zetta buttons
VIP Member
Quoting myself because today has already gone. Had a huge row, tried to pull it round. Honestly.
We’ve made up, had a shower and coffee going out to the only open place to get cherry Pepsi max.
Is all of this worth it?
Eating disorders- Advice & support
- Thread starter squatternutbosh
- Start date
1
We’ve made up, had a shower and coffee going out to the only open place to get cherry Pepsi max.
Is all of this worth it?
Sideboard Bob
VIP Member
This book helped me when I was getting therapy for bulimia. I really hope it can help you too
Reading Well - The Reading Agency
What is Reading Well? Reading Well supports you to understand and manage your health and wellbeing using helpful reading. Reading...
zetta buttons
VIP Member
Why am I back here again.
I feel like such a bleeping hypocrite. I post stuff on other threads about how damaging their feeds are yet, here I am about to restrict after having an almighty binge last night because work was stressful, I hadn’t eaten all day again and I can’t see my ribs to the required amount in the mirror.
My mother has been really ill and she told me what she weighed when she came home from hospital and how hard she was trying to put on weight. The thing is, at my most ill, I weighed less than that but only my wife knew because I wore huge clothes. She’s going on about how light she is but I’m irrationally getting angry because she was never worried when I was that ill (I know because she told me a similar thing when I was depressed). If I told her I was that small she would come back with “well you chose not to eat and to run all the time”
I desperately want to be that thin again. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I feel like a failure that I can’t restrict or run/exercise like I used to. I know that it ruined my relationship and our lives but I do. Was I happy? duck no. Do I want to look like all these people I call out on here. Absolutely.
I don’t know where to go. My wife has started a huge new job, I’m taking on extra paid to help her. I cannot burden her.
I feel like such a bleeping hypocrite. I post stuff on other threads about how damaging their feeds are yet, here I am about to restrict after having an almighty binge last night because work was stressful, I hadn’t eaten all day again and I can’t see my ribs to the required amount in the mirror.
My mother has been really ill and she told me what she weighed when she came home from hospital and how hard she was trying to put on weight. The thing is, at my most ill, I weighed less than that but only my wife knew because I wore huge clothes. She’s going on about how light she is but I’m irrationally getting angry because she was never worried when I was that ill (I know because she told me a similar thing when I was depressed). If I told her I was that small she would come back with “well you chose not to eat and to run all the time”
I desperately want to be that thin again. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I feel like a failure that I can’t restrict or run/exercise like I used to. I know that it ruined my relationship and our lives but I do. Was I happy? duck no. Do I want to look like all these people I call out on here. Absolutely.
I don’t know where to go. My wife has started a huge new job, I’m taking on extra paid to help her. I cannot burden her.
Apologies.
MochiRocket
Member
Hi. My 19 year old daughter is in the grip of an evil eating disorder. She’s been off work since October. She’s painfully thin and painfully low. We are on the waiting list for specialist help on the NHS. Any advice on how best to help her would be much appreciated.
I’m trying to learn as much as I can about eating disorders to try to get a better understanding of what to say, and more importantly, what not to say. We are improving her calorie intake week by week, she was on 300 a day last summer. Now she is up to 1,050, but my goodness it’s a struggle for her.
Thank you
I’m trying to learn as much as I can about eating disorders to try to get a better understanding of what to say, and more importantly, what not to say. We are improving her calorie intake week by week, she was on 300 a day last summer. Now she is up to 1,050, but my goodness it’s a struggle for her.
Thank you
zetta buttons
VIP Member
Firstly, being there for her is the main thing and it seems that you are so . I am so sorry that you and her are going through this.
One thing I have found is that some people (who are normally brilliant around MH issues), seem to think that because eating is an essential behaviour we are choosing to partake in these behaviours because they cannot visualise why one would deliberately not eat (or choose to spend all of our lives ruminating over food or choose to deliberately eat the lowest calorie option even if it isn’t liked). Just like people with depression can’t choose their maladaptive depressive thoughts, people with ED can’t choose how to eat (either via restriction or bingeing). When she isn’t eating or she spends time before or after a meal (maybe adding calories), that isn’t her wanting to do that.
