Incest

1
justheretoread99 said:
Wether it is children or people his own age group he is still a dangerous individual.

OP - I hope you’re ok and are getting support with this.
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Of course he is, I never said he wasn't,

OP can only report on what he has done to them. she cannot say what he has done to others unless they are ok with that. If she is concerned for children that is a different matter.
 
Forget about what your family thinks.. They sound like no loss to you.

Sometimes it only takes one person to say something and all sorts will snowball out, he’s probably likely to have indecent images of children on his phone/computers and you can only hope he hasn’t abused his own kids. You can’t turn a blind eye - think of his kids if nothing else. You could be saving them from hell at home.
 
Space ❤️ many other posters have given some really good advice on here, I totally understand how torn you are at the moment. We don't know if he has done anything to his children or the children at his school, but there are so many red flags here. Even if his interest is in teenage girls not small children, what if a student in Year 11 is placed on work experience in his school or something? Someone said that Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility, and that is true.

And what happened with your sister, even if she was one day under 16 and he was 16 or over, is still statutory rape. Under 16's cannot consent by law.

What you could do is make an appointment in confidence to speak to the Safeguarding Officer at the school he works in. They will also have a designated Governor in overall charge of Safeguarding. Tell them everything, they will be able to advise you who to contact first, they will have the right Police contacts and SS contacts. You have to do this lovely, I think you know that. Xx
 
Thank(space)you said:
I'm going to lose my family over this. My sister has been convinced to not go to the police and to just encourage my brother to get therapy. She doesn't want his wife to find out. I know I need to tell the police but everyone is going to hate me.
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Honestly I am so sorry for this. What a horrible position to be in Thank(space) you.
I really feel for you, lots of others have offered advice and we are all here for you. ❤

Do you have for example access to a therapist or someone that you can talk to?
I think that would be beneficial?
Your needs, thoughts, and feelings are important, they matter, maybe too much is being asked of you, to solve other people's problems, or you are feeling conflicted? (Forgive me, if I,m wrong in my assumption)
Yes you are all connected and whatever you do or don't do will have an impact, but what is best for you?

If you don't feel safe for example in the presence of your brother (no boundaries, past abusive behaviour) then that is reason enough to speak to someone? Could be anyone....just to get the ball rolling....therapist, doctor, the police, Samaritans,services that deal with survivors of sexual abuse could be a good start as well?
You have been gaslit really imo. Maybe your family are closing rank, gathering together for self protection, families can be strange beasts... survival of the fittest (fascist!)! Sometimes?
Unfortunately if your brother doesn't admit what he did, then your parents don't have to admit it either and the family chain of secrets continues...?
I have had to deal with sexually abusive people in my husband's family, when, my father in law tried to rape me and I caused havoc apparently :rolleyes: because I dared to tell people!
I was also dissuaded from going to the police, it would cause a scandal etc etc ...which to my regret I consented to! Yeah you can't win sometimes, yet in the meantime the perpetrators get away with it, and the victims suffer....The irony being that we feel guilt, they don't!
What I remember is this......the family is divided I can't change that...(I didn't cause that!)...and they were angry and humiliated, but I stood up and rejected them!
I thought of my children (my real family) and do I want them to grow up, surrounded by abusers?
The answer was clear ....no!
Whatever your answer is, is right for you?
Get some head space back, breathe focus on you, ask yourself what's best for you.
That's because only you, can decide what's right for you, (others can only offer support) only you can decide what boundaries to put in place, and only you can decide what or who do you want in your life?
Whatever decision you make do it from a place of self love,(as hard as that can seem sometimes) not from fear because fear distorts things and fear makes us close down and not access help.(I have been there).

You might lose them for example but the important thing is to not lose your sense of yourself!
We can only give so much to others, or have it taken before it reaches its limit? Enough is enough?
Your life matters, so do your feelings and so does your decision whatever form it takes. Even if others don't approve of it? Just do what's right for you.
Sending love ❤️ and best wishes.

Edit to add ...I know the fear of losing family, hits hard, so can the anxiety, mixed emotions (sometimes contradictory) and sense of grief...and like @Purrrrrrr wrote so eloquently sometimes when we don't believe we are worthy of help, sometimes we don't get it? My gut feeling is that you have passed that? You know you deserve better I think?

