Jack Monroe #122 You don’t batch tweet when you’ve got a 106 fever

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CottageWitch said:
But WHY do they believe that? If BB is there then she is a grown woman, how can she not boil some potatoes and then put them in the oven? Even if she's never made a Christmas dinner before, surely she knows how to cook a potato? Or she can Google "roast potato recipe" and follow it?
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I seem to remember Jack's Enforced Cookery School involved jacket potatoes that were cooked for so long they were inedible.

She's a bleeping horror but at least she has blessed us this Slopmas Eve with a revolting layered dessert that may pass for trifle if you've only ever heard of the concept of a trifle from someone else who has only ever heard of the concept of a trifle and never seen one.
 
colouredlines said:
I was looking for a photo from the GQ shoot to compare with today's unphotoshopped look. Instead I found this! I never knew about her Bill & Ted-era Keanu Reeves phase!

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We’re well aware SHE RENTS but omg a full wall of mirrored tiles?! Can’t imagine surviving 200 units a week & a penchant for dib dabs in that disco inferno

 
NomDeGuerre said:
As it's Christmas, I've decided to get my Pam Ayres on...

"T’Was the night before Christmas, when all through the rented house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a smol mouse
The tip jar was slung on the sideboard in haste
In the hope some Patreons might soon show their face

"The household were nestled, all snug in their beds
While flashbacks to spam trifle, danced through their heads
The selfie’s been facetuned, she's washed off the slap
Now Our Jack settles down, for a dinosaur nap

"When out by the shed there was such a clatter,
With hacksaw in hand, she sees what’s the matter
But what to her wondering eyes did appear,
‘Just a dirty great puddle - and some top designer gear

“Emerging from the puddle, as quick as she could
Who else could it be, but Dame Viv Westwood?
But more were to follow, so many they came
Viv shouted and whistled, and called them by name

“Now Tebbut!, now THAT MAN,
On Rigby and Peller,
Come Traazers, on a bird (but never a fella)
Now Anchoïade, On Brenda
Come Snaffle and Squiggle
Go forth and make that tipjar jiggle

“Jack looked on fearfully, shaking her head
“ ‘My eyes must deceive me - I thought you were dead!“
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Wow, that's brilliant. What a hoot.
 
HotesTilaire said:
Pls give details/pics/report back I really fancy some (please 🔺me and deliver) it will make a nice palette cleanser in between the slopmas horror
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The first few times I did it I followed a recipe but can't remember what it is now - might have been from Jane's Patisserie, that's where most of my baking comes from.

But essentially, I soak slices of chocolate Swiss roll in a orange liqueur x orange juice mix, then layer in a bowl with chocolate custard layers and freshly whipped cream on top. I've put a few drops of orange essence/extract/fresh orange juice in the cream while it's whipping in the past and it's been spectacular. If I'm trying to impress people I make my own custard but this year I'm using tinned because who can go to the effort, but if you can be bothered it can be well worth it. Top it with artistically arranged terrys chocolate orange segments. I like to grate a bit of dark choc on top too for contrast/to cut through all the milk choc but I forgot to buy some this year oops.

When I was a young thing of 20 or so, my trifle was requested for many parties. A friend once had a dessert themed party just to make sure I'd bring one (🔺️). Then I would skip the orange juice entirely and just soak the sponges in orange liqueur, used about half a bottle plus per trifle and it was delicious but bleeping hell it was strong. Now im verging on late 20s and don't have the same constitution I used to I use a few measures of liqueur in fresh orange juice and it still has a kick but is much easier to eat and not feel like you're going to fall down imo

Will take pics tomorrow if I remember! It's going to be a strange Christmas this year but I have my health and I don't live alone, so I'm feeling lucky compared to a lot of folks out there ❤
 
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CottageWitch said:
The first few times I did it I followed a recipe but can't remember what it is now - might have been from Jane's Patisserie, that's where most of my baking comes from.

But essentially, I soak slices of chocolate Swiss roll in a orange liqueur x orange juice mix, then layer in a bowl with chocolate custard layers and freshly whipped cream on top. I've put a few drops of orange essence/extract/fresh orange juice in the cream while it's whipping in the past and it's been spectacular. If I'm trying to impress people I make my own custard but this year I'm using tinned because who can go to the effort, but if you can be bothered it can be well worth it. Top it with artistically arranged terrys chocolate orange segments. I like to grate a bit of dark choc on top too for contrast/to cut through all the milk choc but I forgot to buy some this year oops.

