Alcoholism

[Bitofthebubbly]

@Bitofthebubbly - (lol your username is ironic! I know the clip it’s from, it’s hilarious) - that must be so hard. I think functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous as the chaotic ones whose lives are falling apart. It creeps up - at least that’s my experience. My parent was a high functioning (had a good job, paid all the bills, ran a household with tons of kids running around, had a large social circle, played the part of everyone’s favourite relative, etc) alcoholic for a long long time before the illness really took over. From my childhood, I always remember them drinking loads and I grew up accepting that as normal and didn’t question it until I was a teenager!

It reached a breaking point into my late teens and then came a major decline. Marriage breakdown, job loss, relationship strained (in some cases beyond repair). It was so gradual though, I didn’t really see it coming.

The intense or manic phase of alcoholism that came after this was sustained and I’m still surprised that they survived it. Truly — not saying that to be hyperbolic, but some of the things and situations my parent got themselves into is mind boggling.

Alcohol withdrawal IS SO DANGEROUS, it’s a really scary place to be. I just wanted to say, in spite of all that, recovery IS possible. It begins and ends with the alcoholic. Nothing will change without them choosing to live rather than die to addiction.

Also, from my experience, I had to accept that it is a disease that most people don’t choose to have in order to forgive what had gone before and move on. I’m still not 100% there but I’m in a much better place than in those dark days of feeling like this would be life forever until they died. I feel no shame now in stating there was times I wished they would die to get relief. I know that sounds harsh but it’s a the reality of it.

Sorry for rambling! Sending strength and solidarity to anyone who needs it.

Agree that functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous. I feel like my parent is a ticking time bomb from a health perspective as they also smoke pretty heavily. I also didn’t question the drinking until I was basically an adult to be honest. As a kid I thought it was just something adults did in the evenings or socially, saw them drunk a few times usually at the odd family party where I was allowed to stay up late but never saw anything too outrageous. Never really pegged the extent of my parents drinking until I was in my teens. In my late teens I used my parents drinking as an excuse to get pissed myself. I never drank every day more like once a week with friends as you tend to at that age, but it definitely influenced me when getting to grips with alcohol myself and not in the best way. I very rarely drink nowadays despite my username, didn’t actually think of the irony of it when posting on this thread lol, gotta love Le Champion

I think your situations highlights a real issue. Alcoholics are stereotyped as a certain type of person, like Onso from Keeping Up Appearances or something, a pub regular etc. The reality is very different and are found in all sections of society. My mum lives in a very affluent area, I went to a private school (not clever enough for a scholarship though!), she's driven nice cars, she had a respectable job before she gave it up to be a stay at home mum... In fact I remember telling my tutor at school and was basically told "no she's not, alcoholics don't have the money to pay our fees".


❤❤
I've totally thought the bit in bold, many times, including recently. It's always caused me inner turmoil, and actually still does to a degree, but I can perceive it differently to how I did when I first thought it at c 12.

Yes there’s definitely a stereotype isn’t there. It’s accurate for some for sure but lots of people hide their alcoholism so well or keep it behind closed doors. In fact that’s been the more common experience for me. It’s easy to play a role as such for a few hours in front of people then go home and drink a bottle of wine or two in a place you feel safe and hidden from the world and most would be non the wiser. I often find at least with my family that functioning alcoholics also tend to be total workaholics, I wonder if that’s a common theme or not.

This might sound selfish but I’m kind of dreading what’s to come, I have no siblings so I feel a lot of responsibility falls on me to deal with this if and when it boils over unless their siblings step up too. My partners sibling lives abroad and rarely visits home so he’s on his own too really. It’s a lot and I don’t feel grown up enough for it despite being a fully grown adult with a family of my own.

 

[Ponponpon]

Agree that functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous. I feel like my parent is a ticking time bomb from a health perspective as they also smoke pretty heavily. I also didn’t question the drinking until I was basically an adult to be honest. As a kid I thought it was just something adults did in the evenings or socially, saw them drunk a few times usually at the odd family party where I was allowed to stay up late but never saw anything too outrageous. Never really pegged the extent of my parents drinking until I was in my teens. In my late teens I used my parents drinking as an excuse to get pissed myself. I never drank every day more like once a week with friends as you tend to at that age, but it definitely influenced me when getting to grips with alcohol myself and not in the best way. I very rarely drink nowadays despite my username, didn’t actually think of the irony of it when posting on this thread lol, gotta love Le Champion

Yes there’s definitely a stereotype isn’t there. It’s accurate for some for sure but lots of people hide their alcoholism so well or keep it behind closed doors. In fact that’s been the more common experience for me. It’s easy to play a role as such for a few hours in front of people then go home and drink a bottle of wine or two in a place you feel safe and hidden from the world and most would be non the wiser. I often find at least with my family that functioning alcoholics also tend to be total workaholics, I wonder if that’s a common theme or not.

