afternoon and that afternoon they got wind of it, and kicked off about it, so at the last minute, we had to invite everyone. I took my daughter to watch beauty and the beast at the theatre with my sister, for her late birthday treat, and then got shouted at by my dad for 'how do you think mum feels'. Literally anything I planned with anyone, became an argument with dad, because mum wasn't invited, yet they didn't plan anything themselves. Obviously, there was no issue if it was my 2 sisters just meeting up, only if it was me. I always gave dad the benefit of the doubt because she was his wife and pecked his head about it. I mean the man works 12-14hour days and gets yelled at if her tea isn't on when she comes home or of he hasn't put the washing out on the line. (She works 9-4)
When she would see the kids briefly, she'd say horrible things to their faces about their looks and how they're going to be bullied because my then 4 year old couldn't read or write very well. I actually started to keep a list of dates of when she visited and what she said! My daughter would always ask if she could go for a sleepover, and she'd say yes, but never do it. My daughter stopped asking. She never got a sleepover.
It all came to a head last year when my husband was struggling with his mental health. He was suicidal but we were getting help from his GP and the crisis team. This wasn't good enough for her. She demanded he told his parents, who couldn't help anyway because they live in Portugal. He didn't want to worry them but I persuaded him just to let them know and when I messaged to tell her, she had already told them !!!!! She also then rung and told his brother , who he hasn't spoken to in over a decade !!! She openly told me she'd discussed it with her friends at school (she's a TA) We were gobsmacked, but that still wasn't the end. About 6 weeks later, I get a call from the safeguarding team. Straight away I tell them I know exactly who's done it, as she's threatened to, ever since the kids were little. She'd told them I was being physically abused (lie) and the children were being emotionally abused (lie). The woman was actually really nice as I explained everything, but she did say she'd have to contact the kids schools...something else mum wanted us to do but we didn't see the need. The case was closed within 24 hours. We were so happy. Mother, not so much. She'd tell my sister (and no doubt her friends) how useless social services are and how they don't take things seriously as they 'apparently' closed it within 24 hours. Safe to say I informed my dad I would no longer work for them. We still wanted to farm though. Our relationship was now non existant, only pleasantries with dad. We discussed potentially moving off the farm, as it was now uncomfortbale and dad always said that (basically hinting, imo, and i felt guilty). He verbally agreed to buy my livestock, at an agreed price, in March. With still no payment, he arranged a sit down meeting with mum in June. She comes round, all nice as pie, but once sat, quickly changed. She'd sit there with this creepy smile spread across her face. She looked me square in the face and said how she can get me out this house, she can have the locks changed etc (bare in mind, her grandchildren lived there aswell) I said fine, but I want my money. Still smiling, 'what money? You can't prove they were yours to begin with'. Obviously, I was fuming. Dad then said, of course we'll pay, and she went off saying i owed her xyz for bills. Bills that we were never allowed to see and weren't allowed to set up in our own names. (2 years prior, they got my brother another tenanted farm and he paid them no bills, only partial rent.) I thought duck it, sent them over 2 grand they demanded for 'bills', with no agreement on what they'd now pay me for the livestock, baring in mind this was the deposit we needed to move out. They paid 5 grand less then verbally agreed! On top of the 2 i sent them, we were now 7 000 short. They still don't know I voice recorded the 'meeting' and when I mentioned anything said to dad, he denied it was even said! Everytime I then saw him, it was, have you found a house. Eventually we rushed and did. It's not what or where we wanted, but it got us out. And I had zero intentions of telling them where. She came to the house the last day, and the kids were ignoring her. She made a whole song and dance about how disgusting they were, and she may aswell go home if they're not going to talk to her. She didn't. She said we need to decide if we still want to be part of the family and when I asked why, she said so she knows if to buy them Christmas presents 🤯 Dad then came and cried. I felt guilty, so typed our new address in his phone. I wish i never. He then went over to my husbands van, shouting at him, that it's all his fault. We left.
Still not the end. She now keeps msging me, 8 months later, to which I don't reply, (dad never texts or calls). I swear it's so she can show people that she's tried. She turns up to the house unannounced - more than what she's ever done in the last 9 years! We got a ring door bell, just so we know who's here. Sometimes we just hide inside. None of us want to see her. She came with Easter eggs from the family, and refused to leave them because we weren't in 🤣 my relationships are now pretty strained with all my siblings, even though they know her for what she is. Noone even thought the need to tell us we were getting a new nephew. It was just 'oh, I thought someone told you'. Obviously, it became a talking point in the village when we left and I know for a fact dad tells people it was just a falling out. Even her family friends I've told the truth to , seem to empathise with her? Extended family no longer talk to me, so I assume there's a made up story somewhere I don't know about.
But yeah, there's my fucked up little life. Sometimes I think have I over reacted? I even questionend, am I the narcissist? But one thing for certain, we are so happy to not be in that situation anymore. I do miss dad but then remember how he treated us. He's like her little puppet. Never did i think he'd betray us like that. We havent been able to celebrate his 60th with him, which still makes me sad and I wonder if he reflects on it too. I doubt it.
We now just need her to stop turning up at the house - I don't think she ever will. We've even joked about putting a sold sign up, haha.
Sorry for the essay.
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What a nightmare for you! She is a monster and your poor father is stuck with her. You have done the right thing and are best off out of the situation. Although it seems to you that all the neighbourhood believes her stories - that you are at fault - I bet that is not the case and the majority know what kind of person she is.
Enjoy your life with your husband and children away from her.
 
