Thank you, and sorry - this is the only place i allow myself to vent
Alcoholism
- Thread starter Ponponpon
- Start date
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GiftedNotFree
VIP Member
I’ve not read all the comments yet but will go back to read them. The bloodline on one side of my family is very addictive - my parent is an alcoholic, their sister died of an overdose, my grandparent died from alcoholism and my other aunts/uncle all have various substance abuse issues as well as shopping addiction 
it’s a lot basically!
My parent almost lost their battle with alcohol a few years ago but is luckily now in recovery and sober for 4 years. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever dealt with (and I’ve dealt with some stuff). Even now, I think I have PTSD from their drinking and the fallout from all of it. Dealing with it as it’s happening is almost too much to bear — it’s constant fear, worry, stress, panic, obsessively thinking of what they’re doing / where they are / if they’re safe as well as all the actually physical heavy lifting that’s required to actually help and support them. I really truly wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
For me, I couldn’t just cut my parent off so had to come up with ways to cope. Accepting that it’s not YOUR fault is pretty huge — I went to one AlAnon meeting but don’t think I’ve as in the right headspace for it to be beneficial. A lot of the people in the group had no recent experience of dealing with an alcoholic and were mostly people that had an alcoholic that was in long term recovery so I felt a bit alienated. Not to say they don’t have their place, but being able to cope day to day for me meant coping mechanisms that didn’t include meetings.
Working on accepting my emotions and how i felt about my parent was pivotal. I can love them but can’t change them. I can help them but can’t fix them etc. I can criticise them but still appreciate them for the person they are.
Good luck to anyone in this situation, it can be utterly horrendous.
it’s a lot basically!My parent almost lost their battle with alcohol a few years ago but is luckily now in recovery and sober for 4 years. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever dealt with (and I’ve dealt with some stuff). Even now, I think I have PTSD from their drinking and the fallout from all of it. Dealing with it as it’s happening is almost too much to bear — it’s constant fear, worry, stress, panic, obsessively thinking of what they’re doing / where they are / if they’re safe as well as all the actually physical heavy lifting that’s required to actually help and support them. I really truly wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
For me, I couldn’t just cut my parent off so had to come up with ways to cope. Accepting that it’s not YOUR fault is pretty huge — I went to one AlAnon meeting but don’t think I’ve as in the right headspace for it to be beneficial. A lot of the people in the group had no recent experience of dealing with an alcoholic and were mostly people that had an alcoholic that was in long term recovery so I felt a bit alienated. Not to say they don’t have their place, but being able to cope day to day for me meant coping mechanisms that didn’t include meetings.
Working on accepting my emotions and how i felt about my parent was pivotal. I can love them but can’t change them. I can help them but can’t fix them etc. I can criticise them but still appreciate them for the person they are.
Good luck to anyone in this situation, it can be utterly horrendous.
Missmadness
Active member
I am one.Its absolutely horrendous.Im sat in the hospital.Scratched my eye .dont know how.
The constant worry is what gets me too. Expecting a phone call that they have injured themselves, back in hospital again, back on it again, upsetting other family members, not answering messages or calls. Its exhausting. XI’ve not read all the comments yet but will go back to read them. The bloodline on one side of my family is very addictive - my parent is an alcoholic, their sister died of an overdose, my grandparent died from alcoholism and my other aunts/uncle all have various substance abuse issues as well as shopping addiction
My parent almost lost their battle with alcohol a few years ago but is luckily now in recovery and sober for 4 years. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever dealt with (and I’ve dealt with some stuff). Even now, I think I have PTSD from their drinking and the fallout from all of it. Dealing with it as it’s happening is almost too much to bear — it’s constant fear, worry, stress, panic, obsessively thinking of what they’re doing / where they are / if they’re safe as well as all the actually physical heavy lifting that’s required to actually help and support them. I really truly wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
For me, I couldn’t just cut my parent off so had to come up with ways to cope. Accepting that it’s not YOUR fault is pretty huge — I went to one AlAnon meeting but don’t think I’ve as in the right headspace for it to be beneficial. A lot of the people in the group had no recent experience of dealing with an alcoholic and were mostly people that had an alcoholic that was in long term recovery so I felt a bit alienated. Not to say they don’t have their place, but being able to cope day to day for me meant coping mechanisms that didn’t include meetings.