This might sound selfish but I’m kind of dreading what’s to come, I have no siblings so I feel a lot of responsibility falls on me to deal with this if and when it boils over unless their siblings step up too. My partners sibling lives abroad and rarely visits home so he’s on his own too really. It’s a lot and I don’t feel grown up enough for it despite being a fully grown adult with a family of my own.

There's a report out there about alcoholism and drug use in high powered jobs, like politics, surgeons, corporate worlds etc. It's something to do with a) money, this availability and b) demands of the working life they lead. I've just tried to find it but I can't, but it was an interesting read I remember.

Regarding the second part - that's my thing too. I'm an only child. My mum has siblings though they're as useful as a chocolate teapot, or at least the ones she talks to are. Mum has drunkly told me on several occasions she doesn't want to be buried with dad though has never told me sober, and just how do you bring that up in casual conversation? That moral dilemma really bothers me. All these things that aren't a second thought for others.

 

[Jess1991]

My mum was an alcoholic. From about the age of 12/13 I saw her completely change from my outgoing, sociable, happy mum to someone who I didn’t even recognise. She and my dad would argue constantly, Christmases and birthdays were ruined and life was pretty awful. I would always forgive her because I knew when she was sober how lovely she was but my sister wanted nothing to do with her. She couldn’t see how it was ruining our lives and carried on despite us all willing to help her. Her and my dad split up, and my sister who’s no longer with us cut contact with her. It was just me who wanted to still have a relationship with my mum as I was only 15 and needed her. She suffered a huge stroke in 2011 and I thought that would be a wake up call after 2 weeks in hospital, but she got home and continued to drink. I slowly gave up as I had a full time job and a boyfriend and I physically didn’t have the strength to see it or go through it anymore. We lost her in 2012, I miss her dreadfully but there would never of been anything I could of done to stop her.

Sorry for the life story but I would just say from my experience to look after yourself most importantly and take care x

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I’m so sorry @Jess1991 based on your username we’re around the same age and 21/22 is no age to lose a parent. Heartbreaking. It really is such an awful thing to die from. Hope you’re doing well now!

 

[Harry]

This thread was a very hard read for me because of my personal experiences. I lost my mother to alcoholism in my late teens. She went through her life never admitting she had an issue with alcohol. She would go through periods of stopping the drink and the final time she did that her body went into shock and she died from a heart attack at just 50 years old.
Unfortunately my sibling followed suit and become dependent on alcohol also a few years after loosing our mother. She had young children and a partner but the urge to drink to numb her emotional pain was too strong. Again she never admitted she had a problem until it was too late. Was admitted to hospital and all of her organs were falling. She died very quickly because she admitted to us she had been drinking 2-3 bottles of wine per day and some days a whole bottle of spirits. I was dumbfounded you could subject your body to such abuse and loose your life ultimately. I still didn’t believe when doctors would tell me there was nothing they could do but keep her comfortable and that she was dying.
As an adult myself I find I am struggling more years later and can’t understand why. I struggle to understand the disease and feel angry. I am so anti alcohol and very rarely drink because I am scared to go the same way as my mother and sister. I never had any type of counselling or really talked it through because I think I was just in shock. But I try to be strong and do the right thing by my family but really do struggle with the flash backs and acknowledging what has happened. In my mind I tell myself it’s easier not to think about it and just move on with my life.
my heart goes out to anyone dealing with someone they care for being alcohol dependent. It is a horrible disease and leaves so many lives broken

 

[Scvee13]

My granda was an alcoholic, my parents cut ties with him when I was 11ish, he died not long after. I used to work in an acute medical ward, it baffles me that alcoholics come in to hospital, they are put on a withdrawal programme, referred to addictions and then once dry as long as no other medical issues they are discharged. Thats if they haven't signed themselves out first. Addiction is hard because until they want help you can't do anything and more often than not there's no one left to support them when they want help. My dad didn't drink because of his upbringing with an alcoholic parent.