Please help! I'm having a bad guilt day for being NC! I'm thinking about how my dad is all alone, not seeing his grandchildren and missing out 😔

BTW I have never stopped my children from seeing him. He has my daughter's phone number and could message her if he wanted. He could also message my husband. He could have also been a nicer father but here we are....

It's not often I feel guilty, but today I'm riddled with it. I felt guilty about a year ago and stupidly reached out, i had made an excuse that i had something he might like and would send it to him if he wanted. He replied saying that he wasn't interested. About a month later I got an email from him telling me to give up my inheritance that my gran had left me so that my auntie could have it all.

It baffles me that I feel guilty today, but I just do. I guess these situations aren't black and white are they.
 
Rodneytrotter, I think it's normal to feel guilt when you've gone no contact. Your brain likes things the way they usually are and will be giving you signs that something is wrong. And because you're a 'normal' person with empathy, you're able to feel compassion for your dad ❤️
 
HitnMiss said:
Rodneytrotter, I think it's normal to feel guilt when you've gone no contact. Your brain likes things the way they usually are and will be giving you signs that something is wrong. And because you're a 'normal' person with empathy, you're able to feel compassion for your dad ❤
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Aww thanks it's nice to have a reminder. There was a feature on good morning Britain about millennials cutting off their parents. I didn't see it but stupidly looked at the comments on the Facebook page. I think that's what triggered it for me.
 
Has anyone read Lindsay Gibson's books on emotionally immature parents? I'm a useless reader (thanks ADHD) but some podcast interviews she's done have been super helpful and reassuring to me lately. There are two relatively recent episodes on How to Do Hard Things that I'd recommend to anyone with parents like ours. I find the direct language and her knowledge of what adult children experience so validating. It's clarified so much to me in terms of how i've struggled with 1. believing my own experience of what I went through Vs what my parent TELLS me our family is ("family is everything" / "you had a privileged childhood") and 2. releasing the guilt of feeling as though I am responsible for their feelings / theirs are more important than mine.

And I've been finding her "Bill of Rights" REALLY really helpful in reducing the guilt / obligation / fear that so many of us struggle with - here's a vid:
 
Rodneytrotter said:
Aww thanks it's nice to have a reminder. There was a feature on good morning Britain about millennials cutting off their parents. I didn't see it but stupidly looked at the comments on the Facebook page. I think that's what triggered it for me.
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Aw love, he's a rotter. Don't feel guilty. He's the one that should feel guilty. My father was an an abusive bully to me my whole childhood (to put it extremely mildly) and I cut him off years ago. I guess he'd be about 80 now? He's never attempted to interact in any sort of normal way - never acknowledged me marrying or my kids birth. He does have my landline number but we are abroad. He called about 6 months ago and told me his brother had died and he was so wierd. He didn't know a thing about me, slagged off my mother (divorced) and then he started ranting about immigrants???? I just put the phone down and reprogrammed the phone to say "Satan calling" when his number comes up.

He still calls every couple of months and the phone says "Satan calling" and we all just ignore it and shudder. Just keep on looking after you and the real people in your life, you are doing great 💜
 
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