Working on accepting my emotions and how i felt about my parent was pivotal. I can love them but can’t change them. I can help them but can’t fix them etc. I can criticise them but still appreciate them for the person they are.
Good luck to anyone in this situation, it can be utterly horrendous.
GiftedNotFree
VIP Member
Yes, I can relate to it all. I swear my life stopped during this period (for a good few years!) the drinking was just all consuming. There were times at work I was close to disciplinary action because my performance was poor and my time at work was shoddy at best. If I never had the boss I did at that time I definitely would have been close to the chop!
It’s the wondering, the not knowing, the endless worry, the waiting on the phone ringing, the willing it to ring if your person is missing / AWOL, endless vicious circles of police / hospital / ambulances. It’s so so exhausting. I think you lose a bit of yourself to this illness— I feel like I have. Sometimes I can’t remember what I was like before it was a part of my life.
it changes you, and everything.I could write this myself honestly. I feel like I lost the majority of last year due to this. Several times at work I would be on my phone messaging about her when I should have been working. Messaging my parents to check they were okay and nothing had kicked off overnight.Yes, I can relate to it all. I swear my life stopped during this period (for a good few years!) the drinking was just all consuming. There were times at work I was close to disciplinary action because my performance was poor and my time at work was shoddy at best. If I never had the boss I did at that time I definitely would have been close to the chop!
It’s the wondering, the not knowing, the endless worry, the waiting on the phone ringing, the willing it to ring if your person is missing / AWOL, endless vicious circles of police / hospital / ambulances. It’s so so exhausting. I think you lose a bit of yourself to this illness— I feel like I have. Sometimes I can’t remember what I was like before it was a part of my life.
The worst thing is, even now she is in recovery, i still don't think she realises just how all consuming this is for everyone involved. She has no idea of the pain and anger she caused. Not to mention the embarrassment when I had to explain to my colleagues some of the things that had happened.
I really do feel for anyone in this situation. Luckily I can distance myself from her but I understand some of you live with your person. X
Sending so much love to you all. ❤❤
There's so many stories, perhaps we should change this into a support thread - a safe place to release where we can relate?
Oh my goodness how are you? Are you out now?
After everyone else sharing, I guess I should share. My person is my mum. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was young so I was left dealing with it alone. I went through a period of not talking to her after asking her not to drink when she knew she'd see me and she refused. She said she didn't have a problem, it was in my head, she can drink if she wants to, she's an adult etc etc. We've talked a little bit over the last couple of years though it's a difficult relationship but it's never acknowledged.
The trigger for me starting this thread is that my mum is currently in hospital having had surgery after a fall. She claims she didn't fall over anything, trip or slip, she just fell. She also said she did it a day after her sister said did. She generally drinks from lunchtime > early hours on alternate days, and there were empty bottles in the sink. She called me 5 days later having been stuck on the floor. She told me that there were women burning something and a bird in the house, which she's now trying to say is dehydration. Course, what are side effects of alcohol withdrawal...vivid hallucinations! The hospital have diagnosed kidney damage too. She's very convincing when she says she doesn't drink, and whilst on one hand I think the hospital must know, she said she had a health MOT where bloods were taken and all was fine. Sometimes I really feel I'm made to think I'm going mad and it is my issue, not hers, but rationally I know that's from being a young child and being told by the person who you're supposed to trust beyond everyone else that it's my issue, you believe it, but that it's not the case... As a child I felt like I'd be left an orphan as she'd kill herself through her drinking and I'm having all those flashbacks. In the hospital she's on morphine for the main and on the phone, she sounds drunk and can be pretty incomprehensible and it's triggering me every time I speak to her. I'm so split trying to avoiding it and filled with anxiety about it all, so much so I'm not sleeping/eating/functioning well at all. Here endeth a boring tale of me.
