Jack Monroe #201 Queen of Sharts

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Toffee finger said:
Farewell kumquats!



Could you imagine her responses to their criticism?! Howling and clawing at the floor shouting “but I’m pooooor and SHE LEFT”
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I just had an image of her flipping the judging panel because they dared critique her as sloppy and lacking texture grace.
Shes capable of hulking massive sideboards around like they are mere empty cardboard boxes. So by the law of Pythagoras, it could happen.

Thankyou and also
Just for you @traumatised sideboard. Ps i think there cut up hotdogs or possibly dog food.
 

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MaineCoonMama said:
If IACGMOOH (Eye-Ack-Gamoo in celeb parlance) was the Aussie one she'd fit right in. The 'celebs' we get often have to introduce themselves to one another because nobody knows who they are. We had Charlotte Crosby one year, most of the country was like ''Who dat?'' I only knew of her as I'm an avid reader of trash-mags. BRB, just off to ping an email to Channel 10 with my suggestion.(y)
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OMG how many time would the viewers be subjected to her poverty backstory? The hotel room interview and then every. time. she met a fellow camp mate. :eek:
 
Lanie said:
I just had an image of her flipping the judging panel because they dared critique her as sloppy and lacking texture grace.
Shes capable of hulking massive sideboards around like they are mere empty cardboard boxes. So by the law of Pythagoras, it could happen.

Thankyou and also
Just for you @traumatised sideboard. Ps i think there cut up hotdogs or possibly dog food.
Click to expand...

Bearing in mind the images of cheap wet ham I've just trawled through to find a new pic, that highly cursed image is just the vom icing on the boak cake 🤮
 
Oh dear, I think we'd been recently discussing beans (after all there is rarely a Jack thread without a bean close behind) so I thought it was beans in smol avatar form but this is even worse. How upsetting. Nobody else search for sausage jelly, it's... I don't want to talk about it 😢

Jack liked a post on Twitter a few days ago about a veal steak with fried egg, butter and anchovies. She's really gone the whole hog (ha!) now she's ditched the 'mostly plant based' label. Louisa probably came home to find her comatose on the floor covered in grease and surrounded by empty jars of anchovies, tins of sardines and egg shells.
 
Jack Does Strictly


Week One Training Footage

Jack arrives at dance studio

Jack: "Hey, Aljaz! I'm Jack Monroe, single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain. I understand I've been put with you cos you're not due a ringer this year and you may have the patience and good humour to cope with me. hahahaha! what am I like? have I mentioned I can stand on my tiptoes for twelve whole minutes? I danced in heels with my bff Marcus, you know? Rashford, that is, Marcus Rashford. I solved the whole free school meals in the holidays with him you know? I don't ever like or retweet his tweets but I taught him everything about child poverty.

now then, what's our dance this week? I'll nail it. once and done, that's me"


Aljaz: (sotto voce)"what the duck have I been landed with now? Janette, please save me"

Aljaz: (out loud) "Yay! Jack! So great to see you! we're gonna do great! we will be performing (dramatic pause) street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food!'"

Week One Live Show

Alan Dedicoat: "Please welcome to the floor,
single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain, Jack Monroe and her partner Aljaz Skorjanek!!!!"

[please insert your own interpretation of Jack and Aljaz dancing street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food here]

Tess: "Wow! The people are on their feet! how does that feel my darling?"

Jack: "well, you know, Tess, it feels almost as good as that time when I launched a hate campaign against David Walliams"

Tess: ".... [Tessbot does not compute] ok. well, get on up to Claud. The scores are in!"

Claudia: "so Jack, have you tried head and shoulders?"

Jack: "I've invented a new one, Claud. out of lard and WD40. it's in the next, next book. whatever happens, I'm sure Nigella is very proud of my journey."

Claudia: "well, the scores are in. good luck Aljaz."

Craig: "bleeping dreadful, darling. ONE!"

Shirley: "It's never too early! For an exit from Shirley! 2!"

Motsi: "I have no idea what that was meant to mean, my sweet. You tried, so I can give you one."

Anton: "Haha! Marvellous! 10!"

