I've used my computer hacking skills AGAIN and have managed to steal ANOTHER chapter from Alice's forthcoming self-published book,
"He Left Me For A Bogan".
View attachment 2662570 q
Chapter 15 – "Dupee and Display"
Life is so short and we never know what’s going to happen. Love trumps hate. Which is why I’ve spent the last three years waging war against Ioan, and latterly, the bogan.
I muse on this during my drive to Manhattan Beach, where I must go because the my narc ex, his EVIL lawyers and the CORRUPT judge have ordered me to see a forensic psychiatrist, Dr Dupee.
This is my third visit to see Dr Dupee. She might be triple-board certified, whatever that means, but I’m sure she’s not as intelligent as me. Because I am THE smartest person in the room.
I park my car, but I don’t pay for a ticket. Tickets are for common people like accountants and secretaries. Not international models and actresses like me.
I park where I want.
I park when I want.
NOBODY is going to stop me.
My appointment with Dr Dupee begins. My eyes glaze over as she starts to talk about something or the other. I put on my best wide-eyed ingenue expression, and start talking in the ‘baby’ talk voice that Ioan USED to love, until a bogan with a kinetic
[redacted] bewitched him and stole him away from me.
My appointment is finally over, and I’m certain my facial expressions and baby voice fooled Dr Dupee. I am a seasoned actress and I can fool EVERYBODY if I want to. Dr Dupee is from the same place as the bogan is from, Brisbane. So far, my international network of Twitter supporters have not been able to uncover a connection between the two, but I will be keeping a close eye on this.
I walk back to my car, and notice a large inflatable Grinch dressed as Santa Claus in somebody’s front yard. I chuckle to myself. It provided some wonderful content for my Instagram a couple of weeks ago.
OMG! There’s a man hovering by my Prius. What does he want? As I get closer, I see he’s a parking enforcement officer.
“What the HELL are you doing?” I shout sweetly.
“Ma’am, you have parked here, but you do not have a ticket. I therefore need to issue you with a penalty”.
Jesus
bleeping Christ. No no no, I am NOT going to be given a parking fine for simply parking where I deserve. Thank goodness I’m wearing my Special Arguing Coat. It provides me with protection against bullies and narcs. It imbues me with the courage and fearlessness to fight all the injustices that happen to me. It helps me to be kind and to trump hate with love.
“I have a sick child in the car!” I exclaim.
“Ma’am, there’s nobody in your car. Except maybe a rat, as I can see what looks like droppings and a chewed-up Cheestring wrapper,” he says.
duck! That’s my usual excuse thrown out of the window. I forgot Gloria was looking after my babies again. What can I use instead?
“My husband left me for a bogan…”
The parking enforcement officer looks surprised, and a little embarrassed.
“…and I’m 50-80% bed bound”.
“I’m very sorry to hear that ma’am, and you have my sympathies, but I am still going to have to issue you with the penalty,” he says.
What the
duck. What the
duck. How dare he patronize me by saying "sorry", and that I have his sympathies? I have a flashback to the asinine "thank you" thing Ioan learned from his mother.
“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR TINY MIND?!” I say calmly.
“No ma’am, I am not out of my tiny mind. I need you to calm down," he says.
Nobody has ever seen me be unkind to a person unprovoked. Because I’ve never ever done it. Not in my entire life.
“Don’t you
bleeping DARE tell me what to do!” I say serenely, while stomping up closer the officer so I can get a better look at him.
“Ma’am, please do not come any closer to me,” he says in a panicked voice. I am not sure why he feels he needs to use that tone of voice with me. People who provoke others deserve to get shouted at.
“
bleeping rip up that ticket now, or I will RAISE HELL!” I say, in a tranquil manner.
At this point, for some unfathomable reason, he gets out his iPhone 11 (
crap model, the iPhone 15 Pro Max is where it’s at, or whatever the latest iPhone model is that Apple have released by the time this book is printed) and starts filming me. This shatters my cool and collected demeanour.
“How DARE you film me! Have you lost your
bleeping mind?”
As I shout at the officer, because I only abuse people who deserve it, I wonder - is this going to be on TMZ later? I hope so, as it will provide a wonderful bonding experience for me and my babies to read about ANOTHER automobile incident I’m involved in. I am very proud of the existing video on TMZ and so are my kids. They ask to see it again and again.
Everybody knows I am the best mother in the world. I have done everything I can to do right by those two amazing girls. They don't need a father; they don't need any uncles or aunts (apart from ONE uncle on my side); they don't need grandparents. They don't need a private life away from the tabloids. All they need is ME, and my zany antics. They have such fun with me, like the shenanigans that happen when I drive them places. With Ioan, they don't have had any fun when he drives, because he goes silent so he can "concentrate on his driving". What kind of a parent does that? A boring parent, that's who.
.