There's so many stories, perhaps we should change this into a support thread - a safe place to release where we can relate?
Oh my goodness how are you? Are you out now?
After everyone else sharing, I guess I should share. My person is my mum. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was young so I was left dealing with it alone. I went through a period of not talking to her after asking her not to drink when she knew she'd see me and she refused. She said she didn't have a problem, it was in my head, she can drink if she wants to, she's an adult etc etc. We've talked a little bit over the last couple of years though it's a difficult relationship but it's never acknowledged.
The trigger for me starting this thread is that my mum is currently in hospital having had surgery after a fall. She claims she didn't fall over anything, trip or slip, she just fell. She also said she did it a day after her sister said did. She generally drinks from lunchtime > early hours on alternate days, and there were empty bottles in the sink. She called me 5 days later having been stuck on the floor. She told me that there were women burning something and a bird in the house, which she's now trying to say is dehydration. Course, what are side effects of alcohol withdrawal...vivid hallucinations! The hospital have diagnosed kidney damage too. She's very convincing when she says she doesn't drink, and whilst on one hand I think the hospital must know, she said she had a health MOT where bloods were taken and all was fine. Sometimes I really feel I'm made to think I'm going mad and it is my issue, not hers, but rationally I know that's from being a young child and being told by the person who you're supposed to trust beyond everyone else that it's my issue, you believe it, but that it's not the case... As a child I felt like I'd be left an orphan as she'd kill herself through her drinking and I'm having all those flashbacks. In the hospital she's on morphine for the main and on the phone, she sounds drunk and can be pretty incomprehensible and it's triggering me every time I speak to her. I'm so split trying to avoiding it and filled with anxiety about it all, so much so I'm not sleeping/eating/functioning well at all. Here endeth a boring tale of me.
Gembo
VIP Member
I’m so sorry. It’s hard for me to read this as it’s all still recent for me but I couldn’t read and run. My relationship with my mum was also very difficult because of her alcoholism and we had years of no contact other than I would always send her cards & presents for birthdays, Mother’s Day etc. I don’t know that I can give advice as every situation is different and everyone will feel differently, your relationship will be different. But if I could go back now I would ask my mum what was making her so unhappy that she had to drink so much. It’s not been until recently that I can acknowledge she was a human being in a lot of pain. For a long time I just felt that she was this person who was cold and cruel towards me.
Even had I asked her that though it might not have made a difference. I tried so hard I even had her live with me & my husband for a while but she still continued to drink & lash out at me. Eventually I had to turn my back as my mental health got very bad. I was there for her in her last few years and it was painful but I don’t regret it. I hope things work out better for you. I hope your mum can get help and turn things around because honestly my heart and soul are completely broken and I’m not sure at the moment that I’ll ever really be ok. I deeply empathise with you and wish I could give you some amazing piece of advice but I’m not sure if there is any, or maybe it’s just too soon for me. Do take really good care of yourself, as others have said here it takes a toll that those who haven’t experienced struggle to understand and that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy x
Even had I asked her that though it might not have made a difference. I tried so hard I even had her live with me & my husband for a while but she still continued to drink & lash out at me. Eventually I had to turn my back as my mental health got very bad. I was there for her in her last few years and it was painful but I don’t regret it. I hope things work out better for you. I hope your mum can get help and turn things around because honestly my heart and soul are completely broken and I’m not sure at the moment that I’ll ever really be ok. I deeply empathise with you and wish I could give you some amazing piece of advice but I’m not sure if there is any, or maybe it’s just too soon for me. Do take really good care of yourself, as others have said here it takes a toll that those who haven’t experienced struggle to understand and that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy x
I'm so sorry I didn't mean to cause any upset. ❤
Gembo
VIP Member
No no don’t say sorry you didn’t upset me it’s just a bit hard for me but I wish I could help you. Gosh please don’t feel bad this is your thread and I will try to help where I can but may dip in and out
Missmadness
Active member
I hope you have a lot of support.That sounds so hard.I didn’t have children because of my alcoholism.I actually thought you should have ended that sentence with here is a BRAVE tale of me.
