Liz Jones #2 Nobody puts the Myla Thong in a corner!

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Had a brainstorm last night, and asked The Dulverton Players if they'd ever staged "The Match Girls", in which she claimed to have played a part while she was in Somerset and met Jim Kerr The Rock Star in a pub afterwards while still wearing her makeup.

Their response ? Correct, they have never, ever staged that play. Why am I not surprised...
 
The only record I can find online of an amateur performance of The Matchgirls since the 1970s is an international school out in Oman ... which is a conservative Muslim country so they're going to pick something twee. And I'm still amused that Liz thinks Emmeline Pankhurst had anything to do with the match strike or was elderly at the time
 
@ ThePelican.. oh my Lord Thankyou! My post was about the ravages of time really? Who keeps that bloom.. it is ‘Bloom’not filler or Botox. Be yourself in real time. Tough eh.
I like how I look. Never had any procedure but hair from bottle. Basically.

@

None of it is true.. Dulverston players, Jim Kerr, parts of Scrace, family stuff, Cambridge man, Rock Star.. it’s a contrived set of lies for a column wage? It’s risky now for Daily Mail for it to be so much of a LIE? Yet they continue.. you know she’s the only abject liar… despite their often disparate viewpoints most of them speak truth as they see it.
 
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Hey Hey It's the Plodcast. Cut for length:

Nic is excited about Easter. Liz is all, "I don't like Easter cuz I have to have to work on every public holiday." Nic like Easter eggs. Liz finds them "a disappointment." Nic enjoyed a vegan chocolate orange Easter egg from Co-Op. Liz: "I don't liiiike orange in chocolate." I've never heard a grown woman whine as much as she does. We're less than two minutes in, and I'm thoroughly sick of her already.

She promises no Miranda Priestley Moments or "chippy!" this week. I'll believe that when I see it. She complains that she had "boudoir" photos taken for a Mail article and now whenever she moves house, the male movers "smirk" at her. I dunno, put the pictures away in a box or something? She references two future columns and says "I could have a book of my columns!" Congrats on finding something that might actually sell fewer copies than 8 and a Half Stone. Liz references sending an "airbrushed" photo to "Russell the film star." I wonder if anyone's legal team happens to be listening in?

Liz reads out an old column about Marie Helvin, of whom she gives an exceptionally glowing and poetic description. The "is Liz secretly gay?" fans must be having a field day. She and Marie both like to start an interview with a glass of wine and are "deliciously bitchy!", which means they're "twins!" and "as one!" Well, there's Carrie Bradshaw, and Miranda Priestley ... triplets? Quads? More? She goes on and on about David Bailey cheating on Marie, Mick Jagger cheating on Jerry Hall, etc. JUST LIKE Liz got cheated on.

Nic is watching Gentleman Jack and Killing Eve which Liz does not like, after her florid descriptions of Marie I guess she wants to tone down the gay a notch. Liz gets in a mention of Nigel-stalking yet again. She lectures Nic for spending too much time watching TV unlike Liz who is so fit and active and committed to "deaf films and talking about being deaf." Nic lays out a plan to not watch any TV at all next week and focus on what she thinks are improving activities such as walking her dogs or listening to music. At least she shows some capacity for self-reflection unlike Liz.

This week's column is about "confidence." Liz read a book called Confidence Culture by Rosalind Gill and Shani Orgad. She references the Sarah Everard murder which is discussed in the book - yes this is the same Liz who thought Sarah's murder was a hilarious joke for her podcast. What the book is actually about is the problem of women being told that anything can be fixed by having enough "confidence", when what's really needed is wider societal change. E.g. telling women to have "body confidence" (rather than do anything about the beauty industry), or to take safety precautions to avoid rape or murder (rather than do anything about rapists and murderers.)

Did any of this go into Liz's head? LOL no! She rambles about how a lack of confidence has ruined her life, she didn't dare stand up to her sister, negotiate wages, talk to men, apply for jobs, or say boo to a goose. The column insults a "flaky, over-confident, chippy" (yeah, we knew you wouldn't keep your word, Liz!) who quit caring for Liz's horse due to COVID. Liz drones on: "I don't stand up for myself, I don't put my foot down, I don't say no ..." I'm crying tears of blood here. "I was bullied, I was scared of boys, I was scared of school ..." The alleged bully is her sister Sue, yes the one she had to buy a house for. She implies Sue may have been abusive to their parents which is why they did not intervene to protect Liz. That's a serious allegation, again, I wonder if anyone's legal team are listening in this week?

