Jack Monroe #121 Fahrenheit 106

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  1. ‘Laying about sick’, there was a brief introduction to Toothbrush Jack.
  2. Despite spending three days in a ‘slightly hallucinogenic fever’, she rallied and posted individual recipes for that dreaded Christmas dinner. ‘For you.’
  3. It’s amazing what someone in bed with covid and a ‘temperature fluctuating between 103 and 106’ can do.
  4. That hallowed moment arrived. The results of @Switchstreetz ’s Sloppies were announced. Nice work, Switch. Expect a bunch of shop-soiled celery to arrive sometime after Christmas.
  5. She asked for guidance in shared parenting agreements in Tier 4.
  6. ‘So who wants a one-tray Christmas menu for one or two people then?’ No-one, Jack.
  7. But she was ‘just trying to be helpful’. Nope. Still no-one.
  8. ‘Me again.’ Please engage with me, I have the corona.
  9. [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

    *** JACKISMS ***

    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

    Yes, absolutely x

    Some other favourite Jack quotes:

    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’

    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

    *****

    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

    Also:
    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
    [*]
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
    [*][*]
 
you know i've never managed to sit through the Stand by Me video until now...i always assumed she was singing stand by me from the film, not an Oasis song! i still couldn't sit through the entire thing but i love that the singing videos pop up every few months. They truly show Jack at her most delusional and sociopathic.
 
blurstoftimes said:
you know i've never managed to sit through the Stand by Me video until now...i always assumed she was singing stand by me from the film, not an Oasis song! i still couldn't sit through the entire thing but i love that the singing videos pop up every few months. They truly show Jack at her most delusional and sociopathic.
Click to expand...
Have you seen the one-handed piano abuse? Piano is not her forte (🥁)
 
Covid era Jack has gained a decent number of new followers.

Screenshot_20201220-202123_Opera.jpg
 
BeautifulTrauma said:
Has anyone got the video of her playing piano? And the Oasis one?

I’ve tried YouTube to no success, I’ve avoided the videos before for the second hand embarrassment factor but I’m prepared to accidentally on purpose conquer my fears tonight 💪. One at a time.
Click to expand...
Here’s the Oasis one...
Enjoy?




Edited to add, @Minky McMoneypenny @Pocahontas @Flivver thankSPACEyou all for respectively starting the thread, the hilarious recap, and perfect thread title! 🥳
 
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Sideboard Bob said:
Here’s the Oasis one...
Enjoy?

Click to expand...


Nah. I can’t deal. It took till five minutes in for her to sing and it’s just so quivery and not at all how the song is meant to sound? She seems to think she can hold a note really well, and I’m tone deaf and can tell she can’t. But that’s the narcissism in her, she thinks she’s bleeping Britney or something. It’s terrible, and literally all the emotion is fake.
 
BeautifulTrauma said:
Nah. I can’t deal. It took till five minutes in for her to sing and it’s just so quivery and not at all how the song is meant to sound? She seems to think she can hold a note really well, and I’m tone deaf and can tell she can’t. But that’s the narcissism in her, she thinks she’s bleeping Britney or something. It’s terrible, and literally all the emotion is fake.
Click to expand...

You‘re braver than me, I still refuse to watch! @Marmalade Atkins has come through with the piano classics! Will you dare to try and watch them?!
 
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