 

[Hazel1593]

Yesterday my friend told me she is an alcoholic. She says no one else knows about it, not even her boyfriend. She drinks every night because her anxiety is so bad. In the morning she is really sick but tells those close to her that it’s due to her anxiety. She’s tried to get help- a psychiatrist told her they couldn’t help her unless she cut down on her alcohol consumption. Clearly it’s not that easier for her. I told her I’m here for her if she needs to talk but I just felt pretty useless tbh- I’m not sure what I can do to help and support her

 

[Ponponpon]

Yesterday my friend told me she is an alcoholic. She says no one else knows about it, not even her boyfriend. She drinks every night because her anxiety is so bad. In the morning she is really sick but tells those close to her that it’s due to her anxiety. She’s tried to get help- a psychiatrist told her they couldn’t help her unless she cut down on her alcohol consumption. Clearly it’s not that easier for her. I told her I’m here for her if she needs to talk but I just felt pretty useless tbh- I’m not sure what I can do to help and support her

Oh my goodness. Is the AA route an option for her? Is she able to tell her boyfriend?

 

[Jenna89]

My best friends husband is an alcoholic. He drinks every day - goes to the pub daily for pints and comes home and drinks maybe 8 cans with 8 whiskeys everyday. And he’s a very nasty drunk. Screams abuse at her, degrades her, curses at her, tells her he wants to die all the time. He won’t admit he has a problem and he’s never sober enough to have an honest heart to heart with. My friend is so depressed (diagnosed and she is seeing her doc regularly) but she’s lost so much weight and seems a shell of a person now. I don’t know what to do to help her. She won’t leave him even though I’ve offered her support and a place to stay numerous times. I try to take her out if the home for dinners or shopping days but these are the only hours of respite she gets. I fear he’ll be the death of her.
Alcoholism is just horrid for all involved.

 

[Hazel1593]

Oh my goodness. Is the AA route an option for her? Is she able to tell her boyfriend?

She never mentioned AA but I will try suggesting it to her, thanks. She feels it’s best not to tell him. Unfortunately he doesn’t take much seriously and he will likely tell her to get over it, like he did when she spoke to him about her anxiety.

 

[Ponponpon]

She never mentioned AA but I will try suggesting it to her, thanks. She feels it’s best not to tell him. Unfortunately he doesn’t take much seriously and he will likely tell her to get over it, like he did when she spoke to him about her anxiety.

He told her to "get over" her anxiety? That makes me really angry as clearly, it doesn't work like that. I hope she is able to get help, it's such a huge thing for people to admit and accept about themselves. Look after yourself too, it must be heavy for you to know that.

I want to take a big blanket around everyone here. It's actually really scary how much a legal substance has impacted us all.

 

[Hazel1593]

He told her to "get over" her anxiety? That makes me really angry as clearly, it doesn't work like that. I hope she is able to get help, it's such a huge thing for people to admit and accept about themselves. Look after yourself too, it must be heavy for you to know that.

I want to take a big blanket around everyone here. It's actually really scary how much a legal substance has impacted us all.

She’s always been a very anxious person with many issues. She has very low self esteem which means she’s settled for someone who, in my opinion, is no good for her. There just doesn’t seem to be much help available for her unfortunately and I wish I knew what I could do to help too. Thank you for your kind words x

 

[Ponponpon]

She’s always been a very anxious person with many issues. She has very low self esteem which means she’s settled for someone who, in my opinion, is no good for her. There just doesn’t seem to be much help available for her unfortunately and I wish I knew what I could do to help too. Thank you for your kind words x

I'm inclined to agree he's not good for her based on that tidbit. No one should have to hear that or have their feelings invalidated by their partner. Does your work have an employee assistance programme? They might have some help if Google is a loss x

 

[northernspaces]

Hi guys

My dad was a functioning alcoholic until I was around 14/15 when he became... unfunctioning? I’m not sure of the term. I haven’t lived with him since I was 16. I’m now in my final year of university (21) and he has relapsed really terribly after being in rehab for the first time. I had been really positive, visiting him loads, doing anything for him. Now I feel more helpless than ever.

The situations he is getting into are scarier and scarier. You all will know the jist but bad hallucinations/terrible forgetfulness/blacking out for days even when sober. Last month he phoned my mum in the early morning saying he had gotten into a fight and lifted by the police. We still don’t know if he hallucinated this or not as our local station had no info but his hands were all scraped. So terrifying as my dad has never in a million years lifted his hand to anyone and I never thought I’d see the day he could. Feels like the beginning of the end and that I am just waiting for the final call.

I know realistically it’s only him that can help himself but I still feel so guilty that I can’t help him. Just completely hopeless at this point - sorry to bring the mood down lol. Now I am just looking for people to chat to about our similar experiences because none of my friends understand and I don’t want to burden them with these crazy situations. My brother and I don’t like to speak to each other about it and if we do we end up just moody and depressed.

 

[37BBL]

Hi guys

My dad was a functioning alcoholic until I was around 14/15 when he became... unfunctioning? I’m not sure of the term. I haven’t lived with him since I was 16. I’m now in my final year of university (21) and he has relapsed really terribly after being in rehab for the first time. I had been really positive, visiting him loads, doing anything for him. Now I feel more helpless than ever.