You need to do as is best for you. I do hope you're ok xxNo no don’t say sorry you didn’t upset me it’s just a bit hard for me but I wish I could help you. Gosh please don’t feel bad this is your thread and I will try to help where I can but may dip in and out
Oh goodness. Did you feel you wanted children? How is your eye?I hope you have a lot of support.That sounds so hard.I didn’t have children because of my alcoholism.I actually thought you should have ended that sentence with here is a BRAVE tale of me.
Sending you love and support. That sounds so hard. I completely get the triggering, when I speak with my sister if she sounds slightly tired I immediately think she is under the influence and then the anxiety starts, i always get cold shaky legs when I am anxious about it for some reason.
She went through a few hospital stays too where she was medically detoxed, she would be shaking from the withdrawal. As soon as she came out she was back on it. When she couldn't have as much as usual, the hallucinations started. She regularly used to message my mum saying our relative was out partying and she had seen her down the street in someone's house, or that she had the tea on the table and was waiting for her children (they were no longer in her care) she even made a full meal one day believing we were all going round for tea and then kicked off that it was never even a conversation.
I still have thoughts that she will die from this. I picture and act out the conversations that I will have with people when she had gone, explaining what happened. In my head it will be easier if that did happen.
In my experience, they can only get help when they admit it and when they want to. You cannot force them to do it because it won't work and they will go back on it. So many terrible things happened to my sister, she lost her licence, her home, her children, her partner and her family, but she still wouldn't take the steps. Alot of it I think was the lack of help and support in our area, she had to go on a waiting list for a long time to get into the detox centre. When they called to say they had space it was a case of be here in 2 hours or lose your space and go back to the end of the list. It then cost my parents thousands to pay for her rehab and to then clear her house and sort out a new place for her to live. What I was told by someone and it always stuck with me, was that she is a grown adult and she made her own decisions and is an alcoholic wants to hide it then they will find a million ways to do so. She was clever, we had no idea how bad it was until something horrific happened.
She has relapsed once that I know of since she came out. I expect her to do it again. I think of her as a very selfish person and I cannot understand why she makes the decisions which she does.
My dad goes to al anon support group, he finds it very good. I never have. I shut her off in my mind and I don't speak about her aside from asking my mum if everything is OK.
Have you considered a support group? Maybe it would be helpful for you, you sound like you are in contact with your mum alot more than I was with my sister. Perhaps talking about it would help you with some strategies on managing her moving forwards xxxx
Bitofthebubbly
VIP Member
This thread is heartbreaking, sending love to everyone who needs it
Both my partner and I have functioning alcoholics in the family, a parent each. They don’t seem to cause any major issues but we know they drink a lot more than is healthy.
My parent has gotten into some relatively minor arguments with family and sent some odd messages to family group chats after a drink but not enough for anyone to realise it could be anything more serious. As I was the one living with them I witnessed first hand how often they drank and it was daily after work In the week and all afternoon over the weekends. Not sure on exact amounts but I’d say they were drinking enough to get tipsy at the very least and often crashed out on the sofa and claimed to be exhausted from work. For years and years and I’m sure that habit hasn’t changed. My parent still manages to hold down a job, is good at it and respected in their workplace they manage to function normally and visit people, do the weekly shop and pay all bills and basically do everything ‘normal’ people do. So on the surface it seems like they have it all together but I feel like I know the truth and it’s just sad. I worry for their health and am convinced I’m gonna get a phone call saying they’ve been hospitalised at any time, and how this could escalate at any time into full blown alcoholism and their life starts falling apart. Thankfully that didn’t happen over lockdown whilst they were furloughed although I’m sure drinking increased although I don’t know for sure since I no longer live there.