Support is available for you, wherever you choose to access it, I believe that you want to do the right thing (whatever that is)....you have a sense of right and wrong (unlike some others) and your motivation and intention is absolutely right (to deal with the past).
If you need to do it that's reason enough.
Good luck and best wishes for everything ❤️.
 
Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes said:
I don't agree with that. What we need to do is treat these people that have this compulsion and prevent them for acting on it and abusing children in the first place. Surely that's a better solution than simply allowing children to continue to be abused and just locking up the abusers after it's happened.
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There isn't any rehabilitation for this type of crime. No magic solution which would stop people acting on this. Its the world we live in. I would quite happily agree to letting people who commit these crimes be sentenced to death. Why should our tax fund them?
OP, sending all my love to you.
 
37BBL said:
There isn't any rehabilitation for this type of crime. No magic solution which would stop people acting on this. Its the world we live in. I would quite happily agree to letting people who commit these crimes be sentenced to death. Why should our tax fund them?
OP, sending all my love to you.
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I can't subscribe to this defeatist and reactionary attitude. I'm sorry and I don't mean to be inflammatory as I'm sure your heart is in the right place but what you are saying is that you're prepared to let children continue to be abused without even trying to do something to stop it. Come on, we can do better than that. Punish the perpetrators no question but let's try and do something to stop it happening in the first place!
 
There are some documentaries made in the US based on the theory you can cure/prevent this kind of depraved thinking. They tried therapies, medication and surgery including castration. There were support groups for those who knew they were attracted to children and had not acted on it. Sadly nothing worked. Even castration did not work. The scientists came to the conclusion that peaodophilla is akin to a sexual orientation and cannot be changed. Unfortunately most went on to offend and noone has the answer as to how to change their preference or stop them acting on it.

They determined that neurons in the brain that are formed when the baby is growing in the womb determine this orientation. It is not something they can change or "help" about themselves. It's about stopping them offending. Which is near impossible.
 
Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes said:
I can't subscribe to this defeatist and reactionary attitude. I'm sorry and I don't mean to be inflammatory as I'm sure your heart is in the right place but what you are saying is that you're prepared to let children continue to be abused without even trying to do something to stop it. Come on, we can do better than that. Punish the perpetrators no question but let's try and do something to stop it happening in the first place!
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I work in child protection and have done for 14 years, of course I am not prepared to let children be abused. What I am saying is though, people who commit these crimes cannot be rehabilitated.
 
37BBL said:
I work in child protection and have done for 14 years, of course I am not prepared to let children be abused. What I am saying is though, people who commit these crimes cannot be rehabilitated.
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You are talking about something that clearly affects you and which you have strong feelings about which is very different from the OP's situation. Perhaps start a thread in Off Topic?

Sorry, I'm not trying to moderate but want @Thank(space)you to know that this is a safe and non-judgmental place to pop back to if she wants. She's not responsible for her brother's behaviour or the consequences.
 
@Thank(space)you

I hope you are ok. Truly. From the bottom of my heart.
I want to share my experience with going to police.
I was sexually assaulted by a family member this year. When everybody had found out, all of the women in my family blamed it on me. Blamed it on the alcohol, blamed it on me being too friendly, said I needed to be more careful etc. I know it is not the same as this was directly my experience however I was discouraged by my whole family to not go to the police. I am the youngest person in my family and although I am not underage, the thought of him having children and doing the same thing to them sickened me and I would never ever ever be able to live with myself if I had done nothing. I would have forever worried about whether or not he would’ve hurt those children. That is what drove me to the police.

I had the same thing from everybody - you will ruin his career, you will ruin our family reputation, you will ruin his life etc. What destroyed me the most is that my family knew he did this, and wanted him to get away with it. They chose somebody married into our family over their own child. My whole family turned on me except for two (my dad and older sibling) but even they made it difficult; my life was hell for at least two months straight but I knew I would’ve got through it no matter what, and I want you to know that you will get through this too. I reported it to the police exactly two weeks after it happened although I wish I had gone as soon as it happened. You may feel this way too. Somebody on this thread said the day you report it is the beginning of your life and it’s true. I reported it and started therapy to move past what my family have and had put me through at that time. Ultimately, it is your decision but please think about the lives that can be ruined in the process. I understand it is not the same but I too was completely discouraged from going to the police. Do not let them discourage you from going. You do not need or want to have people like that around you and it is so important to recognise that.
Please reach out to any organisations, therapy on the NHS etc. Thenpolice work with a number of charities that are trained to deal with these things. Please utilise them.