The situations he is getting into are scarier and scarier. You all will know the jist but bad hallucinations/terrible forgetfulness/blacking out for days even when sober. Last month he phoned my mum in the early morning saying he had gotten into a fight and lifted by the police. We still don’t know if he hallucinated this or not as our local station had no info but his hands were all scraped. So terrifying as my dad has never in a million years lifted his hand to anyone and I never thought I’d see the day he could. Feels like the beginning of the end and that I am just waiting for the final call.

I know realistically it’s only him that can help himself but I still feel so guilty that I can’t help him. Just completely hopeless at this point - sorry to bring the mood down lol. Now I am just looking for people to chat to about our similar experiences because none of my friends understand and I don’t want to burden them with these crazy situations. My brother and I don’t like to speak to each other about it and if we do we end up just moody and depressed.

You don't need to apologise, we're all here to share our experiences. Personally its really helped me reading that others have gone through these things. I am the same as you in that I don’t discuss this with any friends etc.

It sounds really tough being in your situation. I say well done you for visiting your dad so often, I went the other way and just avoided my sister so I think you're really brave to do that.

I've been there with the Police pick ups, my sister was arrested countless times and bought back in some states after she had been hallucinating and walking miles to get drink. She had no recollection the next day, always very remorseful but it frustrated me as she never understood what it was like from the other side.

Im always waiting for the call that the worst has happened. Fully expect it to, even though she is apparently in recovery.

If you need to talk about your situation, then please feel free to just rant and don't worry about bringing the mood down.

I hope your dad can try and overcome this x

 

[northernspaces]

You don't need to apologise, we're all here to share our experiences. Personally its really helped me reading that others have gone through these things. I am the same as you in that I don’t discuss this with any friends etc.

It sounds really tough being in your situation. I say well done you for visiting your dad so often, I went the other way and just avoided my sister so I think you're really brave to do that.

I've been there with the Police pick ups, my sister was arrested countless times and bought back in some states after she had been hallucinating and walking miles to get drink. She had no recollection the next day, always very remorseful but it frustrated me as she never understood what it was like from the other side.

Im always waiting for the call that the worst has happened. Fully expect it to, even though she is apparently in recovery.

If you need to talk about your situation, then please feel free to just rant and don't worry about bringing the mood down.

I hope your dad can try and overcome this x

Thank you for this. I’ve never realised fully that there’s people out there who understand this too It can make you feel so isolated!

They never understand what it’s like from our perspective because addiction makes them selfish. It’s so tiring. Especially when they are supposed to be our family who support and care for us.

x

 

[Ponponpon]

Thank you for this. I’ve never realised fully that there’s people out there who understand this too It can make you feel so isolated!

They never understand what it’s like from our perspective because addiction makes them selfish. It’s so tiring. Especially when they are supposed to be our family who support and care for us.

x

If I had a £1 for every time I've been told "your mum's lovely she wouldn't do that" or equivalent, I'd be a millionaire!

 

[Raininvain]

Yesterday my friend told me she is an alcoholic. She says no one else knows about it, not even her boyfriend. She drinks every night because her anxiety is so bad. In the morning she is really sick but tells those close to her that it’s due to her anxiety. She’s tried to get help- a psychiatrist told her they couldn’t help her unless she cut down on her alcohol consumption. Clearly it’s not that easier for her. I told her I’m here for her if she needs to talk but I just felt pretty useless tbh- I’m not sure what I can do to help and support her

Tell her to go to the G.P and ask to be referred to the local drug/alcohol team for support. Or google it for your area and go down with her.X

 

[northernspaces]

If I had a £1 for every time I've been told "your mum's lovely she wouldn't do that" or equivalent, I'd be a millionaire!

Completely!! My dad used to be so loved by our entire family and well respected by his friends and colleagues. If you had told me ten years ago about who he is now I would never have believed you. It feels like there has been a death in the family - I wonder if that is common for families of alcoholics as the addiction takes over them?

 

[babbling brook]

My husband has a drinking problem. I wouldn't label him an alcoholic but given his family history of "casual" and accepted drinking, I am scared that's where he is heading. He has been dealing with depression the last few years and takes meds but refuses to see a counsellor. I don't even enjoy having a few drinks with him anymore because it brings back memories of him being drunk and questioning our relationship. His parents are useless as they drink every night and have done for as long as he can remember. The irony is he finds it very stressful being around them when they are drinking but doesn't seem to understand that's how I feel being around him sometimes. It seems lately that he can't just have a casual drink. It turns into 5 or 6 (combination of beer and spirits, which makes it even worse). Any advice for the wife of a functional, almost alcoholic?