My partners parent is very similar in the way they drink after work and in the afternoon at weekends. They actually became seriously ill with pancreatitis and was bedridden for weeks/months. I have no idea if alcohol can cause this but I know it didn’t help matters. They stopped/cut down on the drinking for a while after they recovered but then it’s gradually ramped up again over time. They are also a really irritating drunk who drones on and on and I just can’t see it ending well.
Functioning alcoholics are scary because not everyone realises the extent of their drinking. I have tried mentioning it to family but I just don’t think they get it. I also had a grand parent with an identical pattern of drinking, I’m relieved I don’t seem to be going down the same path but I’m still hugely concerned about our family members.
Both my partner and I have functioning alcoholics in the family, a parent each. They don’t seem to cause any major issues but we know they drink a lot more than is healthy.
My parent has gotten into some relatively minor arguments with family and sent some odd messages to family group chats after a drink but not enough for anyone to realise it could be anything more serious. As I was the one living with them I witnessed first hand how often they drank and it was daily after work In the week and all afternoon over the weekends. Not sure on exact amounts but I’d say they were drinking enough to get tipsy at the very least and often crashed out on the sofa and claimed to be exhausted from work. For years and years and I’m sure that habit hasn’t changed. My parent still manages to hold down a job, is good at it and respected in their workplace they manage to function normally and visit people, do the weekly shop and pay all bills and basically do everything ‘normal’ people do. So on the surface it seems like they have it all together but I feel like I know the truth and it’s just sad. I worry for their health and am convinced I’m gonna get a phone call saying they’ve been hospitalised at any time, and how this could escalate at any time into full blown alcoholism and their life starts falling apart. Thankfully that didn’t happen over lockdown whilst they were furloughed although I’m sure drinking increased although I don’t know for sure since I no longer live there.
My partners parent is very similar in the way they drink after work and in the afternoon at weekends. They actually became seriously ill with pancreatitis and was bedridden for weeks/months. I have no idea if alcohol can cause this but I know it didn’t help matters. They stopped/cut down on the drinking for a while after they recovered but then it’s gradually ramped up again over time. They are also a really irritating drunk who drones on and on and I just can’t see it ending well.
Functioning alcoholics are scary because not everyone realises the extent of their drinking. I have tried mentioning it to family but I just don’t think they get it. I also had a grand parent with an identical pattern of drinking, I’m relieved I don’t seem to be going down the same path but I’m still hugely concerned about our family members.
Goodness your sister....
I completely agree that they will only accept help of they want it and have to acknowledge the issue first. It's so complicated and frustrating.
The contact with my mum is only more regular at the mo with her being in the hospital, before that it was a once a week 'do you need anything' in lockdown as she's over 70, but before that once a month. It's very awkward for me.
I haven't been to a support group, I've looked into it since it was mentioned here. I'm not ruling it out but I find stuff like that and anything exposing my feelings really hard. Life is so bleugh.
GiftedNotFree
VIP Member
@Bitofthebubbly - (lol your username is ironic! I know the clip it’s from, it’s hilarious) - that must be so hard. I think functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous as the chaotic ones whose lives are falling apart. It creeps up - at least that’s my experience. My parent was a high functioning (had a good job, paid all the bills, ran a household with tons of kids running around, had a large social circle, played the part of everyone’s favourite relative, etc) alcoholic for a long long time before the illness really took over. From my childhood, I always remember them drinking loads and I grew up accepting that as normal and didn’t question it until I was a teenager!
It reached a breaking point into my late teens and then came a major decline. Marriage breakdown, job loss, relationship strained (in some cases beyond repair). It was so gradual though, I didn’t really see it coming.