Liz talks about her bankruptcy and how she was intimidated, was not allowed to choose her own lawyer, etc. She is "too nice", "never had a moment to herself", could never be rich because she's too nice ... Where, then, did her high six-figure salary for at least a decade go? The FRS broke up with his younger girlfriend and texted Liz, but she didn't reply because he treats her like "the vaginal equivalent of a courtesy car" and didn't even ask about Gracie! Her humiliation was compounded when she ran into "a semi-famous man from Ireland" who joked about her eyebrow transplant and asked if she'd have a "vaginal tuck" next. Liz replied with a "Beyoncé swagger" that she doesn't need one. I'm sure all this really happened, albeit in Liz's head.

Liz claims she was "the first white woman in an elephant training camp" and physically fought men in Ethiopia for treating their elephants poorly. She goes into TMI about "vomiting" when she went into the Big Brother house. We get another archive column about how when she was in Canada (a "godforsaken country") for the Mail, her "nervous racehorse" Lizzie died. Liz says she bought three houses, two other horses, and hired Nic all for Lizzie. She starts breaking down and crying as she reads about being told Lizzie had died. This is quite sad actually, although it seems hollow when you remember how Liz has treated numerous other animals.

Nic could not be arsed to write any "fan mail" for Liz this week so she reads out some comments from last week's column instead. Of course she only reads out the ones that agree with Liz about being too good for any man. Liz says "I'm not desperate ..." please stop, my sides hurt. We get a repetition of Liz's hilarious "which one are you?" for the third or fourth week running.
 
Dreary. Apart from the fact she doesn't know what day it is, it contains the best line ever. Brace, brace!
 

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Free advice for Liz (or rather Nic since she reads Tattle and reports back to Liz):

If you'd like to be taken seriously (either by your readers or the man himself) when you say someone is the love of your life: 1. Don't treat him like tit beforehand 2. Make your mind up! This week "the love of your life" is David, in recent weeks alone it's been Nigel, "Russell the film star" ...
 
She writes that she has the vagina of a teenager according to David? If a man said that to me I’d find it disturbing? Add on the navy blue school knickers and the depilatory obsessions and it’s clear they indulged each other’s slightly sordid fantasies. Calling Scrace the ‘Love of her life’ …wow she must be utterly desperate for any morsel of attention.
 
Origen said:
She writes that she has the vagina of a teenager according to David? If a man said that to me I’d find it disturbing? Add on the navy blue school knickers and the depilatory obsessions and it’s clear they indulged each other’s slightly sordid fantasies. Calling Scrace the ‘Love of her life’ …wow she must be utterly desperate for any morsel of attention.
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She's utterly desperate for something to write about! She has *no life*, she has *no friends*. She frantically rakes over the cold, dead coals of the last fifteen years and has absolutely nothing to show for it other than two paperweights. Such a waste of a life.
 
Origen said:
She writes that she has the vagina of a teenager according to David? If a man said that to me I’d find it disturbing? Add on the navy blue school knickers and the depilatory obsessions and it’s clear they indulged each other’s slightly sordid fantasies. Calling Scrace the ‘Love of her life’ …wow she must be utterly desperate for any morsel of attention.
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But she's still planning to publish The Tortoise in which her self-insert apparently murders thinly veiled versions of him and his ex? (And implies the school knickers make him a Jimmy Savile ... I'm evading the autocensor lol)
 
witchofwestbyfleet said:
But she's still planning to publish The Tortoise in which her self-insert apparently murders thinly veiled versions of him and his ex? (And implies the school knickers make him a Jimmy Savile ... I'm evading the autocensor lol)
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Mediastar said:
She's utterly desperate for something to write about! She has *no life*, she has *no friends*. She frantically rakes over the cold, dead coals of the last fifteen years and has absolutely nothing to show for it other than two paperweights. Such a waste of a life.
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Lordy..
It’s starting to all have some serious ‘Whatever happened to Baby Jane?’ undertones.I think Bette David used less makeup though?
 

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My aged parent.. has come a bit of a cropper. Hopefully not too serious but involves a pub and a mobility scooter! Add to that being 85 and I’ve got my work cut out for me this wkend. @witchofwestbyfleet I will def catch your summary and check in comments on Sunday night. Hey.. is anyone else waiting for the eyebrows? Or the ‘Broos’ as we say in Scotland!!
 
I've been busy last couple of weeks and have avoided the toxins of jug eared jones, but noticed the thread has been updated, had a read through, thanks @witchofwestbyfleet for your awesome plodcast recaps and thoughts with @Origen hope all is well with your family.