Even my very understanding and tolerant wife has lost the plot in the supermarket while I look up the calories. It’s taken tears in the aisles from both of us to show her that I don’t have control over that behaviour. (I’m not saying you will do this- but she may encounter it elsewhere).
Having taught young people with ED, I know there is hope and recovery is possible. You both can get through this together. You’ve come so far already. If you say something that isn’t right (which happens), then it’s a learning curve for both of you (like with anything in life) and you move on. I hope I haven’t spoken out of line. Thinking of you both
. I am so sorry that you and her are going through this. One thing I have found is that some people (who are normally brilliant around MH issues), seem to think that because eating is an essential behaviour we are choosing to partake in these behaviours because they cannot visualise why one would deliberately not eat (or choose to spend all of our lives ruminating over food or choose to deliberately eat the lowest calorie option even if it isn’t liked). Just like people with depression can’t choose their maladaptive depressive thoughts, people with ED can’t choose how to eat (either via restriction or bingeing). When she isn’t eating or she spends time before or after a meal (maybe adding calories), that isn’t her wanting to do that.
Even my very understanding and tolerant wife has lost the plot in the supermarket while I look up the calories. It’s taken tears in the aisles from both of us to show her that I don’t have control over that behaviour. (I’m not saying you will do this- but she may encounter it elsewhere).
Having taught young people with ED, I know there is hope and recovery is possible. You both can get through this together. You’ve come so far already. If you say something that isn’t right (which happens), then it’s a learning curve for both of you (like with anything in life) and you move on. I hope I haven’t spoken out of line. Thinking of you both
Both you and she have done incredibly well to have built on her food intake. You deserve every credit for supporting her through what must be an incredibly stressful time for everyone.
I would say from my own experience that knowledge of calorie intake is a real trigger. Hide the scales and let her be weighed when judged clinically necessary? "Don't you look well/better" may be interpreted as "you've gained weight" which may or may not be a welcome comment depending on her mood/level of depression.
She may well hate feeling monitored while eating and prefer eating on her own...Not sure what you have been advised but I would say that she needs to feel as comfortable as possible so anything goes as long as the food goes in and stays in.
I hope this helps a bit. Your daughter is doing so well as are you!
I would say from my own experience that knowledge of calorie intake is a real trigger. Hide the scales and let her be weighed when judged clinically necessary? "Don't you look well/better" may be interpreted as "you've gained weight" which may or may not be a welcome comment depending on her mood/level of depression.
She may well hate feeling monitored while eating and prefer eating on her own...Not sure what you have been advised but I would say that she needs to feel as comfortable as possible so anything goes as long as the food goes in and stays in.
I hope this helps a bit. Your daughter is doing so well as are you!
MochiRocket
Member
Thank you so so much….at work at the moment but will read and reread your words once I’m home, that all made so much sense and I’m very grateful.
---
Thank you for your kind words. It’s heartbreaking to see her so frail. I lost both my parents last year which affected her massively. Food has always been a control issue with her (she’s been a strict vegan for 6 years) but since losing her grandparents it’s become an obsession and I guess it’s the one thing in her life she can control.
I really appreciate your advice. Thank you
Last edited:
There's a fine line between "healthy eating" and EDs especially if you manage anxiety through food control Losing her grandparents so closely together must have been horrendous and would be a trigger for becoming much stricter with food intake and resistant to outside concern. You of course have had to deal with the double bereavement of your beloved parents and the severe illness of your beloved daughter...I do hope you have some decent support yourself because you certainly need it.
MochiRocket
Member
It’s certainly been a tough year for our family. Thank you for your kind words. It’s such an awful illness isn’t it.
Bringing back an old thread here. I've been doing really well for the last few months, went clothes shopping today and was feeling OK with how my body looked, baby steps.
Went for lunch and stupidly googled the calories in what I ate and was disgusted with myself for eating so much. The worst thing is I know it wasn't "that bad", but I still went for an hour walk afterwards and I'm itching to get back on my treadmill and burn more calories. I'm so annoyed at myself. I just cannot get the calories out of my head and it casts a shadow over what was a nice day. I hate it. I'm trying to push it to the back of my mind and remind myself it's OK to eat a bigger than normal lunch but it's just... Ugh. Why.