Please don’t reply to this with regards to what is said above - I do not want to derail this thread, I simply wanted to give some insight and share that it does get better.
 
xx3221 said:
@Thank(space)you

I hope you are ok. Truly. From the bottom of my heart.
I want to share my experience with going to police.
I was sexually assaulted by a family member this year. When everybody had found out, all of the women in my family blamed it on me. Blamed it on the alcohol, blamed it on me being too friendly, said I needed to be more careful etc. I know it is not the same as this was directly my experience however I was discouraged by my whole family to not go to the police. I am the youngest person in my family and although I am not underage, the thought of him having children and doing the same thing to them sickened me and I would never ever ever be able to live with myself if I had done nothing. I would have forever worried about whether or not he would’ve hurt those children. That is what drove me to the police.

I had the same thing from everybody - you will ruin his career, you will ruin our family reputation, you will ruin his life etc. What destroyed me the most is that my family knew he did this, and wanted him to get away with it. They chose somebody married into our family over their own child. My whole family turned on me except for two (my dad and older sibling) but even they made it difficult; my life was hell for at least two months straight but I knew I would’ve got through it no matter what, and I want you to know that you will get through this too. I reported it to the police exactly two weeks after it happened although I wish I had gone as soon as it happened. You may feel this way too. Somebody on this thread said the day you report it is the beginning of your life and it’s true. I reported it and started therapy to move past what my family have and had put me through at that time. Ultimately, it is your decision but please think about the lives that can be ruined in the process. I understand it is not the same but I too was completely discouraged from going to the police. Do not let them discourage you from going. You do not need or want to have people like that around you and it is so important to recognise that.
Please reach out to any organisations, therapy on the NHS etc. Thenpolice work with a number of charities that are trained to deal with these things. Please utilise them.

Please don’t reply to this with regards to what is said above - I do not want to derail this thread, I simply wanted to give some insight and share that it does get better.
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I hope this doesn’t come across as cheesy/patronising but you are so incredibly brave going to the Police. Predators depend on people keeping their dirty secret for them.

It’s such a personal thing though and I totally get not going to the Police too - I didn’t until I was a lot older. I was 11 when it first started and my dad had been ill for a number of years by this point and my brother told me that if I told anyone it would kill my dad. Typical abuser behaviour but I believed him.

I would always encourage people to go to the police because I wasted a lot of years carrying around guilt for something I wasn’t responsible for and reporting it to the police was day one of a new chapter in my life, even though he was never prosecuted.

Again I hope this comes across how I mean it but I really appreciate people sharing their experiences ❤️
 
xx3221 said:
@Thank(space)you

I hope you are ok. Truly. From the bottom of my heart.
I want to share my experience with going to police.
I was sexually assaulted by a family member this year. When everybody had found out, all of the women in my family blamed it on me. Blamed it on the alcohol, blamed it on me being too friendly, said I needed to be more careful etc. I know it is not the same as this was directly my experience however I was discouraged by my whole family to not go to the police. I am the youngest person in my family and although I am not underage, the thought of him having children and doing the same thing to them sickened me and I would never ever ever be able to live with myself if I had done nothing. I would have forever worried about whether or not he would’ve hurt those children. That is what drove me to the police.

I had the same thing from everybody - you will ruin his career, you will ruin our family reputation, you will ruin his life etc. What destroyed me the most is that my family knew he did this, and wanted him to get away with it. They chose somebody married into our family over their own child. My whole family turned on me except for two (my dad and older sibling) but even they made it difficult; my life was hell for at least two months straight but I knew I would’ve got through it no matter what, and I want you to know that you will get through this too. I reported it to the police exactly two weeks after it happened although I wish I had gone as soon as it happened. You may feel this way too. Somebody on this thread said the day you report it is the beginning of your life and it’s true. I reported it and started therapy to move past what my family have and had put me through at that time. Ultimately, it is your decision but please think about the lives that can be ruined in the process. I understand it is not the same but I too was completely discouraged from going to the police. Do not let them discourage you from going. You do not need or want to have people like that around you and it is so important to recognise that.
Please reach out to any organisations, therapy on the NHS etc. Thenpolice work with a number of charities that are trained to deal with these things. Please utilise them.

Please don’t reply to this with regards to what is said above - I do not want to derail this thread, I simply wanted to give some insight and share that it does get better.
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Oh poppet, the biggest warmest hug to you across the internet. You are such a brave girl ♥💕💞
 
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