Now going to brace myself for this weeks borefest, ok I could just not read it, haven't for the last couple of weeks, but unfortunately it does not seem that by me not reading it, that it's going to go away, so will indulge the morbid curiosity and have a combined rage/eyeroll/pity/disdain fest at her expense, well not really her expense, the DM's cos they're paying her for this tit

eta @Origen I'm a Scot too :)
 
Whine of the Week aka Plodcast. As usual, cut for length:

Liz talks about David Bailey's autobiography again and how she and Marie Helvin are "twins! twins! twins!" Nic blatantly lies that Liz and Marie look identical in old bikini photos. Liz talks about Jean Shrimpton's self-professed insecurities, and humblebrags about how awful she looked in a leotard at a dance class so Nic will shower her with compliments. Liz says, "If Jean Shrimpton thinks she looked like 'a pig in the snow', Nic looked like a pig in Pineapple Dance Studios." Nic is OK with this cuz she loves pigs #Pigoneer (TM). Liz and Nic forgive Bailey for being sexist and a cheat, etc. because at least he was a vegetarian. Nic claims to have become a vegetarian aged four. Warning: if you're listening to the podcast, be aware that this part contains unpleasant description of pets being killed for meat.

Liz makes a very awkward joke about Aimee Mullins: "I chased her relentlessly (to appear in Marie Claire) ... I shouldn't really say that as she's got no legs!" They argue about which screen adaptation of Pride and Prejudice they prefer. Liz tells Nic she "isn't owed any holiday." Nic loves Killing Eve and Liz hates it, Nic watched the last episode this week so bang goes her no TV resolution. Nic talks about how her mum helped her with her sick pet Charlie and Liz whines "no one helps meeeeeeeeeeee." It's all about Liz, always. Liz thinks crumpets are made out of butter, Nic says that's croissants. Liz complains about Boots being closed when the staff were at lunch. Lunch is for the weak, and everyone else should be like Liz, who has never taken a lunch break in her life.

Liz references her "award-winning column." She says "for the first time in 22 years, I'm finally cheered up!" She has finally found someone stupid enough to give her a mortgage. Liz repeatedly calls her former landlady a witch and insults her for having over-strict house rules - that's only OK when you do it, right, Liz? This is the same landlady that Liz claims she did not tell about her collies, and just moved them in without permission. And you're surprised this woman didn't like you? She did terrible things like putting up fairy lights that aren't artisan. Nic thinks it is weird to specify a single occupancy tenancy, is it so bad if you basically just let your partner move in with you?

This week's column is just a copy-paste of this one about the various houses she's lived in. Liz repeats the false statement that when she bought her first house, her dad had to act as guarantor because women were not allowed to take out mortgages alone. How do we know it is false? Liz was born in 1958. The Sex Discrimination Act 1975 outlawed mortgage discrimination when she was 16-17. If she needed a guarantor to buy a house it's because she had another issue e.g. a history of rent arrears or inconsistent income. In that article she also says she moved out because her sister was racist and didn't like Liz's Black boyfriend, yet in the podcast she said it was because her sister objected to Liz having a man stay overnight. And the Myla Thong dangled proudly from the bedpost, we presume.

Once again Liz talks about her Islington house which was near Ottolenghi and Screen on the Green and had Dido (pop star, not Tory peer) as a neighbour. Much brand name-dropping occurs. She gets in a rant about her Somerset neighbours and complains people deliberately ripped her off because they assumed she was rich. "No one helped meeeeeeeee!" she caterwauls yet again. Yet finally, "I have come through to the other side! I have risen from under a stone!" She's going to FIND HER HAPPY, like the Rightmove slogan. In a crappy attempt at creating suspense, she refuses to disclose where she is moving to. But she says that Nic isn't coming.

Liz's archive column is a commission for an unnamed magazine during an abortive attempt to become a freelance writer after the Mail sacked her in 2014. She was not asked back as the editor found her too self-pitying and said Liz came across as a victim. Liz says "I am a victim! I was duped, lied to, bitched about, and cheated on! I don't want to become a tough witch! I will help anyone if I can!" Please, please, think of my poor aching sides. There is a lengthy rant from Nic about The Problems With Society Today. Liz gives a story about offering a random old lady a lift and being turned down because "there's fur on the seat." It'd be funny if it were true.

The archive column references pet deaths and Liz's "very old mother" who was, gasp, in her forties when she had Liz and was so old she had a wheelchair. Actually she was 39 when Liz was born, and used a wheelchair because of severe arthritis exacerbated by her ballet career - but don't let facts get in the way of a good story. Warning if listening as there are graphic descriptions of Liz's cat being put to sleep, and finding an abandoned dog in a state of severe neglect. She reads out "I didn't lose my virginity till I was 32" - this is despite Liz indicating earlier in the episode that she spent the night with a man when in her 20s. Liz could quite literally not lie straight in bed. Or anywhere else. She gets in digs at Nirpal and mothers, and concludes "my animals, who I thought I had saved, have rescued me." Yeah, I wouldn't ask you back either, Liz.

Fan mail: regular contributor Anne has COVID, Liz repeats her oh so wise words "if you haven't got COVID it means you have no friends." Or, you know, are vulnerable or sheltering. Someone called "Menai" apparently wrote in, Liz makes fun of this name and pronounces it as Meanie. This one is overly-fawning so Nic probably wrote it anyway.
 
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