Sunday Results Show

Tess: "So we are down to a dance off between Jack and Aljaz doing street/commercial to "Food, Glorious Food" and someone off Love Island and Amy doing a Viennese Waltz to "Industry Baby" will our first couple please take to the floor?"

[dances happen]

Tess: "Our dancers have done all they can. I just need to ask our judges who they want to save tonight"

Craig: "well, I hated one a lot less than the other, darlings. for me, it's the one off Love Island and Amy"

Motsi: "Jack, I loved your high energy, but I have to vote with my heart and save the one off Love Island and Amy

Anton: "Haha Marvellous! It's a 10 from me!"

Tess: "Shirley, you have the deciding vote. whose life will you ruin forever?"

Shirley: "Jack, your feet needed to be entirely more turned in, I don't care how long you can stand on tiptoes and for that reason I'm saving the one off Love Island and Amy."

*Jack howls, collapses to the floor, rips and tears and rents apart cans*

Aljaz breathes a sigh of relief
 
traumatised sideboard said:
Oh dear, I think we'd been recently discussing beans (after all there is rarely a Jack thread without a bean close behind) so I thought it was beans in smol avatar form but this is even worse. How upsetting. Nobody else search for sausage jelly, it's... I don't want to talk about it 😢

Jack liked a post on Twitter a few days ago about a veal steak with fried egg, butter and anchovies. She's really gone the whole hog (ha!) now she's ditched the 'mostly plant based' label. Louisa probably came home to find her comatose on the floor covered in grease and surrounded by empty jars of anchovies, tins of sardines and egg shells.
Click to expand...
Laine had an avatar of a doughnut but inside was baked beans, it haunts my dreams and I prefer sausage jelly tbh
Lanie, Christ 🥕chop chop in the pot with you, you leaf topped nincompoop
 
kachoochoo said:
Jack Does Strictly


Week One Training Footage

Jack arrives at dance studio

Jack: "Hey, Aljaz! I'm Jack Monroe, single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain. I understand I've been put with you cos you're not due a ringer this year and you may have the patience and good humour to cope with me. hahahaha! what am I like? have I mentioned I can stand on my tiptoes for twelve whole minutes? I danced in heels with my bff Marcus, you know? Rashford, that is, Marcus Rashford. I solved the whole free school meals in the holidays with him you know? I don't ever like or retweet his tweets but I taught him everything about child poverty.

now then, what's our dance this week? I'll nail it. once and done, that's me"


Aljaz: (sotto voce)"what the duck have I been landed with now? Janette, please save me"

Aljaz: (out loud) "Yay! Jack! So great to see you! we're gonna do great! we will be performing (dramatic pause) street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food!'"

Week One Live Show

Alan Dedicoat: "Please welcome to the floor,
single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain, Jack Monroe and her partner Aljaz Skorjanek!!!!"

[please insert your own interpretation of Jack and Aljaz dancing street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food here]

Tess: "Wow! The people are on their feet! how does that feel my darling?"

Jack: "well, you know, Tess, it feels almost as good as that time when I launched a hate campaign against David Walliams"

Tess: ".... [Tessbot does not compute] ok. well, get on up to Claud. The scores are in!"

Claudia: "so Jack, have you tried head and shoulders?"

Jack: "I've invented a new one, Claud. out of lard and WD40. it's in the next, next book. whatever happens, I'm sure Nigella is very proud of my journey."

Claudia: "well, the scores are in. good luck Aljaz."

Craig: "bleeping dreadful, darling. ONE!"

Shirley: "It's never too early! For an exit from Shirley! 2!"

Motsi: "I have no idea what that was meant to mean, my sweet. You tried, so I can give you one."

Anton: "Haha! Marvellous! 10!"

Sunday Results Show

Tess: "So we are down to a dance off between Jack and Aljaz doing street/commercial to "Food, Glorious Food" and someone off Love Island and Amy doing a Viennese Waltz to "Industry Baby" will our first couple please take to the floor?"

[dances happen]

Tess: "Our dancers have done all they can. I just need to ask our judges who they want to save tonight"

Craig: "well, I hated one a lot less than the other, darlings. for me, it's the one off Love Island and Amy"

Motsi: "Jack, I loved your high energy, but I have to vote with my heart and save the one off Love Island and Amy

Anton: "Haha Marvellous! It's a 10 from me!"

