I am a survivor of CSA (ages 4 to 11) and I have a voice similar to yours on repeat in my head constantly. What could I have done differently to keep myself safe, what did that man see in me that made it okay to abuse me, why was I so worthless that no adults stopped him even though they knew what he did to other kids before he got to me. Even now as an adult there is a wall of silence around what happened to me because if anyone in the family admits what happened was wrong they may have to acknowledge there own inaction and that's uncomfortable, so the family narrative is that I'm unstable, my PTSD is because I'm somehow inferior to them, I just need to pull my socks up and get on with things, to stop being depressed and fragile.
I know this poster is probably just stirring online and thinks their being funny but the reality is people like this make me think my internal voice is right, a part of me deserved it and there is something fundamentally corrupt in my core as a person. I am in my forties now and I still carry the shame and horror of what he did to me, I was never able to have children because of how he physically damaged me, relationships are tough, life is tough, being outside is just tough due to the amount of fear I still carry, nowhere is safe.
My stomach drops whenever I read comments questioning what Nikita should have done because I have never been brave enough to speak as loudly and as determined as Nikita, and I know those same questions would be asked of me, why I didn't speak out, shout or scream to stop him. He took my voice, I'm glad Nikita has hers.