CHRISTMAS dadedededee says Loopy manically, sounding like no discernible Christmas tune I’ve ever heard because did you know her Spotify algorithm only plays French jazz and hospital sounds?
‘Christmas’ bleats out Ryan sounding just as disenchanted with it as the hobo guy swigging liquor from a paper bag on top of the Polar Express. ‘No I can’t wait…I can’t…freaking wait’ he sighs. THIS IS RYAN’S SEASON GUYS!! Louise has never met anyone that adores Christmas as much as he does! Who does she know, Oliver Cromwell and a load of Presbyterians?
They’ve had some
tit christmasses guys over the past few years so it’s down to Louise to ‘pull out all the stops’ and basically just not invent a health crisis before the charred Turkey (oh come on they are totally wanky enough to have goose) makes it out of the oven.
Anyway Louise has it all in hand because she hides notes and gifts about the house every day in the run up to Christmas and writes the clues herself which Ryan can’t believe. Er, she is a published author you donut
Ryan takes a moment to reflect on his poor childhood in middle class Devon where the only thing his dad had to wear was a stinky old threadbare cardigan, and they made it into a hilarious ironic joke that it was a ‘King cardigan’. Pretty sure we’ve seen Ryan wear it on occasion too come to think of it. Ryan’s dad would sit with a whisky in the stinky cardigan while everyone else did the tree, aww beautiful memories. Louise is HORRIFIED that the Christmas tree was FAKE and they weren’t doing that just to be environmental or anything, that was like, their tree. The SAME one year after year! Ryan is excited now that he’s found someone to leach off and therefore secure a big
duck off Norwegian fur delivered fresh every year. He’s made it.
Also kids are so awesome you guys, did you know they have a son? No I forgot as well actually but apparently he was allowed unfettered access to a bunch of Christmas decs and clipped some in his hair which apparently is the funniest thing he’s ever done. That shows how little they take notice of the lad because he’s 3, at that age they constantly churn out top quality comedy. Literally they spend 8 minutes talking about
bleeping baubles like they have exclusive treasure that needs to be described as the listener possibly can’t imagine such wonders like it’s the bloody Queen Mary’s Fringe Tiara and not a run of the mill gingerbread man. Give me strength. ‘Do the paypol in your fahhhhmily’ drawls Louise, ‘open presents in front of everyone one by one like the poor do? And then like, everyone wotttttches? Annnd you harv to say thank you to the gever there and than?’
Obviously Loopy doesn’t do that they all get a big
duck off pile to tear through without a by your leave. Which explains her heavy handed gifted item obliteration.
Loops family always watched the Queen’s speech, which, she muses, will probably now be called the King’s speech. WELL YES YOU BLOODY IDIOT SHE CAN’T DO IT FROM UNDER THE ROYAL VAULT CAN SHE.
I’ve had enough, so now in honour of what is apparently Loopy’s favourite Christmas song,
On the first day of Christmas that should be all about me,
Alan Partridge gets a real tree
On the second day of Christmas that should be all about me,
Two former lovers
And a Partridge in a real tree
On the third day of Christmas that should be all about me,
Three French Jazz songs
(You get the idea)
Alan partridge gets a real tree,
Two former lovers
Three French jazz songs,
Four charred birds
FIVE MISSING RINGS
Six wanky candles
Seven doctor appointments
Eight panto outfits
Nine sound baths
Ten days of weeping
Eleven cups of blood
Twelve nights at ICU Chelsea
And Alan Partridge gets a real tree
) and he completed the Marathon de Sables.