Tess: "Shirley, you have the deciding vote. whose life will you ruin forever?"

Shirley: "Jack, your feet needed to be entirely more turned in, I don't care how long you can stand on tiptoes and for that reason I'm saving the one off Love Island and Amy."

*Jack howls, collapses to the floor, rips and tears and rents apart cans*

Aljaz breathes a sigh of relief
Click to expand...

This is gold! 👏🏻🤣👏🏻 It’s so hard to pick a highlight, it’s all just 👩‍🍳 💋 but I lost it at Jack’s conversion with Tess and Claudia.
 
kachoochoo said:
Jack Does Strictly


Week One Training Footage

Jack arrives at dance studio

Jack: "Hey, Aljaz! I'm Jack Monroe, single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain. I understand I've been put with you cos you're not due a ringer this year and you may have the patience and good humour to cope with me. hahahaha! what am I like? have I mentioned I can stand on my tiptoes for twelve whole minutes? I danced in heels with my bff Marcus, you know? Rashford, that is, Marcus Rashford. I solved the whole free school meals in the holidays with him you know? I don't ever like or retweet his tweets but I taught him everything about child poverty.

now then, what's our dance this week? I'll nail it. once and done, that's me"


Aljaz: (sotto voce)"what the duck have I been landed with now? Janette, please save me"

Aljaz: (out loud) "Yay! Jack! So great to see you! we're gonna do great! we will be performing (dramatic pause) street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food!'"

Week One Live Show

Alan Dedicoat: "Please welcome to the floor,
single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain, Jack Monroe and her partner Aljaz Skorjanek!!!!"

[please insert your own interpretation of Jack and Aljaz dancing street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food here]

Tess: "Wow! The people are on their feet! how does that feel my darling?"

Jack: "well, you know, Tess, it feels almost as good as that time when I launched a hate campaign against David Walliams"

Tess: ".... [Tessbot does not compute] ok. well, get on up to Claud. The scores are in!"

Claudia: "so Jack, have you tried head and shoulders?"

Jack: "I've invented a new one, Claud. out of lard and WD40. it's in the next, next book. whatever happens, I'm sure Nigella is very proud of my journey."

Claudia: "well, the scores are in. good luck Aljaz."

Craig: "bleeping dreadful, darling. ONE!"

Shirley: "It's never too early! For an exit from Shirley! 2!"

Motsi: "I have no idea what that was meant to mean, my sweet. You tried, so I can give you one."

Anton: "Haha! Marvellous! 10!"

Sunday Results Show

Tess: "So we are down to a dance off between Jack and Aljaz doing street/commercial to "Food, Glorious Food" and someone off Love Island and Amy doing a Viennese Waltz to "Industry Baby" will our first couple please take to the floor?"

[dances happen]

Tess: "Our dancers have done all they can. I just need to ask our judges who they want to save tonight"

Craig: "well, I hated one a lot less than the other, darlings. for me, it's the one off Love Island and Amy"

Motsi: "Jack, I loved your high energy, but I have to vote with my heart and save the one off Love Island and Amy

Anton: "Haha Marvellous! It's a 10 from me!"

Tess: "Shirley, you have the deciding vote. whose life will you ruin forever?"

Shirley: "Jack, your feet needed to be entirely more turned in, I don't care how long you can stand on tiptoes and for that reason I'm saving the one off Love Island and Amy."

*Jack howls, collapses to the floor, rips and tears and rents apart cans*

Aljaz breathes a sigh of relief
Click to expand...
Somehow, out of all of this brilliance, it was her calling Claudia Claud that tipped me 🤣
 
Lumpyspaceprincess said:
I’d love her to do strictly. She’d take criticism so well.

I miss my hair. But my new lumpy is really appropriate.
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It's not in any way related, but for some reason (possibly the cider at this point), this reminded me of a dream I had the other day where I accidently ruined some meat by getting it wet with water that had washing up liquid in it. While cooking for a woman (who my brain seems to have invented) who I fancied.

I don't usually subscribe to Freudian interpretations of dreams. But, well...
 
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