Eating disorders- Advice & support
- Thread starter squatternutbosh
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Just having a nose
Chatty Member
I unfortunately cannot provide many words of wisdom as I myself could’ve written your post. I just want you to know you are not alone. This is a very hard and triggering time of year. Try to give yourself grace although I know it’s easier said than done. Take care of yourself my love
Just having a nose
Chatty Member
So this week I stopped breastfeeding. That was my safety net which would stop me from restricting again. Although I continued to binge/purge I forced myself to eat because I needed to feed the baby with nutrient dense milk. Now I’ve stopped and it’s so incredibly hard to stop the habits creeping back in. I figured, this is the best time for me to stop breastfeeding as I’m under the care of the adult eating disorder team and I can get help. The issue is, during my last therapy session she basically told me I’m not ready for proper CBT. Too much of what I’m saying in these appointments is raising red flags. I’m worried now that if I tell her that restriction has reared its ugly head again in conjunction with purging she will no longer offer me treatment as she will deem me not committed enough to changing my habits as I have voiced concern about giving up control. A very good friend of mine came to visit me today. We sat and drank tea and I got out the Christmas biscuits. She has a fantastic relationship with food and she sat and ate 7 biscuits (I know because I was counting) and I felt a huge pang of jealousy at how she could sit and enjoy biscuits without even a shred of guilt or need to purge. I want to get better. I cannot imagine a life where I am controlled by this illness indefinitely and yet I feel as though the therapist is giving up on me before I’ve even started.
Has she actually said she is going to discharge you as you're "not ready for therapy" or is it more a matter of helping you to get to the stage where you are mentally able to cope with the challenges of CBT?
Did you want to give up breastfeeding completely? Did your baby decide for you? Is it such a bad "safety net" if it keeps you safe over the particularly challenging Xmas period?
Did you want to give up breastfeeding completely? Did your baby decide for you? Is it such a bad "safety net" if it keeps you safe over the particularly challenging Xmas period?
Just having a nose
Chatty Member
I have an appointment today so I’m going to clarify what she meant by that. During our last appointment I was really honest and said part of me thinks I’m not ready for treatment and she said that if I’m not ready the treatment may not be effective and perhaps I should come back to it when I am. The thing is, it’s almost as if the ED is controlling those thoughts because the rational part of my brain is like yep it’s time to get better but the ED part is like nope this is your life don’t give up control. I’m hoping she will keep seeing me and assess my readiness continually. However she has definitely decided no to CBT for now.
It was more my baby decided a few weeks ago really, however I was being a bit selfish and trying to peruse it as I just knew that the restriction would follow when I stopped which it has. This week has been my worst week for a while actually and you’re right, this is a particularly challenging time of year. The anxiety for Christmas Day at my mums house is taking over my mind. so I guess it was quite bad timing. I know there’s no magic cure, it takes time and effort to get better but it’s just draining. Thank you for your response
I hope you got some clarity today...
It's not a question of being "ready" for treatment imo. Who is when push comes to shove? It's far from being a straightforward standard package of recovery therapy, boxes ticked followed by discharge etc..The mental mind games of ED v recovery therapy are immense and complex. Of course part of you will be terrified and resistant to the idea of change and loosening control. That's normal with an entrenched ED.
Christmas is enough to make any of us a lot more focused on their ED. It's not the best time to analyse how "committed" you are to recovery because you're on survival mode to get through the "festive" challenges.
Enjoy your baby and don't be too hard on yourself or make important decisions right now? You're not on a conveyor belt with this therapist and if you feel you are, maybe you should consider other options?
It's not a question of being "ready" for treatment imo. Who is when push comes to shove? It's far from being a straightforward standard package of recovery therapy, boxes ticked followed by discharge etc..The mental mind games of ED v recovery therapy are immense and complex. Of course part of you will be terrified and resistant to the idea of change and loosening control. That's normal with an entrenched ED.
Christmas is enough to make any of us a lot more focused on their ED. It's not the best time to analyse how "committed" you are to recovery because you're on survival mode to get through the "festive" challenges.
Enjoy your baby and don't be too hard on yourself or make important decisions right now? You're not on a conveyor belt with this therapist and if you feel you are, maybe you should consider other options?
Just having a nose
Chatty Member
You’re so right. I’ve been beating myself up for not feeling ‘ready’ but I’ve had this since I was 11. I’m 30 now so I’ve never known any different. It took so much to even reach out in the first place. I’m trying to look at the small wins. The therapy session on Friday has left me feeling quite down and depressed if I’m honest. I really like my therapist I think we get on well and I suppose it’s only normal to feel low afterwards. I did feel this week i had let her down a bit, like she felt I’d not put much effort in. Also, I discussed some of my childhood and diets and rituals my mum would make me do and she told me that that was abuse. I feel so low about it because, I had never even thought about it in that way. I would never consider myself abused as a child but I suppose she’s right in a way. I’m going to just survive the next week and really try and put some proper effort in after Christmas. Thank you for your reply. Wishing you a very merry Christmas.
I'd say you've already put in a significant amount of effort by asking for help. what is "proper" effort anyway? Just getting through the day must be an effort?
I think you are putting yourself under tremendous pressure by going to your mum's for Xmas in view of how she has controlled your food intake as a child and left you with this legacy of fear and guilt around food. I'm not sure I would call it abuse as maybe she had issues herself and couldn't help herself? Please don't be sad..You have your lovely baby and sound like a great mum yourself. It's so hard to stay mentally strong when you're ruminating about the past.
Take each day as it comes and get through Xmas. Be honest with your therapist about how you are feeling and don't expect too much of yourself? Our small steps all count and they are far from small.
I hope you have a manageable and happy Christmas. I think you are very brave.