The intense or manic phase of alcoholism that came after this was sustained and I’m still surprised that they survived it. Truly — not saying that to be hyperbolic, but some of the things and situations my parent got themselves into is mind boggling.
Alcohol withdrawal IS SO DANGEROUS, it’s a really scary place to be. I just wanted to say, in spite of all that, recovery IS possible. It begins and ends with the alcoholic. Nothing will change without them choosing to live rather than die to addiction.
Also, from my experience, I had to accept that it is a disease that most people don’t choose to have in order to forgive what had gone before and move on. I’m still not 100% there but I’m in a much better place than in those dark days of feeling like this would be life forever until they died. I feel no shame now in stating there was times I wished they would die to get relief. I know that sounds harsh but it’s a the reality of it.
Sorry for rambling! Sending strength and solidarity to anyone who needs it.
It reached a breaking point into my late teens and then came a major decline. Marriage breakdown, job loss, relationship strained (in some cases beyond repair). It was so gradual though, I didn’t really see it coming.
The intense or manic phase of alcoholism that came after this was sustained and I’m still surprised that they survived it. Truly — not saying that to be hyperbolic, but some of the things and situations my parent got themselves into is mind boggling.
Alcohol withdrawal IS SO DANGEROUS, it’s a really scary place to be. I just wanted to say, in spite of all that, recovery IS possible. It begins and ends with the alcoholic. Nothing will change without them choosing to live rather than die to addiction.
Also, from my experience, I had to accept that it is a disease that most people don’t choose to have in order to forgive what had gone before and move on. I’m still not 100% there but I’m in a much better place than in those dark days of feeling like this would be life forever until they died. I feel no shame now in stating there was times I wished they would die to get relief. I know that sounds harsh but it’s a the reality of it.
Sorry for rambling! Sending strength and solidarity to anyone who needs it.
I think your situations highlights a real issue. Alcoholics are stereotyped as a certain type of person, like Onso from Keeping Up Appearances or something, a pub regular etc. The reality is very different and are found in all sections of society. My mum lives in a very affluent area, I went to a private school (not clever enough for a scholarship though!), she's driven nice cars, she had a respectable job before she gave it up to be a stay at home mum... In fact I remember telling my tutor at school and was basically told "no she's not, alcoholics don't have the money to pay our fees".
I've totally thought the bit in bold, many times, including recently. It's always caused me inner turmoil, and actually still does to a degree, but I can perceive it differently to how I did when I first thought it at c 12.
I regularly wish they would die, I genuinely think it would be easier in the long run.
I get that. I never told anyone outisde family and my husband how bad things were until I had to, I.e. I needed time off work and the situation which she had caused was high profile.
Its now 18 months after that and I don't speak about her. Work know not to ask because I am not open about it.
A support group wouldn't be for me at the moment, but I totally get why some people need them. X
Guacamole123
Chatty Member
Please give me a message if you want, inbox always open! My mum was an alcoholic for most of my life from being a child to teenager. Gonna play devils advocate and say Al Anon doesn’t always work, my mum would go to an AA meeting and then go to the pub with everyone after
. I think they really have to hit rock bottom before seeking any help- I was v v fortunate that my mum went to rehab and was one of the very few people that has stayed sober since. However, we don’t know yet about any long lasting damage the alcohol has caused.
. I think they really have to hit rock bottom before seeking any help- I was v v fortunate that my mum went to rehab and was one of the very few people that has stayed sober since. However, we don’t know yet about any long lasting damage the alcohol has caused.Oh I'm so pleased for your mum, and for you all too, it must be incredible for her to have stayed sober since her rehab.Please give me a message if you want, inbox always open! My mum was an alcoholic for most of my life from being a child to teenager. Gonna play devils advocate and say Al Anon doesn’t always work, my mum would go to an AA meeting and then go to the pub with everyone after