When I was a young thing of 20 or so, my trifle was requested for many parties. A friend once had a dessert themed party just to make sure I'd bring one. Then I would skip the orange juice entirely and just soak the sponges in orange liqueur, used about half a bottle plus per trifle and it was delicious but bleeping hell it was strong. Now im verging on late 20s and don't have the same constitution I used to I use a few measures of liqueur in fresh orange juice and it still has a kick but is much easier to eat and not feel like you're going to fall down imo

Will take pics tomorrow if I remember! It's going to be a strange Christmas this year but I have my health and I don't live alone, so I'm feeling lucky compared to a lot of folks out there ❤
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That sounds truly outstanding, and when normal socialising time comes round I should warn you I have every intention of purloining the recipe.

 
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xmas cancel.png

So 49m ago when squiggle agrees with her she definitely implies those words have exited her face hole, but 12m later when a different squiggle disagrees she hasn't actually done it.
 
CottageWitch said:
But WHY do they believe that? If BB is there then she is a grown woman, how can she not boil some potatoes and then put them in the oven? Even if she's never made a Christmas dinner before, surely she knows how to cook a potato? Or she can Google "roast potato recipe" and follow it? And Jack is a cook, how can she not have done some cooking with her son? I'm not suggesting she let's him round boiling fat and naked flames at 10 but surely he can do some prep? Surely he knows how food gets on the table? If not then that's her fault isn't it, for not actually teaching him?
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She’s also waffled on about BB buying expensive food previously so is she also expecting the squiggles to believe BB wouldn’t know anyone who could doorstep drop (or deliveroo/uber eats) some supermarket prepped roasties or even frozen if it truly was that dire?
 
Just briefly popping back, as Mrs. Bellend has updated me...cancelling Christmas for your only child?! Wtf?? Ffs. Listen, our 3 have all been through nightmare shitbag stages at various ages around Christmas, but we would never, EVER threaten that. What a terrible person she is 😞 And over and out from me. I’m off to eat my bodyweight in stinky cheese, mince pies, carrots and whisky that the youngest has left out. Hey, robbing Santa is fair game according to Mack, no?! 😘
 
Marwood said:
That sounds truly outstanding, and when normal socialising time come round I should warn you I have every intention of purloining the recipe.

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Can highly recommend it for any and all socialising needs! So little effort required (especially if you're not making the Swiss roll and custard yourself) but gets lots of oohs and ahhs. Also tastes just as good with just orange juice if you're catering for alcohol free folks. It's one of my favourite desserts of all time, and really the only trifle I tend to eat!
 
Maybe I am alone here but if I was ill there is no way my family would be getting Christmas dinner made by me. If I absolutely had to cook (ie there were no other adults within a hundred miles radius and no restaurants doing deliveries) it would be fresh fish from the delivery that's just been received, and it would be simple and lovely. I know she's lying but I can't stand people who martyr themselves like this and then blame everyone else.

ETA: she's obviously fine so she needs to STFU and stop the cringey performative martyrdom.
 
CottageWitch said:
The first few times I did it I followed a recipe but can't remember what it is now - might have been from Jane's Patisserie, that's where most of my baking comes from.

But essentially, I soak slices of chocolate Swiss roll in a orange liqueur x orange juice mix, then layer in a bowl with chocolate custard layers and freshly whipped cream on top. I've put a few drops of orange essence/extract/fresh orange juice in the cream while it's whipping in the past and it's been spectacular. If I'm trying to impress people I make my own custard but this year I'm using tinned because who can go to the effort, but if you can be bothered it can be well worth it. Top it with artistically arranged terrys chocolate orange segments. I like to grate a bit of dark choc on top too for contrast/to cut through all the milk choc but I forgot to buy some
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I will, without doubt be making this at the earliest opportunity! Thank you 😊
 
Mel Donte said:
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On October 27th SB could use a mandolin unsupervised. On December 24th he can't peel a potato.
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I just have the mental pic of her stood over him, while he’s doing a perfectly fine job peeling, criticising his every move and complaining he’s not doing it in a way to conducive to photographs... until he tells her to F off and peel her own potatoes.
 
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