Sideboard Bob
VIP Member
Please don’t let today undermine how well you’ve been doing. I don’t mean to undermine how hard it must have been, I know how frustrating that feeling is. But the fact that you’ve been doing well for the last few months is amazing. I’m sure all of us here understand what an achievement that is.
Ah thank you
it just never leaves you does it. I'm trying to be kinder to my body, I hate adding things up and making trades in my head and all it does is bring me out of the moment. Just one of those days I need to push through.You still had the courage and determination to challenge yourself today though...despite all the mind chatter and inevitable "guilt" which an ED will provoke. Look at your success today rather than what your ED mindset will want to focus on? Your progress is really significant and today was a triumph overall!
zetta buttons
VIP Member
Just popping in here. Hope everyone is ok.
I sought advice for my crappy behaviours and about 6 weeks ago I got an email asking to book an appointment. I haven’t. Instead I went back to my safety of eating raw mushrooms and iceberg lettuce (which I did when I was at my worst). This has had an awful impact on my insides so much so that
Sorry to come on and dump gross information.
I sought advice for my crappy behaviours and about 6 weeks ago I got an email asking to book an appointment. I haven’t. Instead I went back to my safety of eating raw mushrooms and iceberg lettuce (which I did when I was at my worst). This has had an awful impact on my insides so much so that
at my second visit of the gym on Tuesday I had an accident. Yesterday I overdid it again on exercise and mushrooms and now I can’t get out of bed. I still don’t want to go to an appointment because explaining that I can eat nothing but a lettuce and 2 punnets of dirty, raw mushrooms (that I don’t clean) is mortifying. I’m also scared that years of eating highly fibrous stuff and straining has caused damage because I’ve been bleeding too . For over a month.
Sorry to come on and dump gross information.
You poor thing....You really do need to get some appropriate medical help. It's not your fault..This is a horrible disease which grips us hard and it is so difficult to stop toxic behaviours when they feel safe.
Is there anyone in your family or a trusted friend who knows what you are going through? If so could they make that appointment on your behalf and accompany you there? I know opening up about this must seem absolutely impossible but if you have the chance to see an ED expert then please please just go for it? You know you are at your worst...You don't want colitis or any other colonic issue as a result of what you are eating even though these are safe foods for you.
They will have heard it all before at the ED clinic and just want to help you get out of this pit xxx
Is there anyone in your family or a trusted friend who knows what you are going through? If so could they make that appointment on your behalf and accompany you there? I know opening up about this must seem absolutely impossible but if you have the chance to see an ED expert then please please just go for it? You know you are at your worst...You don't want colitis or any other colonic issue as a result of what you are eating even though these are safe foods for you.
They will have heard it all before at the ED clinic and just want to help you get out of this pit xxx
zetta buttons
VIP Member
Thank you so much. I know I need to contact and book, but that step seems so scary. My wife is supportive (but knows not to push), my mother not so much (she is very much from the “you are choosing not to eat” school of thought ).
As people on here will know our behaviours are damaging (eating food out of bins, eating dirty mushrooms, not eating while exercising), but they are also providing a comfort blanket. It’s hard to break the habit. Particularly after decades. It’s easy to be kind to others, give them space and allow them to heal. We just self-sabotage.
People just don’t understand because food is meant to be a joy, no? Why would anyone turn it into such a horror?
Thank you again.
As people on here will know our behaviours are damaging (eating food out of bins, eating dirty mushrooms, not eating while exercising), but they are also providing a comfort blanket. It’s hard to break the habit. Particularly after decades. It’s easy to be kind to others, give them space and allow them to heal. We just self-sabotage.
People just don’t understand because food is meant to be a joy, no? Why would anyone turn it into such a horror?
Thank you again.
When your perceived safe behaviours are entrenched it becomes far harder and more complex to "just" contact and book. It's a massive mental hurdle which lays you open to complete exposure and can feel very counter productive.
Your mother won't be able to "get" it. She'll be frustrated and intolerant because she loves you and just wants to make this go away.
What does your wife think about you seeing an ED specialist?
Your mother won't be able to "get" it. She'll be frustrated and intolerant because she loves you and just wants to make this go away.
What does your wife think about you seeing an ED specialist?